Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My Husband is Addicted to Drugs – Should I Wait for Him to Change?

October 31, 2006

This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, the AskBilqis.com and Zawaj.com Editor and Administrator.

QUESTION:

Dear Bilqis,

I have been married for 6 months now though I am only 18 years old.

I fell in love with the guy and he was and still is a nice guy. But he had this habit before we got married, he was obssessed with alcohol and drugs.

He told me he would quit after we got married, but I'm getting really suspicious that he is still doing it. I can see it from his eyes when he gets high! And he sits there and lies about it everytime. I say what's wrong with your eyes, he says I just woke up from sleep but I. know he wasn't sleeping.

I'm not pregnant yet but my biggest fear is that when I have his baby, how will he be able to support me and the baby if he wont stop behaving that way. I really love him but I don't know what to do. One side of my head is telling me, "Leave him, he's wasting your time." Another side of me is telling me to stay with him and see if anything would change.

Why is he still addicted to drugs? Is something bothering him? Please write back.

Maasalama,

- Young Woman from Somalia

WAEL ANSWERS:

Dear Young Woman, As-Salamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullah,

You know that part of you that is saying, "Leave him, he's wasting your time"?

Listen to that part.

I'm quite a bit older than you and I have been around the block a few or a few dozen times. Having grown up in the United States, I have seen and known people who had problems with alcohol or drugs, both Muslims (rare in my experience) and non-Muslims (more common). I had one friend who died of a heroin addiction when I had no idea he was even using it. I had another friend who quit using cocaine and I gave that person a lot of encouragement, but then that person began using it again and I ended our friendship permanently.

So let me explain a few things about drug addiction:

1. Drug addiction is not something you can reason or explain

There is no way to know or understand why your husband uses drugs and alcohol. It could be that he is depressed and it takes his mind off his worries. It could be that he came from an abusive family environment, or that he is following an example set by his father or some other family member. It could be that he is physically addicted and unable to stop, even if he wants to. Or it could just be that he enjoys it. There's really no way to know, and it's a waste of time to try to figure it out. The simple fact is, he is an addict and he is not going to change until he is ready. Which brings me to my second point...

2. The desire to quit must come from him

You can love him, encourage him, pressure him, harangue him, shout at him... it will not make any difference. He will not quit until he is ready. It has to come from inside him, out of his own burning desire. Unfortunately, in most cases this does not happen until the addict has hit rock bottom. By that time he has either destroyed all his family relationships and ended up homeless, or he is dead. Being around an addict will drive you crazy and make your life a living hell. Why?

Because...

3. Addicts lie, cheat and steal

That's what an addict does. He may be able to maintain some control over his life and keep a job in the beginning but eventually it starts to fall apart. At this point he begins to steal to get money to pay for his habit.

And addicts lie all the time, to everyone, especially to their own friends and family. They are not in control of their own lives. The drug is in control. You cannot reason with them and you cannot trust them.

Count this as a difficult lesson learned

You're very young, and so you can be forgiven and excused for making the mistake of believing this loser and trusting him (and marrying him).

Fortunately you do not have any children yet - alhamdulillah, you should really be very, very grateful and thankful to Allah that you have learned your lesson at a very young age and you can get out of this doomed relationship and move on with your life without any serious baggage to take with you.
If any readers have some advice for this young woman, feel free to post your comments below.

Glory to You Allah, we praise You, we bear witness that there is no God except You, we ask Your forgivess and we repent to You.

Best regards,

- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Administrator
AskBilqis.com Islamic Marriage and Family Advice
ZAWAJ.COM Muslim Matrimonials and More!

30 Responses »

  1. I now find myself in the same situation, only far too late. I married a man from Morocco, who I found out this past 2 yrs, has been successfully hiding an alcohol addiction for the bulk of our marriage. Now, after 7 yrs of marriage, I have come to the same dilema of whether I should leave or stay. It has been very hard. I love him sooo very much and he is a good person but he has become the biggest liar and is now doing everything he can to protect his addicton. Islamically, also I know that I should get rid of him (he doesn't pray, read Quran or anything else) but I know especially I should leave him because he has no incentive to stop and I now realize that. By staying with him, I am enabling him to continue his destructive behaviour and for me to spend 90% of my time worrying about him and praying he will stop. This has been a very helpful post and comment because it has given the strength to do what I know I should have done in the first place when I found out. Leave him, which I pray that you do, young lady because it is not worth it to stay, no matter how much you love him or how good a person he is, he will only keep going because he has no rason to stop.

  2. Im writing to the somalie girl who's married to an addict.
    My advice to you my dear is to leave your husband immediately otherwise you will get into deep problems with him, from my experience at this stage you can't help him , he can't control himself you should be away and tell his family to support him to go to rehab but for an addict it always takes years for him to realize that he is an addict and he needs a professional help and it is usually after causing a lot of damage to himself and the ones who love him and care for him. so basically it's a choice that you should make yourself , whether you are ready to sacrifice so many years of your life waiting for him to recover from his illness if he survives or you want to go on with your life. but be sure that you will go through a lot of hard times if you choose to give sacrifices.
    I wish you a good luck.

  3. dear muslim brother: excuse me, who are you to judge a person because he is an addict and destroy his marriage with your advise to the wife... you say that you have been around the block!! my question for you is: have you been an addict to understand and give advise? have you been in the block..

    i have been an addict since 1996.. today i am off drugs for 2 years, 3 months, & 15 days wa alhamdullallah..
    please tell the young wife that there is a way & support her man not abondon him in the time that there is no one is there for him..

    look up website na.org this is the path i found & the salvation from the desease of addiction for every one.
    i will be glad if you reply me & i am more than ready to help..
    u have my email brother,, please do

    al salam alaikom.... ahmed from egypt

  4. Ahmed, As-salamu alaykum. I think it's wonderful that you were able to beat your addiction and that you are now clean. Ma'shaa'Allah, that's very good.

    I have never been an addict myself. However, I have been around them and known them, and I have seen the devastating effect that it has on the individual and the family.

    If this young woman's husband was ready to take that step and go to rehab to get clean, then I would say yes, she should stand by him and support him. But according to her letter, he shows no interest in changing his ways. He is still drinking and using drugs and lying about it. Who knows when he will be ready to try to change? Five years? Ten years? Maybe never?

    I stand by my original answer, that this is a bad situation and she should get out of it while she can.

  5. Dear Young Woman from Somalia...
    Actually, you've known what you should do, but you still doubt because you still fall in love with him. Let me ask you, what the meaning of love, when the love will harm you (soon or late)? Please be realistic, you're so young, you still can reach better future. Don't regret from what you've gotten, take it as an experiance in your life & learn it to prevent you from another mistake.
    At last, if within 6 months you've known that you're not suitable with him, why you have to wait until a few years to leave him. Make decision sooner..

  6. I stand by Wael. Ahmed in Egypt, Masha'allah, I applaud you in your being clean for so long and I pray that, insha'Allah, that you continue in staying that way. But brother, you of all people should know that any addict, be it to drugs or alcohol, has to hit what is called "rock bottom". Most addicts have to lose everything important and everyone they love before they ever decide to change their lives. It is usually at that time that they actually face their addiction and realize what they have done to their lives and their families lives and decide to make a change to get finally clean. Everyone is different, every addict is as well but they usually follow set patterns of behaviour when it comes to addiction that all addicts do.

    My husband has been drinking since he was 12 yrs old--this he told me one night when he was smashed a few weeks ago and I never knew that. If I had, I definitely would not have even thought of marrying him. Every time he comes home drunk, I find out something "new" that either he has been doing to hide alcohol from me, now and in the past, or some revelation about his past alcoholic behaviour, like being stopped by the police 8 times for suspected DWI (Driving While Intoxicated) and laughing and being proud of it! I don't know this man; the man I met and married was a sweet, shy, caring man, who would give his shirt to help anyone, who loved me totally. Now, I am married to a sloppy, drunk, thinks-only-of-himself, careless, lying, thief, whose only goal now is to be sober enough to work and not get caught while driving drunk.

    I feel especially ashamed after workling a lot of my life with addicts and abused women, I have fallen into a marriage and am supported a behaviour that I have counseled many against in my career and totally know better than most. Wael is correct in telling this young lady to get out. All the love, strength and support in the world WILL NOT GET AN ADDICT TO STOP USING especially if he is not willing or does not want to seek help. If her husband (or mine) had said to her, " I am trying to stop and I need help." and was doing things to get this accomplished, I would tell her to hang in there and stick it out and be as supportive as she could but he isn't doing that. I went to see my imam this past week for counsel and advice in my situation and he told me what Wael is telling this young lady: Divorce him.

    At 18, the last thing she needs is to be married another 3 or 4 years while he keeps feeding his addiction before she gets out and maybe with a baby in tow. If you were in America, Brother Ahmed, you would see many forms and kinds of addicts that don't change with money, time, support, love, and "hanging in there". The only thing that changes them is to get out of their lives until they clean up their own. My husband has no desire to seek help or get clean. You know what he told me this past week? I said, "what would happen if you lost everything, including me?" He said, "I would be single to do as I please, I could drink all I want and live on the street and not pay rent. I would be happy!" Well, you can't fight or support that. Very soon, he will get his wish. He lost me already.

    • As salamu alaykum,

      You are giving him a power that he doesn´t have, he cannot loose you, it is your decision to stay in that situation, I haven´t seen anywhere someone telling you tp keep attached to this situation that is making you sick. He has made his choice he made it clear to you, he has been honest to you, why are you still punishing yourself because of his behaviour. He has chosen his path, why don´t you make your own decisions? why are you using him as a excuse not to move on with your life?

      You sound as a well prepared person intellectually speaking, he is giving you the opportunity to talk through the marrow of your bones to others when you speak about going out of all that situation, he is giving you the opportunity to mature to what you have said to others by observing or studying, now Allah(swt) has given you the tools and the opportunity to make your own decisions and grow up.

      It is your choice and your chance not to complain but to move to the direction you want to go in life. He has done it already.

      All my unconditional love and respect,

      María

  7. Dear Friend

    I have waited for 10 years, hoping that my husband will leave drugs, but the situation gets worse, and I have no other option to get divorced. Finally I got divorced this year.

    We people have two hells in front of us, one is living with drug addict husband and other is living alone. It is our right to choose less hell, i.e living alone.

    So Go ahead and divorce.

  8. Drug Addiction will not only ruin your body but it would also mess up your life.'~"

  9. Leave now before it's too late

  10. For me its too late.. i'm Crying as i write this..our kids have been taken away from us by the SocIAL service..he drink and sleeps with Junkies...Oh my God!
    I'm living him now after 15years.. i realy have tried..everything..but he lost the job, we lost our house..its realy Bad!..he stinks and hang around Junkies..we Both are Muslims..
    Beleave me.. its time for me to go too.. Ilove him though..soo much..My AllAH protects him, n me too

    • As salamu alaykum, Dinna,

      Yor are always on time. Don´t be afraid of your tears.

      Pray Allah my beloved Sister, get close to Him as much as you can, He will show you the way.

      I have you and your children in my prayers.

      Barak Allah feekum.

      My unconditional Love and Respect,

      María

  11. Dinna, I understand; we all allow thigns to hurt our kids in the process. WE think we are doign the right thing by trying to support our spouse, but I have learned something along the way.

    Kids are not adults. They are helpless, and need a protector. When the man does not play that role, the wife must. Your husband is an adult, your children are not. I wonder if you leave him, if you could perhaps get your children back? Your children have done nothing to deserve this, as Im sure you know by your tears you expressed :( Your husband, he is a man and adult and shoudl not be rendered capable of taking down the lives of those three chidlren. Get them back! do not give up hope! your kids need you! However, if you are going to stand by your husband, when he shows no proof of recovery, perhaps your kids are better off with someone else raising them. Maybe you have considered these things already.

    Love your kids more than him. They need an advocate. My heart aches for you, terribly. I am sure you are a good person, just caught up soemwhere you never imagined you'd be. If I were there, I cwould help you get your kids back!!!!! If you wanted that!!!!

    • Hi, I have three kids, All in which we adopted at birth. They are 9, 10 and 14. I filed for a divorce because I highly suspect my husband is on drugs. He has been sued for 11,000 and I got a credit card bill for 64,000.00. However, he will not tell me what charges are on the bill. I am hoping along the way of this divorce that if I request a hair drug test that they will ask my husband for it. If he denies it than I know something is there but too much money missing and his anger problem out of control. I am hoping I am wrong but would like to ease my mind. His sister has always had trouble with drugs. The good thing is we are separated now. He is working in L.A. but has kept me in the dark with our finances for years. I hope I am wrong but he is avoiding me now to maniupulate me in not getting a divorce. I think he knows he may get caught in his own track now when they ask for a full accounting and so much money is missing. I need help to keep strong myself.

      • As salamu alaykum, Sister,

        Stay strong, Shirly, you are mother of three, when you see the doors closed look up for an open window, you´ll get it, insha´Allah.

        Keep focus on Allah(swt)( thoughts, words and acts); He(swt) will show you the right way and will give you the strength and hope whenever you need it, insha´Allah.

        All my Unconditional Love for all of you,

        María
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  12. my husband is on drugs crack cocaine and i suspect a great part of his life revolves around that and now he took his stuff and left obviously to do drugs more freely .What must i do

    • 786, change the locks on all your doors so he can't get back in to steal anything. Then get a divorce and thank Allah that you escaped that marriage with your safety and sanity.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  13. AS SALAMU ALAYKUM

    MY HUSBAND WAS DRUG ADDICT CLEANED HIMSELF BUT WENT RIGHT TO IT BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED I'M SOO TIRE OF HIS LIES SOOO, TIRE WHEN HE NEVER COMES HOME FEW DAYS SOO HE COULD HANG AROUND WITH JUNKIES & DO WHAT EVER HE WANT TO DO LEAVES ME WORRIES THAT SOMETHING MAY HAPPENED TO HIM. I'M ALSO SOO TIRE OF WHEN I TELL HIM IS OVER HE WOULD TELL ME THAT I HE WOULD QUITE, HE WOULD GIVE IT UP WOULD OR WOULD EVEN TELL THAT HE WOULD GO TO SUPPORT GROUP,OR START PRAYING ALL THE SALATS EVEN THE LATE NIGHT PRAYER.
    AFTER HE DO ALL THAT HE WOULD GO BACK TO RIGHT TO IT FROM THE START AND SPENDS ALL HIS MONEY WITH IT.I KNOW REALIZE THAT I CAN'T HELP HIM SO I PUT HIM OUT AND TOLD HIM I WANT DIVORCE WHICH HE DISAGREE BUT I FEEL SOOO SORRY FOR HIM BECAUSE HE HAVE NOWHERE ELSE TO GO EXCEPT THE MUSJID WHICH HE DON'T GO. MY MIND IS TELLING DOING THAT TO HIM IS WRONG MY FEELING IS THAT I GOT TROUBLE FROM ALLAH , AND HEART IS TELL ME THAT I GOT FEED UP WITH ALL THIS.PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK WHICH IS RIGHT MY MIND OR HEART.
    MAY ALLAH BLESS YOU.

    • MRS. abdi, you are right to divorce him. It's up to him whether or not to change. He has made his choice. Every time he goes back to drugs, he is choosing the drugs over his religion, over his marriage, and over you. If he chooses a life of misery and poverty that's up to him, but you should not stick around until he gives you a disease or sells everything in the home. Move on and live your life. His life is up to him.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • THANK YOU WAEL BUT THERE NO WAY IN THE WORLD HE WOULD LET ME GO HE THINK I'M ONLY LAST CHANCE SINCE HE LOST EVERYTHING ELSE OVER THE DRUGS NOW HE SNUG HIS WAY BACK TO MY HOME AFTER HE BEG AND TOLD ME THAT HE WOULD CHANGE AFTER ALL THOSE I DON'T TRUST HIM NO MORE AND I JUST TO RUN AWAY WITH MY THREE KIDS AND HIDE SOMEPLACE THAT HE WOULD NEVER FIND ME AGAIN BUT THOUGHS IN MY MIND WOULD ALLAH PUNISH ME FOR THIS I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF HE DOING ALL THIS TO IMPRESS ME OR SAKE OF ALLAH. DO YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS OR ADVICE FOR ME PLEASE. I LOST MY WHOLE FAMILY FOR HIM AND I THINK I'M LOSING MY MIND OVER THIS.I CAN'T THINK NO MORE.
        THANK YOU MAY ALLAH BLESS YOU.

        • Allah will not punish you for doing something that is allowable in Islam. Divorce is allowable, and I would certainly say that you have grounds.

          Save some money, plan your exit, then leave quietly. You can contact him once you are safe, and ask for a divorce.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  14. I am a living example or should i say survivor of a partner who tried to change an addict .
    You CANNOT change them !! i was married at 18 to a drug addict and alcohol abuser we had three children i had a buisness and a house he gambled and put it all in drugs , so i had to leave however i met another drug addict and i knew very little he was , 3 years later with no one left in my life a broken arm broken ribs and a concusin with 3 kids to care for i had to leave .. i vowed never to let this happen again so i put my self in a shelter to understand why this was hapening to me over and over ,when i left the shelter with my children i thougth i was strong enough and smart now to see the signs .. and you know what i fooled my slef once more with an addict we had a child together and now i have 4 kids that i work my but off for alone every day .. I would cook clean pay all the bills i tried it all trust i really did and almost left my life why you might ask ? for the same reasons you stay because in my head he was different or it was my fault i made men this way how could i have the same problems with all of them and my awnser was simple i now understand the truth and accet it .. i wanted to save daddy , daddy did not change for me he did not love me enough to be that family man or partner to my mother so a man would show me i a was good enough for him to change for me , after all i am good looking i pay my bills im a great mom i am clean pfffttt ..there is nothing that will fill that gap an addict has until they decide its enough . please run as far as you can ! life is not meant to sacrafice pieces of you to addictions you dont have .

  15. AS SALAMU ALAYKUM REALLY NEED ADVICE PLEASE HELP ME I'VE BEEN MARRIED 2YEARS AND 1/2 WITH HUSBAND THAT DRUG ADDICT OCCASIONLY WHEN HE IS DEPRESSOUT,SOMETIME HE GOES WHILE HE IS USING AND NEVER COMES BACK TILL 2 -3 DAYS LATER ONLY ALLAH KNOWS,FOR TWO YEARS HE ALWAYS TELLS ME HE GONNA CHANGE,HE MADE SOO MANY PROMISES,SWEAR AND PUT HIS HAND ONTHE HOLY QURAN I EVEN GOT COMMITTMENT LETTER FROM HIM THAT HE NEVER GONNA DO THAT STAFF AGAIN.WHEN HE NOT USING HE IS GOOD MUSLIM WHO PREACHES ABOUT THE DEEN.WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS,IS HE GOING BACK EVEN THOUGH HE NEVER GOT HELP FOR IT.HOW DOES SOME SAY HE GONNA CHANGE WHEN HE IS ADDICT AND DIDN'T GET NO HELP??????
    THANK YOU
    MA SALAMA

    • Dear Sister, Walaykumsalaam,

      I am sorry for the difficulties you are experiencing. From what you have written, I have understood that you have been married for 2.5 years, that your husband has an addiction to drugs when he is depressed and when under the influence of drugs, he goes AWOL, further that he keeps promising to change but this always fails, he is otherwise a good Muslim.

