I don’t love my husband
Asalam Alaykium Wa Rahmatullah Wa Barakullah my sliblings in Islam, In sha Allah you all are well and in good health by Allah’s grace.
I am new to here; I want to post here my difficult situation because I am seeking your advice.
I am married alhamdulilah but my husband never to makes me feel good about myself, I always feel like as if I am not good wife or not good enough to him. We were having arguments every day, I feel bad because he loves me very much but I don’t love him anymore. He knows I don’t love him, and yet he want to keeping me.
I asked him why he won’t divorce me and he said because he knows he can change me. It is hard to obey my husband. I know in Islam, wife must obey her husband, but my husband doesn’t understand me at all that’s why we always have argument non-stop. He used to talk about four wives and that hurt me so deeply. I give up and tell him to get second wife etc but he refused because he knows it will be bad if my family knows about this.
Second, He is very upset that I won’t be able to get horny for him at bed but I can’t because I don’t love him anymore. I feel so bad & guilty for him as I know, in Islam it is important to satisfy husband’s sexual desire but I can’t. I feel like I want to stop all of it and I want to be happy like we first married. Romance is dying. What should I do?
Jaka’Allah khairu
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im Dealing with the same problem 🙁
Salam sister.. sisters.. Well, this is Kind of hard. But based from your post, you stated that you did Love him when you first get married right? So what was it about him that you Love? Maybe you need to rekindle/remember all those things again. And I'm curious, how was your relationship with him like before you were married? Because honestly, in case like this, the couple usually was involved with pre-marital relationships that are Highly forbidden.. you knows, dates and uncontrolled social activities, and then after a long time, when they decided to get marry, they married, and then they found out they don't love each other any more. In this case, I think it's because the oh-so-called love before marriage was just the act of syaitan. Anyway I hope it's not the case with you, but I would love to know more, to diagnose this problem better. Well, you are right about one thing, as a wife, it's your duty and responsibility to love your husband. That's your ticket to Jannah, so you have to keep it close. You really have to start to care again for your husband. They often say you won't love someone whom you know nothing about. So why don't you get to know him as a person. His childhood, his secrets, his dreams, his disappointments, everything. This will make you feel 'awwwww' and love your husband more Enshallah. This is the time to go on dates, go ice skating, or to the park, romantic walk at the beach, star gazing.. Get to know your husband. Be interested, even if you are not, just pretend at first, I'm sure you will be interested later on. I think you are lucky to be married with some one who loves you and you once loved. It's not easy to get that. And he sounds like a very patient guy. About the idea of marrying more than one girl, I think that's just to get you to love him more. Because once you love him and he sees that, I'm sure he will drop this idea.
About your 2nd problem, I think once you love him, that will come naturally, so no worries..
Allah knows best.
Asalam o alikum...this is my first time to post.. im so depressed..my husband is a good guy...before married he use to tell me .. he love me alot n this n that...but after we got married we started fighting on some issues n thn i felt that he started to ignore me..never tell or share anything with me..even i he stopped loving me but even after all this i thought that may he has started a new business thatz y he is very busy n tired al the time n wantz to sleep..but now itz 3 year n when ever i go to him he just oush me back that let me sleep or this is not the right time..mayb once a month he touches me..he never comes to me n love me..he just dont understand me at all or i think he dont want to understand me..im 21 years old n my husband is 27..ive 1 daughter..shez 1 yearz old..dayz pass n he doont lve me or even try to understand what i want or treat me lovely or even showz care for me..if i cry he just say keep quite never comes n hugz me or try to find out y am i depressed..n even some time im crying he sayz stop crying u r hurting my ears :(..i use to love him n i think still i do because i think girl r like this when they love sum 1 they do it with by heart n deep n cant hate them but can get depressed n depressed ..i want to dry because as far as i remeber ive never got the trust love care honesty in any relation of my life berfore married n now after married i thought that every thing will be now perfect because he use to say he will lve me alot n will alwayz keep me happy but i think im only crying n crying..he just dont get he how sensitive i am..i would have given him divorce but i dont want to b a burden for my parents thay r very old..n i cant start my own life because im just high school 🙁
Well sweet heart you need to stop chasing him. Start to live you life look after you child. Spend time with friends and famliy. Dress in nice clothes wear make up. When you stop crying you will be more confident. Trust me he will soon want to be with you. Stop begging him. Play like you don't care. Please don't say you will be a burden on your parents. Be strong if you have Allah you don't need no body. Plus they is people whos husband died what do they do? Sorry to be so hard you have to be strong. Don't let any man make you ferl like that.
Asalamualykum..i dnt knw how to explain but right now m so depressed n pissed off with my life...m 26 right now n my husband is 32.we hv been married frm 3yrs..n when i strt discuss this problem i start crying like hell ..even right now also my tears are dropping out.. we met through matrimonial site every thing is gd n seems normal. Parents n family is very happy with everything, my husband is very caring n romantic. But when we get married everything is chnaged with in 6 months..he dnt let me work even though we both live alone in dehli..no in laws here n there is no interferance or attachment to inlaws with me or with my husband too...no family relation i could see between anyone in his family...my husband dnt hv tym for love for outing for romance not even sex..frm last 2yrs m putting effort every single day even though my own feelings are dead but m trying to keep this marriage strong becoz i rly dream so much for us..he doesnt touch me from last 7months n when i tell him this problem he said i dnt luk charming anymore..after our marrige i went through some harmonal issues i get sick becoz that harmonal imbalance.since than i work so hard for my health,looks,weight...but i dnt knw wat he want...he dnt want kids either..if i ask to plan a baby then he got angry....m very joyfull person n he is just opposite even though some tym i m talking to him n laughing by my ownself n he is kept busy with his phn...the priority is money n work for him...i scarifies my 3yrs for this relation n dnt work becoz he needs me but when i needs him he is nvr here,if i discusss he laughed n said u r mad got to a psychatrist u need it.. u r dreamer i cnt be ur dream man...wat i rly ask him for only his time n attention..but he nvr notice my depression..i really dnt hv any sexual feelings for him now..not even i want him to touch me...i still want to keep this maariage but nothing will go like in the begginning..wat should i do..m thinking to find out a job for me n leave his house.. becoz i hv done everything discussions,romance,crying infront of him,everything u suggest in ur above post to other sisters..m really goung through so much plz help me i dnt want to be mad in real...
Hi I know this is old comment but you literally describe my life! So what's happened now r u happy? Inshallah u are
Wasalam alaykium
JakaAllah khairu for respond , readers. Sister , this is hard , innt ?
JakaAllah khairu for took a lot of your time to write to me Alhamdulilah. I'm going to answer. Your questions now.
I know my hubby for a long time, we were very good friend then become best friend. What I really like about him is that he taught Islam to me and I become practice as a muslimah Alhamdulilah if it wasn't for him. I won't practice as a muslimah , I would be astray from the straight path. Anyway we used to do things together once we first married we were so happy before friends messed up our marriage , long story. We are stronger to make it worse but my hubby never take my feelings so seriously. That's why I feel like as if he don't make me feel like I'm not good for him. I don't know if devil satan whispers to me.
How funny after I posted thread then later on I started to feeling miss my hubby, its a good sign mashaallah.
Sorry I made mistakes in the previously post as I was typing from my phone interenet.
*me & hubby are stronger to make it work not worse
missing some one is definitely a good sign.. sounds to me, like you just need to spend more time with him. well, we'll see what the scholars replies.. enshallah 🙂
JakaAllah khairu, yeah that's what I was very surprised. I will wait for respond from sheikhs in sha Allaah.
Salam
are you sure your not playing joke on me? because this is my life :/ ugh. "he doesn't make you feel good about yourself, he loves you so much?" i don't get it?? maybe go out for a dinner, movie,etc. To me i don't believe in kindle or find the chemistry you once had because I'm trying with my marriage and its not working :/ but InshAllah it will for you 2.
I'm not playing a joke otherwise I won't post here. He said he loves me but he do not to take me out etc . Like I said Romance is dying. In sha Allah everything will be alright for you ? Jks
salam sis,
howlong have u been married for? was it an arranged marriage or a love one? why r u considering divorce already? is it bekoz he doesn't make u feel goodor compliment u or...or wht exactly?
Wasalam alaykium
A year, it was loved marriage. Just because I feel like I'm not good wife. I don't know.
Walaikumsalaam sister,
I read your title and thought it was a forced/arranged marriage which you didnt agree to, and so decided to let others post in such matters, however after reading through your post i believe i can help you regain that love insha'Allah.
The key to succesful relationships is love, and love is a bond that is impossible to break unless it is broken by infidelities or such things, however love can be lost and this for most people is mistaken for the end of the road in the relationship, but one must remember marriage is a journey of highs and lows and one cannot leave at the first sight of trouble, instead one must embrace the challenge and reach highs once more.
The power of speech has and will forever be powerful in all situations, and in your situation it will finally be the determining factor, from how i interpret the situation your husband loves you but has lost the meaning of 'love' and instead has taken you for granted, your are a women and you want to feel wanted and special yet this man treats you normal and dosent arouse you and make you feel good, this affects you psychologically and you feel 'unwanted', 'unloved' and almost taken for granted, in this state your body reflects your psychological state and you dont feel aroused or sexy, hence your inability to feel aroused.
So when you are psychologically down, and feel this way your mood changes vastly and you feel its easy to fight and its easy to get hurt, what may have been a laughable joke at some time becomes into a hurtful comment, because of your state of mind and its insistence that everything your husband says is negative, and that he does not make you feel wanted. So you fight with him alot and all you are doing is taking this 'low' of the marriage and pushing it further down, and he also reacts to these vibes and so the atmosphere is hostile inside your household.
Despite all of this, and including the fact he is not sexually satisfied he still says he loves you, why because as i said before he has the feeling inside him but has lost the ability to show these emotions and feelings, key word being 'lost' because as you said when you first met him it was all great and you experienced the high of marriage, as time went you became usual for him and he failed to acknowledge you properly.
The solution to your problem is simple but requires patience and energy from both of you, now in order to repair the foundations you became a couple on you need to re-visit the good times, take your husband to where you first met and talk about how special it was and how you felt so warm inside, and how he made you feel 'special' and 'beutiful' smile as you talk and make contact by touching his hand and then moving back. tell him of how you dont want to fight and how you want things the way they were before, tell him that you want him to make you feel 'sexy' and 'excited' like you did before( men take note of what arouses their women, and it becomes a sub-conscious response to repeat the words or behaviour over time).
He should respond by changing how he talks, and slowly being more nice but i must stress that you must lay your emotions on the table when you visit that place, tell it from the heart so he feels it and only then will he change, as he starts being nice and changes, start doing fun things together which seem silly but are great at building up the emotional response and moreso your mindset, i give you some personal examples, share a cake with your husband but instead of him eating it, you feed him it and vice-versa when he feeds you look into his eyes and get that connection, you will start feeling good about yourself and start losing the stress hormones.
As you become more relaxed, move things up a notch and make what seems common into something special, dress up for your husband in something that makes you feel good about yourself and also makes your husband sexually aroused, however play a game with him, tell him he cant touch you until he makes you smile, at this point he will pay you compliments of a huge amount and your mind will process these and make your body feel good, as he uses words such as 'sexy' or something of that nature, you will start getting aroused because you brain will psychologically feel aroused and send the signals to your body in turn you will become highly sexually aroused. Once at this stage engage alot of time into foreplay, make him touch and play with you, until you both become so aroused that you cannot hold back anymore, whisper 'i love you' to him and at this point he will say the same back, and now you know the foundation of the husband and wife love bond is back. take a shower with him and make him understand that this fun isbecause he changed, and made you feel 'wanted', again the male brain will store this information and will repeat this behaviour, and so you will get more compliments and your body in turn will feel more aroused on regular occasions, its important to have regular sex because it reduces tension, stress and keeps the emotions of love flowing, and so once you re-establish your connection with your husband, i am confident insha'Allah it will only ever grow.
