Christian woman kissed by married muslim man
Please help me figure this out. I have been friendly with a married,but seperated muslim man for a short time. By friendly, that's all I mean -we talk & usually its only a short chat.
We met for lunch and he had mentioned that he has asked for divorce in the past but due to his faith he has not persued it. He has said he would if he found the right woman to remarry. When parting, he leaned my way & kissed me square on - quite unexpectedly. I will admit that I am very attracted to him so it was actually quite pleasant.
I have since been doing lots of reading about islamic law & am now very confused about his intentions. In recollection it seems many of our chats were sharing background info & even tho I'm not muslim, I now see that most of my personal beliefs are quite similar.
As far as I know he is a practicing muslim. I did not realize dating, let alone kissing was forbidden so WHY did he kiss me? He left the country the next day so I am unable to ask him myself and this is making me crazy! Is this common for westernized muslims or not? I'm not sure if I should be offended or pleased. I am actually afraid that he may see me simply as a "booty call" of which I am not that type of person at all.
Your advice & opinions on this would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
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hey how are you? hope you are doing well. ok after reading i can understand your situation. i advise you from my point of view not too get too friendly, cos guys who are married are usually after one thing. so i suggest since he insist in divorceing his wife when he finds the right one, and i mean if you happen to be that person make sure you confirm that he really is divorced and has he got any children or expecting etc cos it will play a big role later.
one more thing i would like to say, dont let guys sweet talk you so they can get into your pants. anyway hope things work out.
peace.............
also forgot a married man kissing another woman? this shows hes a unfaithful type of person he is, and he could do th same when he is with you. you also said hes a practicing muslim? a practicing muslim will never touch nor look at another woman exept his wife. hes trying to deceive you, be careful.
peace....
The same thing happend to me last week ive seen my friend from high school after seven years been apart... and when he saw me he kissed me and gave me a big hug he was being so romantic and he gave this lovely looks bu guess what next day he said that i should forget everything cuz he is married and he cant keep doing this cuz his Religious....too bad i felt in love with him..=( but i know he feels something for me its just their Religious ....
u have to think about it really carefull..............cuz if he is married it is really complicated plus if he left ii dont know unless u convert to muslim or he accept u as a cristian his Religious will always b first....and again muslim guys or girls are not supps to date ......ever
Dear Jenn, thank you for writing to us with your query.
You seem to be a very intelligent young lady - and by the sounds of it somewhat more than your male friend.
There is no such thing as a 'Westernized Muslim', but there is such a thing as a 'Weak Muslim'. Your male friend's behaviour is reflective of someone who is weak in his faith as your research correctly showed kissing, hugging, hand holding, dating, intimacy be it physical or emotional is all forbidden in Islam between an unmarried man and woman.
Divorce is disliked in Islam, but it is by no means forbidden. If a married couple genuinely cannot remain together anymore - then then of course they can divorce. Islam is not a harsh religion.
Maybe this man is going through a hard time emotionally and is thus falling weak; but still he is accumulating sin if he continues in this behaviour. He is being unfaithful to his wife and unfair to you. He may even have feelings for you - but still it is not right for him to show them to you as you not his wife.
Unfortunately Jenn, you will have noticed that not all Muslims are a true representation of Islam, as is the same for all other religions too. But you observed correctly again - there are many similarities between Christianity and Islam.
I would recommend you to avoid socialising with this man outside of work and let him deal with his married life as he is obviously confused and also to prevent yourself from getting involved with a messy situation.
SisterZ
Sister, its never flattering to be kissed by a married man - no matter how much the feelings are reciprocated.Its very disrespectful actually for him to take liberties like that and put his face on your face.
I know when you fancy someone, it's hard to see the disrespect in these things - but it isa disrespect.
Respect is for him to be free and single and pursue you honourable.
Being Muslim and "practicing" doesn't stop anyone from being human - he is just the same as any other man on the inside only when the practicing guy breaks a rule - its a double bad sign because he's made promises to GOD and broken them - so....do I need to go on...?
Peace,
Leyla
Thank you for your responses. you have helped a great deal by saying much of what I had been contemplating already.
He & I have spoken several times since I have posted. I have aired my concerns & he seems quite respectful. He has insisted to me that his marriage is no longer a marriage & that I will see for myself when he returns. {I think of Ahmed's warning here tho}
I am also concerned that he may be just unhappy in his life as SisterZ says. Maybe he needs time to find his way.
