How to approach a Muslim to see if he the right man for marriage?
Assalam O Alaikum,
I have just came across your website and found it very useful. May Allah reward your efforts. Nowadays, I am going through an unusual experience. And I need some advice. I would be glad if you could shortly write your opinion and acceptable islamic position on this.First, let me write a few sentences about myself.
I am a born muslim woman (aged 25), from a predominantly muslim country. I wear headscarf, fast during the Ramadan and some other times, and pray five times a day, also read Quran regularly. My family is also religious. For the last couple of years, I have been studying in a non-Muslim country. I am not married yet, but I am psychologically under the pressure from my family and other people around me to marry as soon as possible. I am not against marriage, I just have not met the right person yet who, I can live together for the rest of my life. I did not have a boyfriend or a relationship before.
A couple of months ago, I came across the facebook profile of someone (let's call him M.). We have some common friends. Then, I reviewed his profile as it was open to public and I was kind of impressed by it. He is a revert muslim, studying and working. We are doing our studies in quite similar topics. He seems to be a sophisticated, hard-working and also pious person. Also active among the muslim community. And as far as I know, he is not married.
But I do not know yet if he has a serious relationship with a woman. The friends we have in common are also nice and trustworthy people.
A couple of weeks ago, I attended a full-day course about Islam for a small group, and he was also there (by coincidence). I steadily watched him during that day, and did not see a disturbing feature of him in his relationship with other people. Then, I thought about asking one of our common friends to introduce me with him, (if he is not in a relationship, off course). Unfortunately one friend we have in common is not very close friend of his and he does not know if he is in a serious relationship, so I could not ask him to introduce me with him. (I should also mention that all three of us live in different places, so we can not see each other very often.)
Now, I want to know him better and to see if he is the person I would like to marry (and the same for him). I know, in Islam women can also propose marriage to men (as in the example of Prophet's (pbuh) wife Khadija). In my case, I just want to know more about him. And, I am just stuck. Should I approach him myself? But how can I do that properly and without breaching moral and Islamic principles? Should I find an excuse or should I be open about my interest in him?And as a last point, for my family, if I marry someone from another country is not a problem, if he is a practicing muslim and has taqwa.
Thank you very much in advance for your future support. Looking forward to your prompt reply.
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Assalamu alaykum Sister,
Your Sabr and your seeking advice in order to maintain moral and ethical principles of Islam within yourself are commendable. Masha Allah. Keep it up ! Alhamdulillaah, may Allah reward you for this.
As far as approaching the guy is concerned, better is to first make sure that your family has no issues in your marrying a revert in a different country.
It would be good if you had a mahram (father or brother) with you in the place you live now so that he would be by your side and also help you in meeting with the person you like. Try if any of them can come, then this would be best.
But before that one way you may go ahead to know if he is single or not is to approach an imaam of the mosque or Islamic center where he goes to pray and attend programmes. The imaam may talk to him and know from him. If you do not feel like speaking to the imaam, you may ask any other person to contact the imam and get a reply from him if the guy is single and looking for marriage at this point of time.
Also if he agrees to consider a proposal, then keep your gaze low, meet in presence of other sisters and some elders if possible. Get your priorities clear, be frank and open about what you need in life, what you need in a husband and what is the purpose of your marriage with him. Let him respond, if from his replies you find him to be God fearing and your priorities are met by him, then you may say Bismillah and involve family quickly in to it.
If somehow things do not work, do not get disheartened, I am sure, Insha Allah you won't because you seem to be a person with Sabr and strong iimaan. So trust Allah and take the purest way, avoid yourself getting " attracted - then too much attracted - then in love", that is not a good thing without marriage. I think you know it too and are a responsible Muslima.
May Allah make it easy for you and give you the most halaal ways to approach the situation of finding a spouse.
This is what I could say for now as my personal opinion which I said based on your question. Allah knows best how much of it is correct. But maintain the Hijaab of the heart and take guard against Satan.
Read the Qur'an a lot and turn to Allah often in Thankfulness and repentance.
Salaam,
Your brother,
Munib.
Very nice reply from brothermunib
Salaam. . . . . . U ve been giving good advice from above. . I just wanna add something base on d little knowledge i ve concerning dis aspect. . . Concerning meeting d guy, u may not necessarilly go with an imaan or ur close relative on d very day of introducing ur self 2 him. . . I dont think it will be dat easy 4 ladies dat do shy alot. . . . U can as well start from casual 'salaam' friends (bearing in mind what u want about him 'marriage', hence u ve 2 be very strict in trying 2 avoid commiting sin). . . And then as u get close 2 him and know more about him, u can involve ur parents if u feel u are ok by his characters. . . . . But also u ve 2 be carefull not 2 date with him and also not 2 fall in UNNECESSARY relationship wit him. . . . . . . . . . . . . . ALLAH KNOWS BEST
Salaam,
A muslim woman can not talk to a muslim man whom she wishes to marry without an Imam, brother, father, etc. trusted male figure by her side. And she can not get close to him even in a friendly way.
-Pepper
Pepper ...
Then it means that all those muslim women who are studying in universities and working in companies are committing sins ....
Is it possible for every muslim women to take wali to schools , universities and work places ....
very interesting situation huh
Remember Prophet's hadith
" Actions are judged by intentions "
All depends on your intentions ...
