Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband granted a divorce I only asked for in anger

Divorce decree

Asalam-0-alaikum team of Zawaj

I am really very sorry if you are thinking like this that I am sending the questions of same crux more than 7 times to you.  Of course one will write to you about his/her problem if he/she is really suffering. I think nobody is mad enough to send or repeat her questions 7 times having the same theme. I am really suffering. I am not just finding the answers but I want to know the reasons for moving in any kind of direction. This is the last time I am writing you this question now I shall never repeat it again.

I told you my story that I am a 32 years old Pakistani Muslim woman. I have done M.Phil. from a prestigious university of Pakistan. I am an educated woman. I was married to DR Azr[name has been omitted to protect confidentiality] (retired JCO from Pakistan army). He took his medical education from a Pakistani ************** and completed his MBBS in ****. He did work at a Foundation and now has a job as a doctor in a hospital in Pakistan.

He deceived me and the girl before me, as he married 3 years before and divorced a girl named Sasha (daughter of a retired primary school teacher) and hide all this to my family and me. Then he married to me and divorced me just keeping me with him for 11 months, and after my first abortion, he divorced three times written on stamp paper with two witnesses. He saved my all messaged on his mobile in which I asked him unintentionally for divorce just in fighting for the sake of getting his attention. He made khula by showing these messages to a family learned court Pakistan. I just accepted them and court decreed khula. I never ever wanted this. What was my fault? Why he ruined two lives? He broke our dreams. What will be his punishment hereafter? Were our fates in his hands? Fates are only in Allah's hands.

He did so wrong with us. What should we do (the divorced wives?) as I love my ex-husband and never wanted divorce from him. I just asked him for divorce while fighting with him just for the sake of solving the domestic problems but never actually wanted to as my husband knew my nature of fighting and asking for divorce in fighting. Now he has ruined my life.

Will I get my ex-husband and my little abortion at the end of 3rd month of my failed pregnancy in Janah if I wish for both of them there in paradise?  I have heard that only those souls having spirits will be resurrected in Jannah but not others. I felt my baby in my abdomen when I conceived but when I aborted it was just a piece or little flash - how he will meet me in paradise as I do not know whether it was male or female?  If I practice sabir in my whole life then will Almighty Allah give me life with my ex-husband and baby?

I have also heard that a woman will be with the last of her husbands in paradise, so I am not remarrying in this world, but my ex-husband has got married thrice – to a family girl named Farah and I have heard that he has become a father of a daughter. Farah’s mother wanted to give him her daughter before Sasha (the previous wife) and me but maybe she asked him to give me divorce so that he can marry to her daughter Farah?

He did so wrong with his two wives. Will his daughter be tested for him in this world as this world is a makafat-e-amal, everyone has to taste what he sows in this world? What rewards I shall get in Jannah if I practice sabir?

I have lost my virginity to my ex-husband. I do not want to remarry anyone else. He used me for 11 months so roughly just like a servant and considering me so low a creature. His attitude was so rough and embarrassing that I felt ashamed of me being a woman and his wife. He just made sex for his enjoyment without having any feelings for me and after doing it he became a stranger to me harsh to me. You know this Dr. has two sisters. On of the sisters has opened a deeni madrassa in Pakistan where she teaches young girls about Islam.

What is she doing teaching there when his own younger brother is divorcing two innocent girls against Sharia and Sunnah? Its biddah. His younger sister has also got divorced from her ex husband? This Dr.  (azr my ex husband) and his cruel father made their daughter's new nikah before her iddat got expired from her previous husband aasim. What they all are doing on the name of Islam?????? They are just using Islam and nothing else. They are playing with the lives of Muslim daughters....the Dr. and his father are doing HALALAS also which are really disgusting and un Islamic. I was very afraid to hear from the Dr. after my divorce that he asked me that he will arrange a person for halala and you will not go even to anyone's home, and he will not even see you....oh my GOD. What rubbish is this? They are not GOD fearing.

Now the Dr. sends me emails from unknown email IDs and makes me feel embarrassed again and again. Please give me suggestions,  what is best for me? I am being given a proposal of a family boy but he is just 21 years old and he is 10 years smaller than me. He is trying to get a good job. But at present he is studying. Should I accept his proposal? I did first istakhara also for my cousin in which I saw that all my dowry equipment comes back again from my ex husband's home and the 2nd time I did istakhara I saw a marriage ceremony in a shopping center and I saw a yellow dress and a wall hanging picture of a young man wearing white clothes. I am thinking to do istakhara again as I am unable to see clear signs, but what do these istakharas mean? What is your opinion?????