I wish no disrepect on another's marriage but does a woman who lives separate from her husband really believe that he is not out prowling? Leyla -I can see you waving your finger at me as you type. lol
We have agreed to continue getting to know each other as friends. What do you think?
i think thats a good idea, get to know him slowly, dont rush into anything and i hope everythin works out 🙂
peace........................................
Ah! I completely disagree :0P
I really believe that when a man wants to do right by a woman he will change all the world to make it happen. Friendship is an unbrella word which shields us from our own wrongdoing - as there really is no friendship between male and female, and I do not accept that a man who is living away from his wife is "out prowling" - not a good man anyway.
Its not about being loyal to the woman and its not even about being loyal to the vow marriage - its about loyalty to morals and beliefs in spite of all circumstances- and a good man will never cheat on his morals.
I recall the story of Yusuf, who, single and faced with beautiful women said no, even though he found them attractive. He was loyal to his beliefs. A man who is not loyal to his beliefs dear sister, is not a trustworthy man.
The decision is of course yours - but I would advise that you stick firm to your own morals and make this man behave in the correct manner before you allow him licence to your valuable time. Better to find a man who is available and ready to offer you a righteous life, then waste time on a friendship with a man who by his own admission is otherwise engaged.
I have seen this scenario too many times, and I wince at the thought of yet another broken hearted woman dangling on the end of a promise that is never fulfilled.
But yet, love and lust are powerful things, and no doubt by the time you have reached this last sentence of mine, you have already found many excuses for him ;0)
Brilliantly well said Leyla - there are lessons in your words for us all maashaAllah.
x
Jenn...you've agreed to carry on getting to know each other as friends - obviously with a silent and unspoken view to having a relationship or marriage with him. But he's married - whether he is happy in his marriage or not, whether he is living with his wife or not is not the issue. He is married and he is committing a sin. And sorry to be blunt, but so are you - as I am very sure that the Christian religion would not agree with this type of a relationship either, regardless of whether there is any physical contact or not.
Would you advise your best friend or sister to 'get to know a man that she has feelings for' while he is married?
I think you know what is right and wrong, you are just allowing your emotions to take over your common sense.
christian men kiss muslim women muslim men kiss christian women and so on....christians sin jews sin hindus sin muslims sin if we didn sin then we wud b angels but we r human did u not know that? Well now u know.
Yes we all do sin but the difference between those who choose to commit sins "because they are human and not Angels" is different from those who stay away from sin but fall into it once in a while. If someone comes and kills a loved one but then says to you "I am only human therefore I sin" then you would want him to be in prison for the rest of his life. Killing a human being is a sin too.
It happens, people kiss other people, but a married man should not kiss another woman PERIOD, even if he is not Muslim. This is considered cheating to some people and believe it not good marriages have broken apart because of this. In Islam we are to prevent these situations because they cause pain for everyone. Being human is no excuse to go and hurt someone who is marriaged to you and it is no excuse to hurt someone who thought you like her by kissing her but in reality you don't have any intentions of marrying her or can't because of your family etc. I think people of all religions will agree with this.
Hello. thank you again for your very wise replies.
When I posted about being Christian, I simply wanted it clear that I was not familiar with Islamic teaching. It is obvious that we are human first & that everyone sins. I needed to know your thoughts,as a Muslim, because a person's character should be determined by their own religion,not by a different or opposing one. Nadheerah -different religions have different opinions or rules on what is considered a sin. Who is anyone to say what is right or wrong for a Muslim or Jew or Hindi or Catholic or Baptist based on their own religious or non-religious upbringing?
It is also interesting to note how men & women opinions differ on this.
Thank you all. Peace out.
Hi Jenn,
You are so completely right - a person's character should be determined by their own beliefs and religion, not by that of other people around them. But we're all human - we do get influenced. Having said that; the stronger we are the less likely we are to be influenced in a negative way.
You have an intelligent head on your shoulders my dear :O)
I do hope some of the advice helped you practically though.
X
being human we sin,religiously its a sin,character is your choice if you are good that is because you decide to be and vise versa,so dont blame the religion if the character is rotten thats all i meant to say.
Hello!
I have been talking with an Egyptian guy since 2 years ago, and I considere him a wonderfullman when i see he pledge to the principles of his religion (muslim) and offeres me a respectfull life, I am Christian, but even we have had plans and talk about marriage sometimes i dont see him committed even he persistently tells me about his commitment. I beleave in facts not just words, I think you need to make sure about his commitment. I am checking mine and his, I think i am more committed than him... if he shows commitment and is correct with his proposal, he will be a great husban for you. but take in consideration, a good husband needs a good wife and you have to be all your eyes for him.
.. if he is not trully committed there is no need to waste time with something that will not happen. that is my point and experience...if he is true with you go ahead you will feel it in your heart but be carefull.
if you dont feel it certainly in your heart and have a doubt... ummm think about
Good luck
and blessings!!!!
Ahhh i forgot, yes as someone said Our Religion is not agree with extramarital relationship, cheating is not allow, Christian Chatholic religion also does not accept divorce as if you respect God, you promess to be with that person for the rest of your life to love eachother to protect eachother be together in good and bads and wealth or poorness life no matter the circunstances. it is good to evaluate all points... but if he is divorse in other religion in the eyes of good he is still married.. even he is divorce for his religion.
and you will not be able to get married at the church as he has been married before.
if he would had never been married it will be different he will be free to be just for you and you for him.
out side of religions everithing is possible... but think also about it.
Blessing and the light of God guide your steps...
Take care
We have obvious attraction for each other as well as too-many-to-mention common interests. So far, we both feel we would make a great pair. Problem comes in that our pairing would include a previous wife -he would like to divorce but due to circumstances it would not be ideal just yet. So I humbly ask your advice again...
We have been "dating" and would like to become a couple. He is not comfortable meeting my friends as my boyfriend, nor will he have intercourse with me (I feel dejected but respect it.) He asked if I would consider marriage & explained it to me. He says this would not be the USA recocognized marriage that I know, but rather recognized through Islam which would allow us to be together. I would like him to meet my friends so I they can help me decide if he is right for me. I do not think it wise to tell them that he is married simply because a few of them have close-minded & perhaps prejudicial views. I will not lie about it, but I'd rather not mention it. My children like him. He has none. I care for him. I am falling in love with him. He is a good man. I can envision a future with him - but maybe I am just lovestruck? Am I a fool or could this work? My background does not give me experience with how to deal with this situation.
So HELP Please! I would so appreciate any advice on being 2nd wife, Islamic marriage, dealing with 1st wife, etc.
hey once again how are you? il be honest with you, i think you movin too fast. in islam a man can get married twice but he has to be able to treat both wives equally, so do you think hes capable of it? alot of guys say they can but thats jus lip service. il admit even im not able to treat 2wives equally. theres a few other sisters on here who are a 2nd wife and there life is a misery, i think you should read there situation and get a insight, cos marriage aint all about happy and joy.
you mentioned you been dating? hes married and hes dating? in islam thats not allowed also this shows how unfaithful he is, hes got a wife at home whom hes jus stringing along. imagine how she will feel when she finds out? someone will get hurt in this process but theres no need to play mind games. if he doesnt like his wife then he should jus divorce.
i thought he insist in divorceing his wife when he finds the right one so why the hesitation? is that all you mean to him? love has blinded you, you fallin in a trap. so i suggest you wait until he gets a divorce and then you be his one and only.
i dont know the type of person he is so i cant really say, but dont rush take your time.
peace...............
Hello Ahmed. How are you? Thank you for your reply.
I am taking his word about his wife living seperately & have no reason to doubt him. What he claims has so far proven true. He says his marriage is not savable after trying to reconcile it many times. He claims to have asked for divorce (rather than insist on it) to keep families in good standing with each other. He also claims that he feels obligated to honor his elderly parents request to try to make it work -even though he knows it cant. Honestly, I believe he is a very conflicted or confused man.
I believe I have failed to mention that we are not young, we are each in our late 40's & each of us are decently established financially. He fears losing retirement income & ability to support parents following a divorce. He also does not wish to leave his wife in poverty. These things seem like respectable traits. I do not wish harm on his wife. Their families are intertwined, no children but no relationship either.
I do not want to make excuses, I am seeking your opinions to help me work this out. I do appreciate your advisement. Thank you. I will listen to whatever you all tell me.
