Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Want to convert from Ahmedi to Sunni but fear family will disown me

The first Ahmadi mosque in France

The first Ahmadi mosque in France. The movement was founded in 1889 in India by Ghulam Ahmad, who claimed to be the Mahdi and the promised Messiah.

Question:

Asalaamualiakum

I commented on another question but I felt I needed to know more about what I am doing right now.

I am 17 and I live in England, my parents are Ahmedi.

However, recently I've been wanting to convert to Sunni and I now practice as one without my parents knowledge.

If  I'm going to tell my parents I will get kicked out my house or put on 'house arrest' or something stupid like that because Ahmedi have really backward ways of doing things and my family would never let me make this choice for myself.

It hurts me that I can't show my true faith and I'm really confused about what I want to do. I'm only 17 and am still young, havent even finished my college but I'm doing really well and hope to go uni but if I tell my parents this will mess up my education for sure.

I've been introduced to a good family through some Sunni friends from the mosque and will inshallah get married to the oldest son who is really pious and religious and I've grown to love him but havent sinned.

I'm not in a rush to get married but will I need to if I get kicked out? His family live near my school and near to the mosque and near the university to which I wish to go to.  His family see me as their daughter already and are willing to support me through this change in faith.

I would be very greatful if you could help me.

Thank you

- IB786

Leyla's Answer:

Salaam Sister,

I would advise that you wait until your marriage with this boy is official, that he has come to your home, asked for you and agreed to marry you before you take any steps towards him or his family, or indeed, count or rely on them for support. Whilst I am sure they are very good people with very good intentions - a relationship is not halal until you are married, so be wary of this.

If you need to approach the topic of religious preference I would advise that you first of all bring up the topic in a neutral manner for conversation so you can gauge their feelings on the matter - it may be that they don't mind, it may be that they are very strict about it - so until you find out where they stand, you cant really make a good plan to tell them in a "good way".

When you tell your parents that you have changed your way of thinking regarding their religion, they will naturally seek a cause for that, and they will naturally assume that it is because of this boy. They will have a reaction to that, and seeing as a boy is involved, that reaction is highly likely to be negative. So be aware of how to present your thoughts and feelings, and what you are telling them and how you are explaining your feelings. Be patient with this process of speaking with them, understand that it is hard for a parent who has raised a good, dutiful daughter up to age 17 and then to hear her announce a change in everything you have taught her - and know that their reactions (negative and positive) are very natural. Their reactions will go up and down in severity and your job during this time is to remain very calm, very patient, loving and hold your ground on your faith and stay emotionally stable. That means you don't cry, don't tell them that they are wrong, don't take anything they say personally - just stay calm and patient and understanding of them. Parent's who feel that their child is going awry will respond with guilt, fear and anger and this is a sign of love from them to you. No matter how "backward" they are - your parents have loved you, fed you and raised you all of these years - so please appreciate them, their reactions and their feelings, because they are people too.

What is important regarding your faith is that Allah knows what is in your heart and that is the most important thing. Before you turn your home upside down, make sure your position is clear and safe, i.e. you have been accepted into university, and you're future is clear in front of you, this boy is coming to your home to ask for your hand in marriage. Then, when these things are definitely yours and cannot be removed from your life, and everything is as definite as possible - then is the time to approach your parents.

Peace,

Leyla
IslamicAnswers.com Editor


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8 Responses »

  1. Salaam Sister,

    I would advise that you wait until your marriage with this boy is official, that he has come to your home, asked for you and agreed to marry you before you take any steps towards him or his family, or indeed, count or rely on them for support. Whilst I am sure they are very good people with very good intentions - a relationship is not halal until you are married, so be wary of this.

    If you need to approach the topic of religious preference I would advise that you first of all bring up the topic in a neutral manner for conversation so you can gauge their feelings on the matter - it may be that they don't mind, it may be that they are very strict about it - so until you find out where they stand, you cant really make a good plan to tell them in a "good way".

    When you tell your parents that you have changed your way of thinking regarding their religion, they will naturally seek a cause for that, and they will naturally assume that it is because of this boy. They will have a reaction to that, and seeing as a boy is involved, that reaction is highly likely to be negative. So be aware of how to present your thoughts and feelings, and what you are telling them and how you are explaining your feelings. Be patient with this process of speaking with them, understand that it is hard for a parent who has raised a good, dutiful daughter up to age 17 and then to hear her announce a change in everything you have taught her - and know that their reactions (negative and positive) are very natural. Their reactions will go up and down in severity and your job during this time is to remain very calm, very patient, loving and hold your ground on your faith and stay emotionally stable. That means you don't cry, don't tell them that they are wrong, don't take anything they say personally - just stay calm and patient and understanding of them. Parent's who feel that their child is going awry will respond with guilt, fear and anger and this is a sign of love from them to you. No matter how "backward" they are - your parents have loved you, fed you and raised you all of these years - so please appreciate them, their reactions and their feelings, because they are people too.

    What is important regarding your faith is that Allah knows what is in your heart and that is the most important thing. Before you turn your home upside down, make sure your position is clear and safe, i.e. you have been accepted into university, and you're future is clear in front of you, this boy is coming to your home to ask for your hand in marriage. Then, when these things are definitely yours and cannot be removed from your life, and everything is as definite as possible - then is the time to approach your parents.

    Peace,
    L

  2. Hi

    I know this post was wrote 2 years ago and I'm not sure of your current situation! Whether you have reverted to Islam or are still considering this guy

    I can relate to your situation sister, I was born into a ahmadi family... I know the teachings,values how it's not as easy for ahamdis and other sects to marry and how families are outcasted if you were to marry a Sunni boy! It's quite extreme what happens and I totally understand where you are coming from
    Depending on what your family is like either they will stick by you or the jamatt but first and foremost you have to find Islam! I was in the same situation as you but my famil were not too involved in the jamat..I slowly distanced myself,researched about the true Islam, spoke to women who could help me as I was too scared to speak to m parents at first! Once I did my shahada I felt a big weight off m shoulders I thought wow now I'm ready to embrace Islam the right way as I honesty did not feel ahamdiya like my relatives did...but once simplified Islam seemed so much more beautiful than what I was taught to believe! Not knowing ur situation today keep focusing on Allah,islam... Stay paitent always trust me doors will open themselves jus don't feel pressured ever to think ahead let Allah guide you! If this guy wants to marry you no one can stop it and it will happen leave it to Allah and embrace islam without fear of what people will think!! X

  3. if u would to help me so i can accept your religion i just want to go in canada plz help me and contact with me...******

    • I don't understand what exactly you are seeking, but if you sincerely wish to accept Islam you have only to visit your local mosque and talk to the people there. They can guide you.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. It's 2016 now and you posted it in 2010 therefore i don't know your situation now.

    Anyways my advice is you keep in contact with the boy and his family and don't tell your parents about this until you finished university, etc. After you finished your university, and have other requirements ready to move out, then its time to tell your parents about it because you'll have somewhere to go if they kick you out i.e another family. If you tell your parents before your education then they may kick you out and i'll effect your grades, finish your university, be prepared having all requirements ready to move out, and then tell your parents. If they then accept you they accept, if they kick you out then you have another family to go to & and can get married to him shortly after. .

  5. Ahmadi can't merry with sunni if he want to be a sunni he have to wait till he could stand up own his legs and after he can declare openly

  6. Anyone wants any type of help he can contact me via WhatsApp my nmbr is ***

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