This is true that I loved him a lot in spite of the fact that he was not sincere with me. But I wanted to tell you about his deceived nature through this website and wanted a guidance from you. Your website provided me a better forum to share and reduce my grief. I thank you all of you who remained with me from the start till the end. May Allah be with all of you ameen.


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19 Responses »

  1. Walikum-asalam sister,
    Sister first of all to start off with abortion is not allowed in our religion it is forbidden you have done a harram work so you have no right to say to you ex husband and his dad that they do not fear Allah when you have done a sin as well. But it is wrong what ur husband did very wrong and he will get punished for his work but understand this sister according to Islam a guy is allowed to get married 4 times with out telling his wife but he has to treat them equally which he has not been doing! If he is harrassing you through email then get the police involved and he will get done for harrasmemt.
    I think you do need to do another IStikra u won't get a sign atright away but you never know. Do it for 42 days. Nd u should think about getting married again amd starting a new life
    I wish you all the best in shaa Allah everything turns out alright


    • maybe sister was forced to have the abortion we don't know and it s quickly assumed to blame her i agree it is sinful but maybe she didn't have a choice at all.

      • If she was forced by her husband her in laws then she should have got the police involved and I am not assuming anything I am just saying that abortion is not permitted in Islam.

        • It is easy said then done to call the police or call someone to deal with the situation.
          With her husband being a Doctor he could have easily made her do it and also controlled her in every way possible of manipulating her.

          Yes you are right it is forbidden in ISLAM but men can easily make a women do it with no fault of her own.

          • I don't disagree with you sister her husband is a doctor but she also said that she is a well educated young lady as she has said above and she should have known better. But none of us know what was the reason only Allah. Knows and Allah will help her with this struggle through life Ameen

          • Tch tch ......

            You people are soo quick to jump on conclusions .

        • no the abortion was done naturally. it was a natural abortion. actually there was an empty gestational sac seen in my abdomen and on 3rd month i got surgical abortion done on doctor's prescription. i have all medical proofs with me dear members

          • asalam alikum @irumhayat ,,,this man has made you distubed person mentally (or this incidence),, i was like you ,, watching pornography, drinking and praying for my death,, but you know all these things make you day by day weaker,, so the most hard step has to be taken and that is to get rid of these memories and that is really hard but i managed some how and now coming back to life,, so all u have to do is to get that man out of ur memory card,, now how u do it ,, there are millions ways and no way at all,, al depends upon u and no body can help you but u have to help ur parents by getting out of this situation,, when talak happens then their is no benefit from blame game ,,,

          • Zainkhan, please avoid bad language. I had to edit your comment slightly.


  2. Dear irumhayat,

    I am sorry for the pain you are feeling. And while you are in pain, I hope that you will learn from this experience. Uttering divorce and asking for divorce is not something that should be joked about or said flippantly every time you are angry - this is very wrong Sister and hopefully you will learn to control your tongue and words from this difficult experience.

    Having said that, if your ex-husband is as you described, "He used me for 11 months so roughly just like a servant and considering me so low a creature. His attitude was so rough and embarrassing that I felt ashamed of me being a woman and his wife. He just made sex for his enjoyment without having any feelings for me and after doing it he became a stranger to me harsh to me....They are not GOD fearing....he was not sincere with me....his deceived nature;" - you need to be 'thanking and praising' Allah for saving and rescuing you don't you think? Not wasting your life over him and so desperately wanting him back.

    Sister - you are ruining your life over things that have happened in the past, things that were always going to happen despite all the 'ifs and buts'. 'If' is the word of shaytan. Allah gives us both good times and difficult times to test how strong our faith is - so it is not befitting of a Muslim to dwell on the past, rather he should submit to Allah and accept that His(swt) Will came to pass, he should take what lessons he can from the past and use them to better himself for the future.

    All this talk about not marrying ever again because you want to be with your ex in the next life - it is nonsensical. You are a Muslimah - you deserve to be treated with love and respect, right? So set your goals higher and ask Allah to grant you with a husband who is good for you in this life and the next and is the comfort of your eye.

    If your ex in laws are doing 'questionable' things, stay away from them and ask Allah to give them hidaayah, as when we sin, we are damaging only our own souls - so again, be glad that you are away from them and show this by staying away from them. All children, babies and unborn babies are innocent - so do not worry about your child, he/she is safe and at peace with Allah. If you were forced to abort it, Allah knows the condition of you heart, he knows you were under duress. And if you were not under duress, then do tawbah and have trust that Allah will forgive you - as Allah promises to forgive all sins if we are sincere in repentance.
    With regards to marrying again - marry the man who has a good nature and is God fearing.


