Parents wish and attitude about marriage
AssalamoAlaikum,
I happened to visit this site as I was looking for an answer to my question through islamic perspective. I am a medical student in pakistan, will be graduating in a month inshaALLAH. I am 24. My parents live abroad, and I live with two brothers who have their family.
A year back, when I was in my second last year of medical school, my parents desired to form a new relationship for me, in the form of nikah. They had already informed me of their plans and wanted me to point any religious, nice girl someone from a good family.
I did so, and in a way gave three names to my parents, with a "priority list" of my own. Of course, the girls I put forward were known to me somehow, in someway e/g one being my classfellow, one being a friend's sisters classfellow and another one was a junior to me in the same institute, a fresh introduction whom I had seen only once, tracked some family info and general reputation about her.
My parents visited the family of two of them, the third girl's family(junior) didnt allow my family to come as they didn't want any proposals for their daughter at such young an age. My parents refused one of the girls and seemed quite inclined to the friend's sisters friend. However, as their stay was short, they left undecided, without a proper commitment to the family or anything.
The girl whom I wanted was the third one, and I informed my parents about it too. She, however, was not much religious but hailed from a good cultural family, unfortunately different from ours. Being in same institution, I contacted her again and gifted her books on Hijab and Pardah. I was hapy to see that she converted and started a proper scarf, and veil when going outside.
This year, my parents came again in May, and wanted to consummate the relationship with my friend's sister's friend. However, they agreed to visit the family of my the girl of my choice, I tried hard to convince them, even cried before them but they blatantly refused. It felt like all energy, motives and happiness were drained of me. I kept arguing one way or the other, talked to brothers separately too but no one listened. There point was that the family is landlord, somewhat village cultured(though I dont feel so) and "incompatible".
Its been now 7 months. I have been trying to convince them through a number of means, telling them that this is where my happiness lies. I even visited them abroad once but they won't listen.
~Writer
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Salaams,
You did a reasonable thing by giving your parents three girls to choose from. I have to say, I am impressed that they took your suggestions and followed up on them instead of doing what so many other parents do by forcing girls of their choice upon you. You have to give them credit for that much.
The assumption is when you give three girls, that you would be satisfied with any of the three that happened to come through for you. I think where you might've gone wrong is getting overly attached to the idea of being with one over the others. Certainly you knew that when you submitted these choices to your parents, that not all would be equally available.
You were hoping, deep down, that the nikah would advance with the third girl. However, the third girl's parents initially refused because they didn't want their daugher getting married at that age. That's a reasonable point, and your parents were wise to respect their views. Even though your parents are saying that the family differences are their reason that they don't try again to visit this girl's family, the truth is it would be somewhat insolent of your parents to go back to them after having already been given an answer. Whether you like it or not, your parents are doing the right thing in maintaining those boundaries.
The bottom line is, the girl being off limits to you has nothing to do with what your parents are willing or not willing to do. It has to do with the wishes of her own parents. They have made their decision, your parents are abiding by it, and you must learn to abide by it too. That being said, if you really are not feeling like going forward with a nikah with the remaining girl (even though you were the one to suggest her in the first place), you do have the option of suggesting another two or three girls who were not of your first choices that you are equally open to marrying.
Of course, you might find that you can be just as pleased with girl #2. Maybe you should take some more time getting to know her in supervised visits to make a final judgment of your own about her before making a final decision one way or the other. Right now your parents are doing their best to work with you, so I would advise you to value that and try to avoid behaving in such a way that might exasperate them and make them not want to help you find someone you would be pleased with.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor