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Question:

Asalam o alaikum,

Please would someone be able to offer some advice on my situation?

I got married and my husband came from overseas and now lives with me and my mother at home. (he is also my cousin). However, the situation at home has been very unpleasant since he came. My mother and my husband do not get along. I feel like my mother expected a son relationship with him, and he has wanted to be a husband first.

We have been living with my mother for 10 months now and we stil do not seem to get along. My husband wants us to have our independence, and my mother feels like he has not been able to adjust himself to living within a family. This is my mother's home and so my other brothers and sisters visit when they like or when my mother invites them. This causes problems as my husband feels like we do not have a choice in this matter and have to entertain guests regardless.

I have 5 other elder brothers and sisters and they are all married and live away. I have one sister who lives close and has a very good relationship with my mother. My mother also looks after her children while she is at work. She and my mother are able to talk about her problems and that of those of local residents! I on the otherhand do not have this kind of relationship with her. Perhaps this is because I am the youngest. I have always tried to be polite to her.

My husband and I do get along. We went through quite a difficult time where he felt that I put my family first, expected him to do so too, and did not treat him as a husband but instead was busy making sure that everyone else was happy. We have since talked abot this and things have changed and I try and make sure that I am fulfilling as much of my duties towards him and giving him time and attention.

My mother often talks to him, and us in an angry tone. Both her and my sister often say things that are hurtful and have double meanings. My mother has even been rude to his family. This all causes tension between us as he feels that I am partly to blame.

When he first came he did try and make an effort with everyone and was constantly put down for it. He also heard that he was here for other reasons such as the uk visa, the money and to take over the house - when in fact my mother arranged the marriage in the first place. He then stopped making an effort and now hears that he doesnt take an interest and lives like a lodger. He has also stopped trying to make extra conversation with my mother due to the constant abrupt and hurtful remarks as a response. HE also gets upset when my mother says anything to me.

My mother is really nice to the other children and their partners and the hypocrisy also makes my husband angry as he can't understand what it is that he does so very wrong.

I am really caught in the middle as I love my mother. My father passed away several years ago (may Allah rest his soul) and I cannot imagine her living alone. I lived alone with my mother after I graduated and things were fine, but since my hsband has come the whole atmosphere of the house is very sour.

My husband and I do love each other and get along and seem to be able to laugh and joke and get on even better when my mother isn't around. However she feels that we do not involve her or make her feel loved. My husband feels like we have not had any time just alone together and that my mother should understand that we do need this.

My mother and sister often sit together and talk about him, me, us and analyse our actions and talk about how we have not been able to adjust or how we are happy alone. However they do not see the things that they say.

I have never spoken back to my mother and I think this has meant that she has been able to be very hurtful for a long while. Both me and my husband do not try and rationlise with her and say to her that she is always angry when we try and talk to her. But she does not think she is doing anything wrong and feels like she is right.

My mtoher doesn't respect my husband and this shows in both her words and her actions.

My husband has lost his love for her and there is very little compassion left.

He wants us to move out. I have always known that your parents are so very important in Islam. This is why I am always nice to my mother regardless of what she says to me, and I try to be the best daughter I can. I have never wanted to hurt her. However, I am now married and I know that my husband has to come first.

We have tried to live at home and the situation does not seem to be getting any better. I feel really sad that I will be leaving her alone, although at the same time there is part of me that knows that she is not my sole responsibility. We will be living in very financially tight circumstances if we move out too, however, I don't know if I should bite the bullet and move out for the sake of my marriage and the hope that the relationship will improve.

There is a lot of resentment at the moment due to the lack of choice and freedom and having to constantly face my sister who says lots of hurtful things.

I know it is not usual for the husband to live with the girl and her family. And I think as a man he is entitled to feel like a man in his own house. He does not feel like we have our own space and my mother thinks that we have the whole house and the freedom to do what we want.

I am also 8 months pregnant and have been very unhappy for the whole duration of my pregnancy. I am making even more of an effort with my husband even though I should be resting to compensate for the tension and dischord at home. We try and be good to each other and make each other laugh.

He doesn't want to keep on making the effort with my family as it doesn't seem to have got anywhere. He does not think he is treated well at all whereas everyone else does. He is also very very lonely here. He only talks to me as he does not have any friends, which means that I get all the fustration and anger he is feeling too.

Islamically I don't know what I should do. I love both my mother and my husband and I don't think either should be this unhappy. It doesn't help that my mother has various health problems such as a failing kidney, diabetes and high blood pressure. Where I am able to show compassion as she is also 63 years old, my husband seems to have run out steam now.

Some guidance and help would really be appreciated.

JZK

- Sister S.

Wael's Answer:

Dear Sister S., As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullah,

Have you heard the expression, "Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home"?

In my opinion, a married couple needs their space. Especially a newlywed couple needs room to become a family of their own, to relate to one another as husband and wife in privacy. Even if it's just a tiny flat with no more than a bed, a chair and a dining table, it's a start. Don't expect to be in the lap of luxury. Be content with something small and meager for now. The important thing is to have a place of your own, for you and your husband.

The situation you are living currently will destroy your marriage if it is not resolved. I strongly advise you and your husband to find your own place. Hopefully it will look a little better than the one in the photo 🙂

I think if you do, you will find that your marriage and happiness will improve.

That does not mean abandoning your mother. If you find a place reasonably close, you can still visit your mother for a few hours a day by yourself to help her with whatever she needs, then return to your husband. But don't spend all day at your mother's house. Make your husband and your new home the center of your domestic attention.

You need a change of mindset as well. Your "family" is now you and your husband, and your future children, Insha'Allah. Of course he still has his own family (parents, siblings, etc) and so do you, but you and your husband are starting a new family and that is now your nucleus. You must turn to each other first, love one another, think of each other's needs, and try to make each other happy.

And Allah knows best.

If any readers have some additional advice for this questioner, I invite you to post your comments below.

(O Allah), Guide us to the straight path; The path of those whom you have favored; Not those with whom you are angry; Nor those who go astray.

Best regards,. - Wael Abdelgawad
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