His family rejected me as I am not Arab, how can I make them love me?
ASA brothers and sisters!
Please HELP ME!!
Three years ago in college I met an amazing guy, who was oh so kind to everyone! He was always happy and more than willing to help others...There was something about him...IDK what it was but made him special, it made him stand out of the crowd. (Today I realize that all the kindness and good feelings he has, must be because he is muslim).
Last year (on May 30th 2010) he asked me to be his girlfriend, at that time I was not practicing islam and was not aware of certain rules. But he was!! I agreed to date him and very shortly fell in love with him! I had NEVER in my 22 years of life felt something so strong for anyone,but him! Shortly after, I became interested in islam and began to practice.
He asked me to marry him last Ramadan! I said yes!! Shortly after, he talked to his family and they said NO. Because I am not arab!I tried so hard to make his family like me... I even began to take arabic classes, but that was not good enough. His family (most of his family, at least the ones that oppsed to us) dont even know me, and they are judging me based on ideas they have about "western girls"! Its not fair.
I felt heart broken! His family is working on getting him married! He is trying not to... After pulling and tugging, his family won the first battle, because we broke up on Jan of this year.
On May 29th, a day before our 1 yr anniversary he asked me to marry him (but for now nobody should know, i found it weird but if thats what it takes, i dont care)...again!And wants to have babies with me... I am so happy and I sooo want to believe him, but Im very scared I will get my heart broken one more time! What can I do? What can I do to make his family love me? I dont want him to chose between his family or me... Why cant they accept me???
**After writing this blog, I asked him not to txt, or call me unless he is willing to formalize our relationship by getting officially engaged. He asked for time, which i know means he will not formalize anything! I feel so bad, as i trusted him. should i let him back in my life in the case that he does want to formalize?**
PLEASE HELP... THANK YOU!!!
May Allah Bless you!!
ASA brothers and sister!
I have another very brief question... If a person is married to a non-muslim for reasons other than love and are not living together, nor do they have any contact of whatsoever.
But after a while finds a good muslim who takes the relationship serious, can they get married islamically even though the other person is still legally married?
Can they marry without a marriage liscense?
Thanks
AMIRA
12 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Salaamu alaikum sister.
I am sorry for what you have been through. His familys reasons to reject you are pretty ridicolous and completely against Islam! Saying that my dear sister, it is not possible to make them love you. We only can control ourselves and not others. I am not sure if you are still in contact with this brother or where you stand, but if so I advise you strongly to back off. I don't think you should let him back into your life if nothing is formalised. By formalised I mean him getting his parents to agree.
If you are still in contact - send him one message to ask him not to contact you unless its formalised and he gets his parents to agree. If they agree InshaAllah then they can come over and ask for your hand officially. This is the best way. Maybe advise him to speak to an Imaam or a trusted religious family member for support.
After you have done this, do not contact him - and ask him not to contact you.
It will be very hard to forget him, but the truth is if he is good for you, then Allah swt will bring you together as husband and wife. Spend time in worship, work to get close to Allah swt. Make tawbah, as dating is a sin my dear sister. Just engage in zikr and keep busy. Do not make dua for Allah to give you this guy - make dua for Allah to give you THE BEST SPOUSE for you, and to remove the love for this guy if this guy is not the best one. Trust in Allah as He knows best.
What concerns me my dear sister is that if you keep letting him come close to you - you open up wounds. Wth time these wounds heal InshaAllah - but how long will it take if you keep doing this. Its like a continous merry go round. As Muslims we are generally so concerned about protecting our chastity, but we forget sometimes to protect our heart. Please protect your heart too. There is nothing wrong with wanting to marry him, but you have every right to ask for things to be carried out officially.
And think about it, if his family are rejecting you now, would you really want to be a part of their family? Love fades over time - it changes, whichis why so many promises are made between couples in love, but so few can be adhered to. Sometimes its feelings talking rather than common-sense. Do istikhaarah as well - there are some links at top of page on this.
In answer to your second question - Please clarify. I assume you mean if someone is married to a non-muslim by english/US law rather than by a nikah? This is a fiqh issue, which we cannot really advise. Although I think I may know, I am reluctant to advise on this matter. Sorry. If another editor/reader can shed some light, will be good InshaAllah
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
ASA Sister and Brother Wael!