I am not talking about muslim women who are studying in universities and working in companies, I am talking about muslim women who are serious about marriage and are looking for a spouse. I never said that a muslim woman can not talk to a muslim man without a wali present, she can but it has to be formal meaning no vain conversations. These conversations may be but not limited to, her family, her political views, her religious beliefs basically anything that can make her vulnerable. If you have ever fallen in "love" you will know that those feelings start to come out when you reveal the most intimate information about yourself and start to feel more comfortable with the other person even if they do not feel the same way.
When a muslim woman decides she wants to marry and finds a man suitable for her, she can not be alone with that man. Instead she needs to have her father, brother, Imam, etc. with her to make sure that no inappropriate questions are asked. Also, if the male is a certain way but the female does not see it, the Wali may be able to pick this up. How many times have you or someone you know, been in love and you can't see anything wrong in him/her, but your parents, friends, relatives all tell you that he/she is not good for you because they are/do something you are not aware of? And then they end up being right?
This is to protect the woman, because when a man and a woman are by themselves the third person is Shaytan. Shaytan makes us do crazy things, makes things "just happen". This is to protect both the male and female to marry for the wrong reasons, because lust is quick, feels like love, disappears within a few years and real true love takes a while to form, never goes away. Allah (swt) wants us muslim women to achieve the real true love, which is why he gave us these laws.
Prophet's hadith
" Actions are judged by intentions "
Actions are judged by intentions, intentions can be changed at any time for any reason. Allah's laws can not be changed, it has been there 1400 years till now and will be there till the Day of Judgment
May Allah guide us all into the right path, allow us to set our opinions aside and follow the Quran & Sunnah.
Mind u pepper, if u go through my post, i said she can start with casual 'salaam' greetings, not to go for unecessary relationship. . . If there metting or work place is d school or office or any where, there is noting wrong in saying salaam to each other. . . Then from this neibourhood relationship, she can get to know more about his character as she get close to him (but dis does'nt give her room for sinning). . . Then at this stage, she can make d proposal . . . . . . . I dont know d countary u are leaving, but i want to tell u dat not all girls can confront a guy for the first time of meeting him (and probably he don't even know her too well) and then just make proporsal of marriage
I live in the US and i do not know which country you are living in brother, but this is the Islamic rule for all muslim woman regarding marriage. I am a muslima myself and I never said you can not say salaam to brothers. I even went to say that we can speak to them formally, a little bit more than a salaam. But what you are talking about is, let me quote you:
". . . And then as u get close 2 him and know more about him,"
I am sorry but the woman can not get close to a man whom she wants to marry without a wali present, Trust me i wish it was that easy as well. I wish I was able to be able to talk to a man by myself but when I did that in the past it did nothing but tempt him and I had to leave him at the end because he was too into lust.
This is the rule, it can not be changed. Trust me, finding someone to marry is harder this way but this way is much more effective in having a lasting relationship. Take a look around you and see all the western women out there, assuming you live in the western states which I am not sure of, and all these heartbroken women "got close and wanted to know more" of these men. This resulted in premarital relationships and failed marriages in the future.
Please do not mislead these muslimas who read this, we will all have to answer to Allah(swt).
And I did not say anything about making a proposal of marriage the first time meeting him, that is unnatural and the woman needs to know more about someone they are willing to marry, which is why the wali is supposed to be present in this situation. This does not mean they can't meet more than once, they can meet more times if it is ok for all parties.
Pepper:
What if you don't have a father or brother to stand by your side each time you wish to speak to this person?
You also suggested an imam...Imam's lead prayers. They don't accompany women in their dealings with men.
Does this mean that if a woman sees a man that she is interested in, but does not have a "wali" in the traditional sense, she is out of luck and cannot get married?
In that case you can have a sister and her husband with you when you meet this man. You can not be alone with this man. This is not my rule. You can go to an islamic marriage support group, or a group of sisters together. If a muslim woman is interested in a man, she has to have someone there each and everytime they meet until they get married.
And as for the Imam, if he knows the man the muslima is interested in, he can help her. He does not only lead prayers, he does other things too such as giving lectures, etc. It does not have to be only him to do this, there are other options available as well.
I suggest you get as much information and support as you can, go to your local mosque or Islamic center. They will be able to educate you better than I can on this subject, since I am only saying the basic rule.
Astaghfirullah, If I am wrong please correct me. Allah knows best.
As-Salāmu `Alaykum brothers and sisters,
I sense some sort of hostility towards sister Pepper's reply.
Don't get me wrong it is always better to be informed and educated
Regarding any issue. However all sister Pepper is doing is reciting
Islamic law endowed to us by Allah lord of all things celestial. Why is it
That I am constantly finding in forums, brothers and sisters
Consistently questioning that which has been written in the one true
Holy book? Were are all on this Earth to achieve spiritual excellence
And every endeavor that we consider such as the one that has been
Brought upon yourself sister shall pass inshAllah with the guidance Allah.
Do not find yourself constantly questioning what is proper yet remember that Islam has a
Dimension proper to the body, mind and heart. So when you find yourself during
Difficult times make dua, have strong faith, and keep a high level of spiritual excellence.
Jazak Allahu Khayran
I love sister Pepper's reply. She stated the best, religiously most appropriate thing to do. Helped me decide to do the right thing in my situation. Someone who's already convinced of doing the opposite may not feel that way. And that's fine. Allah always finds a way to guide us. Sometimes through timely advice through someone, sometimes through heartbreak later on. May Allah bless you. And create more like you, sister 🙂