Loving a man beyond borders.
Hi,
Last January, on my 3rd day in skype, I met a Muslim man whose wife died few years ago, has sons and never married since his wife died. I never told him right away that I am separated but decided to confide him the truth that I have a failed marriage and have a daughter. He was angry at first but forgave me afterwards because he loves me. For long I never thought I will love another man again until I met him. We can talk for long hours and manage to love each other beyond borders. We laugh and cry as we share personal things about each other. He always say he loves me, that I am his life, and I believe him for I see the smiles in his face. He also knows how much he means to me that I am willing to risk everything for him. Lately, we became very intimate when we chat. This, somehow gives me fears.
Sometimes, I doubt his intentions because we are already crossing the line and giving in to our bodily satisfaction. Yes, we are both adult, but I am still confused! He said he will visit me in my country before the end of this year and he mentioned about that for several times but how can I be sure unless he does pay a visit. Another thing, he rarely shares about his work and his family for he wanted the conversation focused on us alone. Though he sent me pictures of him with his son and let me meet his sister.
One time, when I told him about my family, our economic status, he said these are not important for I am what is more important to him. How can I be really sure that he really loves me despite our cultural and religious differences, and our distance? However, I really appreciate his efforts of finding time to talk to me though it may take away his time to sleep or will make him late for work. I really love this man and this feeling, I admit, makes me bias in my decisions so I seek advice from you.
Thank you for your time.
Eid Mubarak!
Bella.
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Hello Bella,
Thanks for Eid greeting and also I appreciate your turst in us to ask this question. Bella, in Islam we are encouraged to avoid any kind of relationship with anyone from the opposite gender before marraige and this is a must. The only accepted relationship in the eyes of Allah (swt) for Muslims is marriage; no boyfriend/girlfriend or any other casual stuff; their are no if and buts and we submit to Allah. Before marriage; if two people are 100% sure that they will get married; even then they are not supposed to have any kind of relationship whether it being platonic or physical. Yes, they can get to know each other before marriage to see if they are compatible or not but their are certain guideline for them to follow. For example; they can meet in the presence of a Wali in the public place or communicate via e-mail, phone etc only under the supervision of the Wali to keep the things halal.
Muslim men are supposed/encouraged to marry only Muslim women but they are allowed to marry from the people of book (Jews and Christian); only the chaste women who are practising their religion. This is highly discouraged by most scholars of today especially for Muslim men living in Non-Muslim lands and their are other reasons why we should only marry Muslim women. I don’t want to go into detials as it will take a whole post to write all the logical reasons for this prohibition. Any woman other than Christians and Jews will have to convert to Islam before she marry a Muslim man. Note that this conversion must be sincere from her only if she finds Islam to be the right religion. Not for the purpose of marriage and not that her intended or his family forced her to accept Islam. Even, if you are a believing woman; I would suggest that you should study Islam to see what is the role of woman as wife and mother and then see for yourself that are you willing to take this step?
As you said that sometimes you doubt his intentions; you actually should. Because you hardly know him; marriage is a life long committment and you should know better as you already had a bad experience. It’s not just emotions and feelings and it is much more than that and when the honeymoon is over than the real problems start. That’s when you need someone who is patient, intelligent and shares your goal with good understanding between the two spouse. It’s not a fairy tale or a Hollywood movie where two people fall in love and decide to get married after a while. Relaity is so much different and it takes way more than what is being promoted in the media to make a relationship last. Divorce rate is one of the highest in general and fewer than ever people are getting married due to committments involved. An ideal marriage is where both husband and wife share the same values, common goals, respect each other, care for each other, are honest and trust one another.
For Muslims; our religion takes priority and ideally we are required to follow in the steps of our Prophet (PBUH) as much as we can. This also requires us to reaise our children as Muslims; no matter what. There is no compromise on this. And in order to raise our children as good human beings and best of Muslims; both husband and wife have to put equal amount of effort. While husband is supposed to earn living and provide a roof for his children and wife; a wife is required to raise the children to according to Islam right from the start. In fact mother is the first institute for the children.
I will make a few recommendations for you before you go any further and I hope Insha Allah things will work out for you by the grace of Allah (almighty).
1- Stop this relationship straight away as no relationship is allowed between memebers of opposite gender before marriage; besides you know that it is morally wrong too.
2- Study Islam for yourself and see if it’s the right decision that you are making even if you don’t convert straight away.
3- Is this man willing to marry you even if you don’t convert? I ask this because this becomes a problem later on and we have had questions in the past where husbands force their wives to accept Islam (which is not allowed in Islam). Eventually, this results in bitterness in relationships and many times they divorce which in turn causes many problems if children are involved.
4- Are you fine with the idea of raising your future children as Muslims?
5- Do you both share the same goals, values and how much understanding and respect you both have? Do you find him sincere and trustworthy because a lot of women fell pray to sweet talks by men only to realise after marrige that it was all a lie.
