Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I found some videos on his mobile, I don’t understand what went wrong

I found some things on his mobile phone

"I found some things on his mobile phone"

Question:

i am 24yrs old. my husdand is of the same age. we got married 2 n a half yrs back.

my husband is good in all the senses. he always keeps me happy. but recently i found out that he is watching videos of almost naked ladies. i saw these videos in his mobile, but when i asked him he denied it. he acted as if he didn't even know about it. later he said somebody else did it which i know is a lie. i know it's his. i could see that from his facial expression.

after that he didn't even bother to come and talk to me about it or to confess to me.

i dont feel like looking at him. what made him do this to me? i used wonder why he lost interest in me. initially our sexual life went well. but now since almost a year he is very backward. almost every night when we go to sleep he tells me he is tired when i know he is not. till then he will be very energetic.

what is wrong with him? whyis this happening? i dont know from when he started this. how do i correct him? how shall i talk to him about it? how do i explain it to him that its haram?

i dont understand where i went wrong. i always beautify myself at my best for him. still what went wrong? please help me. i dont feel like touching him or even sleeping with him. please help me. i dont have anybody else to go to. this is the only website i found. please advise.

- Zahara

Sister Noorah's Answer:

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Dear Zahara, Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

I'm sorry you are confronted with your husband's infidelity. Infidelity? Yes. Even if he has not actually stepped out with another woman in the real world, he is being unfaithful to you by committing "zinah of the eye" and looking at pornographic pictures. It sounds that he has truly become addicted, because his interest in the pictures is so great that he no longer has interest in you. This is very serious and can easily destroy your marriage.

First of all, you cannot blame yourself for this. Women do not "drive" their husbands to cheat; men cheat because they can, because they are lacking in honor or religious commitment or spine or something. Do not sit and think "what did I do wrong". That is useless speculation. You have to deal forthrightly with the reality of the situation.

Addiction to porn is so common because it is so EASY. Men no longer have to sneak out to the shabby "adult" store in the bad part of town or wait shamefully for the brown-paper-wrapped package to come in the mail. Nowadays, one click can bring into your home or onto your mobile the most graphic pictures any person's deviant heart can desire. This is what makes it so hard to fight. You will have an uphill battle but you should make your own honest effort to help him to see what he is doing wrong. In this way, if things work out, alhamdulillah, and if they don't, you can go on with your life with a clear conscience.

You have to directly confront him and tell him that you do not accept him committing this sin, and you will not tolerate such images in your life. You can show him fatwas from religious websites or tell him he has to see someone, like the Imaam at your masjid, to talk to them to learn what is permissible and what is not. If he is too "embarrassed" to do this or continues to deny, you can give him an ultimatum, but you must be prepared to carry through with it - the pictures go, or I go. Figure out ahead of time if he will be the one leaving or you will; where you will go, how you will live, that sort of practical financial stuff. And then, if he refuses to admit he has a problem, you carry through and leave the house. Keep in touch with him and let him know you are not abandoning the marriage, but you are unable to stay under the same roof with him while he is engaging in his reprehensible behavior.

He is committing more than one sin; in addition to looking at the haraam, he is denying your your rights to intimacy. In Islam, a woman has the right to marital intimacy no less often than every four months, else she has the right to seek annulment of the marriage. So you must tell him that he is not fulfilling his duty to you in this way as well, and you are a woman who has normal needs and this is not acceptable. Tell him that he must re-commit to the marriage and promise to repent to Allah and seek to do better. You must set aside your anger and allow him the opportunity to repent, and you must be patient and wise. Your marriage is not doomed, but he will have to really want to save the marriage for this to work. Only time will tell.

I pray that you have the strength, patience, and wisdom to deal with this in a mature manner. I know you are hurt and angry, but you sound like you really want to see this situation resolved, so buckle down and be the "grownup" and tell your husband it is time for HIM to grow up as well. Please feel free to write us again as the situation evolves if you need more guidance.

