My wife refuse to be intimate with me.
It's been over 2 months now and every time I ask my wife to make love when shes watching tv or listening to radio or doing her night makeup if I mention my need to her she quickly gets in bed and pretends shes tired or she sleepy. And when I try to hug her, she gives me sakes of Allah and rasuls (saw) to let her sleep.
And some times my dead mother sake to leave her alone and its been more then 2 months now. I dont know what to do in this situation but to keep my self to myself.
Please can you tell me islamically can she do that?
~AliAsghar
30 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Salaam AliAsgar
What your wife is doing is very wrong. She is denying you your rights without an obvious reason (from what you have stated.) So Islamically she is not allowed to do it.
Al-Bukhaari (3237) and Muslim (1436) narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If a man calls his wife to his bed and she refuses, and he spends the night angry with her, the angels curse her until morning.”
Of course the Prophet SAW had the best of manners and showed mercy to people and as Muslims we should of course seek to emulate him so I would advise that you try to handle it with understanding. (Although I appreciate that you probably already have - it is unfair I agree.)
Questions you need to ask yourself. Is your wife loving to you outside of the bedroom? Or does she avoid non sexual loving contact like hand holding etc. This is not for you to answer just for you to think about. Aside from lack of intimacy how is your marriage? If the other aspects are good then it may be she has a problem with intimacy - she may be scared, does she not know you well enough etc. Avoid initiating intimacy for a while an focus on speaking to her.
Try to speak to her about it nicely and ask her why she refuses, and what you can do to make her feel more comfortable. If she has had some trauma it may be she needs counselling. Just a pointer, when you ask her - ask to enquire not to accuse and do not ask her after you have tried to initiate intimacy.
Try to find out a reason. If its trauma, try to be patient. If she is just witholding intimacy for no reason and is unwilling to take steps towards fixing the problem and if things don't change soon then its not fair on you so consider divorce.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
If other maritals things are ok apart from intimacy, u can consider marrying another woman as second wife since Allah has given u permition to marry upto four. But dont consider divorce. That will even make her to come to her senses and do d right thing since there will be competition between them
SALAM
MOHD THIS IS VERY IMMATURE ANSWER BRO
Albahja. . . . . I beleive ur reply to me doesnt sound insultive . . . . Can u pls point out one statement of mine that sound immature ???. . . I am ready to accept my mistakes and currect my self, and i beleive u will also be ready to accept ur mistakes when it is shown to u
My wife refuse me whenever i approach her for any kind of affection for no reason whatsoever. When i try to make conversation she ignores me, when i try to hug her to show her affection she pushes me away, when i i try to kisss her she turns away, when i say affectionate and loving words to her she dont respond,, whatever i do she denies me.Not once did she tell me she loves me, but when she is around her family and friends she is so open and affectionate towards everyone, hugging and holding them and spend all her time around and with them, completely ignoring me.
Ashraf, please write a post and tell us more about the situation. It's difficult to advise you without knowing more. For example, was she forced into the marriage? Are you recently married? Are there any kids? Is there some underlying conflict going on between you? If a woman acts this way, there is a reason, especially since you say she is an affectionate person by nature. Either she is angry at you about something, or she does not want to be married to you.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I have questions too btw.
Me and my wife were friends for about 7 years before marriage and we both are students at different universities.
I was to travel abroad for studies and she wanted me to take her with me. She wanted me to marry her and take her. So I explained to her that I am a student. Our life might be hard for sometime after my studies till I find a Job. She was ok with it and we got married. I couldn't travel because of covid lockdowns and it's been 9 months since we got married and she would turn me down everytime I try to be romantic or flirt with her. She gets mad and even shouts at me for no reason at all sometimes thinking that I want to be intimate with her.
I couldn't work at a job until now because of covid and companies here wouldn't hire students for good posts, it was either I lie about me being a student for a good job or tell the truth and get rejected, I chose the latter and we did some home business (selling goods, candies etc). I paid the shortcomings of rent and necessities with my student loan. Both of our families are suportive.
She wouldn't let me talk to her about it and we never had sex, not even on the firstnight. What is the ruling or is there any or what exactly is my position in islam in this situation? And what SHOULD I do?
I can't find an answer online. So asking.
tahiyatul islaam
brother,
the only thing you can really do is TO ASK HER WHAT HER EXCUSE IS.
why does she not want you?
she may have a valid excuse, if she does, then be patient and try to work through whatever the 'illa is.
