Unstable harmony – beatings by husband who loves me
Assalamu alaikum,
Before I ask for any advice, I will inform some background information. I have always been muslim, but my parents were converts, perhaps thats why my raising was not as optimal. I had little knowledge, was therefore not very devoted. One way or another I met my husband at 14 ( he was 21). He came to Europe for business from Asia. He met me twice, when suddenly he came to me and said: You are going to be my wife, trust me. He is a rather honest and straightforward person. Seriously, I was 14, u don't think about marriage yet! but as persistent he was, I kind of liked him. He was very knowledgeable. He told me that he kept having dreams about me, every single day. And when he asked Ulama, they would all have aswered that I'm to be his future wife, but that he had to be patient. I accepted him, there were no reasons for me not to.
We had a email-chat relationship for 2,5 year (it was halal, under supervision). I changed a lot during that time, I stared practicing hijab, my lifestyle, my devotion, alhamdulillah. When he suddenly said, I'm coming in 6 months, please prepare. We got married, I was 17( he was 24).
Our relationship is very unstable. At moments we are very loving, in harmony and it feels as if Allah swt has poured so much blessings upon us. And then suddenly we're fighting and he often beats me. My arms which were smooth are now covered in scars. He kicks me in my belly, he hits me in the face, chokes me, anyhow, becomes very violent. And when I kick back or push him away, he says I am very wrong for doing so. I should never even come close to pushing my husband. He beats me because I were to become disobedient. And it's true that I have some issues with obedience. I sometimes can't keep up. There are lots of things I need to change, but I can't do it in one day, one month or even one year, it takes time. I do want to change.
I feel as if the treatment he gives me is not reasonable. I'm so ashamed to tell anyone this. We are about to divorce, my heart says no, but my head says yes. What should I do?
~Aiyla
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Salaams,
"Islam condemns domestic violence. Once a number of women came to the prophet, on whom be peace, to complain that their husbands had beaten them. The prophet announced that men who beat their wives are not good men. The prophet also said, "Do not beat the female servants of Allah."
Allah knows that life is not always a bowl of cherries, so He stipulates that a man must be kind to his wife even if he happens to dislike her. In Qur'an 4-19 it says, O you who have believed, it is not lawful for you to inherit women by compulsion. And do not make difficulties for them in order to take [back] part of what you gave them unless they commit a clear immorality. And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them - perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good Allah offers a good reason as to why men should not dislike their wives. Allah says that He has placed much good in women.
In this regard the prophet Muhammad, on whom be peace, said that no believing man should hold a grudge against a believing woman. So what is a husband to do if he dislikes some things about his wife? This is bound to occur, since no human being is perfect. The prophet instructed that men should look for the agreeable traits in their wives rather than focus on their faults, as per the following hadith:
Hadith - Muslim, #3466
Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger as saying: Woman is like a rib. When you attempt to straighten it, you would break it. And if you leave her alone you would benefit by her, and crookedness will remain in her. A hadith like this is reported by another chain of narrators.
Hadith - Muslim, #3468
Abu Huraira reported Allah's Apostle as saying: He who believes in Allah and the Hereafter, if he witnesses any matter he should talk in good terms about it or keep quiet. Act kindly towards woman, for woman is created from a rib, and the most crooked part of the rib is its top. If you attempt to straighten it, you will break it, and if you leave it, its crookedness will remain there. So act kindly towards women.
Hadith - Muslim, #3469
Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger as saying: A believing man should not hate a believing woman; it he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.
Hadith - Tirmidhi
"The most perfect of the believers is the best of you in character, and the best of you are those among you who are best to their wives."
There are other hadith of the Prophet (saws) where he explicitly states that men should not beat their wives (sorry I could not find exact references):
(Muaviyah b. Haidah) said, "O Apostle of God! What is my duty to my wife?" He said, "That you give her to eat as you eat yourself, and clothe her as you clothe yourself; and do not slap her in the face nor abuse her, nor separate yourself from her in displeasure.
Give your wife good counsel; and if she has goodness in her, she will soon take it, and leave off idle talking; and do not beat your noble wife like a slave.
Muhammad said, "Beat not your wives." Then Omar came to the Rasul (Muhammad) and said, "Wives have got the upper hand from hearing this."
In the following verse of the Qur'an, Allah warns men that if they retain their wives in marriage it should not be to take advantage of them. The verse reads: "Retain them in kindness or release them in kindness. But do not retain them to their hurt so that you transgress (the limits). If anyone does that he wrongs his own soul. Do not take God's instructions as a jest" (Qur'an 2:231).
Some of the last words of the prophet delivered during the farewell pilgrimage enjoins that men should hold themselves accountable before Allah concerning the question of how they treat their wives. Therefore his advice to all men, is as follows: "You must treat them with all kindness."
(excerpts above taken from http://saif_w.tripod.com/questions/violence/islam_and_domestic_violence.htm)
Sister, the man you are married to is violating Allah's word in Holy Qu'ran and the advice and example of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (saws). He is treating you in an unimaginable and abominable way. You would be disrespecting yourself and Allah who created you for better than this if you do not leave this man immediately. Go through with the divorce, and while you're doing that process PLEASE find somewhere safe to stay. If it were me, I would also call the police and have him charged with his crimes as well.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam Sister,
Islam does not condone violence of any shape or form to anyone or any person. I urge you to pack your belongings and leave this situation immediately. You are young and you do not deserve this. Find a safe and secure place,there are a lot of shelters, or perhaps you can stay at friends who he does not know,but you need to get away before something serious happens.
You seem like a nice person,donot beat yourself up about that this might be your fault because I do not think it is your fault.Your partner needs help and this has nothing to with you. We are human and we make mistakes,you might have done something wrong,but that does not mean you have to be beaten.Soplease get way asquickly as you can and then file for adivorce if you registered the marriage at the registry office or if done islamically then do it that way with witnessess and be done with and get on with your life. Just put this down to a mistake and learn from this.Relationships on chatlines are very far and few between andare to be viewed with caution.
Take Care
Allah Hafiz.
Asalaam alaykum Sister Aiyla,
Listen to your brain, because it's trying to safe your life and your heart. The brain is a very resourceful and knows it must protect you and get you out alive.
