No dowry, is my marriage still valid?
asak!
Thank you for considering my question & may Allah SWT bless you all for your time & energy to answer this and your faith. I converted to Islam on the day I married (3 months pregnant) and knew little of the religion except that I was committed to raising my daughter according to the dignity of Islam. We had many problems in our marriage and I'm finally at the point of requesting Khul'a.
My Imam informed me that my husband would have the right to receive back my dowry (mahr) if I went through with the divorce. When the Imam asked me what my dowry was, I told him there was none. Actually I never was asked for my dowry price nor was I allowed to set it. My then fiancee took my money and bought a ring to satisfy his mother and sister's request for a ring. This might have seemed like the dowry to his family, but the truth is the money came from me and I was never in agreement that this would be my dowry (if I had known what this was at the time).
My question is: Was our religious marriage valid based on the fact I never got to decide what my dowry was? If not, how do we document that we were never connected in any way? Do I have the right to change my daughter's last name? How do I recover from this feeling of betrayal ? I trusted him to follow the proper procedure for Islamic marriage, and as a new convert knowing nothing about the laws and my rights, he took advantage of my ignorance.
What is the best way to document the divorce (or lack of marriage validity) for purposes of remarriage later (since I could see him trying to thwart attempts to remarry)? Jazakallahair in advance...
~Fatimah
20 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
My dear Sister Fatimah, Walaykumsalaam,
I am sorry for the difficulties you are experiencing. May you become a stronger Muslim as a result of them insha'Allah.
Due to the nature of your question, I will have to advise you to consult your case with a qualified Mufti/Imam. Your question involves matters of fiqh and none our Editors are qualified.
With regards to your feelings of betrayal, remember that whoever wrongs another has infact wronged his own soul and will be held to account for his actions. May Allah give you peace and improve your condition, aameen.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister Fatima Assalam alikum,
You can try islam.ca or http://www.islamicforumonline.com/ They will be able to guide you. Also ask them if they can make sure that you have the right paper for legal purposes.
Dowry is a gift from husband to his wife upon marrige. Your marriage is valid because you have made a marriage contract to marry him and that's why you believe that you are his wife. You have to make sure you have vaild marriage contract i.e. four wittnesses etc. Insahallah if you email the above with your questions they will be able to guide you properly.
Masalam.
Asalaam alaikum,
Unless the wife forgave the mahr being given to her, then the marriage is invalid. There must be mahr, no matter what it is, how much or little, or whether it be tangible or intangible. It is not a mere gift, but a requirement of the nikkah contract and the woman must agree to the mahr.
Also, there is not a requirement of four witnesses, but at the least there should be two in most schools of Islamic fiqh.
The situation thus bears the question: what exactly took place and where was/is her wali aka guardian? Where is the nikkah contract an what does it state? The absence of these three things: mahr, wali and a nikkah contract, if this is the case, would make the marriage invalid without the need to document it as such. For the divorce cannot take place and be effective if there was never a legitimate marriage to begin with in the first place.
So if the man does not give the agreed upon mahr and the couple continues to have physical relationship, are BOTH liable to punishment for zina or just the man - men being the 'dominant" ones culturlally, and the "providers" Islamically? The woman is not at fault in my opinion in such a situation. Correct?
Asalaam alaikum,
Correct, to an extent. The caveat is ignorance and being unaware of the Islamic procedure for marriage in this situation. While this does not excuse women in the future who should make themselves aware of the Islamic obligations, in this case, it was easy to see that she trusted her husband to follow the tenets of Islam. Again, it begs the questions I posed above.
If the woman was kept ignorant of the proper Islamic procedure for marriage, then she has not sinned. However, once she discovers what has wrongfully taken place, she must refrain from the illegal relationship until the nikkah is made and she may marry the man lawfully. This is even more pertinent in her case since she had just embraced Islam.
However, if the man knew the proper Islamic marriage method and purposely avoided it, then he has sinned and must seek forgiveness, repentance and must make a valid nikkah if he and the woman agree to carry on further or must separate immediately to avoid sin.
Am I one of the rare people who feel uncomfortable with the idea of mahr? To me it seems like the man is paying a woman a fee for her "services" (quite like paying a woman who does this as a profession!) and find it very demeaning. Can someone help me see what is so right about its in Islam?
Asalaam alaikum,
Mahr was implemented to avoid the selling of women by their families. In the Age of Ignorance, women were traded, bartered and exchanged without have any right to oppose it, unless they were privileged. In these pre-Islamic times, is when dowry was paid to the groom's family for him to take the bride as he was being paid to take her, because daughters were seen as lower than human beings. In fact, some men were known to take wives just to receive the dowry!
Women were seen as a burden by the ignorant people of the time, and the the parents would think that she was a financial liability to them. They did not want to pay the cost of having her married off. This was why revelations came about to expose the people who would bury their daughters, so to banish this practice, punish and condemn these people, in turn.
Islam came to change this situation and instead give a mahr to the bride, in which she could refuse or accept. Mahr is not paid to the families, but to the bride and this bears out how Islam sought to elevate woman's position and her rights. For if she refuses the mahr, then she stays unmarried as per her wish and desire.
Mahr can be anything and not just money. In fact, women are encouraged to ask for a modest mahr. In Islamic examples, there was a man who paid the mahr of "teaching his bride Qur'an" by instruction of the Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw). We can see then, how mahr can be something far greater than any amount of money or valuable exchanged. A bunch of flowers can be mahr and in thinking about this further, the reason is because mahr should not be an impediment to marriage.
When the woman can stipulate her modest mahr, then we see how she controls her marriage conditions, the piety she can exercise in agreeing to it and especially, how the man must approach the subject and nobility of proposing mahr to his potential bride.
Mahr is a means of giving women control of who they choose as a husband and even to extent, observing his piety and wisdom.
I see what you are saying but it is disgusting how I have seen some women marry men demanding huge mahrs and after a few months leaving them - Allah knows best, and I don't like to listen who talk behind others backs, but recently a very supposedly pious "uncle" told me about a woman who married a guy who was overseas, and the plan was she was supposed to leave the US to join him. She refused after the marriage. She had asked for a condo as mahr and then walked away from the marriage.
Huge mahrs are demanded even back home from the guys so that they would not be able to walk away easily from a marriage.
Asalaam alaikum,
This is why a request for an extravagant mahr is also a warning to the men, as a means to judging piety, modesty and intent. It is un-Islamic to ask for such things and goes against the reason for marriage.
We only need to look at the mahr, ceremony and marriage of the Holy Prophet's own daughter, Fatima (sa), to find our guidelines and our way of the Islamic life.
Salaams,
Professor X, if I am understanding corretly. For a nikkah to be valid there must be four witnesses? But two can surfice? And the mahr must be agreed upon before the marriage takes place? Plus does the contract have to be written? If so then my own nikkah is invalid.
I did receive a mahr. But there is only a verbal contract and two witnesses. Also from what was explained is that it a conditional or tempory marriage. Is it valid?
Asalaam alaikum,
Islamic scholars have allowed that the actual nikkah can be verbal contract, and the marriage would be valid. However, if there were to be certain stipulations that must be met, a written one is preferred, but not obligatory, from what I understand of most rulings. The premise is that it is easier to prove and reference if it is written.
Two witnesses is sufficient for the marriage to take place.
Mahr must be agreed upon beforehand, unless the wife is willing to forgive mahr.
Your marriage is valid.
For Shias practicing mutah, the process is slightly different as Shias allow in their nikkah and mutah marriages for the witnesses to be Allah (swt) and the Qur'an. Mutah cannot take place with a Muslim virgin unless the father or grandfather approves. For mutah to Christians and Jews, the scholars have had differing opinions. However, Shias do taqleed of their scholars, so whichever ruling their particular scholar has said, they must follow.
Let me clarify and say, mahr must be agreed on beforehand, but afterwards, the wife can forgive it. However, there must be an agreement of mahr. It does not matter how little or much, tangible or intangible mahr is, but it must be agreed on.
Like the original poster here nothing was discussed with me. Including the marriage itself. Not saying I didn't want to marry him. I did. But would have like it to not have been a surprise wedding. I'm not even sure what kind of marriage I actually have as the man I married is a Sunni and they don't practise mutah. Our witnesses are Shia. And they are the ones who said we needed to set a limit on how long we are married. There are other complications as well. Such as not being able to tell my family or able to live together at this time.
I love this man and not trying to find out of this marriage. Just really need to know how valid it really is.
Sister bulbul What do you mean time limit on your marriage and your family dont know,this is very confusing,,,,,Why marry if not to let your family and love ones make dua'a for you and share in your happiness,
Sister iam sorry this has happened to you, unless you told him and witnesses that you did not want a mahr then a major mistake was made at your marriage ceremony, also you can not change your child's last name in Islam lineage is very important and your child must always carry her fathers name, and can never claim to be someone else's child.
Sister I have a post in which part of this is explained. In short I am also a recent convert and am legally married to someone else. My family are very strong christians and hated that I even worked with muslims. Much less that I was in love with one(not why I took shahada).
The time limit on the marriage was suggeted by our boss who is Shia. He also stood in as my wali. None of this was discussed with me beforehand. I came into work and was told by my husband(far as I know at this point) we were getting married. The marrige would have a duration of one year after which we part or renew the nikkah. After being aked three times if I wanted to marry this man and saying yes. Everything else proceeded in arabic.
Asalaam alaikum,
This is a matter of fiqh, so you need to decide on whether you agree with the mutah marriage as part of your faith.
However, your problem is even more complex because you say that you are legally married to someone else? What is going on, sister? Please post your question separately to the website, because it sounds like this will take some time to sort out.
I will do my best to help.
As salaamu alaikum
Quick question. A sister getting married and vverbally agree on a set dowry
However she gives him a time limit on when he must have the dowry.
This time limit elapse and he has not given the dowry, does this now invalidate the marriage?
I have a problem that I'm a poor Indian Muslim man and I loves Filipino Islamic women. We wants Nikah each other but as I tells that I'm poor man so is it necessary if I marry with her first without her dowry & after some little times I will paid her dowry & that same words i tell her too so she saying that without dowry she can't. Even I want to give assure on her that I will paid her slowly slowly because of reason my poorness. Is a necessary ? Can I do Nikah without dowry then I paid to her soon ?
Brother Kafeel, the dowry can be anything small if she is willing to accept it. But to answer your question, if she is willing to accept delayed payment or installments that is fine but you should put it in writing. You should specify how much you will pay and on what timetable.
If you are very poor and the woman knows this, and still insists on a large dowry, then you might want to re-think this match.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor