I feel like I want (or need) to get married…
Question:
Asalamu 'alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
My question may seem a little too common but I hope it is given attention. I am a sister of 17 years and will be 18 inshaa Allah in a few months. Nevertheless, since about a year ago I have expressed an internal desire to get married. I don't know the exact nature as to how this arose, but I know that I want a pious companion in life and I know that I need to become independant.. In my house, I see that I am restricted at times (and very, very dependant) and thus comes this desire to expand my horizons and fulfill more of the prophetic sunnah, inshaa Allah.
That is just a core introduction, but there are other reasons why I want to get married...and why there are problems in doing so. My maternal feelings woke up when I was about 13 due to an emotional dream I had about my "son". From then on, other incidents started to form my emotional self. Another very dangerous thing was (and I think still is) my sexual desires. I am sincerely embarassed to mention what exactly happens, but they are very bad and sometimes I cannot control them. Only Allah knows if it serious enough, but I feel that, even at this age that I am crossing some limits.
The problems in marrying, no matter what I have said, is that I would have to study as well and postpone having a family. I am actually in favour of this though as it would enable me to go far to study both for deen and dunya. There is also the problem that I am the only daughter of my family- I feel that my mother might need me, but I am still the eldest so technically one day inshaa Allah this is bound to happen.
I get really worried when I have those desires and then I conclude that I need to get married. Then sometimes, I say this cannot happen, because I know my parents want me to study first and my mother has said that. Also, roaming around the internet I see many different views on getting married early. Personally, however, I do know a sister who got married at 18 and is inshaa Allah living a nice married life.
What is the best advice that can be offered?
- Salikah
Sister Z's Answer:
Walaikumsalaam Warahmatuallahi Wabarakatuh,
Sister Salikah, I think it is highly commendable that having been brought up in today's society, you are intelligent enough to be thinking so seriously of marriage at such a young age - or rather at an age that is considered to be 'too young' to get married. Unfortunately, many youngsters resort to haraam relationships as emotion overtakes logic and deen takes a back seat, but Alhumdulillah you appear to be aware of your feelings in an Islamic context.
Islam promotes marrying at a young age, because being in a healthy marriage provides us with the protection, support and companionship we all need and want - these are natural and basic human desires.
If you sounded like a love sick immature teenager, I would have recommended that you focus on your deen and strengthen your character before thinking of marriage. But from the nature of your post, you seem to be inclined towards deen already. The maternal and sexual feelings you are having are not abnormal and there is nothing wrong with considering marriage. Having said this, its not healthy if these feelings are overtaking your thoughts extensively.
If you want to consider marriage in a balanced and calculated manner, you need to make sure that your maternal/sexual desires are not the only driving force. You want to make sure that your husband is pious, of good character and will be happy for you to study and develop yourself. If your husband is supportive, there is no reason why you cannot pursue further studies and be in a healthy marriage. Remember, you want to continue developing yourself after marriage as an individual, a wife, a mother etc...
If you feel strongly, you will need to talk to your parents about this at some point and if that is difficult then maybe you could try talking to another trustworthy family member. If your parents are still really adamant on delaying your marriage, then all I can suggest is that you ask Allah to give you patience and to focus your mind on deen and studies and inshaAllah you will develop patience. It is possible, as the more you pray salaah and recite dhikr and Quran, you will become patient inshaAllah..
We are all tested by Allah - see this as your test.. Allah will be very pleased with you if you remain patient and steadfast and He will no doubt reward you.
And Allah knows best.
If any readers have some additional advice for this questioner, I invite you to post your comments below.
(O Allah), Guide us to the straight path; The path of those whom you have favored; Not those with whom you are angry; Nor those who go astray.
Best regards,
- Sister Z, Editor
IslamicAnswers.com Marriage Advice
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Walaikumsalaam Warahmatuallahi Wabarakatuh
Sister Salikah, I think it is highly commendable that having been brought up in today's society, you are intelligent enough to be thinking so seriously of marriage at such a young age - or rather at an age that is considered to be 'too young' to get married. Unfortunately, many youngsters resort to haraam relationships as emotion overtakes logic and deen takes a back seat, but Alhumdulillah you appear to be aware of your feelings in an Islamic context.
Islam promotes marrying at a young age, because being in a healthy marriage provides us with the protection, support and companionship we all need and want - these are natural and basic human desires.
If you sounded like a love sick immature teenager, I would have recommended that you focus on your deen and strengthen your character before thinking of marriage. But from the nature of your post, you seem to be inclined towards deen already. The maternal and sexual feelings you are having are not abnormal and there is nothing wrong with considering marriage. Having said this, its not healthy if these feelings are overtaking your thoughts extensively.
If you want to consider marriage in a balanced and calculated manner, you need to make sure that your maternal/sexual desires are not the only driving force. You want to make sure that your husband is pious, of good character and will be happy for you to study and develop yourself. If your husband is supportive, there is no reason why you cannot pursue further studies and be in a healthy marriage. Remember, you want to continue developing yourself after marriage as an individual, a wife, a mother etc...
If you feel strongly, you will need to talk to your parents about this at some point and if that is difficult then maybe you could try talking to another trustworthy family member. If your parents are still really adamant on delaying your marriage, then all I can suggest is that you ask Allah to give you patience and to focus your mind on deen and studies and inshaAllah you will develop patience. It is possible, as the more you pray salaah and recite dhikr and Quran, you will become patient inshaAllah.
Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim
Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah
It is perfectly normal for a young lady of your age to feel sexual desire, and the desire for marriage and motherhood. "Modernism" has tried to teach us that we can either fulfill our desires with any person who comes along, or, if we are religious, we must simply quash such feelings until we are older - until college graduation, or that great job, or the perfect apartment. Young people are left in the lurch, fearing to do the haraam but not given the option of halaal marriage because they are "too young" or have "too much life ahead of them" astaghfirullah. I ask Allah to bless you with a pious spouse who will help you complete half your Deen, Ameen.
Of course, you do need your parents' support in this, as a lady cannot marry without the permission of her father (or other wali in his absence). You must convince them that delaying marriage is of no benefit and much harm potentially, in a calm, matter-of-fact manner. InshAllah, they will come to understand the wisdom of you marrying. You can also talk to a Sheikh or Imaam and have him counsel your parents. Perhaps a warning about the evils of fornication and the bad effects on your mental health will help convince them if it comes from a scholar or teacher they respect.
Until then, you must be patient. Do put out "feelers" to see what good young men are out there who are wanting to marry, but always do so in an appropriate Islamic manner, not being overly familiar with men, not flirting, and of course dressing and acting appropriately. Fast to lower your body's desire, do not watch romantic movies or music videos or read magazines that show inappropriate topics. Study hard, pray a lot, pray the night prayer, and always supplicate to Allah.
You did make a comment about being very restricted at home, and this concerns me a bit. Recognize that you need to look for a man who will respect you and your desire to fulfill your education needs, and if you desire to have a career, make sure that is spelled out from the first. If you feel restricted now, imagine if you marry a very strict husband who wants you to stay in the house 24/7 and not work or study. Take the time to find the RIGHT man. Write down what you want out of a marriage, focusing on school, job, children, involvement in the Muslim community and charity work. Figure out where you can compromise, and what issues would be deal breakers. Doing this ahead of time will save you much grief because you will not waste time on a man who is not a good match for you.
I wish you all the best in this world and the next. Fi Aman Allah, Noorah