What would a good muslim do with a troublesome relative?
Asalamualaykum,
I am a 16 year old muslim girl, I live in ****** London and trying to become a better muslim.
I have faced lots of difficulties even though I'm only 16. For my question:
I have a cousin who I used to be very attached to. I saw her as a sister as well as a best friend, until she did various things that made my reputation, well, bad. She did things and blamed it on me, but slyly. I didn't know until my sister and friends told me; I didn't know what to do. I know that not talking to her or avoiding her wouldn't help. And so I decided to research about it and found that as a muslim I should forgive her. And so I did.
My problem is that she now does these things intentionally over and over again making members of my family think I am the bad influence. I try to forget and forgive and ask Allah to clear any anger in my heart from her. And alhamdullah I wake up happy, but is this right? Am I doing the right thing by letting her do this? Is it fair? For me?
The situation is a bit more complicated than I put it out to be, Inshallah you brothers and sisters, aunties and uncles will understand. I know it sounds a bit childish but it really is something that I want to fix the right way knowing that Allah is happy with what I've done/doing.
Jazakallahukar.
~Tahnat
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Salaams,
You indeed did the noble thing by extending your forgiveness to her. I commend your desire to continue to manage this issue correctly and in such a way that devalues neither your cousin nor yourself.
I want to let you know that when we forgive someone, it doesn't mean we have to trust them. There are some very untrustworthy people that need our forgiveness. While forgiveness is about how we deal with what's already happened, trust is about how we manage what's going to happen in the future. When someone violates our trust, we need to deal with them in clear boundaries until they are willing and able to earn our trust back.
I am not sure what your cousin's motivation is to slander you or make you look bad to the rest of the family. You do have a right to keep the reputation you are working hard to build by your good choices, and that shouldn't be easily taken away by the actions of others to defame you.
I think the best course of action for you in this instance is to confront your cousin and tell her that you know what she is doing, and give examples. I am sure she will try to deny it but the reason for the confrontation is not so much to get her to admit to something as it is to let her know how you are going to handle it moving forward. You can go to her and say, "I know you are trying to tell our relatives that I am doing this and that because (give example). I am just coming to you now to let you know that unless and until you go to our relatives and admit that these things are not true about me and offer me a sincere apology for trying to ruin my reputation, that I am not going to talk to you or have any further interactions with you." In this you are setting a boundary, one that can be changed when she does the right thing which you have plainly stated.
The next step is to follow through. Keep to yourself and avoid her. You are not wronging her because you clearly informed her why you are doing this and how she can change it. If she cares enough about you to make it right and try to earn your trust back, you can start dealing with her again, but be clear that if she ever does it to you again in the future you will respond by doing the same as well.
If you put up this boundary and she changes nothing and carries on as she has, trying to ruin your reputation even further, don't let up. In time, the rest of the family will see that you have parted friendly ways with her and wonder why. You can tell them simply that she is wronging you and that you are removing yourself from her so that you can be seen as you truly are and not as she is trying to paint you. It doesn't have to be mean spirited or with anger or hate, it can just be matter of fact. Eventually the rest of the family will see there is some problems that need to be sorted out with you two and offer to intervene as arbitrators to make things as they need to be.
Your other option is to approach different family members and ask them to be present as arbitrators as you confront her about what she's doing, and maybe this will shortcut to a resolution without you having to setting a drastic boundary.
This is advice you can follow or not, it's just my best suggestion. I am sure others will have alternative suggestions for you as well. I hope you can find the solution that brings harmony within your family and protects your reputation at the same time.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Stay away from people who do not help you get a place in jannah
Our prophet PBUH said your friends are the refelction of your deen so pick and choose them wisely
Tahnat, I assume you spend time with this cousin, and that's why she is able to portray you as a bad influence? If so, then that's the problem. It's fine to forgive her, but you also need to stop associating with her. Cut off your relationship with her altogether. Don't hang out with her, don't be around her. This girl is not your friend!
I teach a small martial arts class with only four students. I've been teaching it for three years, so we all know each other very well, and we consider each other to be friends. But one of our group, J, is very manipulative and sly. One time he invited me to play ping pong at his place. He loaned me a racket, and I accidentally dinged it on the table and put a small dent in it. He claimed it was very expensive and he blamed me for ruining it. So I had to pay him $30. I am sure that he lied. It looked like any other paddle to me. After that I never accepted an invitation from him again. He can be very charming at times, smiling and calling me brother, and telling me how much I mean to him. But at other times he disrupts my class and challenges my instruction.
My point is that I absolutely refuse to socialize with him. If he invites me to lunch, or to play ping pong, or even asks me to help him study for an exam, I always say no, because I know that he's not a trustworthy person and if he sees a way to manipulate me for his benefit, he will.
It's fine to be forgiving, which means that we do not hold any hatred or rancor in our hearts. But we also must protect ourselves from those who seek to harm us.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salamualaikum.
Tahnat, i understand the situation and have seen situations like these and worse.
It is very good that you forgive her, because Allah loves those who respect the blood ties. Aslo to mention that ones who beak the ties as disliked by Allah. There are various ahadeeth that mention this.
So, you should not break the ties, but as brother Wael said, you should 'temporarily' keep away from her and stop all communication with her and stop going anyehere with her.
But if this does not help, then be normal, just exchange salams and make sure you are not seen with her so that people don't accept her excuses and allegations on you.
One more thing is that you should do tawbah to Allah because maybe this is because of any mistake you may have made, otherwise, it could be a test frrom Allah, to increase your levels of Eemaan. So, be happy and have a lot of patience, and do mention to her that you will no more be with her.
This is solely my advise and May Allah Forgive me if this is not what is correct per His Law.
Aameen,
Muhammad Waseem Saifullah