Leave, leave and leave. Get away at fast as you possibly can.
http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/safety-planning/
I have known a couple of battered women, personally in my life, and have been a witness to the sadness of a woman's shelter. Every woman there will all tell you two things: he won't stop and you have to leave.
I want you to know that there are over a billion Muslims in this world that love you and want to see you safe and sound. There are just as many Christians and Jews and others who want to see you safe and alive, too. You are not alone, and you are not to be blamed. There is nothing you did that justifies him abusing you. Nothing.
God wants you to take care of yourself and I believe in my heart, that He wants you to leave. We all do.
Reading your story, and I have read and dealt with so much of these issues in people's lives, still breaks my heart for you. There is never a time when I grow desensitized to it, because you are a wonderful human being that God created and you deserve a much better life and a greater kind of love than this. There is nothing that you did wrong to have to endure any of it. My sister, please know that we'll be praying for you in the days ahead.
I am about to write something down below. You do not have to read it, but it is meant for the other readers who may not know what this life is like for a woman. What I am about to type is from true stories of women who survived domestic abuse.
The reality of abuse: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUl33cq4Sso
PSA: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WL3rfk2iFww
As she gripped his wrists trying to free his hands that were strangling her throat, one thought kept panicking her mind: "I'm dying, I'm dying! I can't breath....he's going to kill me this time."
In front of her, with anger cracking his face and rage making his eyes boil out of his skull, was the man who a few years before promised to love and cherish her in holy matrimony. As his fingers dug into her, seemingly crushing her windpipe, she started to become dizzy, the light in the room became glaring and she tried to scream, but couldn't. Her arms began to flail involuntarily as her brain kicked into survival mode to save her life. She started hitting him, fingernails scratching and clawing for her precious life.
Something happened and he stopped choking her. As she collapsed to the ground and desperately gasped for air, he maliciously drove his foot into her soft belly again and again. In hindsight, it amazed her how one moment she thought of her life ending and in the next, as kicks drove into her, she thought of the little womb in her lower belly. Her arms stood out trying to block his kicks, but instead, all should feel was her fingers being crushed and mangled by his shoe. She still struggled for breath and just succumbed to the beating, huddled in a ball, as he hit and kicked her again. Tired, she guessed, she stepped away and then hit her with his fist, pounding it into her thigh. It surprise her again, how her body could still respond to that pain and acknowledge it.
As he turned away from her, cursing her, her brain sensing her life struggle sprang her to her feet and she fell over bent on hand and knees, hurriedly crawling to the bathroom. He yelled at her, but she didn't look back and nearly fell on her way to close the bathroom door. She locked it and pressed herself against it. He yelled at her again. She knew he was coming and she cried, her weak and battered body trying all it could to hold the door shut.
"Come here you *itch! Open the ****in' door! I'm not finished with you!"
He kicked the door and the little lock gave way, but she pressed against it. Then she felt his weight against the door, slamming his shoulder into it and forcing it open a bit. She began to beg.
"Please stop! Leave me alone, leave me alone....."
But the slightly open door was all he needed to reach in with his arms and grab at her. She panicked and started hitting back, but by doing this she wasn't completely against the door and his body, which outweighed her by 80lbs., forced the door open. She shrieked and sank back into the bathroom. He was angrier than before, she thought.
"Please.....," she cried, lips trembling, "I love you."
That wasn't enough to stop him from launching himself at her with an open hand that slapped her face and sent her scattering to the floor. As soon as she hit it, she felt him grab her hair and drag her out of the bathroom. Her scalp felt like it was on fire and she struggled and yelled. He dragged her to the closet and she cried out, "No! Not again! Please! I love you."
The closest was her Hell. She was terrified of it. He picked her body up to throw her in there. She remembered being tossed in the air and crashing to the floor, but quickly tried to escape. He closed in and kicked her like a mule. It sent her back to the ground and then he did it again, her body naturally going to the fetal position to protect herself. She felt his hands force her onto her stomach and then he sat on her back. She couldn't breath and she begged for air. Instead, he began tying her with the extension cables he had stored in there.
She remembered when she had thrown the first ones away and how he had bought new ones and whipped her that night with them. She remembered the slashes across her back that caused her to bleed in her nightgown. How could she forget? It had only been last week. That was also the night he raped her.
And like so many times before, he tied her ankles together pulling the cord tight and twisted her arms back. She struggled and fought, but the lack of air made her eventually comply. After a few minutes, trying to breathe, his weight came off her body and there she laid, hogtied like an animal. He went to leave and for a moment she thought it wouldn't be so terrifying this time, but she was wrong, he came back with a sock and tape to gag her mouth. She screamed and pleaded as only a desperate and defeated woman could, "No please....why? Why? I love you." It didn't stop him.
She tried resisting, but pulling up on her hair, he gripped her throat knowing she needed to open her mouth to breath. She did and he tried gagging her. The sock was dirty like last time as he forced it into her mouth. She could taste the bitterness of his sweat and it caused her to gag and vomit.
For this first time, this made him stop. Maybe somewhere in his cold, dead heart, there was a moment of compassion. "Fine then, smell it" he said. He rubbed her face in her own vomit. He rose up, closed the door and left her in total darkness. She heard him moving their heavy wood dresser against the door. He started doing that the first time she had gone out of the closet in the days when he didn't tie her up and instead just shut her in there.
It was then that she knew that she would be in there the whole night, tied and in the dark. It was then when she knew it was safe to finally cry. She didn't mean for it to be so loud, but he heard and shouted, "Shut up or I'll back in there." She muffled herself and tried to roll onto her side. She did and remembered that she would have to roll over again soon as her body goes numb.
In the dark, she thought of her mother and father. She wondered if they would ever know the hell she was facing. She thought of her broken body, bruised and beaten and wondered how she could take this. She prayed to God to let her die. Hot tears streamed down her face, her tongue tasted the vomit intermingled with the blood from her lips due to the slaps he had given her. She remembered the days when she thought he would never touch her face like that, but once he did, it became common. She cried herself unconscious, hr body unable to take anymore pain and misery, her brain knowing that she could rest for just a moment. Just a moment. It didn't last long.
She didn't know if she had passed out for an hour or 10, but her right side was numb. What had woken her up? It was the sound of the dresser being moved. He was coming back. Her body began shaking in fear. She peed on herself.
The door opened up and there stood a man. She heard an unfamiliar voice say, "My God. Are you alive?"
From behind him, she saw her child running to her in tears, "Mommy!"
It wasn't her abuser. It was a police officer and her little son. She just cried. The officer began to untie her binding and called out for a medic. Another police officer appeared and called in for one. She was exhausted and relieved. The little boy came to his mother's side and cried out, "Mommy! Mommy!"
Her maternal instinct kicked in and all she wanted to do was to make sure that her son wouldn't be scared like she was. She told him, as he held her head, "It's okay baby, mommy is ok."
His sweet little tears fell over her. Her body couldn't move to hug her son, she just laid there looking at him. He cried and said, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry......" She thought she was dead for a moment and then said to her son, "It's ok, I love you."
What had happened? After years of abuse, her little boy terrified and crying in his room as to what was happening to his mother, called 9-1-1 when his father had left that night. The small boy was the little hero who let them in and showed them to her room, where he knew she still was.
That was the first day that the abuse would stop.
For many women, they still undergo and suffer from scenes like this.
This story is based on events from survival accounts of battered women who suffer each and every day, as their abusers hit, torture and maim them. These are the stories that get told by the women who live. There are stories unknown by the women who were murdered by their abusers.
Forgive me. I can't write anymore.
Brother, this story bought tears to my eyes, the account of events left me speechless, its hard to believe their are men out there capable of hurting such delicate things such as women, it makes you angry that you cant do anything and help these sisters in need, but we should all raise our hands and ask Allah to stop such violence and suffering, and inshaAllah make all marriages harmonious and full of happyness, for me a wifes smile will melt my heart and be enough to satisfy my hunger of food, i could never imagine such things you described, very touching.
What I wrote pales in comparison to what these women suffer through on a daily basis. Studies have estimated that battered women will stay in a relationship like that for 18-24 years on average, due to their crushed self-esteem, hopelessness and fear of leaving, as their abuser often threatens to kill them, their children and will kill and injure their pets as a sign of intent. It makes me literally shake with emotion when I read and hear these stories, but seeing these women, bruised and bleeding, has at times scared the hell out of me, because of what I feel towards their abusers: an unparalleled hate that I have ever known. Calling the police to arrest the abuser gives me some consolation, but many times they are not punished enough.
You know brother, that one of the worse things to see is a battered woman, because she doesn't smile or laugh. Can you imagine a human being that doesn't find any joy in life? A woman who is treated less than an animal? When they look at you with their little heads turned down and tears falling on the floor, it rips you inside, but you hold it together for them. Then you think of all that she has been through and you know what touches you even more? When they say, "Thank God, I'm free. I'm safe now. When I was all alone, God was the only who I would talk to when locked and tied up."
But the children, Ya Allah! The children. The damage it does to them is immeasurable. There was a story I knew of when these little children were playing in the living room and their father attacked their mother in front of them. He was strangling her and these brave little warriors defended her. They used their little hands to hit him, they bit him and pulled at him. Yet still he wouldn't stop till one child poked his eyes. He got angry with them and picked up their small pet who had been barking and threw it across the room hitting the wall as revenge against them. Thankfully someone had called the police and he left before he attacked his family further. Can you imagine the monster who does such a thing? Ya Allah (swt) on the Day of Judgment these men will truly meet their fate.
With all of this said, I pray to Allah (swt) that this sister LEAVES this abuser quickly. It should bother us greatly that we haven't heard from her. Please make continuous dua for her and all the abused victims like her.
And we can do something: we can call the police if we see or hear about these things. We can donate to women shelter's and organizations that help abused spouses. Yet most of all, we can teach our children that Islam does not condone these actions and in fact, opposes such things. Empower your children to never tolerate any abuse.
Lastly, I want to mention an excerpt from the life of Prophet Job (as).
Now think that Job (as) didn't want to break his vow, but at the same time didn't want to hurt his wife, so Allah (swt) sent him a mercy in His instruction. How hard do you think Job (as) did it with soft grass, since he was remorseful about wanting to do it? He lightly brushed her in his strikes. And I imagine that while he did this softly, he cried the whole time both for making such a vow and because Allah (swt) was merciful to him to know his heart and relieve his burden.
I want to point out that this is not the case in this post of Sister Aiyla, however. Pay attention to what Job initially allowed the wife to do: leave him. So she did. It was not until he was given relief from none other than Allah (swt) and his whole situation changed that she came back to him. That is a huge point to consider and again, Job (as) had never beaten his wife before. So Sister Aiyla should never go back to this man.
It mystifies me how some Muslims cannot see the wisdom in this Qur'anic lesson. Surely our understanding of Islam is very shallow and weak compared to what Allah (swt) expects of us.
Brother, calling the police would be the right thing, but myself to see a woman in such a state, my blood would boil and i would want to beat the man responsible, the anger that takes over in this situation, is through our love of Allah creation, and respect for women, and as you describe more, the look of sadness and their relief as they are free, even as a man i must admit i would crumble in tears, such a sight would destroy me as much as i would hold it together, i will never understand how these people would harm these delicate women, powerless to stop and begging for them to stop, yet they carry on like animals hunting for food, and taubah a child defending his mother and yet still the father carry on, these people have no hearts and are animals, i would have them all hanged for this unexplainable crime.
'Surely our understanding of Islam is very shallow and weak compared to what Allah (swt) expects of us.'
brother we live in a age where knowledge has increased, but belief is all but lost, what we learn about islam we dont practice ourselves but rather use it in a 'slinging match' to make a point or re-enforce our views, i was a active member of debates, and enjoyed discussing topics however over time i realised people no longer believed in what they said, but used it to get their point across, which shows lack of belief, the issue of marriage is dominant on this website, why ?, its as i witnessed all them years ago, its all fine until religion and culture meet, then we walk around islam and try to bend hadith and rulings to favor our cultural beliefs, suddenly our passion for islam turns into a area of weakness and we our consumed by the shaytans idea of 'pride and image', men with great beards and respected figures hesitate when culture meets religion, it seems when you defend islam, you are thrown the consequences of breaking tradition and causing heartbreak, and then they would quote hadith relating to respect of elders and parents to justify their point, at which point one must cease to argue and accept that when it comes to culture, we like to put islam on the back burner, and walk round the subject. another thing i have learnt is the girlfriend/boyfriend culture is being accepted by our parents because we no longer care about what islam says but follow the trend and this becomes a chain reaction, especially in my community, then when you reach age you get 'forced to marry' and thats parental duties done, because of this domestic abuse occurs, but we walk around the idea, and when you open discussion your are branded a 'golden oldie' and someone who 'needs to move with times'.
