I want to get married but my father isn’t helping
Assalamualaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatahu...
I am a Muslim girl... 25 yrs... and i wanna get married...
I have also shared my thoughts with my parents though it's not good to talk directly about marriage...but the problem is my father he isnt doing anything for me...
Alhamdulillah I pray to Allah subhana Wa talah for a good husband but my duty is just to pray.. I can't search a suitable match for myself that's not allowed for a Muslim girl?
I need your prayers please pray for me for Allah sake and advice me what should I do???.. I am upset with my father, but I feel I am not doing right by getting upset with my father... i had convinced myself not to get upset with dad but he doesnt understand me my state and Marrying that's my right..
advice me !!!!:(((((((...it hurts me every now then...waiting for reply.. JazakAAllah hu khair... fiamanillah.. Allahhafiz.. pray for me..
- deen_islam
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ASSALAMALAIKUM THIS IS NOTHING WHAT U R DOING-I am upset with my father, but I feel I am not doing right by getting upset with my father..
Three things you should not delay
It is reported that Al-Ahnaf b. Qays – Allâh have mercy on him – said:
“Restraint is praiseworthy except in three things.” People asked, “And
what are they o Abû Bahr?” He replied, “Make haste to do the righteous
deed, hurry to conduct the funeral of your deceased, and marry the
girl in your charge to a suitable man [as soon as you find him.]”
Abû Bakr Al-Daynûrî, Al-Mujâlasah wa Jawâhir Al-’Ilm 6:307
YOU ARE UPSET IS NOT SUFFICIENT YOU MUST CALL YOUR ELDERLY REALTIVES AND MAKE HIM DO THE DUTY WHICH ALLAH HAS ORDERED FOR HIM TO DO PERFORMING YOUR MARRIAGE HE IS TRYING TO DEFY ALLAH AND THE SYSTEM OF NABI SALAHAUALAHAIWASLAM-
It is reported that ‘Abdullâh b. Mas’ûd – Allâh be pleased with him – said:
If I had ten days left to live, and I knew I would die by the end of them, and I had enough time to get married, I would get married for fear of temptation (fitnah).
Sa’îd b. Mansûr, Al-Sunan article 493.
You better get Married
It is reported that Tâwûs – Allâh have mercy on him – said, “The worship and devoutness of a young person is not complete until he marries.”
Ibrâhîm b. Maysurah reports that Tâwûs said to him, “You better get married or I will say to you what ‘Umar b. Al-Khattâb said to Abû Al-Zawâ`id: ‘Nothing but incapability or sinfulness is preventing you from getting married!’”
Al-Dhahabî, Siyar A’lâm Al-Nubalâ`, in his biography of Tâwûs.
Tâwûs b. Kaysân was a great scholar and ascetic. He was the most renowned scholar of Yemen during his time. He is regarded as one of the senior companions and students of Ibn ‘Abbâs, and reports narrations from a number of other Companions.
No Bachelorhood in Islâm
Imâm Ahmad – Allâh have mercy in him – said:
{Voluntary] bachelorhood has nothing to do with Islâm. The Prophet – Allâh’s peace and blessings be upon him – married fourteen women, and he died being married to nine of them. If Bishr b. Al-Hârith had married, his affairs would be complete. If people left marrying no one would go to battle or go on pilgrimage (Al-Hajj), and such-and-such wouldn’t happen.
He went on to say:
The Prophet – Allâh’s peace and blessings be upon him – would wake in the morning and his family would have nothing to eat and go to bed at night and they would have nothing to eat, [yet] he died married to nine wives, he chose marriage and encouraged others to marry.
Abû Bakr Al-Marrûdhî, Kitâb Al-Wara’ p116, 117.
Salaams,
I have to admit, your question is a little bit different from many I'm used to seeing. Usually the parents are trying to talk their daughters OUT of wanting to marry, asking them to wait longer. Either that, or they are already busy trying to marry their children off, when the child themselves is not ready for this. Have you any siblings who have been married? How did they end up working it out?
What exactly happens when you try to talk to your parents about marriage? What are the concerns that are driving their hesitation? Maybe your father feels overwhelmed with the task of helping you find a husband, and doesn't know where to start. Have you tried talking to your mom privately, to see if she's more supportive of your goals? Maybe if she is, she can talk to your father (in that special way wives can pep-talk their husbands into doing something they are reluctant about) and start things going.
If your parents really are in a place where they can't or won't support you in your right to find a mate, and complete half your deen, then it may be that you need to approach someone else outside the immediate family like an imam or trusted uncle, maybe even a grandfather. Ideally this person would come back to your parents and try to help convince them to act on your interests, but if all else fails they may be able to step into the role that your parents are neglecting.
I hope insha'Allah that you will be able to resolve this impass with honest communication and patience. They say the best things come to those who wait, so let's hope this certainly bears out to be true for you as well.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
It is mustahabb to hasten to get married for the one who is able for it, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And marry those among you who are single (i.e. a man who has no wife and the woman who has no husband) and (also marry) the Saalihoon (pious, fit and capable ones) of your (male) slaves and maid‑servants (female slaves)”
[al-Noor 24:32]
Ibn Katheer(may Allaah have mercy on him) said, commenting on this verse: This is a command to marry off those who need to get married. A number of scholars are of the view that it is obligatory for everyone who is able for it, and they quoted as evidence the apparent meaning of the words of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “O young men, whoever among you can afford to get married, then let him do so, for it is more effective in lowering the gaze and guarding chastity. And whoever is not able to do that, then let him fast, for that will be a shield for him.” Narrated in al-Saheehayn from the hadeeth of Ibn Mas’ood.
In is narrated in al-Sunan via more than one isnaad that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Marry and produce offspring for I will be proud of your numbers on the Day of Resurrection.”
Ayyim (translated here as “single”) refers to the woman who has no husband or the man who has no wife, whether they were married then separated or were never married. End quote.
you should tell your father clearly of your wish to get married, and the father should understand the importance of that, and he should help you to get married. Many of the fuqaha’ are of the view that that is obligatory if she is able for it.
Ibn Qudaamah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Our companions said: The father must keep his son chaste if he is obliged to spend on him and if he needs to be kept chaste. This is the view of some of the companions of al-Shaafa’i. End quote from al-Mughni (8/172).
Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: A person’s need to get married is urgent, and in some cases it may be like his need for food and drink. Hence the scholars said: It is obligatory for the one who has to spend on a person to arrange his marriage if she or he can afford to get married, so it is obligatory for fathers to arrange the marriages of their children if the sons or daughter needs to get married but cannot afford to do so. But I heard that some fathers who forget how they were when they were young, when the sons ask them to arrange their marriage, they say: Get married at your own expense. This is not permissible and it is haraam if he able to arrange his marriage. His children will dispute with him on the Day of Resurrection if he does not arrange his marriage when he is able to do so. End quote from Majmoo’ Fataawa Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (18/410).
A widespread mistake is when the father refuses to listen to his children concerning this matter, and ignores the children need. He or she need for marriage may be urgent, and as a result of delaying marriage he or she may fall into some kind of deviation. It is well known that people vary with regard to this need and their level of self-control in this matter. The father may be sinning by preventing his children from getting married if he needs that, as stated above.
Some fathers give precedence to study and work over marriage in all cases, and they never consider arranging their son’s marriage before that. This is also wrong. Rather they should study the matter and weigh up the pros and cons. They should find out how much their children needs to get married, and how able he is to combine marriage and study, and which should be given priority if it is not possible to do both. Protecting one’s religious commitment is important, and takes precedence over protecting one’s physical health and wealth, so naturally it takes precedence over studying.
Then you should excuse your father and strive to convince him, and explain to him the extent of your need for marriage and how able you is to take care of your married life after that.
May allah bless you and We ask Allaah to guide you. And Allaah knows best.