Abusive husband wants to move me away from my support network
I have been married for 12 years. My husband is my first cousin. I used to support him and respect his opinions.
He had some problems with my family. So I thought as I should stand by my husband and decided to leave the city where we lived, away from my parents to another city, as he found a job there. I saw this as an opportunity for us to begin again as maybe my parents were causing the problems.
When we moved he began to insult me and my family. He began to disrespect me and put me down. He used to verbally abuse me. As it was a new place I had no one to confide in and I kept the comments about me to myself and thought that may be it's his work that is affecting him.
Over the years his behaviour got worse and he would disregard everything I say. He would say to me 'you should listen to me even if I am wrong. If I say to you to jump off the building you should say yes' .
We moved back to where my parents were living for support and his job.
However, years went by and I could no longer bear it. About 4 years ago we separated because of his action - he hit me across the face, he spat at me and he threw a shoe at me.
After 8 months of seperation and many promises by him I decided to go back to give him a second chance . Things were fine and then he applied for a job outside the are we live in and he wants us to go with him. He says that if I don't go with him he will stop supporting us and will not pay for the morgage and the house would be taken.
He no longer talks to any member of my family as they stood by me during the separation.
I am at a stage now where I know that he has not changed and I don't want to go because I have my family's support where I am. The children are in good schools and settled. He will not compromise and move back and work nearer to us because he had problems with some of the people at work.
I have not told my family of what is going on and I have no one to talk to.
Please any advice would be welcomed.
- Sally
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Salaam,
May Allah ease your suffering and help you during this troublesome time of yours.
Firstly it is quite obvious that you want the marriage to work and so does your husband. Let is be known that this is very good, you have a lot of good things going for you if both partners want it to work,
Here is a man who has been let down and a woman who has been let down. It is simple, a lack of communication, with more communication, you would have less of these arguments and fights. The 8 month seperation was 8 months of breathing space for both of you, but in the end you both knew you wanted the marriage to continue.
I do not blame him for not speaking to your family and to be honest whether he does or doesn't shouldn't make any difference to you. I know a lot of couples where the men don't speak to their in laws. However he is not in a position to stop you from seeing your family, he has rights over you, but this is not a right of his.
You must communicate with him, you must explain to him that it is your right to stay in touch with your mother and father and other members of immediate family. Marriage is too precious to be broken over such silly matters,
As for the abuse, there are umpteen other threads and questions abotu it on here, so I won't respond to that as you'll find very useful information in those questions.
May Allah help you and guide you in this stressful time. Ameen.
Asalaamualaykum, Sally,
There are two main issues here:
1) Your family's involvement in your marriage
and
2) Your husband's disrespectful and disgusting behaviour
***
You did not mention what happened between your family and your husband so we cannot comment on whether your husband's hostility towards them is justified or not.
'Supposing' your family are the one's to blame for your husband's hostility towards them; who is to blame for your husband's disgusting behaviour? Spitting at you? Hitting you across the face? Throwing a shoe at you?
***
Just as a husband and wife relationship is very important, so is a woman's relationship with her family, likewise a man's with his in-laws. If your family are the main cause of the problem, having a distance between them and your married life is probably healthier. But if it is in fact your husband's anger problem and perception of situations that are the root of the problems, then moving away will really not the solve the issue. Every marriage will experience problems or arguments about something or other but spitting, hitting, throwing things, giving taunts to a spouse is NOT the solution and neither is it normal or acceptable behaviour, in any law - including Islamic law.
So, I would say, instead of talking to your family, you need to talk to your husband. If you both agree on one thing, that is - as arguments in a marriage are inevitable, you need to find a way of dealing with them because violence and verbal taunts are not the way. Those are bullying, intimidating tactics and do nothing better than degrade and kill the self esteem of the person on the receiving end. 'Respect' is required to deal with whatever issues arise in a marriage, but it appears that your husband has none at the moment.
You know the facts best, so based on that, only you can deduce how this matter should be dealth with.
Best Wishes,
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
For your sake, and for the sake of your children, get out of this abusive relationship now. You are worth more than this. There is simply no justification for emotional and physical abuse and the deliberate isolation of a spouse to make them vulnerable to that abuse. This person does not love you, he is emotionally stunted and not capable of it. You say your family supported you during the separation - that is great news. Lean on them, let them help you through this. So maybe you lose the house - it is far less important than your safety, self esteem and dignity (and that of your children). But maybe with some support from your family and friends, you can keep it. Regardless, you deserve better, you ARE better, and you can get out of this relationship. There are many other people out there who can help you with this. Battered women's shelters, support groups, and online forums. I hope you find the strength you need to leave this man behind you where he belongs. Your children deserve to grow up in a world that is not steeped in tension, fear and misery. Be a role model for them. Be strong, get away, and build a real life for you and your kids.
you married your cousin?