I dont mean to fly out too much in regards to the post so i will stop, but its good to see good brothers mashaAllah such as yourself exist who understand the meaning of a woman and who understand the importance on islam in a generation which is becoming more and more distanced from islam, may Allah give us the strength to follow his path and stay away from shaytan and his devious ways inshaAllah.
True, the husband does not suppose to be beating her like that... But there is a reason for him acting that way- and she admitted that it was her fault because she was very much disobedient..... Now we dont know to what extent this man has endued her bad attitude before resulting to beating her... Maybe this may have being patient with his wife for a long time and he cannot longer control his anger... My advice is dont hasting to divorce,, try to work things out with your husband... Since you 've known why he's mistreating you,, try to change your attitude towards him. Try to be loving, kind and obedient to him, and fulfil your duties to Allah and to you husband... If he continues beating you whilst you have change, and do not acknowledge your 'changed' behaviours towards him, then i would recommend you to seek for the divorce.
@Mohd There is no excuse, especially on an Islamic basis, for this type of abuse. Your comment utterly disgusts me.
Read it again. She's trying to defend herself.
My arms which were smooth are now covered in scars. He kicks me in my belly, he hits me in the face, chokes me, anyhow, becomes very violent. And when I kick back or push him away, he says I am very wrong for doing so.
@Mohd
This is what domestic violence sounds like through the voice of a child. Starts @ 24 seconds.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_ht2vAYPoc
@Mohd
An abused victim due to the trauma they have endured and their broken spirit often blame themselves when they are not at fault. Domestic violence is violence. Ask yourself if you would be happy having your mother, sister, wife, granddaughter, niece or any other female relative endure this type of torture. If you say "yes," please go seek psychiatric help for your sense of what a man should NOT be.
The Prophet of Islam clearly said that a man cannot expect to be a beast (beating her) to his wife during the day and sleep with her at night. Maybe you think you know better than the Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw)?
I agree with professor x mashallah you give very good responses!
I know this is an old post but that YouTube video had me reduced to tears it was the hardest thing I have ever had to listen to, it was so painful. May Allah swt guide these so called husbands and protect and give justice to the victims of such abuse, Ameen.
"But there is a reason for him acting that way- and she admitted that it was her fault because she was very much disobedient..... Now we dont know to what extent this man has endued her bad attitude before resulting to beating her... Maybe this may have being patient with his wife for a long time and he cannot longer control his anger... "
UNBELIEVABLE. This is a totally, TOTALLY unacceptable view. THERE IS NEVER A REASON FOR A MAN TO BEAT A WOMAN. NEVER.
Even if a woman was totally unstable and tried attacking a man first, this should NEVER be the response. Even if she were the most "disobedient" women on earth, this should NEVER be the response. If a man ever reaches a point of not being able to control his anger resulting in violence, HE has the problem and HE must fix it, and no one should be forced or even encouraged to stay in his vicinity- risking their own safety- while he does so.
I can't believe this ignorant statement could even be made, when there are countless, I mean COUNTLESS, cases of women and children having died at the hands of violent men. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE, and anyone who supports abusive behavior should be severely and publicly castigated and chastised.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Agreed. If a dog can be trained to control its' anger then a man has no excuse.
Dear mohd,
Nobody is perfect and even if she didnt change, i am sure it doesnt excuse and justify his behaviour.
Its dangerous to say such things, some men reading you might think islam justify beating his wife as described by this poor young girl justifiable.
Just take exemple of our PRophet swt, can you imagine him saying this is ok to beat badly your wife , kick her belly if she is not obédience. Starfullah. Of course not. This is not islam.
This girl must feel guilty by reading your reply.
after all those responses your still sticking to your misogynistic views you need a wake up call brother haven't you ever heard of the battered women syndrome if a women is beaten often by her husband she will start blaming herself you need to see that she isn't the one in the wrong even if she was disobedient!
Brother Mohd,
You are mistaken. Her disobedience is not the cause of this type of behavior on his part. That type of thinking is where you, and unfortunately violent men like the one she is married to, are going wrong. That is exactly why you are seeing this harsh response in us. You want this sister to work on herself as though that would fix it. Even if she were perfect in her behavior, a true saint of Allah, this man would still find reasons to blame her and abuse her. That's the way abusive men are. Abuse should NEVER ever be viewed as a "wakeup call" as you say.
Why would you even want a woman to try to save a marriage that is pretty much guaranteed to continue like this? Men like this seldom, I mean rarely upon rarely, change. You would suggest a woman who is getting beaten to try to work it out with a man who is clearly screwed up in several ways? That just doesn't make any kind of sense.
In reality, anyone who reads this sister's post should be shocked, appalled, and outraged at the husband, and not worried in the least about what she can do to better herself. Any other reaction other than what I described is NOT normal, nor should it be acceptable. If it seems reasonable to you, brother, to focus on her against the extreme wrongs he is doing, then you have to know that we view that as very abnormal and even backwards. I'm sorry to say, brother, but the only ones who will agree with your view on this issue would be those who would engage in these type of abusive behaviors themselves. I am sincerely hoping that you would want to distance yourself from that as much as possible and try to align your thinking with a more humanistic and compassionate view, the one truly deserved by this poster.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
@miah, by the way, am not responding to you.. So please hold your peace and stop typing. ... You are really quite young, you sound like a kid. So there is no need...
@Mohd: Don't accuse someone of sounding like a child when you openly support abusive monsters. Here's something else for you to watch. As the old song says, "you better check yourself before you wreck yourself."
http://www.safeshare.tv/w/NQORWvJpbj
http://www.safeshare.tv/w/DBhGecruUS
http://www.safeshare.tv/w/KoknedMsbb
After watching those, watch this. If you don't learn something from this, then you should not be in a marriage or consider one till you learn the boundaries of what it requires.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOGou6UJdmk
Asalamualiekoum
Please read quran and following verses of quran for improvement in married life.
