Will it be okay to live separately from my husband without divorce when he has marries another woman?
I want to know if it is permissible in islam to stay away from husband while still being married to him. I have given permission for him to marry another woman. The work is under progress. My husband and I have come to an understanding that we will live separately and I take the kids while he will continue to financially and emotionally assist in the upbringing of kids.
Although he loves me very much and insists that we all stay together as family, I have never been able to accept the fact that he would be with another woman. Its hurt me badly. Besides, this woman was his past love before me and if 10 years of marriage with me couldnt get her out of his mind, I just think that once they are together, I would slowly be forgotten. This woman would be leaving her religion, her kids and everything she has for him. So obviously he would love her more and if I am with him, I cant help but be jealous and quarrel everyday which will only make him hate me.
I do know the dangers of a woman living without a husband. I love him so much that I do not want to divorce him. A part of me always keeps telling me that he will come back to me if I were to leave but that is not why I dont want to divorce him. He is the only one for me and I want to be halal to him no matter what. I want the right to keep thinking of him in his absence and to pray for his guidance and to ask that he joins me in Jannah.
I know that I would be an easy victim for shaythan to influence me into doing forbidden things. I am completely aware of that. Its also becos of that reason I have decided to quit my job and confine myself to the house, to the worship of Allah and raising up my kids as good muslims. I will observe fasts if I have to resist any temptations that I may get. I dont view this as a punishment but as a test from Allah. However I just want to know if its permissible to do such a thing. Someone please help.
- Uncertain
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Dear Sister, Asalaamualaykum,
I do not know the right answer to your question.
Accepting that your husband take another wife is probably the most testing situation a woman can have to endure in her marriage - may Allah make this easy for you. It is probably healthier for you to continue seeing this as a test as you are already doing. I get the impression from what you have said, that you wish to remain married to your husband because you want to be in the protection and safety of marriage.
I personally do not think there is anything Islamically wrong with you living apart from your husband if he takes a second wife, as both of you wives would be entitled to your own quarters anyway. It seems that you are trying to excercise a lot of patience and are trying to protect yourself both physically and emotionally in a situation that is to most degrees out of your control.
I would recommend that you try to maintain a healthy social life as I can imagine confining yourself within the four walls of your house would be quite soul destroying and depressing. You are human like us, so although you are trying to be patient, you will need companionship, love, time etc from your husband; so I would most definitely say that if you choose to remain married to your husband, then do not feel any hesitation in demanding your rights as a wife. They are your God given rights, so fight for them if you have to. Although I pray that you do not have to fight and that your husband treats you both equally. I have just expressed my opinion here, so it may be better for you to speak to a qualified Imam who would be able to explain your rights to you.
May Allah(swt) make this challenge easier for you and also very rewarding,
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
assalamaaikum
how do we fight for the rights. My husband don't answer any emails, texts and phone. He and his parents are against me. I love my husband do't know what to do.
Wa alaikum assalam wa rahmathullahi wa barakathuhu..Do u knw any qualified female scholar..so dat i can contact them...my situation is similar to this sister's situation. Ill b thankful to u if u knw any female scholar..jazak allah
@SISTERZ Clearly yoiu have not been married before!, because if you did you could not possibly understand this women torment.
A test....... you can't see something that a man has selfishly choosen to inflict on his partner as a test.
@uncertian....... Really you need to wake up and smell the coffee your husband of 10yrs has choosen without your consent to marry another women...... im sorry and i can understand how hurtful that is and believe you me if it were to happen to me i know i wuld not be strong enough to even consider putting another women in my home let alone coming to terms with him ahving another wife.
I think mordern muslim of this da in age tend to bend rules to suit there own sexual greed, Allah did say marry 1 2 3 4 but for a reason if you have trouble conciveing a child or medical issuse but also that you treat them equaly. its impossible to do thats why these rules were put in place. jealousy and bitter resentment sets in each marriage partnership that has coexisted like this.
I would suggested you look at yourself and your needs as ahuman being and figure out for yourself that if a man loved you he would never comsider taking on a partnership with someone else, He clearly wants to have his cake and eat it all hikmself.
Your a strong person if your even contemplating entertaining his wishes. so you can do it alone with good support of your freinds and family.
good luck
Realist,
"I dont view this as a punishment but as a test from Allah." This is what 'Uncertain' said; and I agree with her very much - she is in a testing situation. Whether I have been married or not is not the issue here, I am a woman too and can imagine how difficult this situation must be for the sister, so the last thing I want to do is say something that will wind her up. At the same time, I want her to see that she has every right to fight for her rights as a wife; so if her husband does end up taking a second wife she is treated equally. She has the choice to leave him or to stay with him, but it seems as though she has already made her choice to stay.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I totally agree with Sister z. U dont hav to be married to no how painful it must be to have that happen. Uncertain sounds like shes made her decision but to honest i wdnt blame her for walking away either. Both things require immense strength x
This guy may be a yoyo going from one woman to the other as and when he feels like it. I am sure he will go back to her after the novelty of the 2nd wife runs out. Soon both wives will be the same.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullah
sister in islam i think you need a sheikhs help here. Your husbands second marriage may help some other sister in islam. I think you should not stop your relationship with your husband. Stay happy and let not this affect your kids in any way. Take all your rights what you are entitled to. Even if he marry another two wives after this second one, its his right. You will not be answerable to what he did or has been doing on this earth. Be nice to your husband and keep doing what a good muslim wife is supposed to do. Indeed Allah is with those who do sabr. inshAllah
May Allah give your heart comfort inshAllah.
Sister be happy. You and your husband have an understanding that most women on this forum can not comprehend. To give you husband 'permission' is great. Atleast you care about him enough to see him happy and to prevent him from sin. Most of these people commenting on here would comment mostly from an emotional possessive thought without thinking even once that Allah owns each one of us, not a woman.
So many people come on here with an immediate negative thought about polygamy, not even thinking once about what is legal. A lot of people talk about the legal aspects of Nikah and the first wife's pain etc.. But thats a pain that they make you feel but implying that its going to be a painful dreadful experience. They are doing nothing but predicting a grim future for you; but it doesnt have to be that way.
You can all live like a big happy family, and the disgusting practice of divorce is far more painful and damaging to the children than merely a second wife in your husbands life. Most people have the audacity to say 'leave him' or encourage you to move on with the support of friends and family. That is total rubbish. Even 50% of your husbands time is enough support to keep you happy and your family healthy, better than being a divorcee that these very women commenting here would laugh at.
You will here a lot of cliche's e.g. 'he cant have his cake and eat it too'. If you fall for any of these typical lines you will set yourself up for more trouble. You are not a cheap woman that quiclkly needs to find a 'better man' and get married to him. You and your husband have made a decision that should be in your own home, dont look for reassurance here because you will get angry jealous women trying to prevent polygamy at any cost. They say, he sister, be strong and be independent, but these very women wouldn't give you a penny if you were divorced.
I agree with Ali! "Tjarondo omuho maa tjirondo epindi!", an expression (in Otjiherero culture - in Africa) directly translated meaning "the pain your neighour goes through will come to you one day". This is directed towards some of the "advisors" who roughly provide direction without the (religious) sensitivity this matter requires and deserves.
I am not a Muslin, but in my African culture men are allowed to marry as many wifes as they wish. It seems from what I gather from the statements made it is the same in the Muslim religion. I don't have much to say apart from seeking clarification through the following questions:
1. Before you got married did you know that your religion allows that?
2. Were you informed about his intentions to add a wife to the family?
3. What hurts you the most (the presence of the other woman or imagining his sexual acts with her?).
4. What is the will of the kids (do they object?)?
5. Why stopping working (fearing men who might want to prey on you)?
I pray that Karunga (Alla) give you both the wisdom He descended on King Salom and open your mind and put this issue to rest once and for all!
Dear Tjinduu,
Islam does not permit a man to marry as many wives as he wishes. He is permitted to marry up to four wives only if he can treat them all well and equally. There are strict guidelines and any man who decides to take on more than one wife will be accountable for the way he treats them on the Day of Judgement. Knowlede of this will keep any God fearing man well grounded.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor