I kissed my cousin & now he shows interest in other girls
My cousin and i fell in love and we used to be around each other all the time, we even kissed. Ever since he left all my work is going horribly wrong and i think Allah is punishing me for what i did.
What should i do? Also although he is a really nice guy but recently he has been showing interest in other girls although he says that they are just friends and the spark in our love is also dying.
I recite Ya-Wuddudo 21 times and blow on him image in my imagination (dum) please suggest additional duas, hadis, surats.. anything that would help.
- aeraj
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Aeraj, Asalaamualaykum,
What are you trying to achieve by blowing Ya-Wuddudo 21 times on his image? You don't seriously want the spark to re-ignite do you? If the 'spark in your love is dying' - thats great: 'Let it die' and only then will you begin to live again. Just remember this as a rule of thumb: "Any relationship that leads you to sin is impure and will do you no good".
Islam does not permit boyfriend/girlfriend type relationships at all so what you have been doing with your cousin is completely wrong. I think you have realised that though right? And furthermore you should tell him immediately that you do not wish to continue this relationship anymore because it is haraam. You are clearly feeling guilty and upset but this is a result of sinning. Breaking Allah's Laws never gives us peace. You must do sincere istigfaar, stick to your five daily Salaah, stay away from your cousin and from having haraam relationships with any boy and with time you will start to feel peace again inshaAllah. The Prophet(saw) recommended the following loving dua for seeking forgiveness: "Allahumma innaka Afuwun Tuhibbul Afwa Fa'afu Anna," translating as: 'O Allah you are Forgiving and love forgiveness so forgive me.'
"Turn towards Allah, O believers, every one of you, so that you may be successful." [24:31] Qur'an
"Ask your Lord for forgiveness and then turn in repentance to Him," [11:3] Qur'an
If your cousin is happy to kiss and flirt with you and with other girls, he can't be all that nice really can he? Perhaps you do not know what the traits of a nice man/boy are. Our Prophet(saw) is the best example and to put it simply, a nice boy will not try to flirt or get physical with you outside of marriage, he will never encourage you to do anything outside of Islam.
Don't complicate your life now with forcing this bad situation back into your life again when it is naturally leaving you. Realise Allah's Mercy on you and say Alhumdulillah that you haven't fallen further than kissing. It seems to me that you need to learn about your deen and goal in life. Remember you are on earth for one reason only, that is to worship Allah. Focus on your connection with Allah and when you do that, you will find yourself automatically straightening your morals and values.
You will most likely feel empty for a while if you make the right choice to stay away from this boy; but this emptiness will vanish with time. Apart from your personal grief and angering Allah through having a haraam relationship with your cousin, you also risk damaging your family relations through persisting. Just imagine how your family would react if they found out.
***
Take this bad experience as a warning. If you sin like this again or worse you will feel more pain. Its like dipping your toes in fire, you know you'll burn if you do it again, so you'll be a fool to go there again. If you walk away from this having learned this one lesson, great, maashaAllah! So count your losses and move on. Rather, count your blessings and move on.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Beautifully said SisterZ!!!
Verily, God wrongs not man at all, but men do wrong themselves.
(Quran Surah 10, Verse 44)
Salams dear brothers n sisters,
I am a 17 year old. I was in love with 1 of my cousin. I thought he loved me truly. I was so in love with him that I really thought that he was my life. We went out once and he kissed me. Some of his friends n mine too came with us that day. I greatly regret for what happened that day. I feel ashamed of myself. I used to pray daily n also thahajjath n ask forgiveness from Allah (swt) for the terrible sin I had commited. Later on my parents got to know about our affair n they told me that he wasn't good n made me promise that I wouldn't have any kind of relationship or contacts with him. I did as they said. I took him out of my mind n I used to cry daily for all the sins that I had done asking forgiveness from Allah (swt). After several months I met 1 of his friends who came with us that day. He told me that he loved me. I tried to make him understand that I was not in a position to accept anybody as I was guilty for what I had done. But he told me that he already knew everything that happened between the 2 of us. And that he still wills to marry me. But I refused. Later on I got to know that the person I loved was bad n he had been telling bad things about me n our relationships to all his friends. But this 1 wouldn't believe. I was so thankful to Allah (swt) that at least 1 would believe that I am not a girl like that. Later there were so many fights between the two of them n once this guy (who proposed me) got his nose broken n he had to undergo an operation. But still he wouldn't let me go. He kept on asking me. And I agreed to him because of the only reason that he knew everything about me. We used to talk through phone. and I got know that he was a very religious person n I liked that very much. He used to make me pray even if I was igrorant ,he tells me about all the things that he gets to know in fatwaz n whatever he learn about Islam. Now I love him so much and I pray Allah (swt) n thank him for bringing such a person into my life. We love each other so much but still we don't know what to do because of the fact that we are not sure whether what we are doing is correct or acceptable in Islam. He often stays in mosques n listens to fatwaz n spends most of his time like that. When I spoke to him last I told him that we should stop talking n texing n ask Allah (swt) for guidance n help. He also told me that in 1 of the fatwaz in mosque they said that love is nearly a "shirk" as we should love Allah more than anything n also because we keep on thinking about them even while praying Allah (swt). I asked him why he was still continuing? he said that he wanted my opinion about it. I suggested about doing salat-al-isthikara. He agreed to that but still he doesn't want to break up. He loves me a lot n I love him as well too. N we decided not to have any contacts hereafter but when the right time comes if Allah wills he will join us together n if Allah doesn't will whatever we do we can change nothing. I don't know what to do. Because when considering my past relationship I don't want to get married to a person who doesn't know anything about me n I don't know whether I have the guts to tell him o even if I tell would he accept it. Please help me. I pray 5x, fast, also pray thahajjath n keep on asking Allah to grant me with the person I love n also forgive all my sins, n give me the proper guidance on whatever I do. I cant ever think of another person in my life. I really am frustrated. I don't mind not talking to him as I think there are more important things in life (Allah (swt), Eeman, studies, parents) etc. But I cant live with another person. I am ready to sacrifice such small happinesses to gain bigger ones. please do help me someone as soon as possible.
Saliya,
If you and this boy have affection towards one another for the right reasons, why don't you both just tell your parents and move towards marriage openly. That way it won't seem like a secret sordid affair.
I can understand that you still feel burdened by the mistake that you made in the past, but it is not healthy that your fears and guilt influence your choice of marriage partner so heavily. Of course choosing a partner who is kind, understanding and compassionate enough to over look mistakes is good. But I must remind you to be balanced and to look at all the traits and qualities of the person.
If you have made sincere tawbah, maashaAllah, have trust in Allah that He(swt) will cover your sins/mistakes. You have an obligation to also conceal your sins and so do not need to tell anyone including whoever you choose to marry.
***
Take some time out, let go of your past. If Allah can forgive you and He(swt) can, then accept this gift and come to peace with yourself. You do not need to live in fear about what your cousin will do or say. If he slanders you, then he is damaging himself more and will owe you on the Day of Judgement. I doubt very very much he will ever say anything more to the family about you as this will mean dishonouring himself aswell. Anyway whatever he says, you do not need to belittle yourself by putting your head down and accepting it. If someone approaches you with something bad he has said about you, be dignified about it and deny it (even if parts of it are true), 'Yes', deny it, its a white lie and you are protecting your honour. You do not need to lay yourself bare to anyone but Allah. Anyone who sincerely cares about you will not embarrass you by going into graphic details with you about your sins/mistakes. Instead they will look out for you, support you and try to guide you when you are falling weak.
Next, think about what qualities you are looking for in a husband. I will recommend you to learn about the character of our Prophet(saw), this will give you a good mental picture of an ideal husband. Let this guide you towards making your choice of husband, not your past, fears or guilt. Do Istikhara asking Allah to guide you to the right decision.
Then speak to your parents about it and let the parents liaise with each other. Having done this, leave it to Allah.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam sisterZ,
It is so very kind of you to giveme such kind words. I'd love to do as u say. But I dont know how to tell my parents as i'm still young n he's also the same age as mine. so i think its too early to make our parents interfere. n my ambition is to become a doctor so i'll have to concentrate on studies too. please give me your opinion about this as I value them a lot. please sisterZ.