Thank you so much for taking time to read my post and responding! Allhamdullilah I have been very strong and I am not txt or calling him, he has txt on several occasions, and just yesterday asked me if he could come over. I asked what for and he said to see me and talk to me. I told him i was not home, he then said he would come back tomorrow. I dont know if when he calls , should i tell him to come and tell him unless we are engaged no nothing like i did before, or just ignore him! At the same time I dont want him to think I dont want anything to do with him. I just want to do what is right for me even, if this means losing him. That will break my heart!
And as for asking him to talk to an imaam...I have done that on many occassions. I have many well respected Muslims from the community who are more than willing to talk to his family, but he says: "Not now.. or maybe later insha' Allah, or i will talk to my family before you ask these people to come..."
Regarding istikhaarah i did it once...but i need help interpreting what i felt...CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME?
As I began to pray i got a feeling of crying and i cried and cried throughout the prayer. After I finished i felt a great sense of "peace" and felt 50 pounds lighter. About a week later, we stopped talking. But several months later (which is now) he is back in my life. What should i do, what does this mean? At first he is in my life then he leaves and now he is back...What do i do?? 🙁
Thanks
AMIRA
Salaam sister.
You must feel confused after how he changed - that's understandable. But he really should not be contacting you if he knows you don't have a future. Be strong sister, the longer you keep him in your life, trust me the worst it will feel when it has to end. So I advise you to take the steps sooner. He is obviously not good for you my dear sister. Remember there are things we do not know - maybe few years if you'd have married him you would be deeply unhappy. Allah knows best.
But I echo what brother Wael said:
"There is no reason for you to meet with him. This man is just playing games with you. His intentions toward you are not honorable. Your istikhara was very clear. You ended your relationship with him and you felt a sense of peace. You say now he is back in your life. But he can only be back in your life unless you let him."
DONT feel guilty about keeping him out of your life. He knows the conditions he needs to fulfil to get back into your life. Get his family to agree and ask for your hand. He will probably make it hard for you - by sweet words etc. Be strong and stick to your guns. We sisters need to learn to trust ourselves more.
I pray Allah swt makes you strong through this trial
Ameen
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
ASA Sister Sara & Brother Wael!
Again...Thank you! It is very hard and just when i feel i cant handle it anymore and im about to call or txt him i read/remember these words you two have wrote and it makes me stronger!! Thank you very much!! I hope I can stay firm on my decision!! Inshallah I will... 🙁
AMIRA
There is no reason for you to meet with him. This man is just playing games with you. His intentions toward you are not honorable. Your istikhara was very clear. You ended your relationship with him and you felt a sense of peace. You say now he is back in your life. But he can only be back in your life unless you let him.
I will just copy what sister Sara has already said:
"If you are still in contact - send him one message to ask him not to contact you unless its formalised and he gets his parents to agree. If they agree InshaAllah then they can come over and ask for your hand officially. This is the best way. Maybe advise him to speak to an Imaam or a trusted religious family member for support.
After you have done this, do not contact him - and ask him not to contact you."
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Amira, As-salamu alaykum,
Sara has already given you good advice and I agree with everything she said. You did absolutely the right thing by telling him not to contact you unless he wants to formalize the relationship through engagement, and engagement should mean an open engagement with his family present, not a secret affair.
You have already taken the right steps, so there's not much for me to tell you. I second what Sara said, that you cannot make his family accept you. It's impossible to make anyone like, love, or accept us.
As for your last question, some may tell you that a marriage of a Muslim woman to a non-Muslim man is invalid and there is no need for divorce. Actually, I do not know the fiqh on this matter, but I can tell you that as a matter of human decency and a matter of law, you should secure a divorce before trying to marry anyone else.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I have a question...Is'nt it against Islam to judge someone without even knowing them? Would it be Islamically wrong for him to go against his family? Eventhough it tell us in the Quran that we must obey our parents. Is this case an exception?
Thanks!
AMIRA
BROTHERS AND SISTERS!