      The question you are now asking is this: Can your husband break this drug addiction without getting help for it?

      This is a very good question you have asked. It shows that you realise that his words and declarations of 'going clean' really do not mean much. I do not know much about this topic, but from the little I do know (as a layman), being addicted to drugs is a very serious problem and can become much worse if not dealt with in early stages. When someone has an addiction, be it to drugs, alcohol, relationships, porn, (surfing the net, yes even that), it becomes only stronger and stronger unless something intervenes or unless the person actually wants to stop. Being under the influence of drugs is not only harmful to the one consuming the drug, but to those he interacts with aswell and there are some very important things I want you to think about:

      - How is your husband administering the drugs? Is he injecting? Is the needle clean? If not, he is open to catching a number of serious life threatening/debilitating viruses/diseases, such as HIV, Hepatitus C. As you are his wife, these viruses/diseases can be passed on to you through sexual relations and on to any children if he impregnates you.

      - How do you know what he is doing when he goes AWOL? The likelihood is that he is staying with people who are also drugs abusers, so being amongst such people, he could be involved in all sorts of sordid/illicit activities - drinking alcohol, gambling, crime. He could be sexually active with other women - again leaving him open to catching some debilitating disease which he can pass on to you.

      - In which ever way he is taking the drugs, these chemicals will never have a good affect on his mental or physical health. If he has not already, he may become verbally/physically abusive towards you.

      You say that your husband does want to break his drug addiction because he keeps telling you so. The problem is, is that he is not seeking any help to do so. Have you suggested to him that he seek professional help? Sister, I think it is very important for you to reassure yourself first. Tell yourself that you do not want to live the rest of your life in this situation, or worse. So you need to distance yourself enough to secure your own health at the same time also see if you can help your husband.

      1. Reassure your husband that you love him very much, but you will NOT continue living this way. You will not tolerate him going absent for days on end while you are worried sick at home. You will not live your life with a man who takes drugs and is putting not only his life/health/happiness at risk but yours aswell. Tell him, you want to live your life with him as a practising Muslims, you want to have healthy children, a husband who gives you protection security and love BUT unless he starts getting the medical help he needs to 'go clean' (now), you will have no choice but to leave him for good.

      2. Tell him that he must take positive steps towards helping himself. So he must visit a GP or a Drugs Counselling program 'with you', so that you know he is attending.

      3. Tell him that you will not risk your health by having sexual relations with him while he is addicted to drugs and so you want him to get tested for his sake and for your sake. In fact, you must get yourself tested too.

      4. If at any point you have even the slightest inkling that he will become violent with you, I will advise you get out straight away and seek refuge with a trusted family member or friend or call the police.

      ***

      Sister - you are in a difficult situation and you need to be mentally strong in yourself to be able to deal with this. Do not fall for his empty words. Remember words need to be backed by positive action. No-one deserves to have their dreams of a beautiful marriage destroyed like this. Try to get help if you can, but do not put yourself at risk in any way. I hope you have a family member or a friend whom you can confide in and take some support from. If you have already tried the steps I have suggested, or you do not feel that you can communicate this all to your husband, then it is time that you ask a trusted and respected elder to step in to give you a wall of strength. Do not be confused, what your husband is doing by taking drugs and going AWOL is not from Islam. No strong, healthy Muslim man does such things and you have every right to seek help and a better life inshaAllah.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor

  16. Saalam Brothers & Sisters. Yesterday after four years of marriage I finally found the courage and strength to walk away from my very sweet drug addict husband. Sweet when he wanted something but otherwise very selfish when he got help from me. They syphen all the love amd trust out of you until you are either dead or so sick you can not function. Their addiction is your help. Why will they stop all the time we stick by them. We can only continue praying for them but they have to be the ones who want to stop amd the only way is by taking that one step towards Allah. The pain of the Past four years has strengthened my relationship with Allah because no one can understand why I stayed with him suffering all this time. I just got back from Egypt and thought I was pregnant but in fact he had kindly given me an STD. So now I am just thanking Allah is wasn't HIV or AIDS. This is my sign one of the many over the years to get out. I read surah Al Noor yesterday and it helped in thinking about everything and it was as if Allah was speaking to my heart. I can't believe it I have not answered his calls since yesterday and that has never happened before. Allah doesn't want us to live a miserable life and with a drug addict it's a waste not only of the addicts life but also the woman or man who is trying to love and help them as well as anyone else who is using their resources too. Leave them and pray on it. You don't need to rush to divorce just rush to Allah in prayer becauae only he can change lives in a minute. Amen

  17. NazKhan Salam,

    I am so very happy to hear that you have finally worked up the courage to leave him. I just wanted to let you know that when you said "their addiction is your help" that was one of the most truest things I have ever heard. These poor people thrive on our help, its really the only way they survive and I'm so sad that some of them just do not want to help themselves.

    Take care of yourself Sister.

  18. I wish i read these comments a year ago. I want to share my story with u guys. im 23 year old single mom, about a year ago i got married to a guy who i thought would give my son and i the happines and stability we yearned for, instead he use to drink alcohol and occasionally take drugs, he became abusive and eventually it got so bad i had him arrested, he begged that we work through it so i gave him a chance and we started afresh, for the first few months it was perfect until he started drinking again and he used stress as the excuse. it just got worst day by day and it was affecting my son, i tried so hard to guide him on the straight path but he kept drinking and drugging and hurting me, i couldnt even cope at work. One day i decided i had enough when he drank himself into a stupor dragged me out of the house whilst i carried my son and started getting violent. I waited for him to leave and i quickly packed a bag and went to stay at a bed an breakfast. He kept phoning me and threatening me that if i dont come home he will burn all my stuff. I just ignored him and two days later i went to the police station and asked them to escourt me home to fetch some clothes coz i wasnt sure what state of mind he was in. We went home and he had hung himself in the bathroom shower. This had happened 2 weeks ago and today i am sitting here on my bed and writing to u guys coz no matter how much pain and misery he put through, i cant handle him not being here. Im trying to be strong but i cant cope and i dont know where to turn, i feel like my life is far worst without him in it. I cant help blaming myself, maybe i should have been there for him more but should haves and would haves wont bring him back. I really need some advice on a way forward for both my sake and my son

  19. Assalamualaikum,

    With regards to the question fron young girl from Somali, you remind me of myself when I found out that I was married to a drug addict very shortly after we got married. In fact he was caught and sent to jail a couple of months later. Back then I asked myself the same question whether or not I should leave him since we still didn't have any children. But here I am, five years later with a child and still married to him. And again he is now in jail for the second time for a longer period of time.

    And I find myself asking whether or not I should leave my husband for good. Hopefully by know you have moved on insyaAllah noting that the post was dated a long time ago.

    But I have question, how do I be sure that i will not regret divorcing him? It seems like too big of a step for especially that I have a 2 year old child with me. My husband is in jail and is hoping that I give him another chance and support him.
    I'm scared that I'll be trapped in the same situation as before if I give him another chance. Divorce sound really scary and I still cannot make my decision yet. I know that it is the safest and wisest choice for me and my son but why is it sooooo dfficult to just leave him once and for all. He is not forcing me to stay and also allow me to leave if that's what I really want. But I'm still stuck!!!!!!

    Please advise. Jazaakall khairan

  20. I am also going through what you are going through except I have been with my husband for 10 years and have six kids with him. It is so hard to be in the relationship because you think each year he gets better and begs to come back to me and the family he has nearly lost his life after cutting himself if I did not take him back and I take him back praying and hoping he stays sober only to find out he is not getting better he is just coming up with better ways to manipulate you and everyone around you. I feel if I continue to stay in this relationship that it will do more harm to my children in the future I'm scared that he will also use the children and make their life more miserable as he has already done. I do not want our children to feel sorry for him and fall into the cycle he has created. I love him so much and causes me great pain to leave him. I can not continue this life with him any longer he is like cancer eating away at your soul.

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