Husband abuses me verbally, how can I make him stop?
Angry man.
Asalamualekum,
I am a mother of 2 girls and married for 4 years. My husband and i had a good relationship until my kids were born and after that due to my mother in law high interfarence everything started getting bad. my husband believed what she told and dats how he slowly started losing his trust in me.
i tried alot to prove my self but i couldnt gain in trust. Gradually he became verbally abusive and started comparing me with other women of his family coz his mother always did that.
we had good days too.. but on our vacation abroad he started telling me about an old aquaintance of his n whom he has not met for years n kept praising abt how she raises her kids n kept tellin me what a loser i am. though i try my best to raise my kids and everyone praise me for handling twins with such patience, but he never realises that.
so we got into an argument which ended up in a physical abuse n he hit me, which dislocated my arm.. it took me months to come over that.. his father n my father really taunted him on that n he was sorry too...
life kept goin and now after an year, he has started using abusive language too and once he warned me that if i ever get angry at my kids he will hit me .. i remined him if he did that again, i am not gona stay a day with him..
but i dont understand why he is always complaining about me not respectful to him? i do all things for him, he never does nething at home. never ever. i dont get any help from him in anything even if am dead tired and if he asks me for anyting even in the middle of the night i never say no but he is never happy wid me. he calls me with bad names etc.
i tried asking me when he is calm why he does that but he loses his temper and it again turns into a verbal abuse... i really feel as if he is using me n thinks as if i am his kids maid. please tell me how to get over this situation.
is there any way out i can slowly get him out of this bad language habit? is there ne way i can regain his trust or make him happy?
- Mrs. RM
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My dear sister RM,
My heart goes out to you. I know you love this man deeply and have invested 4 years of your life with him. You share a home and children BUT the VERBAL ABUSE IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
He is an abusive person, you cannot do anything to improve, its you who should be demanding him to improve. This is called the cycle of abuse, he blames you, hits/or verbally assults/ says he is really sorry and that he loves you and the whoop he does it gain and starts abusing. Over and over and over again. Its part of the abuse to make you feel worthless and dependent on him, so that he can keep abusing you.
Listen to me sister, you have dignity and respect, and you would not let anyone treat you the way he is treating you. I really suggest that you start to feel that he needs to change, and demand boundaries. Its not okay for him to call you names, not okay for him to touch you in a violent way. Is this how you want your children to be raised? Is this a good demonstraton of how a marraige should be? Do you want your children growing up feeling that violence and insulting people is just a part of regular life? IF he can break you arm, will he break your children"s arms?
When you say you are contemplating separtion and threaten him, then do it. Becuase if you keep making empty threats, he is not going to beleive you.
Sister, I really suggest you make a safety plan:
1) Is there anyone you know that you can trust to go to if you need to leave home? Parents, friends, a womens shelter?
2) Put all your documents in an easy place- so that if you need to leave in a hurry you know where they are.
3) Get a job so that if you are leaving- you are able to make an income and leave the person who is abusing you.
4) find a day care that has spots and see if they can take your kids incase you have to leave home and get a job
5) look for an affordable living space if you are planning to move out
Sister, the way he is treating you is crossing all boundries, you are an adult and in a partnership, he has no right to be abuse you. I know you love him, but love is not supposed to hurt. take care of yourself, and your kids and get out before he hurts you physically again. He needs a reality check that he cant treat women this way.
I wish you all the best sister, and my sincere advice is to leave him, because he does not know how to contorol his behaviour and treat you with respect.
Allah knows best. Pray , Make due and may Allah make your situation easy for you sister.
Samira
These are the different types of abuse sister-
http://www.domesticviolenceinfo.ca/article/types-of-emotionsl-abuse-255.asp
I suggest you call a local women's hotline to help you with resources in your area.
Slm Sister,
I too have twins and I know the amount of effort it requires to raise twins especially with no help (nanny or otherwise).
It may be that ur husband got used to the attention he got from you before ur twins were born. Now u barely close ur eyes before ur babies need you again which besides leaving u exhausted means you have no attention to spare. This is ofcourse no excuse for his treatment of you.
The only way to change the situation is to make him understand that his behaviour is unacceptable. If talk and action do not prompt him to change his ways then my sister you need to build the courage to change it for yourself, even if that means raising ur babies alone (which shudnt be a problem as ur already doing it)
My dear sister, I wish we could trade email addresses to offer each other more advice. I wish you all the strength and courage.
Salam sister,
i dont know in which part of the world u live but places in India,Pakistan,Bangladesh it's a common scenario that mother in law will b interfering n commenting might even tell something to her son n he'll pour all his anger on his wife...im not commenting on ur mother in law but i think its fact as they get old n want attention or mix things up by forgetting n say..sister as u said he listens to his mother n believes,..(aldou im not married but i've seen in other married couple's life) i advice u to have a very good relationship with ur mother in law..just win her heart..try sharing things with her, laugh, go to places try buying her favorite things..that might solve ur problem to some extent..if that doesnt change ur husband's behaviour leave his home n live in ur father's place so that he misses u n then u explain it hard to live with him..even after it fails try involving ur parents n talk in gentle manner or otherwise he'll ambush u when ur home with him for involving parents in such a vigorous manner(if u do that instead of being gentle) ..if all fails..i think u should do what sister Samira suggested..
good luck n may Allah forgive me if i have suggested anything wrong n may ALLAH bless u n ur family n remove all agony n hardship from ur life:)
what i belive that he is suspecting over ur loyalty and faith towards him, he might think that u r not faithful to him , try to ask him if that is the reason .....
regards
salamualaikun, I feel for you and i know what u a passing through
(Remainder of comment has been deleted. Sister T, please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)
Thanks Sister Samira.I have to agree with you on this one.
Salam Dear,editor
It been a while since I last got a post from your site I dont know what the problem is.I really like to comtinue gettting your post becouse this site helps me alots.
Salam