Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I go back to my violent husband

Violent abusive husband choking his wife

salaam,

Im 20 yrs old and pregnant with my first child, I got married to a guy of my own choice who was very loving and caring before marriage but as soon as I married him he changed. He became very possesive and used to doubt me all the time.

Mind you I wasn't that islamic then and had a few guy mates who sometimes would message me asking how I am but because he didn't like it I cut off from them and all of my girl mates too.He would choose my clothes for me, I couldnt wear what I wanted not that I'd wear disrespectful clothes just shalwaar kamees. Then later he started hitting me when he'd get angry over little things for example why aren't his clothes ironed or food ready?

These slaps then turned to punches and kicks, I ended up with bruises so I called the police on him which turned my married life upside down. Noone respected me, they said I was a bad wife. What should I have done? He later took me on holiday to Egypt and used to beat me up every day and say go on call the police now!! I couldnt do anything but when I cameback I left him and stayed in a refuge as my parents were abroad. Because of that my whole family looks at me as though I'm the bad one, everyone says its my fault.

My husband after beating me up starts crying saying he doesn't know what happens to him and that he's sorry and he wont do it again but always hits me again. I'm now 7 months and living away from him at my uncles, my husbands doubting me that I'm with someone else and hates me. I love him and wish he'd change because I can't think of life without him but I'm afraid he doesn't love me and won't ever love me and will never change.

My whole family want me to go back to him and be patient and stay quiet and do whatever he wants me to do and never say a word.. I've started to read more about Islam and have started to wear hijab and pray 5 times daily a.h, My husband is a drug addict aswell I really need advice. I'm confused, I am young and have no idea what is right and what is wrong?? Should I go back and be patient like pakistani women should do?? please help me out...

jazakallah

-n4k514

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11 Responses »

  1. Assalaamu alaikum dear sister.

    I am sorry to hear about the difficulties you have faced at the hands of your husband. I want to reassure you that you have taken the right steps by leaving him. No one, male of female, should be treated in such a way, for any reason. The husband and wife are supposed to be garments for one another, protect one another and live with each other in mercy and your husbands behaviour has been disgusting. He seems to have issues so leave him to them. You are not a bad wife in any way - so dont let your family manipulate you into thinking this. You have done nothing wrong.
    Your parents attitude baffles me. How can they be encouraging their daughter to stay with a violent man?! It makes absolutely no sense!

    So DO NOT return to him. Do not let your family pressure you into returning. It is not safe for you or your unborn child.

    Do not fall for his promises to change or the pressure your family are putting on you. If the situation becomes dangerous, don't hesitate to contact the police. Consider a hostel again if you cannot stay with your family. Keep yourself safe at all costs. Alhumdulilah that you are getting close to the deen.

    If you need any additional advice, feel free to write on this forum. Alternatively if you want a female editor to contact you privately, we can also arrange that. Just let us know on here.

    I pray that Allah swt helps you through this and grants you the best spouse.
    Ameen

    You will be in my duas.
    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor
    x

  2. Asalamoalaikum sister,
    I am very sorry to read about your unfortunate situation. May Allah swt make this phase of life easier for you and give you the wisdom to make the right choice, ameen. You are not at fault sister; your husband has some serious issues of his own that he is projecting on you. Clearly he doesn't trust you and is treating you very ill. Like sister Sara said, no male or female deserves this type of treatment and no action of yours can justify him beating you and abusing you the way he does.

    I am glad you are sensible to get up and leave from the environment where he is constantly treating you ill and abusing. I see 2 solutions to this problem: 1.) Therapy/Counseling or 2.) Divorce. As in my eyes divorce should be the last resort where you have tried everything and all has failed I highly suggest you tell him straight up that he needs to change his ways and this won't be done through empty promises, other wise you will walk out with your unborn child. Of course there is a catch to the deal here and that is if he wants to remain with you then he must seek therapy/counseling as clearly the situation has gone out of hands, his empty promises will do you no good. He needs professional help.

    If he really loves you and does feel regret for his wrong doings but doesn’t know how to control himself then he will accept this proposal. If he doesn't, then you know he isn't worth it. You are a young girl with a whole life ahead of you. I am exactly your age so I can't imagine getting married and then getting divorced while bearing an unborn in me. Therefore, I would take these steps before making a final and sound decision. You need to know that you put your all into it and he wasn't worth it.

    I will pray for you and inshAllah I hope things work out for you.
    Stay strong sister!

  3. As salamu alaykum, sister nk4,

    I agree with Sara and Helping Sister.

    What is right is to keep your baby and yourself alive. He doesn´t control his instincts, your life and your baby´s life is at risk, you have done what is the best for both of you, stay away from danger.

    There are programms where a drug addict can rehabilitate, but does he acknowledge he has a problem? and if he does, does he want to solve it? His family should take care of him, it is dangerous for you to approach him, he must be furious, being violent and jealous it is an explosive combination, .... If you have to see him, try to be always with someone of your family.

    This violent behaviour is not normal, not healthy and you have taken the right decision in this kind of situation.

    If you feel you have to go to counselling to tell someone that can help you to understand your process, do it.

    Please, keep yourself and your baby safe, give your baby good memories to dream when he/she is born.

    All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Sister,

    The answer to your question here sister is...no, do not go back to your abusive husband. Any man who abuses his woman simply does not deserve her and is nothing more than a coward. I have come to believe that men who are like this are sick, there is no other way I can comprehend their behavior. Who cares what anyone says about you calling the police! I have done it and I will do it again if my life or that of my children is threatened. Don't listen to those who tell you to go back and keep quiet, what...are you not human?! That is the problem in Muslim society...everyone wants you to just "deal" with it and "keep quiet". Take a stand...say, "no more"! Stay with your uncle where you know you are safe and away from the abuse. Life is way too short and beautiful to live like this.

  5. This is an extremely, bad situation you have been in... You need to stay FAR away from this man whom has a sick mind and a dark heart. You are young, perhaps too young to know/see things clearly but you DO know that abusing is simply not allowed in any relationship, it leaves you scared for life... sometimes they even take your life either physically or mentally !!! Humdullah you will have your baby (a gift from Allah) and that is your little angel. You don't want to give this type of life to your child (angel). Your child deserves a chance... Many loving, caring men out there desiring to be your babys' daddy. You do not need this type of a sick psycho anywhere near you !!! Keep moving forward and do NOT turn back. You already have shown so much strength in leaving him . Keep up your strength and keep seeking counseling and a very strong faith/relationship with Allah. !! You will soon thank this site ; ) for our advice. The other 2 sisters have great advice too.- WE CARE !!!!

  6. Assalam o alaimum sister,

    let me draw your attention to the status of women in Islam, after Jahiliyyah. woman is now considered equal to men in reward, and in punishment. men has only one difference that he is leader. woman is allowed to marry a men whom she finds suitable to her, but with the consent of wali. woman is not supposed to be abused, rather, she is to be protected by husband. If woman is abused, and husband is no more bearable to her, then she is allowed to seek khula. Since, these are the rulings from Allah, no one should disrespect these. If a wife feels unsafe then parents must not push their daughters towards constant abuse. Rather they must let them enjoy the safety, which Allah has allowed.

    do not think that you are wrong just because your loved ones think so. stick to the criterion of deen, and be confident. for a while people may take you down but insha Allah later they shall count you as a good practicing muslim who has done what Allah has allowed.

    may Allah guide you and protect you from all kind of evils.

    • THANKS JAVED FOR ALL YOUR INFO... VERY NICELY SAID!! THIS WILL HELP ALL OTHER WOMEN WHOM ARE IN A SIMILAR SITUATION AND/OR ARE CONFUSED...MAY YOU RECEIVE MANY BLESSINGS !!!

  7. Salaam my sister,

    No, you should not go back you your husband and be his dog - would you put your had back in the fire after it has been burned? would you eat food if you knew there was poison on in it?

    It is unfortunate, that emotions and pressure from people who are near and dear to us has such a strong power over us as to make us blind from the clear danger that we are in. Therefore, I ask you to put any emotions to one side and recognise that putting yourself in harms way is not a good decisions.

    Therefore, turn away from your husband and no not pay heed ton any advice which leads you to a life of injury and pain, and have peace in your heart that this is the right decision and the best decision.

    In my opinion, all that you have done so far is the most excellent of behaviours, from calling the police to parting from him and staying with family away from him. This thinking is highly advanced, excellent and good thinking mashallah. You have not gone wrong so far in your thinking, do not fall at the finishing line by turning back.

    Peace,

    Leyla
    Editor, Islamic Answers

  8. Love should not hurt and with that i mean what u have gone throw with abusing man, do not go back to him sister he will continue hitting you, i cant believe that ur parents is saying u should go back to this horriable man that is also addicted to drugs, u are young and beautiful, you have ur child and yourself to think about make something in ur life inshallah like studing or working u r not worth this, take ur time and choose carefully next time u found a man, u r saying that u love him, if he would love u, he wouldnt put u in this situation right now, it was wrong of u to hae male friends in the start but u changged urself that was the only downfall u did, but like i said LOVE DOESNT HURT

  9. Salam to all

    (Comment has been deleted. Nadia, I can see your situation is serious. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we'll advise you when your turn comes in the queue, Insha'Allah. Thank you. - Wael, IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

  10. SALAAM
    I CANT GUIDE YOU FROM AN ISLAMIC POINT AS I AM NOT THAT KNOWLEDGEABL I AM JUST STARING TO SCRATCH THIS SIDE OF THINGS BUT I CAN AS A SISTER MOTHER AND FROM A PERSONAL POINT OF PROPESCTIVE
    sister i pray that allah guides you and strengthens your eeman it is the only thing that will get you through this incredibly horrible situation
    i am proud of you sister that you have turned to allah for support and guidence but you need to stay focused NEVER STOP PRAYING NEVER GIVE UP NEVER LOSE HOPE,
    PREGNACY IS A TIME WHEN A WOMEN NEEDS STABILITY AND ALOT OF TLC AND THIS situation does not help but never dispire you have alot of brothers and sisters out there inculding me to turn to
    right now lets get down to the gritty stuff
    1) right now your body is going to make you go through a mamouth of emotions you need to stay strong you need to keep yourself and your unborne child safe LOCK THAT IN YOUR MIND this is the basis at the moment and it will give you a reason to fight on
    2) NEVER EVER EVER TAKE HIM BACK THIS TIME YOU AND YOUR UNBORNE CHILD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH YOUR LIFE NEXT TIME YOU WOUNT! YOU ARE ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES THAT HAS BEEN ABLE TO SAVE HER UNBORN CHILD i lost one unborn child to the violience of my EX
    3) he wil never change and he will never admit he has a problem for which reason he willnever get help
    4) your life is not over just becouse you got married and you have a baby and your parents are against you life goes on you are going to be the most important person in your babies life your babyies suvival depends on you
    5) you also need to make sure you get some councelling one advice is THE LATEEF PROJECT look it up give them a chance they help me but before i knew of them i was getting councelling from rape crisis
    but the reason why i mention this is it will play a very important part in keeping your sanity someone to talk to to turn to for advice but more so teaching you again what is ok and what is not what is right and what is not WHAT IS THE NORM AGAIN
    I NEED TO READ NAMAAZ SO WILL TRY TO FINISH OFF LATER BUT LEAVE THIS WITH YOU AND OTHERS TO THINK ABOUT
    HUDAFIZ
    MAY ALLAH KEEP YOU UNDER HIS PROTECTION
    AMEEN

    sister everyone above is telling the truth and i have personally wittnessed it

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