Should I marry a man who refuses to share his past with me?
Hi I am a girl of 23 years old. I live in UAE. My family is very simple yet modern. I love a man who is 33 of age. I am in love with him since last 4 years.
When our relationship started I didn’t know that he was married before. I made up my entire mind in all aspect to marry him I used to ask him to marry him but he asked me to wait but I wasn’t ever inquisitive because I'm myself studying now.
Then one day he came up to me and told me that he was MARRIED before for seven years and that his marriage was arranged and that it was a fraud. He said she wasn’t pretty and was fat. He didn’t like her and didn’t accept her from the first day and with the passage of time her behavior was the worst and that she used to look for other proposals in his presence etc. so he decided to divorce her because she didn’t cooperate.
I asked him about his physical relationship with her and he said that he did not have any physical relations with her because he didn’t like her physically. In seven years he didn’t have intercourse with her. He explained all this to me once. Then he went to another country for job. I had a tough time and my trust was shattered. I didn’t know what to do, but I loved him so I accompanied him.
Now his family came to my house for proposal. There is a hell of difference in our families, they are very religious practicing and my family is not that much. Secondly recently after 6 months, AS HE TOLD ME THE PAST I asked him some of the questions related to his wife. He got pissed off at me and restricted me to ask each and every question for once and never discuss the topic in life again IF I WANNA live with him, because this topic disturbs him now.
I am upset and don’t know what to do because already I’ve endured family differences, his age and the divorce. Now he is forbidding me to ask any questions relating to his past and also imposing on me to have hijab after marriage (as I don’t wear hijab right now). I love him but I want suggestions? What to do?
I won’t feel comfortable when he restricts me to question because it will cut from inside. I want to have a good understanding with him through out. What steps should I take? Please suggest. What religiously should I do?
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Salaams,
Honestly, he is not required to tell you the details about his previous marriage. He was honest and told you he was previously married, and really that's all you need to know. Why do you feel the need to find out what type of relationship it was, or what kind of woman she was? She has nothing to do with what you are planning with him now. His relationship is his past, and you should be dealing with him as you know him now.
I think it's unreasonable for you to even ask about his intimate relationship with a previous wife. Even if he had been intimate with her, what business is that of yours? That's what married couples are SUPPOSED to do, and for you to lose trust or get jealous about it is immature. I think his response is entirely appropriate, and the right thing for you to do is abide by his request and drop the subject permanently.
As far as hijab, that's something you should be doing on your own as well. He is not wrong to expect you to cover appropriately when you are his wife, and I'm sure he's not entirely thrilled that you're not even doing it now.
If you feel like his requests- which Islamically are not only reasonable but admirable- are dealbreakers for you, then simply don't marry him. There are men out there who will answer your every question or not care if you cover or not. I tend to think that there's more to that package than just the perceived benefits you will reap in those men, but you are free to do as you wish and choose whom you wish to marry.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam Sister,
I personally feel that anyone who says someone is fat and not pretty is not worth knowing.What is this person, some kind of hero. The very fact that he has pointed this out should have alarm bells ringing in your head. Okay he had an arranged marriage and they did not get on that is fine but to get personal about someone that is not fair.The other person is not there to give there side and there are always two sides to a story.
What happens if you get fat tommorrow and your looks go? will he not like you anymore.Have a good think about what I am saying.
As for the hijab that is something you need to decide if you want to wear or not. My first piece of advice is to take a break from this person for a month, think long and hard,you are young, this person is 10 years older then you.
The opening comments that this man has made makes me thinks he does not have any respect for women,perhaps.Please think carefully,I thinkyou are better not knowing this person,but it is your choiceat the end of the day.
Take Care
Allah Hafiz.
Asalaam alaykum,
I'd like to share another dimension to his comments, if you would please give it a moment's consideration. He was evidently unhappy with this marriage with a woman who openly looked for other men. For him to recall it is a nightmare for him and he would prefer to forget about it.
When he called the former wife fat and ugly, what he was really saying was, "She was fat, you are perfectly shaped for me. She was ugly, but you are beautiful." Men don't always have the right words and tact, so this was his attempt, though perhaps misguided, to pay his new potential wife a compliment. He's essentially saying, "You are nothing like her and I prefer you because of that." Again, it wasn't perfect, but maybe we should give him a little benefit of the doubt.
I think the age has only become an issue because now the sister is having second thoughts, but it really shouldn't because it was only after these things cropped up that she started thinking about it.
Concerning the hijab: from my understanding it is Islamically allowed for the man to request that his wife wear it as a condition of marriage. It's a request either you could fill or reject, but there is no doubt that he would then be in his right to base his marriage proposal on that fact.
As Sister Amy has said, I think that wearing the hijab is something that is appropriate for him to ask for and it dignifies you. However, it is her choice ultimately, though it is a command from Allah (swt).
Sister Zaib un nisa, I think the real concern is that you need to decide whether you can marry a divorced man without ever knowing about that marriage. Islamically, is is not good manners to inquire about the details of it. I know that perhaps you are seeking a virgin man, so make up your mind on this and give him the benefit of the doubt that what he says is true. There was a post on here a week or two ago where two people married for 10 years had not consummated their marriage, so though it's weird, it's not unheard of.
Yet, consider the fact if you can accept his explanation or not. It's up to you.
Instead, I think you should concentrate what makes a happy marriage for you and him, and if you two share the same future. Ask him about his religious aspirations and wants of you and see if this is something that you are ready for. These aspects are more important to focus on.