Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I lied to my family, but the truth would destroy them

Truth and liesI have lied to my family throughout my life. At the time, I was ignorant and didn't care about myself or the lies I was telling or how it was affecting my family. Years later, I started praying and started feeling really guilty about my lies. I've stopped telling the lie and have begged and cried to Allah for forgiveness.

I know that if my family found out or if I told them the truth, it'd hurt them, anger them, lead them to hate me or even hurt me, and could destroy my family and bring shame and embarrassment onto them and me. The lies I told have caused them worry and sadness and pain but I've read that one should always conceal their own sins.

But what if I've lied to my family  in the past and made them worry and caused them emotional pain? But then realised my sins, regretted them and begged Allah for forgiveness and repented, and telling them the truth now would hurt them, cause pain and sadness and possibly ruin the family? Am I still meant to conceal my sins? How do I achieve Allah’s forgiveness?

I've read that I can ask forgiveness from my family generally, i.e, saying that I'm sorry for the pain and worry I've caused them but I'm worried in case they ask what I’m asking forgiveness for or they say “you didn’t do it on purpose” when I know the lies I told were purposely told. I regret all the lies I’ve told, I regret hurting my family and causing them to worry. I beg Allah for forgiveness and beg him to conceal my sins. I’m truly scared that Islamically I’d have to tell them the truth and it’d destroy my family and cause shame and embarrassment and so much pain that could never be undone. Please advice me.

I feel really depressed and cry to Allah. I'm really regretful and wish I could undo it all. I'm scared I'd have to tell them or Allah would reveal my sins to them.


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7 Responses »

  1. You have done a good job so far concealing your sin but, it's clearly taking a toll on your mental health. It seems to be eating you away. So you're left to tell them. If i were you, I would plan the date that I would tell them and that would give me time to save money and get myself sorted incase I get kicked out. And when you confess. Confess to the parent you're most closer to

  2. I don't trust people once I come to know they lie frequently without any reason. If your family does not know about your lies, telling them is not going to help. Do you know if other family members also lie? How did you learn to lie (from who)?
    Just be nice to every one and STOP lying. Looks like you are not much involved in life where you think about other things. Your mind is just involved with your lies.

  3. Salaam, There's a hadith, were the Prophet(Sallahu Alayhi wa Sallam) advised if you do wrong to someone behind their back and if telling them will cause more fitna, than you fast on their behalf, pray for them, give sadaqah on their behalf, etc.

  4. Only the wronged person may forgive the one who wronged him/her. Therefore, one must find a way to make himself forgiven by the one who he wronged. Otherwise, the problem will be solved in the hereafter, which will turn into a grave issue. If the person that we wronged has passed away, we must find his heirs and pay our debt.
    If one does not please the person he wronged here in this world, he will be interrogated in the other world and the wronged one will get his right from him.

    However, if the wrong-doer regrets later on, repents sincerely, lives like a person that pleases Allah, but cannot find the person he wronged, it is expected from the mercy of Allah to ask the wronged one to forgive the other, in the other world, on condition that Allah bestows blessings on the wronged one. In return, the wronged one will forgive him as long as the repenter is sincere in his repentance.
    However, if the wrongdoer wants to pay for his wrong doings to those he hurt, but cannot find them, then he is recommended to do good things on their behalf, give alms and pray for them.
    If we wronged someone who is hard to please, we must find a way to pay his share directly or via a deputy. If that person does not know that we wronged him and if it is not possible to express it openly, then we need to leave the money onto his desk or home or through another means, and then tell him about the situation with a note. There is no need to mention the name directly.

    Man is an honorable being. Wronging his moral values like his freedom, honor, chastity and dignity is a grave sin, just like an encroachment done to his life and assets. They are all grave responsibilities.

    One may have wronged another person willingly or unwillingly, knowingly or unknowingly. Or he may encroach his rights to the extent that causes the loss some of his rights. We cannot avoid being fully away from faults and sins, even if we strive to control ourselves or have strong self-determination to remain righteous.

    What must we do in this case, which may be considered natural? Does it merely suffice to say “It happened once inevitably, it will not happen again, I wish I had not done it” with an inner soul-searching? Or, should we try to compensate for our faults through correcting our wrongs and asking for forgiveness from the one we wronged by expressing our regrets ?

    Essentially, in Islam, there are two kinds of rights: the right of Allah and the right of the people. The right of Allah means the duties that every man should fulfill towards his Lord. Any failure or sin or shortcoming in this sense, requires sincere invocation, repentance and asking frogiveness from Allah. However, the right of people is different. There is only one compensation for it. That is, meeting the wronged one personally, asking for pardon and forgiveness and paying for the losses.

    Our Prophet (PBUH) states the following in a hadith : “If one has wronged his brother’s dignity or assaulted his assets unrightfully, he must have himself forgiven before the Doomsday where there is no gold or silver to pay. Otherwise, some of his good deeds (equal to the rights of that person) will be taken away from him and given to that person. If he has no good deeds, then the sins of the wronged one will be given to him. “

    Yes, also according to our Prophet’s (PBUH) advice, there is no solution in this case, other than pleasing the wronged one. In so much that, even if a person has become a martyr but has wronged someone, all of his sins are forgiven except the wrongs done to that person. Thus, the only remedy is applying to the wronged person to please him through confessing the mistake and asking for forgiveness. If there is a financial loss, you should pay for it as much as you can to please him.

    So, you will have done your best. If he responds positively, shows tolerance and understanding, then you will have gotten rid of the responsibility and thus of the torment and account in the hereafter through settling the problem in this world.
    However, if you still feel remorse, you can repent additionally. You will have relieved before Allah as it is stated in this hadith : “Regret is the repentance itself”, “ A repenter from sins is just like one who has not committed any sins at all. “
    How can a person understand and discern that his repentance has been accepted, he has been freed from the sin ?

    Let us get the answer from the Prophet (PBUH) :

    “One who repents and does a good deed following a committed sin, is like a person who wears a very tight armor on himself. Following the sin, if he does a good deed, one of the rings of the armor will be released; following another good deed, another ring will be released. After the good deeds, the armor will fall off the body”

    We deduce from the hadith that a person who committed sin against Allah or wronged someone, can be freed from those sins, and the buttons of the armor of the sin will be unbuttoned quickly through regretting following the sin and doing good deeds and increasing his services of the Quran and faith. So, it will not be necessary to feel remorse and feel uneasy or distress any more because he is regarded to have done his best with a pure intention and sincerity.

    Meanwhile, we should not forget this verse of the Quran : “Say: "O my Servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah: for Allah forgives all sins: for He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.”

    Bukhari,Mazalim ( Persecutions),10
    2. at-Targhib wa't-Tarhib, 4:97.
    3. ibid ., 4:106
    4. Surah az-Zumar, 53.

  5. How can I send my question please help me by telling the process

  6. I strongly suggest that you not tell your family anything about whatever it is you did. There is a principle in Islam of choosing the lesser harm. In this case, keeping your secret is by far the lesser harm than destroying your family. The important thing is that you have made tawbah and changed your ways. You are no longer involved in whatever it is you had to lie about. Keep your past to yourself, and as sister Mayameen said, focus on doing good in the future.

    Wael Editor

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