Fi Aman Allah,

Noorah,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

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5 Responses »

  1. asalamu alaikum,

    hey sis how are you? hope you are doin well. i can understand the pain you are goin through unfortunately this problem is common in society.

    sis i suggest you be the understanding one. tell him you forgave him for his mistakes he made, ask him is there somethin you could do or change in order for him to feel better. tell him that it hurts you to find naked women on his phone. tell him his responsibility as a husband.

    jus to say you as the wife should be his number one priority, your feelings, needs etc comes first, apparently alot of men are selfish, anyway hope things work out.........

    ma salama

  2. Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

    Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

    I'm sorry you are confronted with your husband's infidelity. Infidelity? Yes. Even if he has not actually stepped out with another woman in the real world, he is being unfaithful to you by committing "zinah of the eye" and looking at pornographic pictures. It sounds that he has truly become addicted, because his interest in the pictures is so great that he no longer has interest in you. This is very serious and can easily destroy your marriage.

    First of all, you cannot blame yourself for this. Women do not "drive" their husbands to cheat; men cheat because they can, because they are lacking in honor or religious commitment or spine or something. Do not sit and think "what did I do wrong". That is useless speculation. You have to deal forthrightly with the reality of the situation.

    Addiction to porn is so common because it is so EASY. Men no longer have to sneak out to the shabby "adult" store in the bad part of town or wait shamefully for the brown-paper-wrapped package to come in the mail. Nowadays, one click can bring into your home or onto your mobile the most graphic pictures any person's deviant heart can desire. This is what makes it so hard to fight. You will have an uphill battle but you should make your own honest effort to help him to see what he is doing wrong. In this way, if things work out, alhamdulillah, and if they don't, you can go on with your life with a clear conscience.

    You have to directly confront him and tell him that you do not accept him committing this sin, and you will not tolerate such images in your life. You can show him fatwas from religious websites or tell him he has to see someone, like the Imaam at your masjid, to talk to them to learn what is permissible and what is not. If he is too "embarrassed" to do this or continues to deny, you can give him an ultimatum, but you must be prepared to carry through with it - the pictures go, or I go. Figure out ahead of time if he will be the one leaving or you will; where you will go, how you will live, that sort of practical financial stuff. And then, if he refuses to admit he has a problem, you carry through and leave the house. Keep in touch with him and let him know you are not abandoning the marriage, but you are unable to stay under the same roof with him while he is engaging in his reprehensible behavior.

    He is committing more than one sin; in addition to looking at the haraam, he is denying your your rights to intimacy. In Islam, a woman has the right to marital intimacy no less often than every four months, else she has the right to seek annulment of the marriage. So you must tell him that he is not fulfilling his duty to you in this way as well, and you are a woman who has normal needs and this is not acceptable. Tell him that he must re-commit to the marriage and promise to repent to Allah and seek to do better. You must set aside your anger and allow him the opportunity to repent, and you must be patient and wise. Your marriage is not doomed, but he will have to really want to save the marriage for this to work. Only time will tell.

    I pray that you have the strength, patience, and wisdom to deal with this in a mature manner. I know you are hurt and angry, but you sound like you really want to see this situation resolved, so buckle down and be the "grownup" and tell your husband it is time for HIM to grow up as well. Please feel free to write us again as the situation evolves if you need more guidance.

    Fi Aman Allah,

    Noorah,
    Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

  3. Salaam Sister,

    I agree with the comments above, but I would say to reist labelling your husband with illnesses such as porn addict and things like this. I would also say that ultimatums should only be used as an absolute last resort and not as a way of getting things done.

    If you give him an ultimatum, you will still never know if he has fulfilled his promise or not - you will not feel calmed or comforted because he may say ok to you to calm you down and keep you, and then carry on in secret.

    My experience is that men do stupid things sometimes - but it doesnt neccessarily mean they are sick and cheating on you. They just dont think things through sometimes, and what may be innocent laddish behaviour amongst friends can come across in a very different way in the eyes of your wife.

    There is also the embarrassment factor. My mum, for example, was once invited to an anne summers party (she didnt know what they were when she accepted the invitation - so you can imagine her shock when she got there right?!) Machines doing all sorts of unimaginable and inconceivable things. But in the spirit of things, she started to have a good laugh with the girls and before long everyone was falling over in hysterics at these strange contraptions and having a good old laugh together. - actually it was my mothers shock and horror that caused most of the laughter as the other girls knew all about this stuff and she'd never even heard of it in her life! In a burst of good mood, she found it hilarious to buy a raindeer g-string for my stepdad, and if you knew my mum and stepdad - you too would laugh until tears came out. Of course, he flipped out - and couldnt see the funny side, or the innocence of it. My mum, she is not in the habit of these things - she is not a bad person, she is not a sexual predator or addict of any kind - she just got carried away with the girls. And she doesnt go to these parties now that she knows what they are, and she certainly did not need his anger and ultimatums to know that she wouldnt go again. A seperate time, she was invited to a surprise birthday party for a friend, and without asking where they are going - she accepted the invite and ended up watching the chippendales do a striptease show and came home with a calendar! Not because she thought it was good and that she wants to do it all the time, but because she laughed her head off for the whole time! A lot of people like to shock my mum like this because her reactions will be so funny because she is so innocent and unknowning about that kind of world. My stepdad - on this particular occassion also saw the funny side when she was telling him the stories and how shocked she was.

    He on the other hand, was once photographed putting money into the bra of a belly dancer! Yes, my mum went crazy about it but at the same time she recognised that people get carried away with the lads or the ladies sometimes and play the game - he showed her the picture and it was only then that he realised "hmm, actually maybe that doesnt seem as innocent as it is" - the reason he did that action was because the belly dancer was dancing at him and he wanted to make her go to another table. My mum believes him and I believe him because he is a good man, and if he really wanted to do the nasty on her, he wouldnt do it like that. He wouldnt take a picture and show it etc etc - you know what I mean?

    With men, they think certain things are funny or entertaining in group situations when we dont, and more often than not - these things are of a sexual nature. Men have naked lady lighters, naked ladies in the news, naked lady glasses and there are groups of lads who have naked lady text messages and videos. I, in fact NO woman, likes this kind of thing - but in the other realm known as "mans world" these things are usually laddish behaviour to identify with the herd.

    It doesnt make it OK. But I feel that if you calm down in your own mind and turn off the rage - you can sit down with him and explain that your feelings are very hurt and what does this exactly mean? Is he really into this? Where did he get it? Does he believe this wont hurt you? And approach him with your upset with the intention to understand it better.

    Once he has explained - you might found out that its a stupid laugh that so and so thinks is funny. Or you may find out that so and so does it all the time. Or you may find out that such and such person at such and such place texts everyone these things all the time and wont stop in spite of protests - you have no idea what you will find out. This will require a certain response from you.

    You may also find out that he likes it, or needs it or cant stop himself from it - which will require a seperate response from you.

    So until you understand it all, don't decide on your course of action. You say he is a good man to you. All marriages have sexual dry spells from time to time - tiredness, babies, work - lots of things. Its does not mean that the man is a secret sex addict or a secret fetishist or any of those things.

    My advice would be to relax, calm down, try and see the funny side and wait for the explanation before reacting and going into anger overdrive - you may be suffering needlessly.

    If it emerges that he is an addict, or he does have a problem - then its up to you how to deal with it. You can leave, go to counselling, discuss it - whatever is best for you. Women have different tolerance levels and different approaches.

    If what you discover is absolutely intolerable in every single sense of the word then do as you see fit. In my experience, putting pressure on people just makes them panic and lie. Better to comfortably find out the truth in the best way you know how and then decide from there. Treat the cause of the problem, not the effect - you dont know the cause yet, so I would say step one is to find it out.

    Peace,
    Jasmine

  4. dear Jasmine,

    i beg to differ on many of the incidents you have related above. Im not judging you but it seems to me that there is a massive culture clash made some very clear valid points.

    i have been married 4 years, and its not something as small as "chilling out" or "relaxing" when you discover such hurrendous news. After experiencing what Zahara's going through i am still stuck in the same place. I had been craving for motherhood and only have sex maybe once or twice a month due to a massive fight of why we are not as active as we should be, which i start all the time.

    My cpnfidence has shatterd, i dont feel like getting dressed, maintaining my body or even small important things such as going to the beauticians for my waxing as put me off.

    I became pregnant, finally, i know its a gift from Allah but i am extremely worried as nothing has got better. i feel terrible and wish i could do something to make it all better. initially i tried it all sexy lingere, games, massages you name it, even booked numeroius holidays to give us the last chance. the only thing that keeps me to stay with him is apart from this whole sexual issue he is great

    coming back to Jasmine, i cannot tell you how hard a situation like this is. i feel trapped. i certainly do not feel like i can talk to my family, i would be ashamed and wouldnt know where to start.

    ive begged Allah for signs to show me what to do, it just feels awful and i feel unwanted.

    if theres anymore tips or advice please foward on.

    jazak....

  5. My sympathies and prayers go to all those wives who are deprived intimacy .
    I am some how surprised , because it's the first time I am seeing that males don't show interest in intimacy .

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