Finally, this may or may not work with you and your husband but i will mention it nevertheless, what i do with my wife is we have this thing where each partner has their day, so saturday is my day and wednesday is hers, and the other partner does most of the work while one relaxes, it helps reduce stress and the bond becomes stronger as each partner gets a rest and also appreciates the others help, its worth a try it may help or not.
All the best i hope you work things out with your husband insha'Allah,
Wasalam Alaykium brother
JakaAllah khairu for beauitful written masha'Allah you give me a boost alhamdulilaaah! I will do it, such a good idea. May Allah swt rewards you for give me beauitful adive, I enjoyed to read your respond, some of what you said is veryyy true. SubnaAllaah! I really dont want to give up my marriage only because of my 'feelings' sometimes I feel like Satan whispers and said your hubby treated you as if your not good enough etc i thought divorce is the only solution to my problem. But your respond is very helpful and useful alhamdulilaaah.
JakaAllaah Khairu !
Can Someone Please Help Me Befor i kill myself 🙁
MuslimahAngel, If you are dealing with the same problem as you said, did you not benefit from the advice given?
If your situation is different and you need specific advice, please log in and write your question as a separate post, as we have told you before. You will be answered soon, Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam.Can you please help.I am Somewhat in the same situation n dont know what to do..
your not his property and he can't keep you in the marriage.
sorry i dont understand?
Mine is Worst and i stop everything i fight day
and night with husband parents i even had siezures and eplapsy and im Stressed
i will post my Problem soon as of right now im at work do how do i post my own thing 🙂
Go to the home page and click on the link to register. follow instructions and then you can post, your question should get answered inside 2 weeks insha'Allah.
click the link below:
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/wp-login.php?action=register
I have been married since 6 years, have 2 children. But i could never feel love for my husband. He is very short tempered. He is egoistic and very abusive. It has scarred me for life i feel. I feel so helpless. When he is in good mood, he would shower me with so much of love but i am never able to reciprocate it as there are so many things that i carry in my heart that bothers me. Whenever i share those things, he retaliates in a way you can not even imagine, by cursing and abusing me and my parents in the worst possible way. He would keep me happy as long as i keep doing what he likes. The minute i decide to take stand for my feelings, he would start abusing and hitting me. He gives the worst possible abuses to my parents. It hurts me. His parents ask me to be quite and do exactly as he asks me to do. I feel so suffocated. Once my father tried to take stand for me and kind pf scolded him last year. To this day, he keeps on repeating the things he said and abuses him and me. Im not allowed to visit my parents and they are not allowed to visit or call me. I feel like giving up but i have 2 children and a very less paying job. Help me please. Guide me what should i do.
He has a big issue. Very disrespectful to your and your parents. If he can be like that with your parents then this man will never change. You don’t have to stay with him. You can leave him and stay at your parents with your kids. Not sure which country you live but there are big support and resources for single parents to get on their feet. Your are living in hell and your children will think this is normal to act abusive.
May Allah swt helps u In sha Allaaah
thank You
I am very happy with my hubby Alhamdulilah, my love is increased for him Alhamdulilah. Thanks Allah for this vet helpful website may Allah swt rewards u Ameen
Alhumdulilah! So pleased to hear it.
May Allah swt fill your lives with Barakah and give you both happy marriages!
Ameen
x
Sara IslamicAnswers.com Editor
JakaAllah khairu. If it wasn't for this website, my marriage would have gone so worse Alhamdulilah
JakaAllah khairu & Ameen to your du'a
P.s. I have post other thread for my friend but it hasn't pending yet ?
Yes it is pending. It is in a small queue currently so it will be published within the next couple of days InshaAllah.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu-Alaikum,,sarah91..
u may find my queation odd but plz dnt get angry or disturbed.i really want to know the present situation if your marriage bcz when i heard patch up between husband and wife,,i like it very much.
its my humble request that u inform me.
As salam alaikum all,
am going through same situation as above like i lost ma hopes
(Remainder of comment has been deleted).
correction * he went back to uk i stay with my parents bqz without ruksati i cnt live with him accoring to our culture and rule.
i am in a bad situation! i no my wife cares for me but she does nt desire me 1 bit!
(Remainder of comment has been removed. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)
Asalam O Alaikum,
My situation is too critical. Let me start from the beginning.
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Sister
Please log in and ask this question in a separate post. That way we can give it our full attention.
Also, the questions are handled i the order receive, but they usually move through quickly.
AmericanMuslim
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
my wife never appreciates what i do for her she will talk during the day but at night she says am tired am not well its been happening for the past couple of weeks i dont understand why she does this i love her very much i show her my love i just dont know what to do and to be honest am getting fed up of this now she ignores me most of the time i love her i show it to her i say it to her i do everything for her then why she does this to me ??? and now i sleep on a seperate bed but i cant sleep thinking im doing wrong but i feel that my wife doesnt want me to sleep wiv her she doesnt make me feel that what i do the way i love her the way i do things with her it makes me feel that she doesnt love me she doesnt want me anymore it may be just me thinking that but it really hurts me when she ignores me and doesnt let me hug her at night and she turns away and sleeps i said to her if she doesnt want sex i wont have it but she still ignores me and turns around and sleeps why what wrong have i done? i love her too much is that what wrong am doing am caring for her is that wrong am doing am showing her that am there for her when she needs me is that wrong am doing please answer as am really fed up i cant take it anymore please reply jazaq allah.
my wife doesnt allow me to sleep with her anymore is this permitted and how long when you dont sleep together your nikkah is ended please reply back jazaq allah
Just catch her hands, go sit on a sofa and start the conversation regarding your problems. Ask her if she's got some pain/infections/disease in her private part ? Ask her if she dislikes you ? Ask her if you're doing it hard on her ? Etc Basically ask her what the problem maybe ?.
Her rebellious behavior or otherwise has to stop. Our Prophet has given stern warning for women like her. She needs to open up and explain her problem. If she is persistent with no reason, then you may divorce her if you wish. Even if you don't sleep together for 80 yrs, the divorce wouldn't come automatically. Ask Allah for help and guidance. May Allah open her mind and heart.
my mum just said to my wife why you making my son work and she didnt tell me to do anything i was helping her myself i love to help her because shes my life and wife i love her i think helping her may increase love for me in her heart i'm trying very hard not to upset her but she got upset over this i dont know why fair enough shes my mum but why say that to her even if she tells me to do something for i dont mind i feel proud to help her shes not talking to me i know shes hurt but i didnt do anything to her this what hurts me fair enough if i did sumthing to her and she didnt talk its understandable but i talk to her i do everything to her that she feels i love her shes safe with me i want her to feel as i am her comfort and peace i dont want to lose her and 1 more thing please when a women is pregnant could it be because of that, that she isnt talking to me or getting upset over little little things????
Its very unfortunate. Know that she may be suffering from something. I hardly think that she is doing it delibrately. Try your best to find a solution by making her explain. I guess, she may be suffering from ' mood swing ' where many people suffer in silent. Mood Swings may be caused due to:
- 1. Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
ADHD has no cure; suffering patients have to cope with their condition, feeling frustrated by the second. Many people go through life with ADHD without even being diagnosed. Feelings of inadequacy and inability to cope cause depression, resulting in erratic mood swings.
2. Bipolar Disorder
Patients with Bipolar Disorder suffer mood extremes. They react with sadness to a glad situation and gladness to a sad situation, as they are unable to adjust their mood to suit the occasion appropriately.
3. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPS)
Patients suffering from BPS are unable to maintain any stable relationships due to turbulent emotions about themselves and others.
4. Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED)
People with IED can explode into extreme, uncontrollable anger and are capable of greatviolence without actually meaning harm.
5. Depression
Depression causes extreme mood swings, happy one moment, hysterical the other and immeasurably sad again.
6. Substance Abuse
People who are addicted to drugs, smoke or alcohol find that they experience weird and unexpected mood swings. Their addiction makes them crave release often, which takes them away from life’s priorities. Being forced to be a part of the real world causes them to feel alternately depressed and angry.
7. Chemical Imbalance
When the brain’s production of neurotransmitters such as serotonin, GABA, dopamine and norepenephrine is affected, mood swings result. People alternately experience feelings such as depression, anxiety, happiness, stress and fear.
8. All Forms Of Dementia
Dementia is marked by rapid mood swings along with diminished thinking abilities along with reduced capacity for action.
9. Brain Tumors
Mild to severe mood swings can occur depending on the location of the brain tumorwithin the brain.
10. Side Effects Of Medication
Certain medications can cause temporary mood swings, such as hormone replacement therapy.
11. Head Injury
Injuries to the head can cause personality problems, attention disorders, lowered concentration levels and intense mood swings.
12. Menopause
Women experience extreme mood swings during menopause. These are caused by hormonal transitions. Estrogen influences theproduction of serotonin, the mood regulatingneurotransmitter. Lowering levels of estrogen affects the production, causing sadness and depression. As such, a woman’s self-esteem goes down as her reproductive years end, adding to her erratic mood swings.
13. Puberty
As kids enter their adolescence, they experience physical, emotional and psychological changes that cause disruption in their normal ways of life. Both boys and girls are prone to mood swings, feelings of inadequacy, of being misunderstood and so on.
14. Pregnancy
Pregnancy causes hormonal swings in a woman’s body, with peaking and lowering estrogen levels. Added to this is a woman’s lowered physical self-esteem due to the changes in her body and her inability to perform her usual tasks. Some women become high strung, emotional alternating between weepy and happy states of mind.
15. Stress
People who suffer continuous stress can experience mood swings along with a feelingthat no one understands how hard they’re trying. Sometimes stress can lead to psychological issues and extreme behavior.
Is she praying 5 times ? Is she talking to you normally ? Do you have kids ? If yes, whats her behavior towards them ? Is she upset with you only when on bed or regularly ?
no she does not pray at all neither she reads the quran i read 1 namaz a day she doesnt talk normally at all with me she is expecting its been only 9 weeks she is upset during the day but at night time she doesnt talk or anything she just ignores me and pretends shes a sleep and when i fall aslepp a few hours later she goes asleep after me she fights and argues with me is there any dua which could accure this
Oh both you and your wife's religious duties are awful. Your marriage I guess is void of Allah's blessing, mercy, guidance and help and so therefore, I wouldn't rule out the possibility of ' blackmagic '. Other possibility is that she might have some disease or sickness. Bring in mediators from among your and your wife's family. Discuss with eveyone your marital issues. Make your wife spit out her problems whatever it maybe and she must not sit silent and act like evrything is fine when you are clearly a victim now. Get a medical check up to she if she is mentally stable.
Why don't you both perform salat ? Why are you negligent ? If you both keep on ignoring religious duties, Allah will soon make your heart hard and your life real hard. Take heed. Salat is the first question asked on day of judgement. Salat is the difference between believers and non believers. Abandoning salat will only send you and your wife to hell. Stern warning indeed.
