I need to get on Allah’s good side and at the same time as holding on to the love of my life
I fell in love with my cousin when he and his family visited from Canada.
Both our families are very religious and we have been taught really good manners. He had intentions of asking me to marry even before he came, because it was the wish of our grandfather, but he told me that he really loved me. Initially i didn't mind holding his hand because i did it even in front of my parents and although they are very strict they never said anything but slowly it grew into more and we committed some heinous deeds.
I understand that the blame falls more on me since he comes from Canada where such things are common. I felt very guilty the first couple of times and even cried and promised Allah that i wont repeat these sinful deeds but whenever i was with him we lost control and indulged in these activities. I never believed myself capable of any such thing, i prided myself on never getting involved with a guy even though i was pursued by many, i do not even make guy friends even though i study in a co environment and have guys always coming after me.
This event seriously shook my will power and my belief in myself and even though i have promised myself not to do such a thing again but i'm afraid that when i see him again i might do it. His parents and my mother are aware that we are interested in each other. I have talked to him about how i feel about the acts we have committed and we both agreed not to do so again, but still i doubt if this resolve will remain when we see each other. I have asked forgiveness but my heart lacks the feeling of guilt because a part of me enjoyed all of that, i'm afraid because of that Allah may not forgive me.
Secondly, i'm a straight A student but ever since this has happened everything in my life is going horribly wrong, i messed up on timings in my exam even though i knew all the answers and i had prayed a lot before coming for the exam, i fell 10 marks short of the highest score in my class in another case, previously Allah always helped me in such situations and i was immensely lucky and always got what i wanted. I'm really worried because my university applications are just around the corner and i really need to get into a good university it is a life long dream.
I have a feeling that Allah is angry even though i repented and so all of this is happening to me, while i was with him i used to think that i might not be able to get into a good university if i committed sins with him. Both of us are really good people, i pray 5 times a day and try my best to follow all islamic norms and values and so does he. We are both active social workers and we also work for the welfare of other muslims and Pakistan.
We really want to be with each other and he wants to ask my parents for my hand when he visits in the summer holidays 2 years from now although both of us are young he wants us to have nikkah so whatever we do after isn't wrong. However, we exchanged facebook passwords and recently i read in his inbox that a girl who was interested in him wanted to be his friend and he agreed, he plays basketball and she meets him in all of his games. I feel like he's cheating on me.
Please brothers and sisters i want your help:
-first i want duas for forgiveness and for making my will power stronger so i don't do such a thing again and a solution to the fact why i don't feel guilty even though i knw what i did was wrong.
-second i need ways through which i can get on Allah's good side again and i can get my prayers answered so i can get into a university of my choice.
-third i need ways to make him stay in love with me even though we are far away (currently i read Ya-Wuddudo 21 times after all 5 salaats and blow on his form in my imagination (dum) a way i read in an islamic book) i need surahs, hadis, ayats so that Allah may put love for me in his heart.
-fourth, i need prayers to stop him from cheating on me and seeing this girl, again i need surahs, hadis, prayers, extracts from Quran.
He still loves me or so he says and tries to talk to me as often as he can
Please help me
- aeraj
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Sister aeraj, everything you have written here is very disturbing. Your attitude strikes me as deeply shallow and insincere.
You claim you have repented for your actions but you have not. Among the conditions for tawbah are feeling sorry for what you have done, and intending never to do it again. But you say outright that you don't feel guilty, and you don't know if you will commit zinaa again when you see your cousin. So there is no tawbah here, only a game you are playing. You feel some regret because you are afraid Allah will not help you get the university of your choice. This is such a superficial motivation that I really don't know what to say.
You boast that both of you are good people, that you pray, and do your best to follow "all Islamic norms and values." You mean, except for zinaa, which is a heinous sin? So you think that you are better than someone who commits zinaa but does not pray? Sister, your behavior and attitude are hypocritical, and your claim to being a good Muslim is empty.
If I were going to advise you I would say, end your relationship with this cousin who has the morals of a billy goat and is almost certainly cheating on you. Cut off your contact with him completely and permanently. Do a sincere tawbah to Allah, not so that you can get anything material - whether the university of your choice or anything else - but because you owe obedience to Allah, in return for all the blessings He has given you. You owe Allah fear and love, gratitude and sincerity. Not the thoughtless, sinful behavior your have offered.
If it seems like I'm being hard on you it's because I see so much hypocrisy and insincerity in everything you have written. Unlike others who write to us with true regret, seeking a way to change and become better Muslims and better human beings, I feel that you are only looking for a way to manipulate Allah so that you can do well on exams, and so that your cousin will continue to desire you. It's ridiculous. Allah cannot be fooled, manipulated or played. He is a God of mercy but also of vengeance. When you play games with Allah you do it at your own peril.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
aeraj, I just realized that you submitted almost the same question here:
I kissed my cousin and now he shows interest in other girls
And you were already answered by SisterZ.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor