They rejected me because I am a convert
Aslam O Alaikum. I am not yet a Muslim; I've been in study. for over a year and feel that my Shahada is not far off.. I want it to be special, a deep spiritual event for myself and those around me that love me unconditionally. I'm sure the time will come when Islam will be my home, Insha'Allah.
I've been very disturbed for the past few months but more so recently on my relationship with this wonderful guy I met last summer.. He is Palestinian-American Muslim (born and raised in the U.S.) and I fell in Love as well as him with me.. He was proud of the fact I sought out study on my own, well before I met him and that my conversion to Islam would be for me vs. marriage.. He had told me on a few occasions that he brought me up to his mother and she always said she didn't want to talk about it.. He would then tell me, "I don't care what my mom thinks or says, I Love You and I want you as my wife.. I love and respect her but she needs to accept it."
Recently, I met his sister (3 weeks ago) and I thought it went very well.. We spoke about how much I adored her brother and how she has never seen him so happy.. I was very careful with my words, wanting to make a good impression because I knew she would take meeting me back to their mother and other immediate family members. We spoke about her children, religion (lightly) and my job (I work for a government contracting company).. When we finally left her, we hugged, she said she was so happy to meet me and would like to see me again.. I felt the same and told her that I was honored I had the opportunity to meet her.
That following Monday Nader went to his mother's house for dinner and an argument broke out.. The mother told him that he could no longer see me that I wasn't good enough because I wasn't Muslim or Arab (I'm Italian decent, mistaken for Persian or Lebanese all the time).. He told her he loved me and wanted to marry me and she said no.
I'm 36 (people always mistake me for being in my mid to late 20's) and he's 31.
I received a txt message from him that stated his mother hates him, his sisters and brothers hate him for loving me.. He accused me of saying "crazy things" to his sister and said the company I work for is killing his people and he can't live with that.. I know the latter part of the last sentence is just an excuse to push me away.
My heart is breaking because this Muslim family, instead of grasping me with love and understanding has made me into something ugly.. Why am I not good enough to Love this man? Why is my age an issue when Mohammed (pbuh) married Khadija?. Why would a mother not want her son to marry a woman that is immeasurably in Love with him?. Why am I the one to suffer?
I guess I am looking for an answer to give myself some peace as he never gave me any explanation; he just removed himself from my life.. At this point, I am willing to move on; I must move on because you can't make someone want you, especially when his family is dead set against it.. This makes me fearful of falling in love again with someone that has a different culture than my own and obviously does not see me as a true Muslim but only as a convert.. I don't know which way to turn.. I have faith and it is becoming stronger each day but yesterday, today and possibly tomorrow I feel lost.
Shokran jazeelan,
- S
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Tagged as: convert, marrying a convert, rejected
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asalamu alaikum,
after reading i know the difficult time you having. i think you deserve better, if there parents cant accept you then hell with them. age, race shouldnt be an issue since your a muslim then i dont see the problem. im married to a christian woman who is several years older than me, but im living a blessed life alhamdulillah.
you wrote "his sister and said the company I work for is killing his people and he can't live with that"? for some reason it feels they are blaming you for other peoples action.
culture comes first in some familys thats why they are like that so its best to stay away from them.
ma salama
Ahmed wrote, "you wrote "his sister and said the company I work for is killing his people and he can't live with that"? for some reason it feels they are blaming you for other peoples action."
I agree. I think that they just pretended to be open-minded in the beginning but were looking for a reason to reject you, and not finding something good, they made something up. And he obviously does not have the strength to resist his family's pressure.
Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim
May Allah bless you and guide you and I pray that you say your Shahadah soon. This is the most important decision in your life and it will help shape the rest of your life and afterlife.
Surely, Allah is Most Merciful and He saved you from what would have been a bad situation. This relationship was not founded on Islam and thus, it would have been extremely difficult for it to lead to a successful marriage.
As you are still studying Islam and do not know all the points of the religion, please let me help you learn a bit about the relations between men and women. The fact that you "fell in love" with this man indicates that he was not observing proper Islamic etiquette with you.
Islam does not allow casual mixing between non-related men and women. This is in order to protect the chastity of both parties. There is an authentic tradition that states "when an unrelated man and woman are alone, Satan is the third". Non-related men and women are not allowed to privately talk on the phone, use IMs, or be alone in a room together. This is to keep them from engaging in romantic or inappropriate chit chat and behavior. They are not allowed to touch - no hand holding, no kissing, and of course nothing more than that.
This might seem overly restrictive to someone from a non-Muslim background, but look at your own situation. Had you not had an improper friendship with this man that led to infatuation, you would not have had your heart broken. Because he did not live according to his Islamic values, you got close to him and became fond of someone who was not an appropriate match for you. Time wasted, emotion wasted.
I always advise new converts to Islam to NOT marry for a while. In the first flush of enthusiasm, a new Muslimah will think that since marriage is so strongly encouraged in Islam, she has to run marry right away. Often, the Muslim community tries to marry off the woman, thinking she needs a Muslim man to help her along. In reality, you need time by yourself to strengthen your relationship with Allah. You must learn how to be comfortable in your own skin as a Muslim woman. There are a LOT of adjustments to gradually make, and it can be highly stressful if you are newly married, trying to adjust to Islam AND a new husband.
Take your time, enjoy becoming Muslim. Study in a class with other Muslim women and try to form strong bonds of sisterhood with them. Politely decline any offers from ladies to "fix you up" with a brother. Learn your rights and responsibilities in Islam so you will not give away your rights unknowingly and be taken advantage of. This will ensure that, when the time comes for you to take a husband, you will know what to look for in a good husband and you will be prepared to be a strong Muslim wife.
Do not regret losing this man. As I said, Allah saved you from what could have been a disaster. As it is, it is a strong lesson on getting involved with someone before marriage. The correct Islamic approach is to look for a man who is strong in his religion, who has a good job and does not sell forbidden items, who is devoted to his family but who is not run by his mother. Is this hard to find? Yes, it can be. But I did not find my husband til I was over 30. Now, we are married 10 years and are blessed with a loving family. Don't feel you have a time clock running out. If you take care of yourself and your relationship with Allah, He will help you to find a good spouse who will help you complete half your deen. And Allah knows best.
Fi Aman Allah,
Noorah