    As you mentioned Sister, this is the seventh or eight time you have posted the same question over the space of one year - so I am concerned about your emotional state. I strongly believe that the longer you continue to maintain contact with your ex and his family, the harder it will be for you to find peace and contentment. I hope by now that you see the blessing in your separation from him and can try to move on. Leave the questions - as by asking so much, you are wandering into territories that are unseen and known only by Allah. Doing this will cause you only confusion, anger and grief. Leave the unseen to Allah and work on finding peace and comfort through your identity as a Muslimah. Distance yourself from those people who are a negative influence on you and be amongst those who are simple, uncomplicated and God fearing. May Allah give you peace and grant you with the sweetness of eman.

    SisterZ Editor

  3. Salaams sister
    You should get married again, people have to move on. Remember unfairness happens everyday to people you are not alone dear one.
    He too done wrong hes time will come but learn to refocus on you, don't be blinded to hate or get bitter and twisted towards people.
    In time you see he wasn't worth of you
    I know it hurts but trust me all men and women are in the same situations has you the stories and replies are the same or similar but look at it this way you will meet someone a lot better for your worth and respect. Take this down as Allah's will and it wasn't meant to be its the way faith is written.

    I wish you the best

  4. Dearest Sister Irumhayat,

    Couldn't agree more with SisterZ. Please follow her advice and move on with your life.
    You deserve a much better life, you are young and qualified, please do not waste your life as it is very precious.

    May Allah swt guide you and bless you.

  5. Irhumhayat,

    Here is something I think you will find useful to read, its a paragraph that stood out to me from an article written by Imam Zaid:

    "Our Prophet, peace upon him, was surrounded by strong, assertive and independent women.

    - His beloved Khadija, who we have previously mentioned, was one of the most successful business people in the Arabian Peninsula, and her wealth allowed the Prophet, peace upon him, to retreat to the Cave of Hira where he would receive the first revelation.

    - Aisha, despite her young age was an aggressive, free-spirited, intellectual powerhouse who would become one of the great female scholars in history. The foundation for her intellectual greatness was laid by the Prophet himself, peace upon him.

    - Zainab bint Jahsh ran a “non-profit” organization. She would make various handicrafts, sell them in the market and then use the proceeds to secretly give charity to the poor people of Madina.

    - Umm Salama, had the courage to migrate from Mecca to Medina, unescorted, although she was ultimately accompanied by a single rider. She also had the vision to resolve the crisis at Hudaybiyya.

    - These were all wives of the Prophet, peace upon him. To their names we could add those of many other strong and dynamic women who played a major role in the life of the fledgling Muslim community"

    SisterZ Editor

  6. Salam sister my advice for you is to stay away from this cruel man and get married again..your very lucky with this proposal..many women passed a certain age find it very hard to get don't miss this opportunity.

  7. Plz give me clearity with a line.

  8. Irumhayat, Asalaamualaykum

    I have just noticed that you have submitted another post on the same topic. Sis, I really am highly concerned about your mental health and well being. In your post your stressed that you don't want anyone to advise you to get married again. So don't. Don't stress yourself out with thinking that you have to marry again. But atleast learn to live in peace without being married then. I am not going to tell you what I think of your ex-husband, as the same thing has been said several times - but it does not seem to be registering with you.

    So what I will say is this: you are not responsible for not having had a baby, this is in Allah's hands alone, so ask Allah to make you content with His Will. My mother lost a son aged five to a violent road accident, so I have grown up understanding a mother's pain of losing a child. There are lots of Mothers in this world who have lost children, both before and after birth. And while I do not want to belittle your pain, you are not the woman who has suffered the loss of someone: be it a child, a partner, a loved one etc.

    You do not want to re-marry, this is your right. You don't want anyone to advise you, this is fine. You want someone to tell you that for sure you will be reunited with your ex-husband and miscarried child in the Hereafter. But none of us is God - so how can you expect anyone to tell you about the future?

    Try for your own sake sister - to forget about re-marrying and if you want to live in thoughts of the past - then so be it. But it will only cause you prolonged pain. At the same time, learn to accept that the past is what it is. It happened, it cannot be changed, you cannot force anyone to marry you or love or come back to you. For now, just live each day without the worries of the past or the future. Do you see Sis, you are wasting your life on the past and the unknown future; so what of the present?

    You have been through such a difficult time, so you have so much to offer other sisters who have lost loved ones too. Use your passion and understanding to 'help' others - and you will feel a solace like no other insha'Allah.

    But of course, it is important for you to heal first and it is clear to me that you are not coping at all with your situation. So, I strongly urge you to seek professional counselling or psychotherapy Sister. What do you have to lose?

