I lied and now he doesn’t trust me
Suspicious thoughts can become chronic and difficult to reason with.
Salam, recently my fiance and I broke up. The reason was that he said he couldn't trust me. I'm an American and I think he has incorporated his views of the west into his opinion of me.
The events that led up to him not trusting me did involve me not telling him the truth about some things. Because I lied to him in the past, for example I was in my car at night and not in my house with my parents where I said I was because I wanted to talk in private. And I told him I had kissed someone before and I hadn't; so now he doesnt believe I'm a virgin, he doesnt believe I never had any sexual relationships etc.
I have begged him for another chance. I am repenting and asking for forgiveness from Allah from the mistake of lying to him at all in the first place but now he thinks all this bad stuff about me that isn't true and I dont know what to do.
I am 26 and I waited my whole life for him, I really do not lie in my life, and I am a good girl. I never loved or wanted anyone until I met him and I KNOW I will never want anyone else.
He called me a liar and said that even maybe I had a surgery to make me a virgin again!! I am so hurt by his new thought of me, and I feel like I am suffocating without him, I know I brought this on myself but I still love him and I always will and I dont know what to do if theres no way he will give me another chance to show him I am trustworthy.
How do I handle this frustration and sadness? Will Allah show him how much I love him? Thank you
- Sara1984
11 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Dear Sara,
I am an American Christian girl. I am sorry to hear about your following experience here is what I have to say:
First the important thing is that you recognized you made a mistake.
By recognizing you made a mistake you can learn from that.
Next, you already apologized- so if he doesn't forgive you, trust you, or want you back- leave this matter in God's hand (Allah's).
Also realize that there might be someone else that was created for you.
If you lied in the first place REFLECT on why did you lie? Was it to impress him or make him like you more? By lying you were creating a False girl whom he liked. He liked you with those lies BUT NOW that he knows the truth you change too.
"If there is no trust there is no Love"
You should wait for Allah to bring you someone.
Next time let a guy Love you for you with No lies.
DON'T get focused on the idea of "I will be an Old Maid"
You will marry at the right time. Be Patient and Trust in Allah
I too Will Pray for you.
sis ur not the only girl who is facing such a problem. there is no way to change ones mind.
have patience en ask Allah(s) to make it eazy for u.
I seem to be the contrarian lately. Sara, it sounds to me like your boyfriend has a suspicious and mistrusting personality. The things you've described as "lies" sound very small. Instead of being in your parents house you were outside in the car so you could speak privately, and that's a lie? That means your boyfriend thinks you are cheating on him or lying about your whereabouts. And just because you kissed someone, why should that mean you are not a virgin?
I understand you love this man but I don't think he is good for you. He sounds very controlling and suspicious and whenever a man is like this, I have to wonder if physical violence is not far behind.
Even if you were to convince him you're telling the truth, it won't be long before he accuses you of lying again and cuts you off.
I just don't think there's a future in it. Let someone else have this jealous and mistrustful man and count yourself lucky. I know this isn't what you want to hear. You are determined to blame yourself, and I think by doing so you are feeding into this unhealthy dynamic between the two of you, where he is supposedly superior and honest, and you are inferior and dishonest. It's a false dynamic and it will only lead to trouble.
It may seem to you that you will never want or love anyone else, but that's just the intensity of the moment speaking. In time I assure you that you will get over him and meet someone else who you will have feelings for.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I am very disappointed with your behaviour. Why did you lie sara1984? Everyone makes mistakes but you had a good thing and you never appreciated how lucky you was. Instead you made up stories that came back at you and you ruined your own reputation (izaat). I am sorry sister even if I was a bloke I would believe you and not look back twice. It is good that you realise your mistake but what you said has BIG consequences for women in ISLAM and it is a big deal. I think you should move on learn from this mistake and inshallah you will find someone else. Because there’s no trust and he’s already accused you then the marriage wont work because it will fall back onto this incident and this is very sad.
Sister,
Please remember that when we counsel our fellow Muslims, we need to show compassion. We serve a compassionate God. Even you said that "everyone makes mistakes," so please have kind words for our sister. She is obviously hurting.
my words were kind Amina i didnt say anything nasty to reply posted!
May Allah (swt) and you also forgive me for my misinterpretation, then. I do apologize.
Sister,
I am so sorry to hear about this. I am in the same boat right now with my husband. The other night I was not feeling well and did not want to talk about it. My husband kept asking me what was wrong, and I told nim "Nothing is wrong! By Allah (swt)!! A few minutes later, I broke down crying and my husband was upset because I lied to him. Now I spend every moment racked with guilt and waiting for him to say "Talaaq, Talaaq, Talaaq!" I would feel better if he did, because at least then some justic would be served.
Sister, give this to Allah (swt), and from now on, let every word that leaves your lips be truthful, no matter how much it may hurt the other person. This way, your are right with Allah (swt) and you will still have your self respect. As you can see, there are so many differing opinions on this, so pray to find the one that fits you best.
Ma'a Salaama,
Amina
I've learned the hard way, when a woman says she does not want to talk about something, give her a little space and time before asking again. All husbands should learn this lesson. It seems to be Amina that you're being way too hard on yourself. You think you deserve to be divorced because you didn't feel like talking? I don't agree. That's a very small thing, not something to punish yourself over.
It sounds like you might be suffering from depression. It might help you to find a good therapist and talk to her once a week or so. It would give you a chance to share the feelings and thoughts that you are not comfortable sharing with your husband.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear Amina
Having that thought in your mind Talaaq, Talaaq, Talaaq is not good either. If your husband understands you want to be left alone then that’s even better to be left alone then to think negative. Do you realise how lucky you are to be married there's so many sisters out there who are not married and wouldn’t even think twice of being divorced over something ridiculous. You are being too hard on yourself and analysing things too much maybe you should think of reading special dua’s to give you strength inshallah you will find happiness. Maybe you should communicate with your husband rather than bottling things up sometimes when a heart is shared with your love ones it helps to heal the pain or anxiety we feel.
w/salaams
I thank both of you for your suggestions. I think I need to post my own issue here instead of taking away from this Sisters time. May Allah (swt) bless her with a good husband.