EVEN if she has a problem which is stopping her, SHE SHOULD HAVE EXPLAINED IT TO YOU BEFORE
if she does not have a valid excuse, tell her that the curse of Allaah is upon her so long as she is like this, and she will not enter paradise, rather she will go to hell fire and get tormented there and that she does not have a right upon you to provide for her/shelter her or any other goodness no matter how smalletc.
but rather that she deserves very severe/harsh behavior from you.
and that aaaaaaaall her good deeds are NULL & VOID
and then you can go out and marry a second wife, there are many good muslim women out there.both virgins and patrons who need a husband
i dont know why you are putting up with such a situation FOR TWO WHOLE MONTHS.
wallaahi, you shouldve asked her to explain herself very very well in the first night after your nikaah as to why she doesnt want to cohabit with you.
i just cannot comprehend why you have put up with such a situation without serious answers for two months.
sit down with her, and ask nicely why this is the case.
Allaah ma'ak
Abu Az-Zubayr, make up your mind. Should he be patient with her and ask her nicely what the problem is, or should he tell her that she is cursed and treat her harshly?
Hint: you are right with the first strategy, and wrong with the second.
Harsh behavior is never a solution. If a problem has a valid cause, then we should be patient Insha'Allah. If if there is no good cause, then we can consider divorce. But there is no benefit in treating anyone severely or harshly.
To the brother who posted the question, you need to have a forthright and honest conversation with your wife, not at night when you desire intimacy, but during the day at at time when everyone is relaxed and comfortable. Ask her to tell you honestly what the problem is. If she has experienced some childhood trauma and is afraid of sex, maybe she can see a therapist and try to get over it Insha'Allah. If she has no valid reason, for example if she simply has no sexual desire, or does not find you attractive, or some other weak excuse, then I think you might have to contemplate divorce.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Based on what has been stated, it's clear the woman is confident enough to give lip (cheek) and answer to her husband by saying let me sleep, Ya Allah etc.
Personally, I think you need to try the age old method, win her over with some romance, a very nice evening that will surprise her, at the end of which if she refuses intimacy, it's time to tell her to pack her bags and find yourself a woman who isn't so selfish. You work all day earning the money for her make up and the clothes she wears, and she shows you attitude at the end of the day when you seek some intimacy. You're better off without such women.
So give it a shot with romance and try to find out what's the issue. I highly doubt that it's a case of her having trauma because you would have said you've never had any intimacy.
Try to talk about the problem openly,and ask the problem why is she doing like this,may be its trauma as a brother told or evil spirit making her to do that or else she's interested in someone else(Allah forbid).
Try to communicate otherwise the problem will get worse.
Allah hafiz
There are many women out there who unfortunately suffer from no interest in sex,especially after a few years of marriage, and so they behave the way your wife is doing - ANYTHING to avoid it. As naturally when they dont feel like it, they dont enjoy it and it is like a burden for them to be sexual in any way.
I suspect it may be the case with your wife...but of course to make anything definite, there is no other way brother but for you to talk to her and find out. You have to ask her in a gentle manner..dont be harsh as she will probably get defensive. Make the atmosphere nice and then ask her gently why shes refusing you and that you realise its more intentional than she makes it look like.
Was salaam
"There are many women out there who unfortunately suffer from no interest in sex.." - This may be true, but it's not a normal physical state. Human beings are sexual beings. We are designed that way. If a woman has no sexual desire for a prolonged period of time, there is almost certain some underlying problem that needs to be addressed. It could be a problem with the marriage, a problem in the woman's past, or a medical problem.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Yes, I agree. In most cases I believe the root of the issue is something else. Stress, children, the mundane routine, or perhaps lack of foreplay from the husband can pretty much kill a womans libido, unlike a mans.
It certainly 'shouldnt be' this way and takes effort to improve it.
I wanted to just highlight how many sisters refuse due to no desire, not evilness lol.
SALAM BROTHER
WELL IF UR R A NEWLY MARRIED COUPLE N IF UR WIFE IS MUCH YOUNGER, THAN SHE MIGHT BE SCARED OF PHYSICAL INTIMATION
THE THING U CAN DO IS TRY TO TALK 2 HER OR IF SHE IS SHY THAN U CAN TAKE HER 2 SOME DOCTOR WHICH WILL EXPLAIN 2 HER
OR IF THERE IS SOME ELDER(WOMEN) IN YOUR HOUSE THAN SHE CAN CONSULT THEM AS WELL
BE PATIENCE
Wael's answers are the best. Don't get mad at your wife; rather sit down during the day and find out what's going on. Do not beat her. Do not harass her. It is against the law in a lot of countries, and against her rights as a human being for you to force her into having sex with you. Yeah, rape exists in marriage as well. Like wael said, it could possibly be a medical/psychological problem. She may need to see a doctor. You, being her husband owe it to her to be supportive and kind. SHOW her you love her, don't just tell her.
Mean time if u need 2 timepass u can buy a PLAYSTATION 3
Bro what the heck? This is serious. Not some childs play. Somebofy needs help here.
Dear Brothers
I think in this situation instead of tense yourself better you should ask your wife that if she have any issue. as all of my brothers mentioned a lot of physical and psychological reasons it can be any reason. If she don't feel sex and she don't want you to go close to her it's very clear indication for you. If she still want to live with you and can look-after you in other matters then with mutual understanding you can go for second marriage. Through this way you can avoid divorce and can find your wife who she can care your sexual needs. If you think that how you will look after both wives inshallah Allah will increase your income. Other Allah knows better.
Assalam-o-Alaikam Brother!
Focus at your wife and note down changes in her routine life behaviour and your attitude and changes in yourself as well and note down even the minor changes as well for a week. I am sure you will be able to find out the reason, meanwhile pay your full attention towards your wife without making her feel for greed of any intimacy etc. Act totally natural and try to make her more comfortable and try to come closer to her mind and soul without coming near her physically. Make a full try to win her back and ask her thinking about you and give her trust that she can say anything to you. Take her at long drive or places you visited during good days. Then ask her what she feels when you come near to her. When she feel that you love her and care about her In Sha Allah, she will tell you her problem. This is for sure you would have asked her about the issue or problem that y she does not allow you to come near her. But you would have asked directly or at the time when you tried to come near her and she will be in the trance of that problem.
So at first for a week change yourself and in spite of avoiding and being rude to her just care her more come closer to her heart and soul and continuously note down the changes. Within One week you will be able to find the problem and solution of it as well.
Short solution could be give her sex arousing pills, she will aroused and gone mad for you but it is not ethically right my brother. So take care of her, Divorce or 2nd marriage are the extreme steps and feel if you have the same problem then what would u suggest to your wife to leave you and join someone else to regain her sexual pleasure.
I hope my brother you will take the challenge and win her back, women are so sensitive yara we should care about them so much and very tactfully as well. May Allah give you Success and Resolve your Issues.
Amin.
i am a sister and reading this reply. it is a wonderful thoughtful reply that all men should adhere to and inshallah only if they did, may possibly all their problems just maybe solved.
Yeah. That would be awesome. Btw I'm a sister 2!
My wife and I have sex like once a year....and when we do...its me satisfying her...she never has tried to please me! I'm so frustrated I want to go have an affair.
What is with all the women not realizing the effect of rejection on men. I've been patient for 5 years now going like this. In the last 12 months ....twice! Each time it's like she's doing me a favor. Now we don't speak because I'm sick of begging for it.
I'm a great lover...always ensuring to please her, I go down on her she never has once on me.
I'm done - what do I do? I have 2 young kids. I don't want them to learn dysfunction!!! But I'm sooo frustrated
Teeman, the two of you should see a marriage counselor together. It could be that your wife does not realize how deeply frustrated you are. Or maybe she has some inhibitions or negative feelings about sex itself. In any case, communication is the key to resolving this problem.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
very vague and repetitive and pathetic seriously. Were hurting and this is the best answer you can give. shame on you.
Ibn Mohammed, your comment is uncalled for. My advice was to Teeman. Are you him? I can't see into the wife's mind and know what the problem is. And I don't have a magic wand to wave and solve the problem. The only possible answer is open and honest communication between husband and wife. There is no other solution. And if that is not easy or possible, then a good marriage counselor can facilitate it.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam Wael,
I think you gave a good answer. Marriage counselor is the way to go, this issue would be difficult to solve over an internet forum.
i am half dead as a result of a wife who refuses to love me and hate/dispite providing her need///ie house//money// i took her from a very poor family in pakistan il loved her/// i kick my self for not marrying a very religious woman and now paying the price/// dispite living a comfortable life in england ///its30 yrs i cant remember ever come to me///
shahid, sorry for your difficulties. May Allah guide you to the best solution.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
My second wife want to divorce form me but I can't give him divorce what can I do