Careless father, what should we do?
Asalamu aleikum
I live in the UK and I am writing about my parents’ marriage and my father’s treatment of his family. My father is a very nice, charming and generous man to other people and everyone likes him, but when he is with his children and wife he is a very different man. He doesn't care about what happens in the household. My mother struggles to pay the rent, electricity, food and everything else we need. My mother currently doesn't have a job and gets unemployment benefits. My father makes more money than my mother but he does not support us. When we need something (like clothes, not expensive stuff) that our mother can’t afford, we have to ask him several times before he gives us money.
I remember Ramadan, some years ago, we were asking him for money to buy new clothes for Eid but he didn't give us any money so we had to be without clothes that Eid. It’s not like he doesn't have any money, he bought his sister new clothes for Eid that same year and told us about it. My mother didn't say anything. My mother is the most kind and caring person you will ever meet. She is very patient with my father. He mistreats her all the time and our family. It has been like this for several years now.
My father works all the time and when he comes home he stays for like an hour and half and then he goes out at night. We don’t know where he goes. He does not tell us. I get the feeling he does not want to spend some time with his family. When he comes home, at night, if he sees that I and my brothers are still awake he shouts at us.
I and my brothers we go to sleep earlier because we don’t want to anger him. The only reason we do that is because our mother taught us to respect our father when we were children. Our mother didn’t turn us against him despite how he treated her. I help out as much as I can financially but I am just a student. We all love our father but it seems like all he ever does is to pick fights with us and our mother. He hurts us very much emotionally. I often cry and pray, my mother deserves to be treated much better than this.
My father is friends with my uncles (my mother’s brother) ex-wife who constantly talks bad about my mother’s side of the family. When my mother tells him that my uncle’s ex-wife is no good he gets all defensive about her and shouts at my mother and me. I don’t understand it. Nobody can say anything about my uncle’s ex-wife. He always and I mean always sides with her.
I don’t know what to do about this situation.
OrangeBlossom
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i know how you feel my situation with my dad is always the same expect that he take's money from my mum without her knowing and takes money from my bank accounts which my mum saves i too am a student are you in university i am too my name is wasim mannan. sometimes my dad hides he's alcohol in my bedroom sometimes and i have to lie for him and say to mum i do not know where alcohol is hidden i do feel sad when he shouts at me my mum and sister so i too definitely know how you feel. i hope inshallah that you can get through this i too need your help lets be strong together bye have a nice day.
dear sister,
asaamalikum,
i can relate withyou. my father was the same. he is not alive anymore. ita shame but when he died i never shed a tear. i just didnt feel sad, i felt releived. i felt me and my family are finally free. i loved my dad and wanted him to be the dad that every daughter would like. i used to read how prophet mohammed was kind to Hazarat fatima and then i had this dad who would only verbally and physically abuse us.
i dont think you can change your dad, there is only so much you can do to change somones character or behaviour. the only thing in my hanad at that time was to concentrate on my studies become independant financially and emotionally. alhamdulillah , Allah granted me both and to all my family memebers.
my mom now lives with me , she doesnot want to remember a thing of the past. she is fianancially independant and started to love life. a long journey for her to enjoy simple things in life , like buying a new pair of shoes when the old ones are torn.
rememeber my sister, inshallah a time will come when you will be out of this phase of life as nothing lasts forever. dont worry about clothes and shoes just now, me and my brother used to go sunday market to buy old shoes and clothes and for fancy occasions i used to borrow it from my friends. but when i came to studies i made sure that i have all the resources available in the world, even if i had to borrow it from libraray or senior colleagues.
so the key to the way out is to study hard , be a professional, guard your vulnerability amd emotions, dont let lack of material resources worn you down , seek Allah for your emotional needs . inshallah you will always find Him beside you.
just becareful in the college, when we are so motonally vulnerable, a well deserved kind and respectful behaviour from a man can be easily taken as a substitute for the love we have missed fromour dads. becareful ! dont let any man take advantage of you . remeber the limits Allah has set for us. no relationships only marriage. i am telling you as a big sister who was in your shoes and didnt know how to gaurd my vulnerability and got emotionally exlploited by boys at university.
keep patience and keep praying, inshallah Allah will bring ease to you and your family.
All very good advice ma-sha-Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
All praise is to Allah ,who has promised us comfort and ease through rough times.
complement from you brother wael! i felt bit shy and embarrased.thank you.
MashaAllah.. A beautiful advice ..
Regards
Masha'Allah wise words sister friend, Sister blossom life is short and full of tests be your mothers joy make her happy and laugh smile, your father is a grown man you cannot control the way he is don't let his behavior or mood darken your house or your hearts, do your prays make plenty of dua for your father to Allah (swt) is the changer of hearts, and can i just say your ex aunt she has know place in your family so just ignore her and advise your mother to as well dont ever mention her,
jazakallah.
i totally forgot about this ex aunt .
sister blossom, you need to do the same ......totally forget about her. even if the suspicion is that she is having an affair with your dad ! your mom is intelligent woman, she has realised that she cant do anything to change her husband or get rid of this woman, she is now just concentrating on her kids. my mom had blocked my father out of her life so much that he used to say to me that your mom i think is deaf as what ever i say to her it doesnt effect her.
her happiness now is linked with her kids.....this is her coping machanism, so be like a friend to her, her companion , her source of happiness n laughter.
Allah is with you, just hang in strong there my girl!!!
My dad threat me to whoop my butt and I don,t know what to do
If you are still studying you can consult social workers and explain about this situation but if you are 21 and above you are ready to take a stage of being a father and support your younger brothers and sisters with mom, consult to the social workers I hope is where they can call you , mom and dad to seat down and resolve this issue