Inshallah, things will get better for you.
Have patience.
http://www.ubqari.org/Two_priceless_treasures.pdf
Remember
This world is a testing place for believer.
Why did you remove two of my comments and my replies to those who attack my response??? Why did you decide not to leave it posted so that others can read and judge for them selves??? You only post what you think is comfortable to you and trash out what you think is not ok by you .... Anythings that is contrary to your views, you trash it out even when someone is saying the truth of islam... You have to acknowledge that your might have the wrong views or your views might not be the best fitting advice since nobody is perfect.. You know, its sad to be seeing things like this going on in the ummah.. . . . . This is not islam.
As salamu alaykum, brother Mohd,
Well, you know me, I won´t judge you or attacked you, Allah(swt) forbids, insha´Allah, what I want is that both of us read carefully and quietly the following and you tell me where I am wrong and where we can improve or what we can learn from each other. Because we need to go to the root of this situation, I do appreciate you and if you don´t mind I would like "to walk at your side" for a while to see if insha´Allah, we can get to an understanding.
I just read the comments trashed, and in essence you are advicing to seek for divorce as last resource, that she has done wrong being disobedient and that was the root of the violence, then if she changes they may have an opportunity, that you condemn the violence and his behaviour, at the same time you admit that you never would beat your wife, that before that you would let her go, ... I have read a lot of your comments and in no moment I have noticed that you support violence, then something is lost here.
You understand that violence is not the way, because you wouldn´t do that to your spouse, but your words reflect that in certain cases others can practice it and the woman should stand it. Still something lost here.
By your words seems to me that you have never gone through a case of domestic violence or nobody close to you, and the following is that I think that in your mind you see the rest of the men as if they were you, you are not capable of violence, and you see it as the last of the last thing a man would do after finishing all his resources and even with this you would let your wife go before touching her. Brother, first of all, you should understand that some men out there are not like that, read calmly the comments made by Sister Amy and Brother ProfessorX, without feeling attacked, and I am sure you will understand what they mean. For some men anything, and when I say anything, I mean it, anything can be a disobedience, you know that game where there is a bullet inside a gun, for some women life is like that, they never know, what pleased him yesterday, may sent her to hell today, ... a violent person is a sick person.
There is no reason at all for a person to beat other one, or be abusive in any way, we are human beings and healthy communication is our way. There is something else I would like to tell you, when a man kicks a woman in her belly, I will be the first one to advise her to leave and not to look back, you know why, yes now you know and maybe you understand, she maybe pregnant.
There are more things I can comment but I want you to take a look to all the comments again without feeling attacked, insha´Allah, you will do that for me, I will deeply appreciate it.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Mohd,
We do allow people to give their views here, but not when those views are unhelpful for the author.
When people are suffering from domestic violence, they are extremely vulnerable and sensitive to what everyone around them say, yet they become almost numb and desensitized to the violence and mental bullying afflicted on them by the abuser. They start believing that everytime they are beaten or bullied, somehow it is their own fault. So the last thing these sisters need to hear is that they should be 'patient' or 'more obedient'.
At the same time, even if a wife was being disobedient to her husband, even if she was answering back and even if she was the one at fault - there is absolutely no reason or permission given to beat her at all.
So if anyone submits such comments that justify violence and abuse, they will always be deleted, because that behaviour is certainly not Islam.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Muslim Source for DV http://www.wisemuslimwomen.org/currentissues/domesticviolence/
@Mohd,
The problem, if I am being quite honest and blunt about it, is that you don't know anything about this subject. Here you are getting upset that you are "attacked" on the internet which does nothing to you, but slight your internet persona which is really nothing but an extension of your ego, while you cannot lend proper empathy to a woman who undergoes physical, mental and emotional torture every day in her life.
So let me shed a little light onto the women who manage to escape this abuse.
For recent women who have been rescued, they will have nightmares for months every night, if not for years. These nightmares are so intense that during them, they scream so loud as to wake themselves and others up, and sometimes they urinate on their bed sheets from the terrifying memories they dream about. This becomes a painful reminder and a source of continual humiliation for them as a mark of their abuser.
Their suffering is considered to be a form of PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. They are diagnosed with extreme depression, causing them to neglect their bodies without food and water. Some are malnourished, meaning they have not been eating properly for months.
Often they cry for hours remembering the abuse, the physical beatings that caused them to suffer miscarriages, the hospital stays, stitches, sutures, their scars, broken bodies and spirits. Many of them have been forcibly raped and feel humiliated to have to have undergone a rape kit evidence gathering. Some have continual nightmares about being sodomized as a way of punishment by their abuser and being forced into disgusting sex acts. They have been forced to eat their own vomit at times. They have been spit on, some have been urinated on and others have experienced worse, being smeared with defecation.
They often may find themselves addicted to the painkillers they need to take to recover from their broken bones, and those bones are often in their face. Though many have broken arms, collarbones and ribs from being kicked repeatedly. Sound familiar? Some of them are disfigured for life and have numerous stitches and scars all over their bodies.
Many, if not all, go into hiding, since their abusers are trying to find them so as to kill them or beat them into coma or paralysis until the police can lock up their abuser, which when imprisoned, they often make bail and still try to hunt down their victims. Some abusers find them and murder them. Some women will get raped again before being murdered by a man who once claimed to love them. When this happens, the other women that knew her, the police officers and social workers will all attend her funeral and cry themselves to sleep, feeling guilty that the justice system couldn't protect this poor woman. They make a vow that they will save more women to honor her memory.
The women who survive will live in shelters, afraid to live with family members since the abusers may come looking for them. Their parents will often only receive anonymous phone calls from them to let them know that they are alive and are okay. Also, many of these victims quit their jobs to stay in complete hiding, again fearing for their lives.
Most of them have little to no money, since their abusers, as a form on control, took all finances away from them. They will live in shelters and temporary housing, seriously underfunded by the State, for about a year or so until something is found for them.
Some may never recover and fall into addiction or in some cases, commit suicide to escape their painful memories.
Years after they have tried to find a normal life, they still continue to have nightmares, they walk in a state of fear, wondering if their abuser will ever find them. They are susceptible to falling in love with other men who will abuse them again.
For the ones who may find a man to genuinely love them, it''s a difficult life. For example, if she accidentally breaks a glass, she gets scared, expecting this new man to beat her for it. He looks at her puzzled and says to her, 'It's ok, baby. I'm not mad, I promise." Events like these will happen many times in their life, where she reverts to being always afraid of a man who loves her. It's her PTSD and her survival instinct that is so mangled, it thinks that everything is a dangerous situation.
There is the added humiliation that she is afraid to be naked with her new lover and often, she suffers traumatic episodes when he softly tries to touch her. All she remembers is the pain. All the new man wants to do is to love her. Recovering a sense of her womanly sexuality is a great ordeal for both of them. He is always worried about being too aggressive with her during love making or playing. She is hypersensitive to all of his movements and words. Touching her feels like fire to her. She only remembers agony. He, upset and confused, does not understand why she cannot trust him. He knows her story, but he is not like that beast that beat her. Many times, unable to bring her out of her fear, this love will die and he will leave her. This will devastate her and may led her into depression and substance abuse, thinking to herself that she is worthless.
For the couples that stay together, love making is a very slow process. Even when the new husband thinks he did everything right, she will often cry afterwards. Her memories are too powerful to erase it away with sweet words and caresses. Each time is emotionally painful for her which prevents her from having pleasure, but she wants to gain control over her life and most nights, unable to copulate, they lay in the dark holding each other, her head buried in his chest crying hysterically. He cries too, hating and wanting to kill the man who abused his precious wife before. This may take months, maybe even years.
These new husbands feel tremendous guilt because at times they feel resentful that she can't express her love completely to them. They hate themselves for this natural jealousy. It's a tough thing to know that in a way, the abuser has hurt them, too. Yet, these brave men do not give up on the woman they want to love forever.
I have yet to mention the cases with children. Most of these domestic abuse cases involve them. I have just made a small summary, in fact. These words will never do justice to the real life stories of these women.
Here are a few links to have a look at. If you insist to hold onto your views, I can always link to autopsy photos of the women who didn't get the chance to leave and escape their violent abuser. Perhaps pictures of the murdered ones will change your mind?
This is what being attacked looks like:
http://www.domesticviolencenomore.com/
http://www.knoxcounty.org/fourthcircuitcourt/domesticviolence_photos7.php
http://chuckoliver.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/Domestic-Violence-2.jpg
http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=4861076n
http://www.dorset.police.uk/Default.aspx?page=3191
Hmm, I do not think the picture of the murdered victims will be necessary Prof X.
Lets just stick to helping the sister, i.e. the author of this original post.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I apologize for that remark.
I would like to remind all that the aim of this website is to help people in need. So if any comment on this post is found to be unhelpful, innappropriate or unnecessary, it will be deleted.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu alaikum everyone,
Alhamdulillah, I'm thankful to all for the words of knowledge, support and kindness. Whether the advices were given correct or incorrect, if there were any good intentions, may Allah swt pour His blessings over you. I apologize for not replying all this time.
These weeks, there were times that I just lost it, that I woke up and just layed there, that I couldn't do a thing. I couldn't cry, couldn't smile. It's like the life was sucked out of me. Until one day I suddenly thought, what if I died now? How would I face Allah swt? How could I be this ungrateful towards him? Yes, my husband tortured me and yes it hurt a whole lot, physically and mentally. But never should I forget Allah's blessing over me. Allah swt has given me a great test, in which I hope to please Him. That thought just gave me a boost to want to live again. I have taken full measures and assured myself that Allah swt will take care of His servants, even if I leave. May Allah bless you for your advice and dua.
In terms of disobeying, I sometimes can be forgetful and clumsy. And so that's how I clashed with him for anyone who wondered what I did.
May Allah swt guide us on our tests.
Aiyla.
Walaykum as salam, Sister Aiyla,
Ameen to your prayer.
Have you talked to your parents about your situation? You need family support or social assistance, please don´t stand more abuse of any kind.
If you have doubts, pray Istikhara, that is the prayer to look for Allah´s guidance, on the top of the page you have a link where you can learn about it.
All my Unconditional Love and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asalaam alaykum,
As Sister Maria advised, please seek confidence in your parents, friends, relatives, a counselor os eomeone besides your husband reharding the abuse you have been subjected to. No one should hurt or beat you for forgetfulness or clumsiness as this is NOT AN EXCUSE. There is NO EXCUSE for any kind of abuse.
Please do not consider yourself disobedient and libel for this violence by your husband. I am very worried that you may think that you must endure or persevere through this, but you do not have to and Islam does not place this burden upon you.
When Prophet Musa (as) feared persecution by his people, Allah (swt) guided him and kept him safe and led him to a life with love and hope. When Prophet Lut (as) had to flee the evil of his people, Allah (swt) kept him and his daughters safe from the destruction leveled on their oppressors. When Lady Maryam (as) was persecuted and verbally abused by her people, Allah (swt) guided her away from them and gave her pregnancy to give birth to one of the greatest prophets, Prophet Isa (as).
And when Prophet Muhammad (saw) was persecuted by the people of Mecca, Allah (swt) guided him out in the night towards Medina, keeping him safe and giving him a place of warmth and welcome.
Please stay safe and seek refuge. Our duas are with you, but please do not stay where you will ever be hurt again.
http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/am-i-being-abused-2/
asalamalaikum,
sister aiyla,
i have been a victim of domestic violence myself. in my case it was my father beating me and my mom. it never stopped till he became paralysed . even then he would show his hattered withhis eyes. it only ended when he died. its very strange feeling. a daugter thanking Allah that he died. a wife crying at her husbands death not for him but for herself that 35 years of torture has ended! it left me with very poor selfesteem. my mom just dont want to even think that that part of her life even existed. but its difficult to erase 35 year of your life just like that.
it had a lot of impact on my life. just remember my sis HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. thisis a test from Allah , and the test is to see that you stand up for yourself. opression is sin and staying a victim of opression is not what Allah has taught us. your test is not to survive in this torture , your test is to get out of it.
i can very well guess which part of asia he is from. i lived there , there is nothing you can do if you are a victim of domestic violence.you are lucky you are in western world. Allah has given you exit doors here. USE THEM!!!!
run my sister , just run away from this man as fast as you can!!!!!!!!. i have been there i know how it feels. i know the fear , i know hiding under the car, hiding under the bed, hiding in toilet, having dreams of my mom dying, or even i am giving her poison so that she is releived of this misery. i rememeber being held against the wall by my neck, my eyes being poked, etc.
Allah is with you, we all are with you, i wish i could just hold you in my arms and take you away like spider man. i wished as a kid that some miracle could happen. remember miracle doesnt happen! our actions are our miracles!
lots of love and duas for you. i really hope you write here soon that you are FREE. may Allah be with you and protect you.
Asalaam alaykum dear Sister friend,
You have written something of great value and unfortunately, it comes from pain. Yet, you mentioned something very striking that "our actions are our miracles." Subhan'allah, by acknowledging that "free will" is our gift from Allah (swt).
It is often forgotten that a lot of domestic abuse comes in the form of child abuse, as well. What a sad commentary on the human condition. Insha'allah, I will keep you and your mom in my duas.
As you said, Insha'allah, Sister Aiyla gets free and stays safe in physical means in this world and finds spiritual refuge with Allah (swt), in kind.
wa-alaikum-asalam prof x
thank you for making dua for us.
Alhamdulillah Allah looked after us all this time as per his promise. inama-al-usri-yusra.
surprisingly all this voilence never broke my spirit or a believe in the power of me. the little kitten always saw herself as a lion in the mirror. i think the only thing that broke me was when i found that my brother is homosexual. and when i looked into the causes of it ,domestic abuse was number one. may Allah guide him and protect him. please make dua for him.
iam very hopeful for Aiyla, the fact that she has come to this forum for suggestions shows that she is ready to fight back. Inshallah she will be soon free. my duas for her right from the heart.
As-salāmu 'alaikum wa rahmatullāhi wa barakātuh.
May Allāh [subhānahu wa ta'ālā] help your brother to fight against the whispers of the shaytān, and may Allāh remove such a condition from him and reveive him of it.
Make sure you always are with him to help him in his war against homosexuality, because a person in such a situation can easily be overpowered by the shaytān and dispair if he is alone and be tempted to commit the scummy deplorable act..
May Allāh preserve your brother upon Sunnah and not trail us from such a condition.
As for your father, then he is facing the terrible trail of the gave, so make sure you make du'ā for him, no matter what he did, eventhough this may be hard.
'Abdullāh
Wa3aleikoem assalaam Aiyla,
Thank you for posting your story here. It made me cry and cry as I realise that it could have been me and I'm really happy that you and the kids survived. I wish for you and your kids a safe and peacefull live.
I'm already several years in an abusive relationship and your story scared the hell out of me. My intution already warned me, but I ignored this over and over again. I was so confident that I could help my husband to control his anger and better himself and this by being patient and enduring everything he did to me, by every time trying to help him to improve himself until I found out that I was changed and my childeren as well. We were constantly walking on eggs, not knowing what would trigger his anger again.
regarding your comment.
"In terms of disobeying, I sometimes can be forgetful and clumsy. And so that's how I clashed with him for anyone who wondered what I did. "
I'm as well forgetful and clumsy, hoewever it even worsened when around my husband. A feeling of panic and fear would overwhelm me when I heard him entering or when I knew he would soon be entering the house. I'm so greatfull to Allah that you and the kids survived. I pray to Allah (swt) that you and your childeren and no one else has to ever go through this ever again.
I started doubting myself, my religion and my all the fundaments my parents had been working on their lives to make me the woman I was. I didn't want to live anymore. I only wondered what happened to me that I accepted to be so maltreated. This made me persisent to seek for more knowledge as I couldn't accept that Allah (swt) would want this for any one. I only came to the conclusion that in my community culture and tradition is in many cases prevailing above religion. This was really frightning, it made me realise I was really on my own and I didn't tell my family. His family knew more or less of the situation, but thought it would go over. As long as I give in everything would be ok for the outside world.
The day I saw my child (6yr) completely panicing and crying and screaming of what her dad would do to herr, because my other child (2yr) had made drawings with a marker on the wall (such a futility these are kids), made me realise I wasn't the only one suffering here. I calmed her down and cleaned the wall and painted the wall and assured her no one would hurt her.
Here I was angry at myself, I was so fighting to survive that I didn't realise that the childeren are already suffering under the situation. I knew I had to take action to protect my childeren, which ment difficult decisions had to be made, but I had to be precautius.
Dear Ayila please trust your intuition and do what is best for you and your childeren you already know, but please do this. Trust yourself don't let fear guide.
I'm know preparing my divorce and I'm feeling guilty over this and still cry from time to time. I know that It will take time to get over this and a counselor really helps in time I will take my kids as well.
I never ever want to go back to the situation I was in. I never want to be a victim again. Your story even made me more determined to persist and continue with my decision as I don't want this for anyone as well not for myself. I don't want to be responsible for another generation accepting violence.
Ayla thank you for sharing your story with us I find it very brave as it is not easy to do so.
May Allah (swt) guide us on His path.
I was even blamed to provoce my husband, simply because I started taking precautions against him.
Insha'allah, another story that will shed light on this demon of abuse, so that we rid it from our ummah with the help of Allah (swt).
We pray for all you sisters in these situations. Sister Aiyla, wherever you are, we pray that you are safe and free.
dear brother abu-az-zubayr.
asalamalaikum,
thank you for your duas. mashallah ,such is the muslim world, if one is hurt the other feels the pain.
brother, ihave nothing against my father. i loved him then and still do, and iam sure he did as well but he just happened to be a voilent man as well. he had been a victim of domestic voilence and much more evil in this world.i feel sorry for him that Allah gave him a loving wife and most adorable loving kids to be proud of but he just didnt enjoy this paradise on earth. i always pray for him for his ease.
alhamdulillah , i have done well in life. i always give my father credit that of all the things he has given to his kids ,education is one gift that he gave to all his kids, and which ever way we are benefiting from it, the sawab is going to him. i dont hate him. i love him. i just wished he knew the same, may be it would have helped him ease his anger.
i understand why aiyla is hesitant leaving her husband, she is just hanging on to those very brief good(kind) times she has had with him , hoping that one day they will be lasting longer and frequent and maybe then these few beatings she will be able to bear.she thinks that she is provoking this anger. but its not her ,its him. she cant do much other than keep getting beaten up and humiliated.her life is a gift fromGod, she needs to keep it safe and precious. Allah is with her ,she can do it.inshallah.
