The man I loved betrayed me and married another. Who will marry me?
Wondering.
Asalamulukum brothers and sisters
I wrote to you all regarding my break up and betrayal by my ex in April.
The man I love has married some one else
Alhumduliah I'm better from the time I wrote this pervious blog, that day must of been the darkest day of my life as I felt everything had just crumbled and not being melodramatic but thought my life was over because he got married!
Since that day ive become to close to Allah I repent my sins, how I filled my heart for love for a man not Allah, how I was blinded and failed to read the signs and I'm trying to understand slowly yeah everything happens for a reason and Allah has saved me in the long run.
I have many times throughout the day where my heart sinks and I feel depressed. But I think more what makes me down and depressed is what's next for me? My ex who I loved with all my heart left me without no notice and got married to someone who was compatible for his family
I feel sad most of the time that my life is pretty complicated I know inshallah I will get married but I feel like which man will marry me?
My family issues are kinda complex, I was born a ahmadi family, never really understood what they believed in as my farther had a mainstream approach and we didnt really integrate as much as my aunties/uncles do. As time passed I i questioned "who am i" as my counsins where all so drawn in and loved being an ahamdi and wore the label with such pride where I was like clueless and thought something must be wrong with me as I don't feel the same passion as them I must be a bad Muslim.
I then researched the truth and the real Islam, With the help of my next door neighbour who also encouraged me I and came to Islam without my parents knowledge. Soon after a death in my family i told my parents and encouraged them to break away as they needed that push.. And like myself they came to islam, which my extended family were furious about. Emotionally trying to make my farther feel guilty for ruining his farther nasal my parents did not give into emotional blackmail and pressure and remained faithful to Allah and our new life.
My main concern is my ex family failed to accept me for this reason, not the fact that I wasn't a Muslim but my extended family there beliefs. Even though we have moderate ties with them .they still used the fact we couldn't get married was because of my roots. I mean this is beyond my control where my ancestors come from but surly who I am now that's what matters.
Either way this makes me think my ex knew me for so many years my struggle with family to break away educate myself about Islam and come to the right path, yet for them I wasn't *** muslim enough*** it just hurts me how narrow minded people are! Seriously I feel so disheartened by his family how they used this as such a lame excuse but I do know people have problems with Ahmadis but I am no longer following! I sometimes find it a struggle to disconnect myself from my past, explain myself time and time again my family history which I don't mind but people are left bemused to be fair.
i have contact with my Family who are ahamdi, with family gatherings my cousins don't really talk to me and my aunts and uncles feel that I've gone crazy lol and try and try to persuade me with ristahas of educated rich guys like there sort But don realise that's not what I want! I just want a good pious MUSLIM husband how hard is that to explain?I'm constantly battling with everyone my extended family. Mashallah my parents are with me but they know we will struggle but where prepared for it
I live in a small town and the other day a l heard this group call me a kafir and spraying so much hAtred about myself and my family which really broke me down. I felt like the need to explain to her how dare u judge me as she thought i was a ahamdi but instead I thought I'll allow it ..Allah knows what's in my heart people in this world are just plain nasty.
From childhood to now With so many encounters with narrow ignorant people it just makes me think I've accepted Islam, allah has accepted me yet the people still don't accept me! I mean how will I find a ristha a good pious husband who will understand and accept my past my family and not use it against me? My faith has been tested and I have full faith in Allah what happens but I just feel in doubt to trust any human in understanding me and my struggles as that's just been used against me!
Many of my cousins married Sunni boys and then changed because of love I researched and found love for islam not because of a man. I just feel so low how my struggles just keep apearing in so many ways I'm really exhausted with life I know it's bad to say but I feel so tired explaining myself people not understanding me and my intensions.
Please give me some advice or prayers to take some anxiety away, I've come so far alhumduliah from the last few months now I'm just anxious and sad. I know I can't control what happens what people think and maybe I should grow a thick skin and get ready to accept that I won't ever be able to move away from my past:-(
-madi
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AsSalamualaikum,
Sister, the World is full of people who aid Shaitaan in any way possible. All the people you have met are from such a lot.
Alhamdulillah, you have realized you were mistaken to have had a relationship with that guy.
Now that people are not ready to believe in your change, you will need to get married to a pious guy. For this, you need to find a suitable man, then convince him that you have become a Muslim, and wish to learn more, believe in Muhammad Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam as the Final Messenger, and eventually Please Allah, until you reach the Jannah.
The question is "How?"
There are some options I can think of:
1. Get in touch with an Islamic Center in your town, which could help you in the situation, and arrange for a groom from among the brothers who visit them. The sisters in the Center could help. If there are no sisters, take your father to the brothers there, and ask him to explain the situation. Insha Allah, you'll find some help.
2. Ask your father to approach the Imam of a Muslim Masjid, who would have contact with the people who visit the Masjid, and would see if there are suitable men for you to get married to, and secure your Dunya and Aakhirah.
