I want to wait for him until I get married to him.
My problem is kind of the rare. I know a guy for 3 years and we have been in a relationship for that long. We have not dated to go out together as a gf and bf. I know him because we once used to work together. After exchanged numbers and we have been in touch from then on.
We have not get involved in any type of sexual activities. But we fight a lot. I am the problem, I know I am. Because I leave and go back..I leave I go back again..
I have talked about him with my mother and she talked with my father they both disagreed. Because there is a difference in our cultures. He has got a past too. A bad one. But I have come over all those and he is becoming good too. My friends say I should not marry him because of his past and that he is never going to be good. They don’t see what I see in him. I believe that he is going to be good and he is now as well. I also believe that he is going to be a responsible man, caring, loving. He has been committed so far.
I don't know what to do, I keep on breaking up with him because of my parent's happiness but I keep on going back to him at the same time. I love him too much, I have decided to live the rest of my life with him, he is the guy I am attracted to and we want to marry to complete our lives.
So this time that I have got back with him, I have swore that I will never leave him again and I have promised that I will never break him at any worth. We talked things on the phone and we worked things out according to ourselves. He asked me to give him a year to work and earn before sending his parents over for a proposal. I agreed, I told him that I will wait for him and give him time.
However, I am not sure if I am allowed to stay in this relationship? I pray 5 times a day, I fast, I consider myself a good practicing Muslim, I love Allah more than anyone, but I love this guy too. We do not go out to see each other (except been in this relationship, if it’s considered a sin).
There is no way that I will break up with him again, because I belief that a Muslim girl has the right to choose who her future husband is going to be. I have got other proposals but I do not feel anything towards any of them. When there is no feeling or future goals then there will be no chemistry or living in it. I don’t want to risk my life with some stranger and become unhappy for the rest of my life and get divorced.
I hope you brothers and sisters are understanding what I am trying to say. I just wanted to know if I can continue on been this way and wait for him until I get married to him. Please support me, we both accept each other for who we are, we are both learning things from each other. He says he is going to be the most lucky guy on earth if I marry him, I feel the same, to me he is a great guy. I can imagine been with him in the future.
-Yeh Alive
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Salaam sister.
Ideally if two Muslims are interested in each other, they should marry as soon as possible, to avoid the risk of sin. So I am not 100% sure on the best answer to your question. I think that it is OK for you to wait for each other as long as you adhere to the boundaries set by Allah swt. This however would be difficult. It means you cannot meet or even talk on the phone without a mahram being present. Communication would be extremely limited, it will be like no relationship at all. Casual friendships are also not allowed. However, this is normally only possible to wait for someone when officially engaged to one another.
You are right in that it is who he is today that is important. We have no right to judge each other on our pasts. The important thing is has he repented? Has he changed? Ask yourself these questions. Also do istikhaarah if you can and make sure this brother is right for you. Please click the above links at top of page on istikhaarah questions and answers and read each one carefully before proceeding. There are A LOT of misconceptions and its important it is done properly in accordance with Sunnah.
My concern is dear sister, although you love one another you should establish whether or not you can marry before you wait for someone. There are many examples of people who have waited for one another for a long time, told their families, the families refused and then they have had to move on. If your parents are not agreeing now what makes you think they will agree later? If you both truly want to marry I advise you to sort everything with both your parents now and try to persuade them to agree. Use hadith and Qur'an to help persuade them. Of course this would mean the brother would have to make the proposal sooner and ask for time to accumulate enough money, so that is difficult but is better to lay all the cards on the table. If they do not agree speak to an Imam and try to gethim to persuade them. If they all agree then at least get engaged or even do nikah. (Please note that if you get engaged he is still non-mahram to you so you still need to stick within boundaries.)
If you decide to do nikah and move in later when he has money then as you will be officially married you would be able to meet alone.
If they do not agree despite attempts, then it may be better for you both to move on. It will be more difficult to move on if you have both been waiting for one another for a long time.
If none of this is possible and you still want to wait for him, that is your choice. Just stick within Islamic boundaries and do not pin all your hopes on marriage to him - keep your options open just in case.
I pray that Allah swt gives you the best spouse for you.
Ameen
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
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Assalamu alaykum Sister Yeh Alive,
You have absolutely no grounds to be in a relationship with this guy.
If by chance you have come to know of each other, then rather marriage or leave contact. You should not hang in between being "friends", "keeping in touch", "knowing from each other from time to time", this is not the right channel and may lead to much fitna than you think of.
Fear Allah and turn away from any intimacy/ love for this person. If Allah wills, He will marry you both and give love in your hearts for each other and if Allah wills, He will separate you in such a way that you will not even be in touch with him for a "second".
For a Muslim, what matters more is " Al Qadar" "Taqdeer". That is the will of Allah. Whoso surrenders to the will of Allah is a Muslim.
From your answer I see lot of " I will do this ", " I will never let this happen", lot of " I will" and planning which won't take anytime to get shattered and come down with a heavy crash if Allah wills so.
Planning is done by kuffars, who do not believe in Al Qadar, they think by their knowledge, their planning, they will be able to manage things to come in life..
Allah reveals something different to us in His Book that man's cause of destruction is his planning:
18. For he did consider; then he planned
19. Destroyed is he, how he planned!
20. Again ! Destroyed is he, how he planned! - Surah Muddathir.
Allah says no soul knows what it will earn on the coming day. What plans can we make when our destiny is already written by Allah?
34. Lo! Allah! With Him is knowledge of the Hour. He sendeth down the rain, and knoweth that which is in the wombs. No soul knoweth what it will earn tomorrow, and no soul knoweth in what land it will die. Lo! Allah is Knower, Aware. - Surah Luqmaan.
And further more, never say " I will ", for a Muslim first comes the will of Allah, then he accepts Allah's will and remains in surrender or he does an act of kufr by not accepting the will of Allah and arguing without knowledge about Allah.
23. And say not of anything: Lo! I shall do that tomorrow,
24. Except if Allah will. And remember thy Lord when thou forgettest, and say: It may be that my Lord guideth me unto a nearer way of truth than this. - Surah Kahf
It does not befit a Muslimah to have a boyfriend, nor does it befit a Muslim to have a girlfriend.
Allah says in the Qur'an:
71. And the believers, men and women, are protecting friends one of another; they enjoin the right and forbid the wrong, and they establish worship and they pay the poor-due, and they obey Allah and His messenger. As for these, Allah will have mercy on them. Lo! Allah is Mighty, Wise. - Surah At Tauba.
We are "protecting friends" of each other. Meaning, we advise each other from falling into sins - by enjoining the right and forbidding the wrong, we exhort one another to the Truth which Allah has revealed and exhort one another to patience.
Other than this we have no "relations" of intimacy until marriage like "the brother is my friend, ah the sister and me are friends, we spend time together, nope".
Our bond is only till the bond of Islam, whatsoever comes after it is nothing but going astray, from which we should abstain and seek refuge in Allah.
My advise is, you said you are praying 5 times and think of yourself to be a good Muslima, so why not turn this goodness in to further righteousness and keeping duty to Allah? Why not choose a path to become pure further and leave things which displease Allah?
If by mutual agreement you wish to wait for him for marriage, you may consult with family in kindness and wait. But remember, you should not keep relations of a lover with him, nor should you expect your family to say yes to him.
If he is a good Muslim, fearing Allah, and they still deny your marriage, you may choose a way in kindness to turn down their objection and get married by the will of Allah. But being a responsible Muslima, you should neither compromise on your choice, nor choose anything which leads to fitna and wrong actions from both sides.
If you observe the limits of Allah, it would be best for you.
Youhave a lot to think before making any decision, lot of things are "futuristic" in your post. We marry someone for who they are "now", not past, nor " how they will be in future".
24. Am lil insaani maa tamanna - Or shall man have what he desireth?
25. Fa lilaahil aakhiratu wal uulaa - But unto Allah belongeth the after and the former. - Surah An Najm.
So whenever it is time for marriage, see how "he" is "now". Allah knows best what is inside each heart, we can only see visible iimaan , Allah has the knowledge of the unseen, the hidden.
You are treading a dangerous path, friends and family cannot be biased or blinded 100%, some of them may think good of you.
So pay heed to advise and choose the best from it. Fear Allah and keep your duty to Him. If you do this, Insha Allah, you shall be fine.
Keep firm on the Qur'an, and Allah will ease your living for you, Insha Allah.
Salaam,
Your brother.