6- Do you both see each other as compatible for marriage or is your relationship is based on mere feelings and emotions.
7- More importantly I will say that please do your research on Islam. I bring this up again and again because most inter-faith marriages fail due to religious differences. I hope you don’t undermine how seriously Muslims take Islam as a religion. He may not be practising it now or come as someone who is liberal but believe me when children come along and as they grow old; they do take religion seriously.
8- You might have to sacrifice your family, freedom or other things such as your drinking, eating habits, the way you dress or socialise. Are you ready for this change.
Please consider the above mentioned points and I hope someone else will add to this Insha Allah. I am just feelings sleepy so can’t concentrate; I might have missed some very important point which someone else might add.
May God help you to decide in your best interest and help you assess the situation properly before taking any step. Amen.
Muhammad1982,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
To all of you who have responded in my post, my sincerest gratitude. I am a Christian woman but upon finding this site I also see the beauty and sincerity of Islam. Thank you for all these advises and these have helped me in making my decisions.
Hi sister
May God bless u sister this is how islam teaches us to respect people and help them even if they are not muslims. islam is a very wonderful religion and i am very happy that you get some light of Islam and i hope this light will open your heart to Islam and make you know your right way.
& may Allah bless brothers and sisters.
Muhammad1982, thank you for your clear and comprehensive explanation though you are already sleepy while writing this. God bless!
Bella,
Think of your daughter first before you ever consider risking anything for any man. Just reading your post, red flags are flying all over the place. I would be very careful not only for yourself but for the real love of your life...your precious daughter.
Bella,
Although I cannot say for sure what this man’s intentions are, there is a certain part of your post that raises major red flags for me.
You write:
Sometimes, I doubt his intentions because we are already crossing the line and giving in to our bodily satisfaction. Yes, we are both adult, but I am still confused! He said he will visit me in my country before the end of this year and he mentioned about that for several times but how can I be sure unless he does pay a visit. Another thing, he rarely shares about his work and his family for he wanted the conversation focused on us alone.
Firstly, in Islam any sort of male/female relationship prior to marriage is forbidden and is considered a sin for numerous reasons (heart break, unwanted pregnancy, spreading of STDs, the notion of exposing your body to multiple “partners”, etc). I’m sure this man knows this and despite this he is still letting his desires control him. If he really wants to marry you why does he need to engage in such behaviour prior to marriage? He can simply come and visit you in front of your family, ask for your hand formally, marry you and then do whatever you both desire in the correct manner.
Another major red flag that is standing out to me is the fact that he is not very open about his family (despite showing you pictures of his son and allowing you to meet his sister). I can assure you that 95% of the time a man who is not willing to introduce a woman who he’s “interested” in to his family is not serious about her. He is only using her for her physicality, her finances, or her company.
I personally suggest that you follow your intuition—it’s hardly wrong in these cases. Women tend to have what I call a gift from God when it comes to such things. They can just sense something is wrong and more often than not they’re right. Learn to trust your intuition. If you are constantly feeling doubtful and feel that there is something fishy going on, it most likely is.
No man who is serious about a woman would hesitate to introduce her to his family—despite being divorced.
As a Muslim man I would have expected humbleness’, shame and humility from him and even if he is interested in you, to approach you in an Islamic manner that is in accord with our religion rather than skyping with you via the internet and making empty promises.
-Helping Sister
Sister,
You already had several conversation with this guy and u r stil in doubt and confused about him. Please leave this muslim guy and if u happen to get in conversation with him again, pls be firm and tell him that you did not just leave him because of feelings of doubts or uncertainities about him but because Islam forbids pre-martial relationship.
Please don't risk ur loneliness for this guy!- dont let him take advantage of ur loneliness. U got ur daughter- she is ur life. And the only beautiful key thing which is missing in ur life is Allah (swt). Please make Him part of ur life- learn about Him , learn about Islam and I assure you, u r going to feel completly complete in life and ur daughter will inshaAllah thank-you for that one day.
Wisn u well.
x
Sister,Id advise you to stop speaking to him for a few days,make istikhaarah and put your matters in Allah Ta'aala's hands. Remember,Marriage is not just a two way contract. Its three way. Its a contract between the wife,the husband...and... Yes,Allah Ta'aala. If he cannot respect your descision to stop speaking,he's messing with your mind. What worries me are your words:
Sometimes, I doubt his intentions because we are already crossing the line and giving in to our bodily satisfaction. Yes, we are both adult, but I am still confused!
Another thing, he rarely shares about his work and his family for he wanted the conversation focused on us alone.
He seems like he's hiding something from the way you phrase it. Sister, write down what you find attractive in him, and then ask yourself if these things coul be proven to be real. Also write down the cons and ask yourself whether its worth it and if you're willing to be some guys toy..
May Allah Ta'aala guide you to the right descision.