There could be other options. But there are what come to my mind now. Eventually, according to me, what will solve your problems is Nikaah.
And Allah Knows Best
May Allah aid you in this, and find you the perfect match
Aameen
Wassalamualaikum
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
May Allah (swt) reward you for the hardships you are facing and give you strength to deal with the things they say. My dear sister there is a 'small' part of me which almost envies you because the difficulties you are facing are because of your deen. That InshaAllah will be immense reward for you as long as you are firm. Because you are being mocked because of your faith and they only seek to misguide you. Do not listen to them.
“Indeed, the home of the Hereafter – that is the [eternal] life, if only they knew.” (Qur’an 29:64)
Sister I strongly recommend that you look into the Seerah of the Rasool (SAW) and read the lives of the Prophets of Islam as well. I have little knowledge in this so I cannot comment specifically but they went through the most difficult trials and InshaAllah it will be a comfort for you and help you put things into perspective.
Think of this way. For every 1000 people, 999 will go to Jahannam only 1 will enter Jannat. The gift of eman and deen is beautiful and not given to every person. Of course we cannot say that any person will enter Jannat, even those who seem pious as we cannot say that any person will enter Jahannam even those who seem corrupt - because Allah only knows whats in our hearts and our state at the time of death.
But think of it this way. out of all of the people in the world, Allah (swt) chose you and your parents to be Muslims. Alhumdulilah, He (swt) must love you so much!
So think of the Aakhirah, and be patient. I know it is easier said then done but it does help to have a thick skin and trust in Allah and expect His reward for this difficulty.
-As for this family of this guy rejecting you: - everytime this thought comes into your head seek refuge with Allah from the accursed satan. And remind yourself of something sister. 'You are far better off without this guy or his family. If they would refuse you based on that then you definietly are. And you dont want to be in a family who look down on you for such reasons.
- As for marriage, please try not to worry about it too much especially at this point. It is a small issue and at the right time take the steps towards marriage. I cannot stress enough to give yourself some time before you seek marriage. Two months is not very long.
Naturally you are hurt because you couldnt marry the guy. When my ex-fiancee left me some years back I was devestated so I do understand how you feel somewhat sister. I went through a whole transition of stages from inability to accept, to anger to grief. After some months I too thought 'what next' and I suddenly felt an itching need to get married. For some reason I felt no one would want to marry me despite the fact I had the qualities most brothers are looking for, Alhumdulilah.
I realise now on hindsight that it was natural to feel that way. When someone rejects you, you take it to heart even if you don't realise this you believe they left because something is wrong with you and you are deficient in some way. You are notsister. It doesnt work like that. Some people are good together, others are not. I just want to take this time to remind you sister that you are beautiful and Alhumdulilah, Allah has blessed you, so stay firm and know this. When the time is right, Allah will facilitate a means.
I also want to tell you something else. Some months after I received a proposal. I was so happy! Lol. The guys sister liked me and the brother sounded like a nice guy. Everything was all OK until my mother told her my father was a revert and of a different race. I never heard from them again. It was a bit upsetting at the time and I fretted for a while thinking: who is going to marry someone who has non-Muslim extended relatives. I have so many ethnicities in my extended relatives as well. Some are traditional Asians etc. But SubhanAllah it's not a worry anymore. And tbh I really dont want someone who is going to judge me on my extended family at all. I love them, I pray for them and I keep appropriate ties with them. That's a pre-requisite for me.
In successful marriage or any relationship you need acceptance. The person you marry needs to accept themselves for who they are as well as accept you for who you are. And vice versa, you must do the same. Marriage is no light matter. I suggest you seek self development, grow spiritually and learn about yourself. Allow yourself to heal fully - start the path to becoming self actualised. Healing is like re-building and it takes time. Get close to Allah and InshaAllah try to grow a thicker skin!
Go on a marriage course too to learn about it. 'Before you say I do' by Yasir Fazaga is AMAZING! If there is one on in your country then do try to attend. Its on on peace TV from time to time as well. Or another good marriage course.
If you are from the UK, I recommend joining IIDRs mailing list. They are hoping to run a self development course in the near future so it will notify you of new courses. Click on the link below to do this.
http://www.iidr.org/courses/index.html
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
http://destination-jannah.com/2011/12/15/dear-muslim-ummah/
Also sister, when you do decide you are prepared to search please take care and involve family at every step. If you meet someone you are interested in do tell your family and ask him to seek your hand in marriage through them. Don't go behind their back. If he needs time then be accomadating for a while but dont talk to him behind your parents back.
One thing I realised is that as Muslims girls we are often careful to protect our bodies from zina, but we forget to protect our heart from loving someone unlawful to us. It is normal to have feelings but we must channel them in the correct way. Falling in love with someone you cant marry is pretty disastrous.
So I cannot stress enough these things:
- Involve family ASAP.
- Never ever be alone with a non-mahram man, especially someone you like because whena man an woman are alone shaitan is the third.
- Any contact you do have should be with a third person present, ideally your parents or a mahram.
- Avoid any type of physical contact or sweet/lustful words. One good way to think about whether its acceptable to say or not is to aslk yourself: if a parent was listening to you now would you say it?
- Which brings me to: avoid chatting on the phone without being in earshot of a parent.
These sound very strict but hoenstly it works and should be considered when seeking a spouse.
Of course I stand by my original answer though.
Sara
IslamicAnswerscom Editor
MashAllah sister, what a great reminder!
-Helping Sister
asalamalikum,
sara, i agree with you, but sometimes its soo difficult . for instance i live on my own. there is none in my family( and i mean really none) who lives where i live. my family members are not interested in finding someone for me, so when friends introduce me to someone i then have to take it further from there. oys then want to talk for sometime before they can make up their mind and so do i , as i dont know them and want them to know me as well. in doing so one can eventually start liking that person , and its obvious that if you didnt like them in the first instatnce why would you talk further. we cant just rely on just one time talk, can we?
Assalamou 'alaikum,
Dear friend, I do very much agree with you that what sister Sara said is very difficult. This does not mean that we should seek easy alternatives that are haram. The road to Jannah is very tough.
Allah ,'azza wa jal, say in the Quran:
"And shown him the two ways (good and evil)? But he has made no effort to pass on the path that is steep. " [S90 A10-11]
There is no doubt that knowing the person you are engaged to will help your marriage. But have you ever wondered why the majority marriages of non-muslims in the west ends with divorce or worse. They follow the idea of getting to know your would be spouse to the very extreme. Then why are those marriages such a mess?
Firstly, getting to know the person you would marry is recommended in the Sunnah of the Prophet (SAW). More than that he(SAW) recommended that you love the person you are going to marry. It is very difficult to love someone if you do not know her/him.
It was narrated from al-Mugheerah ibn Shu’bah that he proposed marriage to a woman, and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “Go and look at her, because that is more likely to create love between you.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi)
Secondly, the most important thing that will bring love and happiness in a marriage is the blessing of Allah (SWT).
Allah says in the Quran:
And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect. [S30 A21]
Indulging into a haram relationship will get you to know the other person really well but will not give you the blessing of your Allah. Therefore we should be very much careful about the relationship before marriage to be halal. Sister Sara's made very good points on how to keep the relationship halal.
Hope this helps sister.
Assalam.
salam yoda,
thank you so much for your reply.
'Indulging into a haram relationship will get you to know the other person really well but will not give you the blessing of your Allah'
you are so right. i will keep that in mind always.
jazakallah khairun
Assalamou 'alaikum
Dear sister Madi,
I hope by the grace of the Almighty that your life improves and keep improving. I pray to Allah that He brings happiness in your life.
You have done something amazing when you entered Islam. Subhanallah. The way you entered it, is also to your credit.
Know that this will not please in the very least Iblis and be prepared for his attacks. He will use all the means available to him to get to you. And among his awliya, there are jinns and men.
If he cannot get to you directly, he will use people to attack you.
So be aware that when these people are attacking you, they are only just following shaitaan.
The fact that you have your family (close) with you is a great support and blessing. There are a lot of sisters that goes through situations similar and that are all by themselves.
I would go with sister Sara about reading the seerah of the Prophet (SAW). It would help also if you read about the great women of Islam.
Nikah is one of the mean that can help improve your situation. Supplicate to Allah, 'azza wa jal, to make this easy for you. Learn about Allah's beautiful names and use them in your supplications. One of His name is Al-Fattah and one of the meaning of this swifaat is 'the one who opens closed doors that none can open'. Supplicate using this name and insha Allah the Lord of the worlds will open doors of happiness for you.
Assalam
Dear sisters,
Please get his family involved as well.I made the mistake twice(two marriages) not getting his family involved.
Received twice a divorce from the men.There was no one from his family side to make him understand he was doing wrong divorcing without a cause.Men divorce easily if they know there family was never involved.My family tried to make him understand but he had not much to lose and they were not his family.
w salam
Hi, I read your previous article, 'The man i love has married someone else' and it reminded me of my own story. I loved an ahmaddiya girl from my family but I never got the nerve to say it to her because I'm strictly religious and I know that ahmaddiya is a cult. But anyhow, yesterday I came to know that she's marrying someone else (who's an ahmadi himself). So I am totally heartbroken as I never had any 'physical relation' with any of my ex, just to save myself for her and when I became totally religious, I left my girlfriends and just waited for the perfect time, when I could actually get a chance to speak to her about myself. But now, everything I ever thought has vanished into thin air. May Allah provide us enough strength to bear these burdens. Ameen! :'(