Get some imam to help your wife. Recite surah Nas and surah Falaq always. Also surah Yaseen and the last 10 verses of surah Al Baqarah. Pray regulary all the 5 prayers. Make sincere tawbah and Ask Allah to have mercy on you. Persuade your wife to start praying too. Recite these du'as-
اللَّهُمَّ اهْدِنِي فِيمَنْ هَدَيْتَ ، وَعَافِنِي فِيمَنْ عَافَيْتَ ، وَتَوَلَّنِي فِيمَنْ تَوَلَّيْتَ ، وَبَارِكْ لِي فِيمَا أَعْطَيْتَ ، وَقِنِي شَرَّ
مَا قَضَيْتَ ، فإِنَّكَ تَقْضِي وَلا يُقْضَى عَلَيْكَ ، وَإِنَّهُ لا يَذِلُّ مَنْ وَالَيْتَ ، وَلا يَعِزُّ مَنْ عَادَيْتَ، تَبَارَكْتَ رَبَّنَا وَتَعَالَيْتَ
Allaahumma ihdini feeman hadayt
wa ‘aafini feeman ‘aafayt
wa tawallani feeman tawallayt
wa baarik li feema a’tayt
wa qini sharra ma qadayt
innaka taqdi wa la yuqda ‘alayk
wa innahu laa yadhillu man waalayt wa laa ya’izzu man ‘aadayt tabaarakta Rabbana wa ta’aalayt lakal-hamdu 'ala ma qadait, wa laka shukru 'ala ma a'tait, mas-taghfiruka. Allahumma min jamee'i dhunubi wal khataaya, wa natubu ilaik
O Allah! Guide me among those You guide. Grant me health and pardon among those You grant health and pardon, look after me among those You look after, grant me grace in what have given me, and protect me from the evil of what you have ordained; for You decree and none decrees against You, and none is abased whom You befriend. And none is exalted whom You are at enmity with. O our Lord, who is above all things sacred and exalted, all praise is Yours for what you decree. I ask Your forgiveness and turn to You in repentance.
-"Rabbi innee limaa anzalta ilayya min khayrin faqeer"
[My lord, I am in absolute need of the good You send me]
-"Rabbana aatina fi'd dunya hasana wa fi'l aakhirati hasana wa qina `adhab an-nar."
[O Lord! Grant us good in this life, and good in the next, and save us from the torment of the Fire]
Mash Allah all replys are so beautiful
Hiya, I had arranged marriage with my husband it has been nearly 4 years.
Sairah, please log in and write your question as a separate post, thanks.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asalam o alikum this is is my first time posting on here. I've been married for 14 years during first year of my marriage I had a lot of problems with my husband and my mother in law for honour sake I put up with a lot even though my mother in law doesn't like me at all accirding to my husband. I have 3 children now my youngest one is 4 years old while I was pregnant with my last child my husband behaviour changed he was always aggressive arguing with me for very silly reason Would snap at little things I then knew something wasn't right I approached him few times saying why you changed so much his response was its all in your head I haven't changed he had changed sexually towards me that's when I clicked after having the baby still continued we don't have much communication at all we could b sitting in the same room and no communication at all when I do try to talk to him he doesn't seem to listen half of the time we like complete stranger it hurts me knowing i can't share or discuss things with him he's not interested. One day I seem a sum card in his car hidden under the car matt that's when I started to suspect something's not right do I used that SIM card wot I seen was msgs from some girl and also video oh her n him sexually I was shocked but I kept very calm told my family about it they said let it be all men's mess about out there so I didn't get no support from them after a week I approached my husband he was very confident n laughing away saying he's never been involved with any women but when I showed him the video he was in a shock n said its all my fault because I wasn't fulfilling his need he also said its choice now you do what ever you want I won't say anything he begged me for forgiveness therefore I forgive for my children sake told him this is your last chance but i didn't wanna go to bed with him as every time I would get flash back of the video I had to force myself to have sex with him I would cry from inside my love for him was gone I trusted him more than myself and he betrayed me six months down the line he was intouch with another women which I found out again I had tracker system in his car to see what they chat about etc in fact he had known this women for 12 years I wasn't aware at all he told me its just a friend and shes done hajj n is a good women in reply I said if that was the case why didn't you tell me about her if you had nothing to hide n she couldn't be much of a good women if she's intouch with a married man I told his fam this time didnt get much response from them he says to his mum and brother dont listen to her she's just making a scene! When my child was one. I was put on anti depression tablets I fear from my husband anger so much his anger is blind ad if hes got no control I got into depression couldnt go to sleep without locking my bedroom door thinking wgat if he comes in my to my room and attacks me I can't really argue with him that's how scared I am he's been very close to hitting me even my kids see this and try to push their dad away from me do he doesn't hit me the verse thing is its affecting my children alot now he gets angry towards them too always shouting at them for no reason I've had social workers involved due to teachers being concerned for the kids his behaviour had a big impact on them my kids sleep in my room when they know they dads argued with me in fear of him coming in my room they sleep there to protect me n lock the door from inside.my husband does say your a good wife I have no complain what so ever!!
I have no feelings for him me and my kids fear from him but then again he loves his kids too when we do try to spend time going out in past as family we always ended up arguing so now I don't bother going out instead I take the kids out on my own its been 3 years since I been on depression tablets. I don't know where I went wrong as a wife but right now I have no feelings for him having sex is a formality now there's nothing left in my heart for him the kids are scared of his temper too I always have to cover up saying your dads stressed due to work etc that's why he's always angry but I can't live like that too feels like my life's getting waisted my family are no support. I have even suggested counciling to him he won't go for it wher as I have been for counciling and I was advised to think of the safety about me and my children's but I've still tuck no action I'm not a strong person to take any actions I feel I have no support but it's not fair on my kids at all I can never trust my husband at all out communication still poor I try putting sex off as much as I can I don't want him touching me I feel dirty. We had up and downs in marriage like we all have I never let that effect the marriage but now it come to this where I don't think he's my husband no more he's still same hasn't changed I know he's a husband who would never protect me or stand by me for a fact.
Asalam o alikum this is is my first time posting on here. I've been married for 14 years during first year of my marriage I had a lot of problems with my husband and my mother in law for honour sake I put up with a lot even though my mother in law doesn't like me at all accirding to my husband. I have 3 children now my youngest one is 4 years old while I was pregnant with my last child my husband behaviour changed he was always aggressive arguing with me for very silly reason Would snap at little things I then knew something wasn't right I approached him few times saying why you changed so much his response was its all in your head I haven't changed he had changed sexually towards me that's when I clicked after having the baby still continued we don't have much communication at all we could b sitting in the same room and no communication at all when I do try to talk to him he doesn't seem to listen half of the time we like complete stranger it hurts me knowing i can't share or discuss things with him he's not interested. One day I seem a sum card in his car hidden under the car matt that's when I started to suspect something's not right do I used that SIM card wot I seen was msgs from some girl and also video oh her n him sexually I was shocked but I kept very calm told my family about it they said let it be all men's mess about out there so I didn't get no support from them after a week I approached my husband he was very confident n laughing away saying he's never been involved with any women but when I showed him the video he was in a shock n said its all my fault because I wasn't fulfilling his need he also said its choice now you do what ever you want I won't say anything he begged me for forgiveness therefore I forgive for my children sake told him this is your last chance but i didn't wanna go to bed with him as every time I would get flash back of the video I had to force myself to have sex with him I would cry from inside my love for him was gone I trusted him more than myself and he betrayed me six months down the line he was intouch with another women which I found out again I had tracker system in his car to see what they chat about etc in fact he had known this women for 12 years I wasn't aware at all he told me its just a friend and shes done hajj n is a good women in reply I said if that was the case why didn't you tell me about her if you had nothing to hide n she couldn't be much of a good women if she's intouch with a married man I told his fam this time didnt get much response from them he says to his mum and brother dont listen to her she's just making a scene! When my child was one. I was put on anti depression tablets I fear from my husband anger so much his anger is blind ad if hes got no control I got into depression couldnt go to sleep without locking my bedroom door thinking wgat if he comes in my to my room and attacks me I can't really argue with him that's how scared I am he's been very close to hitting me even my kids see this and try to push their dad away from me do he doesn't hit me the verse thing is its affecting my children alot now he gets angry towards them too always shouting at them for no reason I've had social workers involved due to teachers being concerned for the kids his behaviour had a big impact on them my kids sleep in my room when they know they dads argued with me in fear of him coming in my room they sleep there to protect me n lock the door from inside.my husband does say your a good wife I have no complain what so ever!!
I have no feelings for him me and my kids fear from him but then again he loves his kids too when we do try to spend time going out in past as family we always ended up arguing so now I don't bother going out instead I take the kids out on my own its been 3 years since I been on depression tablets. I don't know where I went wrong as a wife but right now I have no feelings for him having sex is a formality now there's nothing left in my heart for him the kids are scared of his temper too I always have to cover up saying your dads stressed due to work etc that's why he's always angry but I can't live like that too feels like my life's getting waisted my family are no support. I have even suggested counciling to him he won't go for it wher as I have been for counciling and I was advised to think of the safety about me and my children's but I've still tuck no action I'm not a strong person to take any actions I feel I have no support but it's not fair on my kids at all I can never trust my husband at all out communication still poor I try putting sex off as much as I can I don't want him touching me I feel dirty. We had up and downs in marriage like we all have I never let that effect the marriage but now it come to this where I don't think he's my husband no more he's still same hasn't changed I know he's a husband who would never protect me or stand by me for a fact.
“Treat women well and be kind to them, they are your partner and committed helper… Prophet Mohammed. pbh…”
Allah S.W.A created mate for you from yourself; that you might find rest and peace in them and He ordained between you love and mercy. Herein indeed are certainly signs for people to reflect on (Qu’ran 30:21).
May Ya ALLAH make it easier for you sis...
This post is very old, but i have same issue right now with some addition like i came to know after my forced marriage that my husband have physical relation but he say that was before marriage. we were in nikkah 2 years and its been 2 years now after rukhsati. he lives in Uk and i am in pakistan. after 2 years he came back now and everyone expects me to give him chance but i dont love him. we always had fight on namaz issue and i force him to practise ramzan but he always give me excuses like he cant make sehri etc. In all this time there were so family clashes and i was living at my parents house, he never supported me financially. Now he is back and he seems to offer namaz, some people say he is changed so i should go to his house to live with him. but honestly i dont feel any love or affection for him. i want to know that sister if she is still in that relation or have taken divorce.
Salaam everyone...
Ayanah, please register and submit your question as a separate post and we will answer you in turn, thank you.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I dont know how to register and submit my question
Ayanah, the link to register is on the right side of the home page beneath the Recent Stories.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
asalam alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh
You don't have to love him, just lay there and let him finish. If he won't divorce you and forces you to stay married, you have to let him have sex with you and no you do not have to like it. Just lay there and pretend you are somewhere else and it will be over in 2 minutes. This is how this is done. You don't have to attach your heart to him, just fulfill his rights and be patient. Maybe nothing will change, just be patient anyway. This is the advice from a few Imams. Just lay there let your husband do his business and then be patient. That is the cure. You are married now, so you have to just be miserable like the rest of us until you die. You should start getting over this now because you are stuck.
Fi Aman Allah
As-salamu alaykum,
Or the woman could try to love her husband again rather than being devoid of all feeling. When she is more responsive to his needs, he may be more responsive to hers as well. Life is not perfect, but it is wrong to withhold yourself (mentally, spiritually, or physically) from your spouse. Nothing will ever improve this way, and one would, indeed, remain miserable until he or she died.
Nourah, this is nonsense and terrible advice. You are telling women to simply remain miserable in a bad situation indefinitely. Bad advice!
Our example of what marriage should be was set by the Prophet (sws). He was a kind and loving husband who cared about his wives' feelings and needs.
What you describe sounds like a hostage situation. That is not marriage and is not what Islam prescribes or expects. Islam has given women the right of divorce through khulah. It is your right. If you choose not to avail yourself of it, that's up to you. If the first Imam you see refuses to grant your khulah, find another and another until you get it. If that fails, simply leave the house. Allah subahanahu wa ta'ala will understand. No one should stay in a situation where they are being abused and neglected.