Dear. My Muslim husband traveled a lot. Found a nice lady(well a few....but told all the same story) said he was divorced. He lived at his moms. And was in love with them al. He even proposed to two of them. Made plans. Thought of babies names together.....all this. When the women were about to quit their jobs and buy a wedding dress......he mentions to them he has to get back with his ex wife for the kids sake...... He said he didn't want to but felt family pressure. (he was never divorced. I was home, loving him. Had no clue of the others......I thought he was traveling for work. I thought his phone locked cuss of business....lol I was a fool)
I found emails begging him from one lady who was so lost she tried to kill herself. He told her the only way for her to be with him was to get married and be his secret co wife in her country. He would travel to see her when he could. Lol she said no....lol but devistated he was gonna live with this monster wife he hated so much just cuss his family insisted on it. Lol
But he lied the whole time. I was his wife......i had no clue of his games.
U r a game for him. We were married 12 yrs. He had no intention of getting a divorce. He just wanted to play. He did have feelings for her he said. I guess he did want to marry her as a secret co wife. But its not treating her fair. And telling her he didn't love me isn't how to go about getting second wife.
All in all i left him. And guess what.........he isn't with them. So whats my point?
Don't fall for his words. He told u he oils divorce if he found the rite one. If ur the right one he will divorce her. But i smell a player....
hey jenn thx for the reply.
i have to admit he does seem confused. i totally understand he wants to honor his elderly parents request to try to make it work -even though he knows it cant, since hes in his late 40's im guessin hes been married for a long time right? if so theres a limit on how much he can put an act on to his parents cos in reality hes just fooling them in thinking everything is ok.
since he is decently established financially, im sure he can give some money to his wife to live on .
anyway as far as bein the 2nd wife, if you are willinging to share him and hes capable of treating you both equal then i dont see the problem.
one more thing i was gonna say is if you happen to marry him and you become the 2nd wife. whatever he does with you he has to do with his first wife, even tho he doesnt love her and he doesnt want to, he has to do it cos hes obliged to. if he loved his first wife then its understandable but thats not the case, so why would he put xtra burden upon himself?
also does his family know about you?
peace...............
Thank you Ahmed. Your reply has helped.
May God bestow blessings on you (& others) for taking the time to answer such difficult questions. This is a good site.
your welcome, hope everything works out for you......
peace..............
hello! Lucky for me to have found this website. I know someone with an open mind and soul out there would be able to help me with my questions in mind about living together with a muslim man. I am a christian woman smitten by a muslim man in his fortys, he is married with 4 children. He offered me a marriage and wanted me to be his 2nd wife. His wife found out about my number, she called me up and warned me to stay away from her husband.She is a christian converted into muslim. I told him about what his wife did, calmly he said he will tell me everything when we see each other. Then again she sent me bad messages, throwing vindictive words against me, harrassing and saying harsh words to me.She was that mad even if I and her husband does not have serious relationship yet. I am still in the process of weighing the pros and cons of the situation i will be entering, but honestly i am thinking of accepting his offer but i must be ready with everything.
He promised me that if i will accept him he will make everything to be fair to me.For in his heart he knows I could make him happy too. First time we met he said he feels that we knew each other for a long time, and he is happy because i was able to stand his moody attitude, and we always had a good time every time we are together, we are together not because we go on dating but because of some instances wherein i was able to help him in some professional manner like talking to some people that he easily gets pissed off, I was able to pacify him. Now with the manners his wife is showing me, i can feel that they are no longer happy and their relationship is not working out anymore, I remember she told me the first time she called me that their divorce is now in process, that better for me to wait for the decision to come out before i marry his husband. Honestly, she is provoking me to accept her husband's offer because of her bad manner to me, but still i am holding my great "yes" to the offer, i want myself to be openminded with everything before i decide. Pls help me, give me some advice, enlighten me with this situation, am i destroying a family?
Liz,
It seems to me that you are using this man's first wife's attitude to justify your illicit affair with a married man. She hurls abuse at you, so from this you are analysing that her marriage with her husband is not working out and is doomed.
How do you expect this woman to react?
You are having an affair with her husband (be it physical or emotional, its still an affair).
Quit making excuses to justify the decisions you are already 'wanting and desiring' to make.
SisterZ
Salams All,
I am sick of all these selfish, heartless people driven by lust. If someone is married then they should be avoided. Why can't these foolish women have the nerve to admonish these weak men with their wicked intentions instead of falling for their sweet talk!