Assalam o alikum Sister Aiyla,
I understand what you are going thru as I myself was in an abusive marriage for 6 years.
It was before i converted and i was very young. I left my home country in Europe and move thousands of miles away to be with this person. The thing is when we are young (especially in our teenage years) we are very naive and it's easy to overlook any warning signs. And even then when you actually get to experience the abuse - in the "good/peaceful times" in between you forget how bad you have been treated and stay.
I read the whole thread of responses to your question and i cried...it brought back so many bad memories and i wanted to share it with you and give you a word of advice from my own experience.
I was in a foreign (western country) with noone beside my now ex-husband. He was over 10 years older then me, well educated, had a well paid job etc. Due to our cultural differences and english being my second language we had many fights. He was a very controlling, had anger and rage control issues, his-way-or-the-highway type of person, overly critical, over achiever and what mattered for him the most is his outside image of a husband, father etc. It's what have happened behind closed doors noone was to know.
I was physically abused for 6 years. From hitting andpunching my arms, kicking me, pushing me (even fown the stairs), throwing things at me etc.
I tried fighting back but no woman is a match for a man.
It wasnt like that everyday. It was every few weeks or months. But now as i look back i should have left after the first time it happened.
The physical abuse was unberable, however the mental and verbal abuse was worse. Bruises heal faster then your mind does. He made me to believe it was somehow my fault, whatever it was. I started to change who i was just to not anger him. But i would never know what kind of new thing would set him off.
I kept it a secret for almost 6 years, dealing with this nightmare on my own. I was embarrassed to reach out and ask for help.
Until one day when we were in the car. I was driving and stopped at a red light. He was yelling at me because someone had looked at me and he was jealous (i didnt look at that person and had no idea he looked at me). Then he started to punch my arm with his fist, then he punched my nose and my forehead. At that point i just yelled out: hit me so there will be bruises. He stopped, got out of the car and called the Police on me (!) He told them i was attacking and beating him. 3 police cars came and nd the officers saw me (crying with marks on my face from his punches) and then they saw him over 200 pound man with no marks, scratches or anything whatsoever.
That day was a blessing in disguise for me as i filled a restraining order and was seperated from him from that day on.
My friends and neighbors helped me a lot. They all suspected something was wrong but noone knew forsure as i never spoke up.
Dear sister its been 5 years since that day and at times i can still remember how painful and unbearable life with him was for me. It took me about 2 years to find peace, happiness and be able to enjoy lil things again. It wasnt easy but it wasnt impossible. Like i said he had a good job and he had money but believe me id rather be poor and just have enough to get by instead of having money and live in fear for my life.
I think it takes a person who went thru abuse to be able to relate snd sympethise with someone else going thru a similar ordeal.
In those 6 years i kept it quiet and even in the end it was himwho called the police (how ridiculous but it goes to show how irrational nd not of sound mind he was when angry).
Men like that dont change. Please dont stay hoping he will change. Get out before its too late.
I have Alhamdulillah and now im happy. In the meantime i found Islam to be the only tru Religion, i converted and ive been practicing ever since Alhmd.
There are quite a few people on this site that are good Muslims, very knowledgeable as well as having big hearts and being here for people in need.
All the Editors and Brother Professor X and a few others stand out in their excellent advices and genuine care. May Allaah (swt) give you all many blessings inshaAllaah.
Please dear Sister listen to their suggestions and no matter what be safe.
Allaah (swt) is Al-Alim (The All Knowing) and Al-Hadi (The Guide) and inshaAllaah He will protect you andguide you to be safe and happy.
As to the men like my ex-husband and him alike i also believe Allaah is Al-Muhsi (The Reconer) and Al-Adl (The Just).
Ill keep you in my duaas.
Allaah Hafiz
Sister Hafsah
Alhamdullilah Sister Hafsa.
The more women that post here encouraging her to leave and sharing their own stories, give us all hope for an ummah in which domestic violence will be non-existent and abusive spouses will be held accountable. There is nothing more beautiful than a woman who becomes free and secure with the guidance of Allah (swt).
Resources for women in the UK. http://www.apna-haq.co.uk/supportget.html
This website has various languages available:
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=0001000100080004
http://www.victimsupport.org.uk/Help-for-victims
Assalam o alikum Brother Professor X,
Jazakallaah for your kind words as well as your knowledge and advices.
Speaking up and reaching out for help is the only way for battered women. As being one myself (in the past) i know how important it was to know I was not alone and helpless. That there were proper autrorities and family and/or friends who would help.
I cant thank them enough. But most of all i thank Allaah - to guide me and protect me. Alhamdulillaah.
"When the Scrolls are laid open; When the World on High is unveiled; When the Blazing Fire is kindled to fierce heat; and When the Garden is brought near; - (Then) shall each soul know what it has put forward."
Surah At-Takwir 81:10-14
"It is He Who sent down to you (step by step), in truth, the Book, confirming what went before it; and He sent down the Law (of Moses) and the Gospel (of Jesus) before this, as a guide to mankind, and He sent down the Criterion (of judgment between right and wrong)."
Surah Al-Imran 3:3
"When the wrong-doers (actually) see the Penalty, then it will in no way be mitigated, nor will they then receive respite'"
Surah Al-Nahl 16:85
Allaah Knows Best!
Khuda Hafiz
Sister Hafsah
TAKE STAND AND SEE THIS MAY HELP YOU AS EVERY HUMAN BEING IS SUBJECT TOT LAW OF THE LAND-A victim of domestic violence can obtain a Restraining Order. A victim of domestic abuse means a person protected by the law and shall include any person who has been subjected to domestic abuse by a spouse, or any other person who is a present or former household member and where the victim is 18 years of age or older or who is an emancipated minor. A victim, of any age, who has been subjected to domestic violence by a person who she/he says will be the father/mother of the child when the pregnancy is carried to term is also covered by this law. A victim, of any age, also includes any person who has been subjected to domestic violence by a person with whom the victim has had a dating relationship.
Domestic violence means the occurrence of one or more of the following acts committed against a victim by an adult or an emancipated minor:
Assault