IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

October 29, 2006

This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, the AskBilqis.com and Zawaj.com Editor and Administrator.

QUESTION:

Dear Bilqis,

I was raised as a Buddhist. I met a Muslim man two years ago. Since then I have gained a fair knowledge of Islam and have converted. I read the Quran frequently, pray five times every day and fast in Ramadan.

Myself and this man want to marry as we feel we are a good match, but his mother is dead against this. She does not see me as a real Muslim even though she knows that i have converted. I think it has something to do with reputation as well because theirs is a reputed family in the area and she thinks that a convert as daughter-in-law is a disgrace for the family.

My own mother has agreed to this marriage since she belives that my happiness in life with the person I love is more important than religious differances. Please tell me how to handle this situation, and make his mother see the way my mother sees things.

Thank you,

- Sister A. from Sri Lanka

WAEL ANSWERS:

Dear Sister A., As-Salamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullah,

It's really too bad that your prospective groom's mother has these attitudes about converts. I don't understand how any Muslim can think this way.

I suggest that you remind her of the following two points:

1. The Sahaabah

Ask her, what does she think of Khadijah (the wife of the Prophet, may Allah be pleased with her)? What does she think of 'Umar ibn al-Khattab, Abu Bakr As-Siddiq, Salman al-Farisi, Suhaib Ar-Roomi (may Allah be pleased with them all), and all the other famous and beloved companions of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him)?

Most likely she will say that she has the highest respect for them and that they are shining examples for all Muslims. At the very least she will admit that they were great people.

Then you can remind her that all of them were converts. Some of them worshipped idols before they became Muslim. Some of them were pagans, or Christians, or followed no religion whatsoever. And yet they became the beautiful flowers of truth, and the champions of the Islamic cause.

2. Modern Muslim Leaders

Secondly, consider our modern times. Some of the most famous and passionate Muslims in our modern age are converts. Such leaders and scholars as Hamza Yusuf, Bilal Philips, Yusuf Islam, Zaid Shakir, and many more, are all converts. And in fact the current president of the Islamic Society of North America - the largest Islamic organization in North America - is sister Ingrid Mattson, a convert and a woman.

Islam is not a royal lineage or a genetic heritage that is automatically passed from generation to generation. It is a conscious choice. It is a matter of daily belief and practice. In my experience, the most active, progressive, hard working, passionate Muslims tend to be converts, because they have chosen this religion from their hearts as a personal commitment.

Use Gentle Persuasion

Your prospective mother in law thinks that having a convert in the family would be a disgrace? Just the opposite. Anyone who looks down on converts, or considers them to be less than "real Muslims," has disgraced himself by rejecting his own brothers and sisters in faith.

So I suggest that you point these things out to her, or let her son do it, since he surely has more influence with her. He should also let her know that this is the choice he wants and he is serious about it. But be gentle and persuade her in a kind way. Harsh language and argumentation will only harden her heart and solidify her attitudes.
Glory to You Allah, we praise You, we bear witness that there is no God except You, we ask Your forgivess and we repent to You.
Best regards,

- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Administrator
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