    SisterZ Editor

    • thanx sisterZ for ur comments and suggestions. i am a psychologist myself and do not think so that any psychotherapy will be able to change my mind. As far as the counselling is concerned i think no one is able to counsel me as u r counselling me. i am accepting God's will and also ur suggestions side by side....u know i get up early in the morning, say prayer and just after prayer i remember my exhusband. the thoughts forcely came in my mind and i became unable to control or stop them. i love my ex husband just like i am doing it in a dream world and though he is not physically present but i think of him being physically present to me and i love him a lot. in this way i do not remain hungry of anything,. the love i did to him is enough for me to lead a helathy, pious life. i have engaged myself in university lecturership (visiting) and in my college also where i do govt job. i have also engaged myself in a religious movement well known in pakistan and internationally (MINHAJ-UL-QURAN). u know DR TAHIR-UL-QADRI is the muslim islamic pakistani leader of this islamic movement. I am going to take its membership as my real uncle and his family is also attatched with it. my real uncle told me about it. different women are attached to this movement, we practice religious rituals here by being attached to it and we do AETAKAF togetherly, we practice SUNNA-e-Rasool (SAWW), and we arrange many MEElad-e-Rasool (SAWW) in our homes or we go in other women homes who practice meelads where we recite Quran Pak, and say NAATS and HAMAD-e-Bari TAAla. we weep a lot there and we pray for us and others. we make duas Ijtamaee duas u know and clean our hearts. i have many colleaguues who are sufferers and i remain sympathetic to them by sharing their griefs and solving them. when i look at their grievances i feel my grief is nothing. u were true dear sisterz we try to highlight our griefs but world is more than that.
      but sister inspite of the fact that i try myself to make me busy in religious activities and my professional activities, i sometimes recall my exhusband being with me but alaaaaas !!!! he is not with me. but i gave him my body my soul so now its not possible for me to accept any other ..... as my ex husband is alive yet. and in his life i will never remarry and offcourse not after him. My Allah will inshaAllah reward me. i also adopted childish attitude to him but i was unaware of this reality that he married once and divorced. he never told me this truth till my divorce. my abortion was natural as it was a missed miscarriage (empty gestational sac in abdomen) and it had to be aborted soonar or later...... and it got aborted later. during this i made my husband much tensed due to my tension of not being able to produce a child and thus he made me out of his life. i am happy dear sis because he is happy and complete now as he has a daughter. this makes me happy also but becoming married again will cause grief for him so i will never do this. i shall be complete inshaAllah in the true world of aakhira. u keep on praying for me. i shall be in touch with u as i feel myself better when i write to u, the other colleagues also and especially when i read ur responses...i really feel better. i often think that u all are bold enough to bear smiling...thanx dear sister..i shall try to make myself positive and stop me to write u the same crux. but it can take time never leave me or do not get tensed or anxious of me. i know i am mad about my husband but not so mad that i forget my religious duties or limitations. i have a menstrual problem plz pray for me. if it got regular and good then i shall also think about many other options but it will take time.
      i pray for u all to be happy and in peace...u keep on praying for me also. i will keep on sharing with u whatever will happen in my life in future and take guidence from u all. may Allah bless u all. amin
      irum hayat

      • I have just noticed you submitted a post with the same comment on which I have just had to delete. Please refrain from doing this sister. It creates more work for us which prevents us from helping others.
        If you need to further advice on this issue, please read through this thread again and comment on this post as you have done


  9. sister you will ruin your life over a man who doesnt love you?
    accept the proposal of you cousin inshallah, that DR used you, and you will be given justice from allah inshallah.
    he doesnt care about you, you will grow old without a husband so GET MARRIED and he isnt the perfect man you thought he was because he uses women and divorces them when he can you love a man who just faked love! and because you mean nothing to him and never did mean anything, thats why he divorced you. you are being very irrational by saying you love him, good men love their wives and respect women, he just decieved and used you, and he wont be hurt when you get married again because he doesnt love you otherwise he wouldnt have divorced you. it will be a slap on his face when u get married again inshallah because he thinks he used you and now no man will marry you, so he feels happy to accomplish that, is a man a real man who goes all the way to hurt a woman? you need a real loving man inshallah. think if you dont marry now then 20 years from now you will be old and single and alone? is that what you want for a man who doesnt even love you?i can guarantee you by allah inshallah you will forget him when another man entres your life who will love you and make you his wife! he divorced you. you are NOT his wife! so inshallah accept the proposal and make your life better for your own good, i can guamay allah have mercy on u. amein

    p.s. mwalid is bidah, the prophet s.a.w didnt do it, and the sahabah r..a didnr do it and tahir ul qadri is a fake i warn you against him, he does shirk and gets people to make sujood to him in his mahfils, and he tried to make people in their graves read kalimah when they are dead astughfirullah. inshallah act on the quran and sunnah. avoid the fake self made scholars

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