Questions to ask a potential future partner
A future wife has questions!
Assalam-o-alaikum brothers and sisters,
Me and my family are getting to know a guy for my marriage. I would want some ideas of how to find out if he is a good match for me or not. What questions should you ask a potential future partner?
The only thing that popped up in my head right now is if he would be ok with me working outside of the home.
What else should I ask, and what things should I be cautious about regarding his personality.? Both of us live in a European country.
- Cherryberry
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Salaams,
The questions you can ask a potential spouse are endless. Needless to say, what questions you should ask depend on what you are looking for in a spouse.
Apparently, you working outside the home is an important issue to you. What other issues are important? Have you thought about your own views on parenting, how you will handle conflict, what your expectations of marriage are as far as time spent with each other? If you haven't thought about it for yourself, then finding out what he thinks wouldn't have much value.
I think that the most important questions you should be asking are about his understanding of Islam and whether it matches what you understand as truth. What are his worship habits? What is his understanding of his rights and duties as husband? Or of his wife? What are his goals for marriage, besides sex? It also wouldn't hurt to ask about what kind of family he grew up in and what types of values he has taken from them that he will want to pass along in his marriage with you.
I don't think that questions about personality should be omitted. Marriage IS two personalities sharing a home and lives for years on end, so you should be able to feel comfortable that your personalities are compatible. Do you have the same tastes? Or does he love sports and you would rather play chess? Does he like things to be quiet after a long day, or is that when he is ready to start socializing? Unless you think a question would be inappropriate somehow, the sky is really the limit. This is a big decision in your life, and you should be able to get enough information to make a choice you are satisfied with.
Just remember this: no matter what questions you ask or how he answers them, what he does is going to tell you more about who he is than anything else. Observe him. Ask others who know him for stories that could tell you what kind of man he is. Give him a scenario, and ask how he would handle it (or better yet, create a scenario and watch what he actually does!). A doctor I used to work under would say, "You can always tell the true character of a person by the way they handle stress or pain"....so maybe that's an area you can explore as well by asking him a challenge he's faced and how he got through it.
Speaking personally, I used to have a test when I was trying to find someone I thought would be a good match for me. I am extremely open, and I wanted someone who was the same. When I first met a man I would ask him if I could look through his wallet. If he refused, it all stopped right there. If he agreed, I knew that not only was he able to be as open as I was, he was also trusting and honest like myself. Needless to say, my current husband handed his wallet over with no questions asked, and he has lived up to what I believe that indicated about him!
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Amy,
That is an absolutely awful test and most men would be sensible to avoid a woman who asks them to show her his wallet.
Do you know the shame it could potentially bring to him, the millio thoughts running in his head, why does she want to see my wallet?
The first thing I would think, be it correct or not, if someone asks me to show my wallet would be "golddigger". Thankfully there are people out there who do not have such a crazy manner in which to do their narrowing down of proposals.
I have found that most men who share information with their wives, the wives do not ask for the information or bother their husbands, it's the ones who ask questions and for information that husbands tend to be reluctant to share information.
If my wife starts asking too many questions about money like you clearly have, I'm going to make sure my account stays in my name and my salary is only known by me.
I concluded something completely different from Amy's post; the issue of money didn't cross my mind at all. I understood it more as a way of seeing how open and honest he is, not as a means to check his financial standing..I think its checking a wallet because that's something private..hence in today's world I think it's a better way to actually ask for his phone. Now THAT would really prove what kind of person they are- make sure you check the history and the Apps he has on his smartphone, lol. It could reveal so so much ;).
Salaams,
Yes that's interesting, never once then did I think about the obvious aspect of money---I was actually more interested to see the other things in there (business cards etc) that could tell me about that person. I could've cared less about money lol. I was just looking for a man who could be as trusting as myself, so if they had wanted to ramble through my purse in exchange that would've been fine by me. I wasn't suggesting that others do the same as I did; it was just am example of how to find creative ways to find a unique spouse for a unique seeker. It DID work for me. All I can say is if a potential husband had an issue handing over a wallet because of money concerns and didn't want me to know his monetary status ( or lack thereof), then he would not have been a good match for me because I believe in no secrets and all questions are welcome.
If I ever found myself single again I probably would not ask for a wallet.... I'd ask for his smartphone lol!
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
smartphone is good way too but another best way is viewing the potential's faceeeeeeeeeeeboooooooooook!!!- and don't add him/her as friend until you are married! with smartphone one can fix himself/herself before hand easily but with facebook you can't really. A lot of ppl are attached to their facebook. they can de-active it but most won't get rid of it. So through facebook you can get to know what kind of crowds/friends one hangs arounds or keeps in contact with and what kind of pics and comments an individual shares....
and yeah there is nothing wrong if one request to see one's wallet... it's just a wallet lol
I have to agree with John on this, if any woman asked me to hand over my wallet for inspection I would think she was nuts, and that would be the end of that! If she wants to look through my wallet before we're even married, imagine what a controlling, suspicious wife she will be.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Lol I guess the point was finding someone who wouldnt tempt me to develop those attributes because they were already a transparent kind of guy! Honestly though, I'm speaking as some one who was always being taken advantage of by others (back then) because I was always open and trusting and could never tell when others were not being the same, so it was a safety net at the time...I was always happy to explain that as well. Fortunately since then I've developed my intuitive skills so these things would not be necessary.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister, here's a very comprehensive list of questions to ask, found on Zawaj.com:
Questions to Ask a Prospective Marriage Partner
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor