Should I consider her for marriage even though she’s divorced?
Not sure whether to go ahead or not
Salaam.
I would like some advice. I met a girl through work a few years back. We became friends and I fell in love with her. I told her this and she said that she'd consider me for marriage.
I moved away and she found someone else and got married. Two years have passed and she has divorced from her husband and had asked me if I would forgive her and consider her for marriage.
I do still have feelings for this girl but I don't know what to do and would appreciate any advice.
- AH
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Asalaamualaykum Dear Brother,
We would have a much clearer picture if you mentioned why after proposing to this girl you moved away. What were the circumstances of your moving away? Were you both on good terms? Had you both made promises to wait for each other? What happened during that time would have revealed alot about both of your characters and your compatibiliy for marriage. SInce you have not mentioned that here, I can only give you a general reply.
There is nothing wrong with marrying a divorcee. All of the Prophet(saw)'s wives were either divorced or widowed except Aisha(ra) who was his(saw) only virgin bride. Allah(swt) sent the Prophet(saw) as a mercy for mankind and he(saw) was the best example for us, so learn from him. Hence, seeing as you are both single, there is no reason why not to consider each other for marriage as long as you conduct yourselves in the right manner and take into account that there are Islamic ettiquettes that we must adhere to when getting to know a potential spouse. Remember the Prophet (saw) instructed:
"No man has the right to be in the privacy with a woman who is not lawful for him. Satan is their third party unless there is a mahram". (Ahmad)
So be cautious and ensure that there is always a mahram for the girl present. I know sometimes this is not possible, so all I can say to you is be God-fearing, make sure you never meet alone in a private area and also be careful about how conduct yourselves in your emails and telephone calls where you think no-one else can see anything. Allah is All-Seeing and All-Knowing. Make sure your internal and external hijaabs are always present.
***
The Prophet(saw) recommended Muslims to select those partners who are best in religion(deen) and character. He(saw) said:
"A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property(wealth), for her rank(status), for her beauty, and for her religion (and character). So marry the one who is best in the religion and character and prosper". (Bukhari and Muslim)
So, brother ask yourself, 'Why do you want to get married?'
Do you want to get married because you:
- feel lonely?
- want to have children?
- want to fulfil your sexual desires?
- think you won't find any other girl to marry?
- want someone to cook and clean for you?
- OR do you want to get married because you want to fulfil half your deen by marrying a girl who will give you companionship, who shares the same values and principles as you, wants to learn and practise her deen with you and raise your children and family in an Islamic manner? If the answer to this question is 'yes', then as a Muslim, I will say your focus is in the best direction Alhumdulillah.
***
Although you may think you know this girl enough for marriage, I believe you should ask her all the questions one would ask anyone they are proposing marriage to. Take the help of family members to make enquiries, do not ignore your past experiences with her, use this past knowledge and also what you know of her now to assess your compatibility and suitability. If there are any unresolved issues from the past, especially surrounding the events that lead to you moving away and her marrying someone else - do not ignore them as they will surely come back to haunt you. Bring them to the surface and discuss them - it is important to clear the air.
Some questions/points you may want to consider are: Why did she marry someone else? Why did she get divorced? Is she God-fearing? Is she striving to improve herself in deen and character? Is she trustworthy? Does she have a forgiving/compassionate and humble nature? Do you respect each other? Do you communicate well? Are you attracted to one another? It is important to be attracted to your potential spouse intellectually aswell as physically, but you should not marry for the sole purpose of physical attraction. The driving force should always be 'deen and character', as this will inshaAllah last and the looks will undoubtedly fade with age.
***
Remember, marriage is a life long committment and inshaAllah one which will help us enter Jannah, so consider wisely, curb your emotions, discipline yourself and seek Allah(swt)'s guidance. Be steadfast upon your deen, stick to your five a day - I am referring to your Salaah not your daily intake of Fruit :O). Once you have found all the information you require about this sister concerning marriage, pray Istikhara Salaah and take it from there.
Ramadan is approaching fast Alhumdulillah, may we all live through Ramadaan in a state of obedience to Allah and may we reap as many blessing as possible inshaAllah. Brother, use this time to seek Allah's forgiveness and guidance in this matter of yours :O).
"Our Lord! Grant us a spouse and offspring who will be the joy (and the comfort) of our eyes, and guide us to be models of righteous (Leader of God-concious people). " (Qur'an 25:74)
Best Wishes
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com, Editor