Fiancee and financial issues.
Love or Money
My fiancée is Masha Allah a practicing Muslim, during the time we got engaged he lost his job. He found a new job however, the pay it makes is not enough to support a wife. I found out that he supports his Mom with money.
His Mother works but, is not good at managing her money, she has become dependent upon him for her debts and being short for rent. He bought a car but, must share it with his siblings and Mom.
His siblings which are capable of working do not work or make enough to support their Mom. Additionally, he has no savings. He has a lot of the qualities I wanted in a husband but, is not financially stable. Should I wait and see what happens with his finances or should I move on? How long should I wait?
~ Goldcolorhijab
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As Salamualaikum,
Sister, the answer is with you and not any of us. It depends on how you value finances.
I categorize people into three categories for this.
1. Those for whom finance matters the most. They can't do a day without having enough money saved.
2. Those who value finance, but have patience in times of financial crunch.
3. Those who give no importance to finance, whatsoever. They like to enjoy life and work for the best result, instead of having to worry about money.
The answer you want depends on where you see yourself.
If you ask my personal opinion, responsibility is a part of life and finance is something that Allah Tests His Servants with, sometimes by giving in abundance, and sometimes by withholding. One needs to thank Allah in good times and have patience in bad times. This is something that brings tranquility in one's life.
In your situation, you said he has no savings and his mother is not good at managing money. If you can go to his home (of course, I mean get married and then go) and take on managing the money, with consultation from him and his mother, and also save money for whatever purpose you intend to save, what can be better?
The answer, as I said, is with you. So take the best decision with Allah's Guidance through Salatul Istikhaarah.
Wassalamualaikum
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaams,
I think you are wise to be weighing this aspect in considering your future with this man. I've heard that one of the top reasons couples have arguments and even divorce is due to money issues, so anticipating a potential problem that may not resolve itself on its own is the best way to circumvent stress down the road.
In your post, I see a lot of family dynamics that will directly affect you if you join this family. For one, you said his mother is not good at managing money. Chances are, she's probably disorganized in a lot of areas, and money is one of them. On the other side of that coin, your fiance has taken on the role of "saving the day" and taking care of her needs, all by himself. Unfortunately, by him doing so, his mother is never learning how to overcome her challenges and learn how to manage her money better. He is essentially helping her stay disorganized. He is hurting her more than he is helping her, so if he continues to do this even after your marriage, nothing will change. This will also be true if you end up (as brother Waseem proposed) taking charge of the finances....yes they might be better spent but it won't change the nature of his mother being dependent on others(she will depending on you now), and it won't change the nature of your fiance to be an enabler.
Patterns like this don't die easily. What confounds it more is the fact that the siblings are in a comfort zone of not helping and not working. Again, by continuing to take the sole responsibility for how everything works out, your fiance is only giving them reasons to keep doing what they've always done. Basically everyone is getting what they want out of this except perhaps your fiance, but apparently it's not bothering him enough to change things in a drastic way.
When you marry him, his first responsibility is going to be taking care of your needs over the rest of his family. Your father etc are no longer going to be held accountable for that, so if your husband doesn't come through for you, it will put you in a very untenable position indeed. Of course, this is exactly what you are trying to avoid, so this is what I would suggest:
REQUIRE him to do two things- tell him to put a certain amount in savings with each paycheck. That money will be the money he will use toward your maintenance when you two marry. Whatever he doesn't save, he can then use to support his family. When you do finally marry, then he will be already in the habit of spending toward your marriage first, and them second. Of course, he probably won't be saving the exact amount it will cost to maintain you (that would be ideal if he could), but it will be much better for him to increase it slightly by saving something then to start altogether once the nikkah is over.
The second thing he absolutely has to do is find a way to get his siblings involved in his mother's maintenance. There is no valid reason, even islamically, why he should be carrying that entire burden himself. He should make some type of ultimatum where they each must work (the men, not the ladies per se) and contribute a portion to her needs. If he has any sisters, it would be ideal if they sit with their mother and try to teach her how to manage her money better so she won't continue to need someone else to do it.
I would ask him to do both of these BEFORE the nikkah. If he succeeds at meeting both these requirements, you have a chance of having a happy marriage without having to worry about the issues you are seeing now.
However, if he refuses to comply with these simple and reasonable requests, or otherwise shows himself incapable of following them through, then that should be a fistful of red flags for you to go ahead and cut things off before you find yourself in a marriage where this dilemma becomes the neverending story. The last thing you want is to wind up pregnant and needing things for the baby which your husband is unwilling or incapable of providing....let alone your own needs.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Good advice sister amy!
Seems to me your only thinking about yourself and what will benefit you. You do have to share things with family and siblings family chores are important too. when you marry that person they come with their family whether you like it or not, that's the package on both sides.
Why should someone support you, YOU should support yourself no one provides another person to stay home while the other works, you have to work hard for yourself too.
If you are not happy with the situation then dont marry him because i personally think money is not everything and why should it matter you should get up and earn it yourself and there is no time limit in how long you should wait, it depends how you see the situation and what is best for you.
Sister samina what are you saying here?? Your advice is not islamic nor does it make any sense. This sister has every right to her husband to be wages/income. Its the husbands duty given by Allah swt to provide food, shelter and clothing for his wife. The wife shouldent have to support herself financially. Sister amy has given some excellent advice above. alot of marraiges ends in divorce due to money problems/ financial disputes between couples.
I disagree with you Islamic point of view yes the man should provide BUT how many people see men do these days provide NONE no one can support anyone these days. I have seen so many muslims who have married abroad and those people supported their wives/husband to extend that they have left them once they got their nationality green card.
A woman should stand on her own feet to get some sort of income so you dont face any financial difficulty it shouldn't all be down to the man to deal with, you as a woman should look at your future too and your intentions should be pure not all about money. Allah made us women equal to men and even more women are given all rights but one shouldn't take advantage of this.
I agree with your last sentence alot of marraiges ends in divorce due to money problems/ financial disputes between couples, then they should not marry that person, they themselves should earn and secure themselves in a better position so they dont ever get in money issue.
Sister Samina,
What you are talking about is the western culture where both men and women work and contribute 50/50 to the household expenses and they also share the housework 50/50. It works out well for them if they are both happy with this arrangement. They both are independent and both share the family responsiblities. This can also work in a muslim family. But unfortunatly it does not ALWAYS work out! As in ISLAM it is the responsibility of the husband to provide financially for wife and kids and it is the wife's responsibilty to run the household i.e cooking cleaning looking after children etc. This is 50/50 too. With the men and woman looking after diffrent aspects of family life. However the wife can work if she wants to and have a career.
But I find that in most muslim households where the wife works the husband ends up contributing less money for the household expenses as he believes his wife is working therefore he has an easy ride and she should pay more and also the husband is adament not to do any housework as he knows that islamically it is the role of the wife. Therefore the wife ends up paying for most of the bills and doing all the housework and looking after the children while the husband does NOTHING for his family. The wife is bearing all the burden. So for a muslim women to seek independence and not rely on the husband is actually giving her a disadvantage. She is actually being ripped off by the husband as the husband relies on her for EVERYTHING.
I am talking from experience I have been through this with my husband. I have given away my rights given by Allah (Husband providing for me) and tried to be independent and take any money from my husband. Then I ended up paying for everything and doing everything when he did jackall! Now I am regretting it and thinking I should have asked for my rights!. It is better to demand your rights to keep the husband in line.
Sister Goldhijab,
I think you need to have a long discussion with your hubby as sister Amy explained. And make sure you let him understand that he is liable to provide for you now after marriage and ask him how he plans to go about it. Explain to him how you want the household to be run i.e 50/50 in bills and housework, or you doing the housework and him providing.
Hope all goes well inshallah.
@sumira I am sorry about your struggle and I have seen these cases as well, it’s a shame you allowed your husband to walk over you to an extend that he see's you a golden ticket you, may allah make it easy for you.
It is a culture that we don't have a choice in we have to do what we have to do to earn a halaal living, there is no point to limit your options in life. I have seen good and bad points but it all goes down to the couple to decide. What I am now seeing is people marry people who have money which is what may have happened in your case and it became an addiction to your husband. Sometimes people need to stand there ground and having a solution in place does get you somewhere, again I hope that you find a way to solve your issues with your husband. May allah always protect you from any difficulty you face amen.