Have people no shame? I would find it insulting to have another womans man fawning over me. Do these women not spare a thought for the poor women whose married to these cheating men? And don't they ever consider the likely possiblity of children being involved? Also would they expect loyalty frm such a man who is already attached to another, yet homing in on a strange woman?
They make out like it's some fairytale romance. It is a false emotion built on lies, deception and treachery.
Women really are responsible for encouraging these infidelities. That's why we are required to guard ourselvs with hijab and not attract males. Men are weak. A man is not going to bother a woman in a lustful way if she does not give out any signals. You can never be sure if someone is telling the truth and that's why people should keep themselves to themselves. That is why dating is not allowed.
to Troubled - now Hopeful: I am sorry. Your comments are not without merit & understandable considering your personal situation. It is easier to blame the "other woman" instead of where the blame belongs -within the failed marriage. If a man has bad character, there is little blame to be placed anywhere except with him & ourselves for believing he could be trusted.
hey we are muslims we are clean dont blame her for being clean and thinking clean islam does not teach us to allow married men to seduce us or vise versa it teaches us if a man is married stay away and if he is not married get married and if you dont want to stay away coz zina is forbidden
He who leaves his wife or husband for another commits adultry. The old testiment mentions it several times. I dont know you or how you lie your life but if you really are Christian you wouldnt have let it reach the limits you allowed it to. If your life hasnt truley been changed by God and that everytime you go to church you leave the same, that you havent grown as christian and you are the same as you were from like last year then maybe you should revise yourself. Calling yourself christian means you follow Gods words, You seek Him, you grow spiritualy. You sound more into the world and yourself, and when it comes down to it the plan you have for yourself sucks compared to the plan God has for you, for God only wants the best for you. Dont follow your emotions in this stituation, put follow your spirit. If I were you, I would end this relationship. Im sure God has a man out there thats ment to be with you. Ask God for direction, dont follow the lusts of the flesh, for you will not have true happiness from it. I dont speak to you in a from of being religious, I personally dont belive in religion. But maybe you should focus on building your relationship with God then with this left overs from the other woman.
Hello again 🙂
I have mostly continued my questions & comments with a new post, but I still want to comment here.
I do not see myself as "a homewrecker." His home has already been wrecked, so to speak.
I come from the viewpoint that this is a man seeking understanding, friendship, love & possibly a mate. I absolutely do have faith in God. I believe God is the Creator & can make anything happen. I believe God knows what is best for us & that he presents us with options & choices. We do not know which choice is correct for us, we can only pray and ask for guidance that we choose what he wishes. Sometimes the least obvious choice turns out to be the correct one in the end. If we do our best to follow his laws & guidance, then by faith we will be ok. God also has given us compassion & forgiveness but our ego often gets in the way: "How dare he /she do that to me?" instead of "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
For anyone with a difficult decision to make, praying works. It doesn't matter what religion you are. If your prayer is sincere & heartfelt, God will hear you & respond. I personally prayed for an answer during my own miserable marriage. Was my husband's increasingly abusive behavior a test of my faith & endurance or was it a sign that I should get out? For over 20 years I couldn't figure it out. I finally put all faith in God & asked for a direct sign to help me choose the answer that was right. I asked God to make it very clear & right in front of my eyes so there would be no doubt as to what I should do. Within a week, I was given a blatant sign -my ex-husband went into one of his tirades & for the first time ever, punched me in the face. That's not something I asked for, but it sure did get the message across! Although it was quite traumatic, I thanked God for the sign. And btw, divorce is allowed by Eastern Orthodox religions (I think only once tho).
So, my guy is still my friend. I do want to marry him, although I have not yet agreed formally. I still pray that he gets some type of resolution in his marriage, with either an understanding that she will be ok with him marrying again or that he be let out of his marriage contract, or even that he must tell me goodbye. Whatever God chooses for him, I will accept.
~Peace to All
~Jenn
jenn u r so not religious ur just one of those sinners who makes up their own rules and who does not follow the bibles rules
so many of you are very quick to pass judgement. maybe you should look at yourselves first. Muslim men are allowed to marry 4 wives. Who are you to question or disobey the word of God? Are you making your own rules or just being hipocritical? My sins are between me and God, not you. If you have no advice , please go vent somewhere else. Thank you to those of you who have shared your experiences or offered advice to me.
Yes, it is true that most muslim women can not digest the fact that muslim men are allowed to marry upto four wives. I think if you both have compatibility then you should get married but then again you need to sort out some problems before you do that.
Yes 4 wives is allowed in are religion and Allah (swt) gave us rights in are marriages and they include to be respected and dealt with fairly and that does not mean lieing and bring home god knowns what diseases from women who have such little self esteem that they fall prey to one lines like "ooohh my wife does not understand me like you do" if my husband was to say to me i want another wife then i would go look for her myself and find some one who was clean had respect for herself and would contribute to the family as a whole. i think i got carried away with the disease part sorry but you really ticked me off, if you want to cheat with a cheater then go ahead but leave are religion out of it.
This conversation is rather interesting and is almost starting to turn into a religious debate. However there is one common view point which is that it is wrong to commit adultry. Do you think God will only judge Jenn for the situation she is in? I highly doubt the loving God we all know would put blame solely on her and make her responsible for another person's actions. God is full of mercey, forgiveness and grace. He loves us all regardless of our actions. Is it right in God's eyes, to pass judgement on other people or is God's job?
Hi I am in a very similar situation only that my muslim friend is confused and wants to divorse his wife because she cheated on him. I have fallen in love with him and yes we have had the opportunity to kiss. For one whole year, I avoided him because I felt it was wrong to be attached to this man and you guessed it he is back. We saw each other a couple of week ago where we kissed and now I have not seen him since. We have spoken on the phone recently, but we have not seen each other. sometimes i feel like maybe he is using me, or i maybe using him. I dont know what to do. I feel that he has fallen in love with me, but just dont know how to handle this overwhelming power. I crave to have sex with him but know this is not allowed.
joanne, you should not be involved with him, and he should not be involved with you. He is a married man. If you want more advice on your situation, please log in and write your question as a separate post.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I agree with Brother Wael, you have a lot to lose in this situation and not just you.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
joanne,
please think before you act. He is doing the right thing. He was weak & is knows he needs to avoid you. My best advice to you is to stay away from him. He is married and just because he tells you that he WANTS to divorce, does not mean he will.
He has valid reason for divorce, it is the most hated of the lawful acts. So, if he is so unhappy in his marriage & feels betrayed, he has rights to seek divorce. But most men will not give up a sure thing for the unknown. Unless his wife initiates a seperation, he will most likely choose to remain married. You can become a second wife - but you need to marry before sex. He is only a man and if you pursue him & offer yourself "free of charge" he will most likely accept your offer. He will feel guilty, of course, and you will be the "Other woman". It's not a pleasant situation to be in. As it stands, if you are avoiding each other, how is it that you are feeling used?
Assalamu a'laikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh Dear sister nadheerah,Do not react too fast by blaming her and most importantly ur not giving her any advice=) God Bless....
An update on my situation...I still have long conversations with my friend and we work on projects together. He has asked me several times to marry him but I refused, based on the notion that he needs to work through his feelings with his estranged wife. Like you all say, if he really can't live with her, they should get divorced. Problem is their families are intertwined & it would mean divorcing an entire family. To note, they are all from the Mideast so their customs are very important. Parents and families have as much, if not more, to say about their marriage than they do, and his mother told him no to marrying again. So we stopped contact on several occasions. Plus I was having such a hard time trying to figure out if he was lying (being a player) or not.
Most recently, we stayed out of contact for a month. I tried to meet other people but I really had no interest. A situation came up where my kids needed his help and we began talking again, with the understanding we would never be a couple. We stayed distant. Then what seems like suddenly, his attitude changed immensely and he began to call more frequently and stop over (my children were present). I was quite confused, but he told me something happened that caused his mother to change her mind. She was staying with him while visting on vacation & has now given him her blessing to marry. With Ramadan approaching, I was prepared to stay away completely and not talk to him until September. But he brought up marriage again. This time, with his mother's blessing, I gave it serious thought & spent several days praying for an answer. In my less egotistical moments, I believe it will work out good. Other times, I am very frightened and don't want to feel used. I would like to meet his wife - but he doesn't want me to yet. Anyways, I have finally said yes. It will not be easy, but nothing ever is. I figured worse case scenario, we will divorce. He said he knows it won't be neccessary but if that's how I truly feel, he will not stand in the way. I asked about his apparent deception & not wanting it to be repeated. He said it took him 20 years to remarry so I shouldn't worry too much. He also said his wife knew he was intending to remarry for the past 8 years. When she finally realized that he was interested in someone (me) she was upset and told him she didn't care if he had a girlfriend, and just didn't want to be divorced. He feels that its morally wrong to have a girlfriend and more honorable and liked by God to have a wife. I agree.
I will keep you all informed. Thank you for your advice. If you have more, I appreciate your opinions. Even the negative ones.
I'd like to add, situations like this are extremely complicated and cause lots of misunderstandings. Do not even think about marrying unless you are willing to accept his current wife being in his life. He is not going to magically be divorced. Divorce is a treacherous road. He has had a life with this other person long before you came along, so they have to work out their differences. If he has been lying to you, you may find they have a loving relationship and you may be alone several days per week. If you can't handle that fact, stay away from him until he is free, which may be never. So move on.
You really need to speak to his mother or his friends wife's then you will find out the truth, its true in mideast familys it is like 2 familys marry but what does not ring true to me is he's been married for 20 years with NO CHILDREN and his mother did not want him to marry again, that does not sound true to me even if he had a problem and could not have kids his mother would be the first to get him married again, so iam thinking this guys got a bunch of kids or has been married a few times, you need to speak to someone from his community find out what mosque he prays at and ask the imam tell him this guy wants to marry me can you plz find out his history for me ,.
No, he does not have children Zenaa - it is the truth, which is a personal issue & the cause of his pain.
I am now sad to report that he finally contacted me a few days after Eid to tell me that he decided he is too strict for me & can't pursue our marriage. After he pressured me & his mother & I finally said yes, I just don't get it. He said he loves me so much but our cultural differences are too much for him to handle. I was willing to work things out & find compromises for our differences until I would be ready to convert, but he was not willing to wait. He got upset because I told him I was going to a girlfriends house to swim (in a completely private yard with no one else home but her and her daughter & her daughter is a Muslima) and he texted me that he didn't like it. I answered that we would have many issues like this come up & that I'd like to talk to him in person about it & how we plan on handling it. He did not speak to me for 3 days, then when he finally said he'd come talk, he postponed it saying he was too busy. That night he got into a car accident -while doing a favor for someone else. He is not willing to help me at all - just concerned about his own feelings and what I suppose is his fear of change. Irregardless of what anyone here may think, he IS a good man- just very confused and tortured. I let him know I understand & respect his decision, but I am incredibly sad & disheartened that he judged me so harshly & had so little faith in me. Now we are both in pain for our loss. I wish him nothing but the best & hope he finds what he needs in life.
I would also like to ask you Muslimas to please not judge non-Muslimas so harshly. Not all of us are unGodly treacherous people. We simply follow the religions of our parents, same as you do. And we all know that some of us are better at following God's word than others. Please be sympathetic, not judgmental, and share your faith & knowledge of Islam through compassion & kindness.
Thank you all for your interest & comments.
Peace to you all.
~Jenn :'(
I dont know anywhere in christianity that it allows a woman to "date" or be friendly with the hopes of marriage to an already married man, regardless if he is seperated or not.. he is still married.. period!
Also what if you were his wife.. put yourself in her shoes.. What would you think of your husband if he is off cavorting with more women.. Feel for her please..
Dont be the other woman in her life..
Also if he did this to his first wife, he will do it to you.. once he gets tired of you or sees another opportunity.. .. ask yourself do you feel content seeing a known rover? a man that is cheating on his wife.. are you happy dating this type of man
hello .. i have been reading Jenn's story with great interest and concern for her as i find myself in a simliar situation . i met a beautiful muslim man on a dating site we have been communicating for 18 months , he was honest with me told me that he is married but seperated and dosent love his wife , he says he loves me , he is very respectful and writes the most beautiful words to me . i feel that i love him as well but i know in my heart and soul it isn not right he is not free if his wife has even slight feelings of love for him i do not want to make her unhappy / but i love this man , it is so hard i was planing to go to his country to visit him , he wants me to meet his wife and family .. but i know it is not right but i still want to do so , we live in different counries .. i dont know what to do , well that is not true , i do know right from wrong but it is hard .