Tnx.
You're welcome Saliya.
You have ambitions, that is good maashaAllah.
Can I just ask how old you are?
SisterZ
sisterZ,
I am in my early seventeens sister.
Saliya,
Are you the same person who posted the initial post here as 'Aeraj'?
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salamz,
no i'm not sister. I had some difficulties in posting mine as a draft so i just thought i'd do it this way.
Dear Saliya,
Sorry for the earlier misunderstandings.
Back to your query. Saliya, if you have ambitions to be a Doctor, that is good maashaAllah. Of course you will be need to be focused and any negative distractions could really be detrimental to your studies. I still think that a healthy marriage should not be a barrier to a young sister achieving her ambitions of becoming a doctor. I think it can help you stay away from outside temptations and can also give you a peaceful, loving environment to live in which can help you get through your studies. BUT, at the same time, for such a thing to work, i.e. marrying at a young age and completing academics, you would need to be a mentally mature, focussed couple with a mutual understanding about your studies, about having children etc and you would also need a strong family support.
From what I have read of your account, I get the feeling though, that you are holding on to this boy moreso because he helps you feel good about yourself and you need this because you feel guilty about your past. This boy may genuinely be nice Saliya, but it may do you some good to give yourself some distance, just so you can begin to deal with this whole 'past' business and then be in a position to think with a clear mind. If you both still feel strongly about each other, ask yourself: are your own feelings based on the fantasy/ideas you have thought up in your mind about him, are they physical feelings or are they genuinely based on his character and piety? When we are drawn towards a person, we tend to start fantasizing and imagining situations where the person acts out in our ideal way and hence we start falling in love with them more, or rather with the person we have created in our imaginations. So it is very important, that you learn to distinguish between reality and fantasy. If you find yourself thinking about this person all day, make a conscious effort not to. Try to fill your time with dhikr of Allah or spend time with family. I think you owe it to yourself to give yourself some space, just so you can think clearly before making a decision about marriage. Also keep asking Allah to guide you.
If you still feel something positive about this boy, I would recommend you make it known to your families. One needs to be mentally mature for marriage, so if you show yourself to be mature in character and in deen, your parents may still not want to hear of you getting married so young, but may be more likely to hear you out. It is important that we have other trustworthy/wise people involved, like family members, to help us see things about the prospective that perhaps we may be blinded to.
***
Your situation is not one that you need to worry about Saliya. You have feelings for someone, just be sure to deal with them in a manner that is pleasing to Allah.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
See aeraj's other question in which she revealed more of her behavior and motivations:
I need to get on Allah’s good side and at the same time as holding on to the love of my life
I think she is trying to play us with this innocent little post.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com
Im a bit confused. Aeraj the original poster has not revealed her age. Its saliya that is 17.
Right, my mistake. I have amended my comments. Jazak Allah khayr.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salamz brother wael,
I'm really sorry that you have misunderstood me. I 'm not the person who has posted here initally as aeraj.
I had some problems in uploading it as a seperate draft. it said that it was pending. i came across some other articles in which others have done it this way. That is the only reason i did it this way. I'm really sorry if i had done or said anything wrong. please don't misunderstand me.
Yes, I realize that now saliya. I will now delete your pending question, since you have posted it here and received an answer.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Clearly there is an indication of lack of maturity; the scope of life is limited and so it's purpose. I do believe sisterZ did an excellent job answering and so did you Brother Wael on the other post. She's suffering from infatuation gone wrong (which is always does ) and perhaps has no outlet to vent since it's a cultural no-no. Nevermind the religious implications to such a relationship. I would just close this post, wa Allahu Alim.
JazakaAllah Khiaran to those who took their time to sincerely answer and advise the sister. May your reward be Jannatul Firdos...Ameen
Thank you, you've got good insight and balance. I have closed the post to further comments as you suggested (though Editors can still comment by opening the post in the Admin section and replying to a comment, so SisterZ if you wish to comment further you can do it that way).
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor