I don’t want whats best for me, I want him! I feel like giving up on life
ASA Brothers and Sisters!
heartbroken
I need help, AGAIN!
As some of you may already know my situation. But for those who dont I will sum it up. Im in love but his family does not accept me because I am not arab. My problem is, I keep asking Allah swt to please bring him back to me in a Islamic way, for his family to accept me, for us to be able to love each other and be happy! People keep telling me " Dont ask for that, ask Allah swt to give you what is best for you" but brothers and sisters, I dont want whats "best for me" I want him !! 🙁 I keep praying and praying but I dont know if it is in vain, do you really think Allah swt will bring him back to me? I mean, I dont see a reason why not. But then again, Allah swt knows best... Im lost, confused and so depressed. At times I dont have the strength to keep going, I want to give up on life, love and everything! Please pray for me
AMIRA
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Salaams,
I am not going to tell you to ask for "what's best for you". I believe that being honest with Allah about what we desire is important, even if we don't end up getting what we want.
I don't know what's best for you, neither do you nor does anyone else who knows about your situation. Only Allah know's what's best for you, and He will bring that to you whether you ask for it or not. His best for you may be for you to have this person, or it may not. Remember, "If you do not get what you want from this world then Allah suffices for you. ‘HasbunAllahu wa ni’mal wakil.’ Allah is sufficient for us and He is the Best Guardian. (3:173)".
If you want to keep asking Allah for this person, then do so. However, be prepared that it may, or may NOT, happen as you like. Be prepared to say "Al Hamdullilah" regardless of what the outcome is, which is something none of us can predict.
Finally, don't let this issue become so important that you start to have desparate thoughts about your life. There is nothing in this dunya that is worth those type of ideas. If you find yourself thinking along the lines of "wanting to give up on life", then take that as a sign that your priorities are getting out of balance and you need to refocus on what is real and eternal, instead of what is transient and illusory.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
If he is best for you Allah will give him to you, if he is no good for you Allah will not give him to you, think of this as how much Allah loves you. My heart breaks that you are in this situation but Allah knows what is best for you and all of us. If there is nothing you can do then you have no choice but to move on because you can never get what Allah won't give you and you can never lose something that Allah give you that is right for you. Think of this as a sign that you are not meant to be and continue on with your life meaning continue doing what you do like go to school get a new hobby etc, this is hard but many people have gone through this many times. People have had to leave their first and most intense love to get over but in the future have fell in love all over again and felt as if it was the first time they fell in love.
Suicide is not an option if you truly believe in Allah and if you have a void in your heart, I should be the last person to tell you to pray since I have problems myself in praying but I suggest you pray, and definitely read the Quran to see the big picture and to clear you mind as well as to detach yourself from the situation that your in and remind you of your duties as a Muslim. You feel this way because you do not know what will happen in the future and if you will really find someone who will love you, but you need to trust Allah. Sometimes we are in love with the thought of being in love with someone but not really be in love with them. You need to let that thought go and sacrifice your love for him for Allah's sake. Only He knows what is best for us, so let Him choose who will be the right one for you. In the end, if you end up in Jannah inshAllah you will already know who your true love is so why stress over it now if it will inshAllah all come together in the end.
And this is a reminder that although you feel this way for that man now, on Judgment Day you will run away from your husband and even your own kids. Since you are too focused on what you are going through now you fail to realize that during that day this man will not matter to you. It is like when you have partied all the time instead of doing your school work, when it is time for the final examinations and you realize that you are going to fail and then you start to regret partying, the urge to party disappears and you realize your mistake. But it would be too late by then. I know for myself using examples like this it works for me to see the reality of the situation. This has also helped me overcome my own heartbreak and I hope it works for you too. May Allah help you overcome this and may He help everyone who is dealing with the same situation as you.
Wow, I know the feeling! If you have read my posts, you will understand how desperate I became to be with my ex! Feel quite embarassed about it, but for a whole year I continued to pray for him to bring him back and for us to be happy together, despite all the horrible things he said and did to me. The human heart is so strange! I still think about him all the time, and would do anyhing to have him back in my life, the thought of another guy coming into my life scares me and the thought of him marrying someone else kills me. But in my good moments which are more than they used to be, I keep reminding myself that Allah swt knows best. I have now come to a point, where I am so exhausted from all this, that I have given up and have now surrendered to Allah swt and have asked him to just make me happy with whoever it is I am destined to be with, whether it is my ex or another person. And remember, if he truely loves you, no one will put him off marrying you, he will come back and fight to be with you. I know a brother who waited 4 years to marry the girl of his choice, because her family were not willing to let her marry outside their race, and alhamdulillah their duas were answered and they are both happily married now with a baby on the way. So if it is meant to be, it will happen. And trust me I know exactly how hard it is, but just let go and wait for Allah swt to make things better.
Everything that happens is written in the Book of Decree. If it is not written that he is to come back to you, then it won't happen, regardless of the amount of dua you do. God can't force someone to change their mind, sister. Let it go.
God wants all his people to be happy- it is important to believe in his will. But please dont think that destiny is dictated by this; destiny is made by choice. This means we have the power to steer our lives in the right direction for each of us by making the right choices. GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES
We definitely have free will insofar as our own lives are concerned. But we create our own destiny by succumbing to Allah's will. There is no way this sister can FORCE the destiny of another human being.
Sister keep on making doua, many people are in same boat as u are, some did end up marrying the person they want ( i know many people who did) and some didnt, cuz at the end as Precious Star said its all written, if he is meant to be with u no matter how many people are against it, even if the whole world dont want you to marry tht guy and Allah wrote that you will marry him then you WILL, if the whole world wants you to marry him and Allah wrote that you will not marry him then you WONT marry him, cuz as Precious Star it is all written in the book, but sister you should keep on making doua, put ALL your faith and trust in Allah, inshAllah Allah will help you. have sabor sister, inshAllah with time his family will agree, al hamdela he told his family about you, which is a good thing, inshAllah they will change their minds soon, have sabor and he should talk to his family abt this issue again, give them some time inshAllah they will change their minds. but keep on making doua, pray salat al lail and make doua after ur done from salat al lail, dont forget to say lots of estikfar such as AstakfourAllah etc many times.
i will make lots of douas for u and other sisters in your situation inshAllah Allah will help you all 🙂 one more thing try to fill your time with other things, dont think abt this issue rl much, at the end if he is meant to be with you, you will marry him, so fill your time with salat, reading quran etc
Thanks you and to all of you who are responding so fast! Inaaya90 you said something that I had never thought of it but it is true ... He did talk to his family about me, about US! so i guess I am important to him and he too wants it.
I just want to make it clear that I dont want to force anyone in to being with me... I Love him and he loves me, then hard thing is making his family understand this! Im no criminal!! And as the propher p.b.u.h once said : an arab is not better than a non arab and vice versa.
I guess I am used to "fighthing" for what i want. I mean, you want a degree you go to school and get it, you want to buy a house you get a job and work hard for it, you want to help someone you get up and do it! In this case... Idk!! I cant do much and thats y i feel this way! Im not saying praying is nothing! Astargfull Allah! What I mean is i dont feel like im doing much sitting here and praying.. I know this sounds horrible (but Allah swt knows wht i mean and what is in my heart) I dont mean it in a bad way!!!
I have tried everything and I knw this brother has too... I see people who get married and yrs later get a divorced. Why does this happen? Why did'nt Allah swt give THEM the best? Is it because they are not praying hard enough? I know from past experience i praied and praied for something and I finally got it, but that was not good for me, afer many yrs I now realize it, so why did Allah swt gave me that in the past but cant give me this brother? I sound like a child but unless you are or have gone through this you wont understand!
I know im very depressed and Allah swt might punish me for this, for making this situation take control over my life...
Please keep advicing me and keep replying as i look forward to more support... Im alone, i dont talk to anyone about this, except to you guys online. Please help me!!!
Thank you
AMIRA
Sister remember that Allah does test us, and tests comes in many ways, you say why Allah didnt give them the best since they got divorced etc, because maybe Allah wanted to test them, and maybe Allah is testing you right now, if you will have sabor or not, have sabor sister and keep on praying and making doua, have full trust in Allah, inshAllah Allah will make this work for you, remember sister i think you said your nt from the same race? if so, then since your not these things does happen (not accepting) its kind of normal, if his family are from the type who prefers if he marries from his family or same country so have sabor, to them this is something new, it will take time for them to accept the idea, and then they will change their minds inshAllah, but the guy has to reopen the subject when the time is right, but never say why didnt Allah give them whts best for them, cuz as i said maybe tht was a test from Allah (divorce) and if they happen to have sabor and accpeted their fate Allah will reward them either in this life or the after life, say lots of estikfar, pray (qyam al lial) and make lots of doua.
another thing Amira you said " What I mean is i dont feel like im doing much sitting here and praying" remember sister you did enough already, the guy opened the subject with his family etc, so right now all you can do is pray, what can you do more than that? Leave the rest to Allah, if your meant to be with him, you WILL marry him even if the WHOLE world are against you, so right now keep on praying and ask Allah to help you both, inshAllah they will change their minds, let the guy open the subject again when the right time comes. i do understand what your going through sister, but at times there are things we cant do anything abt it, like these matters, only thing we can do is have sabor and pray to Allah (make doua) because only Allah can help us so pray and make lots of douas, inshAllah Allah will accpet your douas. hope i helped 🙂
Sister;
Thank u! You are right, I should keep praying. I should not give up or turn away from Allah swt. You make everything seem so easy, you have given me so much strength in your words... I dont know what hurts the most, if I feel like im wasting my time waiting or if i gave my heart away and now it is destroyed. But yes, Allah swt knows best, and wtever the reason is this brother came in to my life then let it be. I know it is better said than done, but I have to keep praying for what i want and if Allah swt thinks that is best for me i must accept it even if it takes my life away.
I would not mind being tested like other people, ex getting married to him and then yrs manyyyyy yrs later get a divorce... Sounds pathetic i know. I just dont see y im so "bad" in his families heart! After all, WE ARE ALL MUSLIMIS!!!
Thanks again i will continue to re-read all of these comments for extra encouragement on a daily basis!
AMIRA
The problem, Amira, is that you might pray so much for this thing that you want, that you will get stuck. When we want something badly and we pray day and night for it, it fuels hope, and we are unable to then see beyond the possibility that the thing we want so bad won't happen.
Its not like studying for an exam - the more and harder you study, the more likely it is you will get the marks you want.
If it does not happen, then you are going to spend your life mourning the loss.
You have prayed; Allah SWT has heard you. Perhaps it is time to let it be.
Precious Star you got a point but dont 4got tht douas are accepted in one of the 3 ways, a) Either he is given what he asked for, b) It is delayed to the future or c)he is rewarded in the hereafter.
so in Amira's case she should make doua and pray cuz no one knows if her doua will be accpeted maybe it will be accpted fast or delyaed after 1, 5, or even 8 yrs or will never be accpted only Allah knows, if he is meant to be with her he will come back to her even after 10 yrs. What i meant is tht she make doua if he came he came and at the same time she should accept proposals beacuse she doesnt know were her kismet is, maybe this guy is her kismt maybe not, so its a good thing when muslim pray to Allah and ask him for help, and ask if this person is good for me, helps me etc if not keep him away etc.
and at the same time since she is praying rl hard and asking Allah, Allah will help either she will marry tht guy (if he is good) if he is not good, she wont marry him, beacuse Allah doesnt want her to suffer, and a person should have a stong imaan in Allah, knowing that if the thing they asked for wasnt answered probably beacuse it is not good for them, maybe the guy seems nice now but later after few yrs he changes , so when we make doua we ask Allah for what is best, if it happened happened if not then maybe its not a gd thing as we expected.
Yes but my point is she has already made the dua. She made it with conviction. Allah has heard it. She should have conviction that Allah has heard it and will answer in the way He feels is best and in accordance with what has been written for her.
Do you really think that if she stops making the dua she will miss her chance at having it answered? Do you think that if she says today that "I will now leave everything in God's hands", that God will change His mind and not grant her what she wishes, if that was what was destined for her?
I don't think dua works that way.
Precious star :
Thanks for taking time to reply... but i am even more confused now. I dont mean to be rude and plz forgive me if i sound this way. But the way i understand what you are saying is that we might as well never ask Allah swt for anything. because if it is ment to be it will be regardless if we ask for it or not.
I dont think that way. I think if you keep praying Allah swt will answer you prayer and HE knows in which way to do so.
Thank you
AMIRA
No I'm not saying that. Dua has many purposes. God may give you EXACTLY what you want. But he can also store up your dua for the hereafter. he may not give you what you want because it is not good for you. furthermore, what you want was never written for you.
Dua brings you closer to Allah, and gives you peace to accept His will for you. He will bestow his blessings on you if you beg Him for what you want, but, that doesn't mean He will give you what you want.
I still think there is a huge misconception about praying for something over and over and over. Its as though if you stop praying for something then oh no you've lost your chance. It doesn't work that way. God has heard you! Now wait and see what He delivers. Saying the dua 10x, 50x or 500 x isn't going to change the outcome.
IDK! I still feel it makes me feel better after asking Allah swt even if it is for the 1000th time... I guess i want to lie to myself and keep telling me it will happen.
I know in Islam going to a fortune teller or getting your "cards read" is totally wrong, as nobody knows the future but Allah swt. I myself dont believe in that either. But someone in my family very close to me went to that place and told me that the lady told her that I will never be happy with this brother and that he is lying to me and a lot of negative stuff about this brother. After hearing this i felt so soooo bad! I know i dont belive in it but it hurt my feelings and for a minute or two i thought to myself : "well if that lady said so, then it is true"
NOW IM EVEN MORE CONFUSED AND DESTROYED!!
Please tell me in Islam this is not true...right? No one knows our future! So is there are remote possibility this lady could be right? She has been in the past... I dont know what to do now!!!!!
HELP!!!
AMIRA
yes sister you should keep on praying and asking Allah by the way sister when you pray and ask Allah also say things like make him a good husband for me, loyal caring etc in your douas as well, you know Amira i understand what your going throu, so keep in your mind one thing which is kismet or naseb as some ppl call it, we have seen people who got rejected the first time, even two or three times then after a year or even five years tried again and the family accepted them, so keep in mind if he is meant to be with you he will come back to you, even if after a year or five years, and nothing comes easily sister as you said yourself "I guess I am used to "fighthing" for what i want. I mean, you want a degree you go to school and get it, you want to buy a house you get a job and work hard for it" so here it shows that nothing comes easily, we have to work for it. step one has been done, guy open the subject with his family, 7mdela its done, and it is the most important step, so now give them some time to think about this new idea (to them) and inshAllah they will accept the idea, things takes time sister, have sabor, if the guy real wants you he will fight for you, btw ur family accepts the guy? and from where he is?
if that brother is good for you he will come back inshAllah, if that brother is not good for you he wont, because you dont know wht will happen 2moro let alone after few years, maybe he seems real nice now since you love him but once you live with him he might not treat you well, cheat on you etc so let Allah give you the best, when you make doua ask Allah,Allah if this person is good for me and keeps me happy,then help me and lets us marry, if not then keep him away from me etc. sister dont think that way, you said " I just dont see y im so "bad" in his families heart!" never say that, you are not a bad person, and they dont think of you that way, its just because the idea is still new to them, their son marrying to a non arab person, probably they never expected such a thing, get what i mean? put yourself in his parents shoes for a while, you will find what they are doing is kind of normal, inshAllah when things get better and they accepted the idea, inshAllah they will real love you, but also pray for Allah and ask him like say let his family like me rl much etc. sister have you performed istikhara as well?
hope i helped 🙂
WOW sister Inayaa!!
Thank you so so much!!! This is very helpful! I need people like you close to me.
In regards to your question: My family loves him too! He is Palestinian. And yes i do put myself in his families shoes. But i dont think that forcing him to marry someone else is a human thing to do! I feel they are being selfish. Their way or nothing! Why cant they see i love him and make him happy!!
Look I just graduated this past may and his dad and family went to my graduation because his sister was also graduating. His dad smiled at me and was nice to me because he thought I was palestinian! If he would have known who i was, he would not have done that! So he is judging me! He is not losing a son but gaining a daugther.... I feel so bad. So tiny, like worthless!!
Thanks
AMIRA
Sister sorry to say this, but have you ever thought that maybe his mother is making dua to and praying to Allah (swt) that the son that she carried gave birth to and raised would married someone who will please her and understand her and fit in to her world, i no its hard but try to look at this from all sides.
Salaam sister...
His mom is ok with me, his sister loves me, his aunt likes me too. The problem here is his dad, his uncles and his grandfather. 🙁
Thanks
AMIRA
wow mostly the men are more laid back in these situations and its the women who get all psycho till they calm down, Arab men think of tribe and that is on the male side anyway so its not like any grandchildren would be another tribe this is a strange case?. insha'Allah it will work out for the best
My dear sis Amira,
I haven’t read others replies but I’m sure they are giving you some fantastic advice so apologies if my post sounds redundant.
Firstly, I want to ask you, despite this man’s family rejecting you what does this man have to say in regards to marriage with you? Does he still want to marry you as the reasons his family are giving are not valid ones (i.e. you are not Arab) but rather culturally moulded? Allah swt tells us to obey our parents in all circumstances, except if it goes against his command so if his parents are refusing to consent to your marriage with their son on the sole basis that you’re not Arab, then as a man I believe he should be able to convince his parents through the light of Islam and hadith that this is indeed incorrect. Is he able to do that or is he submissively leaving the decision up to his parents? I always find that a man has a huge responsibility to carry on his shoulder and especially those men who decide to choose their own bride should have enough strength to stand up for the woman they love as long as she is a good Muslimah and will be able help him achieve jannat, inshAllah. If they can’t do that there is no need to lead someone on, I make this very clear as it’s something that frustrates me immensely. A man should make it clear to his family prior to loving a woman that this is the woman he is interested to marry and for such and such reasons; do you have any valid objections? In all circumstances though the parents should be respected and honoured but we must bear in mind that honour and respect is very different from doing the right thing. By doing the right thing it does not make one disrespectful towards their parents, it just conveys that although I respect and love you immensely, these are my rights that Allah swt has given me and I’m exercising them when choosing my life partner.
Secondly, sometimes in life we want something with so much determination that we blur our insight in seeing that it isn’t actually for our well-being. Now, I’m not saying that this man is bad for but again we don’t know if he’s good for your future either—only Allah swt knows that. So a huge part of being a Muslimah is believing in the divine will/decree of Allah swt. By all means make duaa to Allah swt to give you this man but only if he’s for your good because if you adamantly ask for him and let’s say he isn’t actually for your good but Allah swt decides to give him to you and he ends up cheating on you, how will you bear the pain then? So my point is, always pray to Allah swt to give you what is best for you in this world and the akhirat. Make this duaa every time you offer salat and put your heart at rest. If he’s for your good Allah swt will give him to you but if he’s not then he’ll be taken away from your path but you will get something better in the hereafter inshAllah—no duaa goes to waste. As humans we only have so much control over our lives and destiny and yes duaa can make a difference but we shouldn’t forget that Allah swt loves us 70xs more than our own mother so can He possibly give you something that will be of harm to you?—definitely not. So you may or may not get this guy but if your heart believes that Allah swt will do what is best for you, then you will be at ease.
I know this is something that is very difficult to do especially when you love someone but life comes with ups and downs. There were many things I wanted very badly but I never got, but that’s okay because I either got something better or realized later those things weren’t for my good.
I hope my words give you some assurance and hope inshAllah.
Stay strong dear sis
-Helping Sister
Helping Sister! Thank u very much for ur words. As many of the other sisters they are very valuable to me, and it was kind of nice to wake up to them. Im glad you are so open minded about it. I do feel like i have a chance with this brother. Everytime i pray i feel so good, everytime i ask Allah swt to bring him to me and for us to be able to be together Islamically right i feel as if he is listening to me and i totally feel that he will bring him to me. I swear i do!! The thing is what if it is just a feeling? What if i get excited about this and it never happens? 🙁
Sister, he tells me that no matter what, he loves me and that even if his family does not accept me he will still marry me. He says we will find a way to do and that Allah swt will help us. His words really give me hope, but right now he is overseas in his younger brothers wedding and wont be back until Aug 20th. His dad is looking for a bride for him like crazy, and im worried that he thinks he is disobeying his family by being with me and marries overseas.
I am so confused. This depression is really taking the best of me...
Thanks
AMIRA
Sis,
I can understand that this guy is of great importance to you and you really want things to work, but you’re going to have to be patient: either you will get him or you wont.
What I do suggest right now though is that since we know pre-marital relationships in Islam are forbidden (of any kind) keep your talks with this guy at a minimal. If he is strong enough, he’ll be able to break the ice between his parents and you and overcome this culture clash. If not, well then either: he didn’t try hard enough or things just aren’t meant to be.
What I believe you should do from your side is trust Allah swt. You have made duaa and you are making duaa: do not get delusional. Just let things take its course, by the will of Allah swt you will get whatever is destined for you. You cannot be adamant like a child because there is a 50% chance you may get him and a 50% you may not. By stressing yourself or praying “harder”, you’re not going to suddenly get him.
For these reasons I suggest that you place your faith in Him, and stay calm—don’t over think of the situation. I also want to point one thing out, do not wait for months or years to see if this guy will take a stand for you. Give him a set period of time (let’s say 1-2 months) to convince his parents because you don’t want to waste your life, time and feelings here. If he still can’t convince his parents then I suggest the best thing to do is to move on. You may not like what I’m saying but dear sis, I’ve seen numerous girls waste year over guys who just can’t convince their families. It frustrates me because they keep fuelling hope to the girl but at the end all her expectations are let down. I don’t want you to be another one of those girls so for your own well-being start taking things in your hand also.
-Helping Sister
HELPING SISTER!!
Thank u! I understand what you say and take it in deep consideration! I too dont want to be one of those girls. Actually i think i am...i have waited so long! Almost 7 months. But yet, I dont mind waiting. I dont want to pressure him into talking to his family. But then again, i dont want to wait 2 yrs and then find out we cant be together... I dont mind waiting for him. I dont want anyone else.
But u are right. I must talk to him when he gets back inshallah! Not for the fact that i cant wait but for the fact that he must know this waiting period is killing me. If he thinks we cant be together than he might as well tell me know and not let 5 more months go by...
Thank you!!! I just hope I can stay strong and tell him this
AMIRA
Salaams,
I think based on the numerous responses you've made to this post, and the concerning content in this most recent post (about the fortune teller and how it made you feel), that the amount of focus you are spending on this issue is out of balance. You are seemingly spending more time trying to gauge what the outcome will be than you are trusting Allah that whatever the outcome is will be perfect for you. At this point I think you need to leave the whole thing in Allah's hands and turn your attentions to your submission to Him in all the other areas of your life. If things were in balance, it wouldn't matter what a fortune teller would have said, whether it ended up being "true" or not.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
ASA!
I know this is not right. I know Im putting so much time and energy into this. You think i dont want to not have to think about this brother anymore? You think i like feeling like this? I dont. Its very easy to tell someone to stop thinking about it or Inshallah things will work out... But its a different story when you have to deal with this day by day.
I wish I was strong enough to say this is not good for me or my health. But sister (s) I am not... I wish i could rip this brother out of my heart and soul. Its not easy. N it's the pain that reminds me im still alive.
I WANT TO BE THE OLD ME... I DONT WANT NOR CAN KEEP UP LIKE THIS MUCH LONGER!!
Thank you very much for your reply and again thank you all for taking time to reply ... I really appreciate it
AMIRA
ASA!
I just wanted to update all of you who helped me by answering and giving me good advice.
After waiting for him to get back from overseas I found out by a friend of mine that he got engaged and was very happy. Shortly after, he confirmed it. So it was all a waste of time, but at the end I did learn a good lesson.
Again,
Thank you for taking time to reply!!
AMIRA