It sounds like you personally have given up on life. If so, that is your problem. Do not push your negative, defeatist B.S. onto other poor women! You are harming others, not helping! To be honest, you sound like an anti-Islamic troll who is just here to spread despair and give bad advice.
Ladies, don't listen to this awful person. What she says is not from Islam.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Aslam alkum
I have been married for nearly one year and half. My husband lives abroad and so i see him every year. My husband does not tell me his loves me or does not care for me in a way like to support me to make me feel happy. I dont think he likes seeing me happy. When i go and visit him once a year we are constantly arguing. I am starting to not love him anymore.
when i ring him and text him he ignored all my calls and texts. He also never calls or texts me until i text him. He doesn't bother at all. When we do talk i feel he is just talking for the sake of it not that he wants to. I'm very annoyed and dont know what else to say to him. I think I'm heading to a divorse.
Sahra, I think so too. But I can offer you personalized advice if you register and submit your question as a separate post. And tell us more about the situation.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
How do you register can you tell me please to put it on a separate post ?
HELP!!!
Aoa,
I got married 6 months back. I was engages to my husband for 1.5 year. And in that time I don't remember making memories with him. I tried hard to fall in love with him when i got engaged but everytime I tried, I would get so cold response that it would take me 10 steps back. I kept trying for 8 months and then I.started feeling blue and lonely. Regrets were all over my mind. I wanted ti breakup cause I knew we wouldn't be able to make up.
We went into major fights but nothing sorted out. As we both lacked love and being this the reason things started getting worse. I was not even 0.0001% willing to marry him, but because of my society and parents I had to.
Apart from this he's selfish and very negative. And he accepts that. He would hurt anyone for his benefit And he knows how not to take the blame on him. He wants me to wear cloths that Im not comfortable in. Sleeveless, jeans, no dupata, short pants, deep necks. I managed well in handling this cause he doesn't demand me anymore. BUT at the same time he would care about me. If im sick he will worry. Would buy me clothes and fulfill my necessities.
It's been 6 months now and nothing has changed. Not even his care has changed me. We don't have a sexual relationship because I told him everytime that I wasnt ready. We have been into a fight because of this too but honestly speaking his touch disgusts me. I hate it when he touches me. I know this is wrong because Islam tells us to satisfy husbands needs and desires. I have tried hard forgetting what happened in the past And i have succeeded but I don't know why still i can't love him. I can't even be ME to him. Im all reserved and silent infront of him My depression is taking over me day by day. What should i do?? I just want to be left alone. I dont want to live with him.
I'm Acca finalist. I have thought of job to get over my thought. My husband allows me. But my father in law is always discouraging me in this matter. He wouldn't even let me live at my mothers. What should I do??
AOA
I'm 36 years old and have been married for last 11 years. I had a love marriage and after two years of our marriage my husband stopped making love to me and by then we were also blessed by a daughter. I kept on complaining and yearning for his love. After few years I got close to one of my colleague and we fell in love although he was married also. I don't seem to love my husband anymore although he is a nice guy. Over the years however he has become very moody. He yells and disrespects me often in front of his family. Our relationship is almost over. I have been very patient with him and have tolerated his behaviour. Despite loving someone else I don't intend to leave my marriage because of my family and also because I know that the person I love would not want to leave his family also.
I have been reading comments on this website and realise that stepping out of marriage was a sin and I intend to correct my mistakes. But at the same I need to know whether my husband should know about my past and I also need to know how love back my husband knowing that he will still not touch me
Forming extramarital relation ship is haraam and sinfull .You can't continue this life of adultery as what answer you will give on day of judgement .Life is short and you will be put in a grave one day so think about it .
If you have marriage problem go to some marriage counselor to get help and adultery is not the solution or excuse for marriage issues .
@Erum: Your husband may have a sexual dysfunction and no longer interested in sex. His condition may have nothing to do with his love for you. Men enjoy sex and have sex for their own enjoyment.
I don't think telling your husband about your sexual past is going to do any one any good.
What were the things you enjoyed when you were in love with your husband?
What exactly you expect your husband to do to make you feel loved?
Moodiness, yelling, disrespecting can be sign your husband has some emotional problems?
Do you remember when and why your husband stopped making love? What exactly happened? That can give you a clue about what happened? Did your husband say anything about why he stopped making love?
asalam -o-alaikum
Please submit your question as a separate post and we will answer you in turn, Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sallam sis/brother
I been married for 7 years and I never Been happy from day 1 it was arrange marriage just to keep my mum happy. I have 1 daughter and she means world to me but when it comes to wife I hardly talk to her only time we speak when it's dinner or lunch time, am always stressed and I talk to other girls same time when I got married I told my mum & dad that I never will be happy am doing this for you. Now I can't cope anymore some one advised me have a child & your relationship will change,now I have a daughter but relationship is same I really don't no wot to do,she's my hala daughter by divorcing her am going to upset all my family I tried many times but it never works. Can you please advice me wots the best think I can do.
I'm going through the same thing and I used to date before I started practicing so it makes it worse to be stuck with someone who doesn't make you feel special at all and is the only person who can see my beauty it feels like such a waste and am scared to divorce him because it seems so petty and I fear Allah will be angry with me and not replace him with someone better . I live with my dad because my husband can provide for me and when I visit him he is so boring he just wants to watch tv and wants sex that's all. I don't know what to do 🙁
Asalam Alaykium Wa Rahmatullah Wa Barakullah
I will say the world is gunna end up anyway so why not try your best to love him agne make him understand sit down and talk to him.take all bleam from him say everything is my mistake please forgave me trust me he will be proud listen to him what he say, ask him do you need anything.may allah bless all and keep our marriage life.
I hAve the same problem.my wife don't never understand me.
Iam in same situation..really dont know what to do he loves me alot..i cant foce my self to love him
As salam alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh, Wael...Actually, no im not a troll, but i was trapped in a hostage situation in a salafi community and that's was the same advice the shaykhs told me. MashaAllah, im free now though...but yes it was just like that.
Allahu Akbar! I'm so glad to hear that you are out of that situation, ma-sha-Allah. Good for you. Insha'Allah you can counsel others on how to get out of abusive situations.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Yes...Allahu Akbar, indeed! It was a very hard situation and many times I had considered leaving Islam to get away. The only thing stopping me was the fact that I knew I couldn't leave Islam...it's kind of impossible considering I still had to ask from Allah...there's nowhere else to go. There is no escaping that fact. It took a long time, but MashaAllah, Allah gave me a way put via Du'a Yunus. Everything happened immediately after I recited it. Yes, I too have had to go through a lot of counseling and I had actually forgotten how despairing my situation was until you recently responded to my post. It's hard to believe that I was this low at that pount in my life. Things are much more positive these days Alhamdulillah...to help other sisters, I do outreach now and even started an online magazine for Muslim women. Thank you, Wael, for your encouragement and support. BarakAllahu fik wa as salam alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh!
Thank you everyone who has shared their situation on this forum. I feel more at ease that there are others in similar situations.
Please register and submit your question as a separate post, and we will answer you in turn, Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalaamualaikum. . I am in greatest trouble.. i guess. . I need help.... i dont like my husband before marriage and still i dont like him.. I try hard to starting liking him but i cant.. It was arrange marriage... and we marry on oct. 2016 its no soo long... aftr marriage we spend only 10 days together and after three month i came my in laws home and i still cant liking him... he knows that i hate him... we still not in physical relationship bcz i unable to allow myself for this.. he knows that i dont want to marry him before marrage bt our family and specially my mother force me and him for the marrage... he loves me bt i am unable to loving him i try bt atlast i strting hating him more now the end he want me to divorce him bcz he cant bcz of the pressure that will give by the relatives and my parents.. what i can do pleaase give me the suggestion i am unable yaa allah plzzzz help me.... my parents never support me and i born in metro city and he live in village our mentality thinking is very different
Not grestest its biggest
Welcome to Islam
What i do plzzz help me my heart dont wants him bt my relative and parents pressurize me
Salamu alaikum, pls this is the first time I am posting here. I just got married recently, its been just a month. I feel really depressed, sad and angry with my husband. Its lyk I don't love him. I want to stay close to my parents bcos I miss them. I want to live separately from him, but not to ask for a divorce. I am not happy with this marriage. I hurt deeply within me. I just want to be somewhere far from him. I thought I loved him at first, but I realize that, I didn't love him at all. Pls I need ur advice on this....
Ayisha, love does not always happen right away. Assuming your husband is a good man and is not abusive, I advise you to be patient, and try to show compassion and respect to your husband. Give it time. Visit your parents if you miss them, but not overnight trips, just day trips. You need to nurture the relationship with your husband.
If you need further advice please register and submit your question as a separate post.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I'm gonna be honest with you here ... Love and that is just something I don't believe in anymore.. I've been married for 11 years now I got married when I was only 16 years old. When I was 16 years old I wasn't the best behaved person and my dad just wanted me to get married because he thought a child is like furniture and when it gets damaged u quickly sell it basically but I can't say my marriage was arranged I felt like I was such a burden and my dad hated me at the time so I said yes to the first proposal I got which was someone my parents loved and wanted me to marry so I said yes to finally do something to make my dad happy and proud of me, I had my first baby when I was 16 years old I couldn't finish school my husband before marriage was so awesome and even now he is an amazing guy to Allah swt he prays and he so strong in his seen but we will never share the bond and the love a couple on live should feel, after a few years I had another baby and another and another I have four boys now alhamdulilah and my dad till now thinks he did the best thing for me coz I smile every time I see my parents to make them happy but I'm not happy from my heart I am very very different to my husband but I don't think live is the only important thing in life sister trust me love fades anykneu marry will eventually change this is natural I'm lucky Allah swt has given me a brain that makes me understand this so I don't think of divorce ever because I am able to understand there is never true happiness in this world I understand that I could have married the live of my life and he wud eventually change trust. I know my husband loves me and I do love him because I'm use to him now and we have kids and just so much but true love we're I can say I actually love this man when I look at him I feel a happiness in my heart I will never understand that ever and it's okay life goes on I look at children in poverty starving and the wars in the Middle East and think who the hell am I to complain about my life
Salam I been married for 4months now I only got married for the sake of my parents I was happy cuz thy wre happy thought I’ll try to be happy nd I was a little bit but I knew in my heart this is not what I want I said yes to married because their was a lot of emotional talk going on and I just wanted it to stop he is in Pakistan and I am in the uk whenever he calls I just find him irritating and annoying and just argue and shout at him once or twice we spoke nicely no1 put a gun to my head I agree but it was all emotional blackmail talk and filled my brain up that’s why I agreed to say yes for my parents mostly cuz of my mom cuz she was the 1 crying one night before so I sed yes thinking I am not happy with him I don’t se my future my life with him I am not happy and don’t knw what to do please guide me please.
Slam!
I have same problem, I agreed to marry for the happiness of my parents but deep down I always knew this guy is not good but he was a Hafiz and good at talking.
I live in Europe and he's in Pakistan and we've been married for almost 1 ½ years and he's too bossy. After marriage he completed changed, he controls everything and whenever I say No to him he gets mad and threaten me that Allah doesn't like women who disobey their husbands. I give you a little example, one day after work I was eating and he told me to stop eating and when I asked why he told me to just obey him or I should never put on weight otherwise he will go to other women. Or I must talk to him 24/7 or else he gets hurt. He always asks me about his visa or asks me money. I can't stand him anymore. I want to divorce him but I'm scared to make a wrong decision.
Don’t be scared think you will make a mistake divorcing him. You don’t like him because he is mistreating you. This is not a hafiz title holder out to be like. He simply married you for sponsorship, since he is keep asking you visa. If I were you I would tell your parents. Show proof, do voice recording, your parents might ignore it and say to stick to the marriage. That’s what usually happens.