**CAN I PLEASE HAVE MORE OF YOU COMMENT ON MY PROBLEM** PLEASE!!! I NEED AS MUCH ADVICE AS I CAN...
THANK YOU IN ADVANCE
AMIRA
Assalm O Alaikum sister Amira,
Yes, it definitely is wrong to judge someone without knowing their circumstances and we should avoid this. As far as your question; Would it be wrong for him to go against his family? In terms of marriage no sister; a man doesn't need permission from his parents even Holy Prophet (PBUH) advised us to not to marry Muslim woman against their wishes. Allah (swt) has mentioned in Quran that not to give girl in marriage without her consent(so even Muslim woman are given choice let alone Muslim men). What we see this day and age is culture. On the other hand; we are advised to be nice toward our parents; to be patient. It is always nice for a man to have his parent's approval because after all the girl would also like to be welcomed in the extended family rather than treated as an outcast.
You are right in saying that; we should obey our parents as they have rights on us but Islam doesn't say that let go of your rights which Allah (swt) has given as sons and daughters when it comes to most important matter of marriage. One thing is for sure that; any parents regardless of their religion want the best for their children but their choice and judgement could be wrong as well. Same goes for the boy or girl who want to marry the spouse of their choice. Their is no guarantee that the person chosen by parents or by children themselves for marriage will be a suitable match. Only Allah (swt) knows; that's why it's advised to perform salat-ul-istakhara and have trust in Allah (swt).
I hope this helped Insha Allah sister and be strong and hang in their. You are doing the right thing, you deserve the best and treated with respect by being accepted in the family.
May Allah (swt) have his mercy upon all of us who are going through their personal struggles. (Amin)
Wasalam,
Your brother in Islam,
Muhammad1982.
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
Thank you brother Muhammad! It is just very hard at times, just waiting. To see when he will make up his mind. I told him before I dont mind waiting but I think that if I am going to wait, it should be worth the wait. Im going on six month now, and still nothing. I mean, how much more time does a guy need?!!
AMIRA
Salams Sister Amira,
Sorry for late response as I was bit busy at work. I would like to say that sister, why do you give him this impression that you are waiting for him in turn he thinks that you will keep on waiting wasting your life for someone who doesn't have backbone. Sorry, I might come as harsh but this is reality; you are limiting your chances of getting married and living a happy life with someone who will love you and respect you. How about a little push sister? 6 months is long time just to speak to one's parents; I surely don't know if their is any progress or not of any kind? but your posts tells me that there isn't. Do you see your life with same person even if you get married to him; if he can't stand for you now then what about rest of the life. Surely, their will be moments, he will have to defend his choice. What is he going to say?
Sister, give him ultimatum like; YOU HAVE ............. TIME TO SORT OUT THIS ISSUE WITH YOUR FAMILY. IF YOU COULDN'T THEN I AM WALKING AWAY AS I ALSO DESERVE TO LIVE A HAPPY LIFE WITH SOMEONE AFTER GETTING MARRIED AND TO HAVE A FAMILY OF MY OWN.
Sister, you already know that your relationship wasn't halal so you should ask for repentance day and night; don't ask Allah (swt) for him but ask for whatever is good for you in this world and hereafter. I hope all this makes sense and don't give him more than a month of 2; don't spoil him by putting your life on line. You are young sister and you will have many suitors Insha Allah, just keep your options open and look out for other pious/practising brothers out their by attending events, signing-up to matrimonial services, by word of mouth, networking and socialising with right sisters.
I hope this helped and keep writing if you need further help.
May Allah (swt) bless you with the best of both worlds; increase your knowledge and wisdom. (Amin)
Wasalam,
Your brother in Islam,
Muhammad1982.
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
ASA brother!
Thank you for your reply...I give him the impression that i am waiting for him because i am 🙁 and i told him this. I would wait until my last breath... Becuase I love him. I dont want anyone else... i want him. I dont want the best, I want him. I know i may sound childish, but this is real love.
Brother I want to disconnect my phone at times so I dont wait for his call/txts... but then i get the " what if he calls?" "what if he wants me back"... i kinda dont want to give him an ultimatum becuase he might then say :" I cant be with you" ... i sound so pathetic i know. But knowing that he MIGHT stand up gives me hope and I can go another day... Another day living dead!!
Brother Im so sad!! I dont understand why this is happening to me. Why if we cant be together did i meet him. My soul hurts, my heart gets weaker and weaker after each beat. I cant stand one more second withouth hearing from him!!
AMIRA 🙁