Arranged marriage – does he love me?
Salam,
I am 25 years old and a mother of two kids I don't know whether my husband wants me or if he loves me. I don't find a solution for my answer because he doesn't even care for my children nor even me in a positive way. I think he is busy in his job but I think he doesn't even give me or my children time not even he has expressed to me that he loves me.
Ours is an arranged marriage and we hardly we get physically intimate. When I ask him why do you do this to me he tells me that its not natural to show your love to anyone. He doesn't even communicate with me properly nor does he appreciate me or my children my elder daughter is Masha Allah very beautiful she is two and a half years old and she says all the kalima, Qasida she says darood shareef and she has even learned Rhymes but he never appreciates her in front of me instead he appreciates other kids.
My younger daughter is just two months old but never rings up when asked he tells that he was busy and if we have any quarrel between us he doesn't even think to speak to me or even sort out until I apologize and beg with him to forgive me. This has become a routine now I don't know what to do .I want him to express his feelings with me but he doesn't .I have two daughters only, for them I am keeping sabr/patience but I don't have solution for my problem.Please help m!
-taz
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Salaam sister,
I am so sad hearing your story about you being neglected by your husband. Since yours is arranged marriage I presume you both didnt know each other before marriage well, it might be that this is yours husband nature, I mean he might have difficulty in expressing himself, as I myself have, I advice you to make him feel comfortable by making food as per his liking and give him some space for sometime and when you feel he is in his comfort zone try to speak to him about his work how does he feel as there anything that worrying him, try to explore your husband's mind, try to find more about him form his parents or sisters, maybe you can get a clue about his brain's functioning.
I wish you all the happiness and joy of this life and hereafter.
May all your worries and problem are resolved. Allah hafiz
salam
thanx for your valuable advice
This is very unfortunate to hear stories like this. Because Muslim husbands are not supposed to be like this. The Messenger of Allah said, "The best of you is the one who is best to his own family, and I am the best of you towards my family" (Sunan At-Tirmidhî, Sunan Ibn Mâjah)
We need to ask you some questions. Has your husband always been like this? Has he been like this even when you were newly married? Or did this change happen later?
As Assif mentioned above, there are actually people who are shy, and they indeed struggle to express their love. They are people who were never taught or who never learned to appreciate, to love, and to express affection. There are even cultures where people normally do not express their love or hug their dear ones. Indian sub-continental culture for example. I can't imagine my grandfather saying to my grandmother, "I love you". If my grandpa were forced to utter these words, he could possibly have died out of heart attack. Neither did they ever say 'I love you' to their children, not did they hug them. Verbal appreciation and hugs are extremely important to build a happy family in my opinion, but even if people do not hug and show their love and affection verbally, they can still show it through many other actions. Like my grandfathers and grandmothers knew that they love each other, because they were kind towards each other, and they would talk together. My grandfathers' children knew that their father loves them because he was a responsible father and was kind towards them. Since your husband has completely shut you and your family off, and has been rude towards you, I am reluctant to believe that he has some psychological or cultural blockade that is stopping him from expressing his love. You may be shy when it comes to expressing love, but if you truly have love for someone, you can't be rude with your beloved at least.
Suspicion is not a good thing, but I suspect two possible scenarios: Did he have any relationship with any other woman even before he married you? May be he is still having that affair. Or may be he has developed a new affair somewhere.
The second possible scenario that I can imagine is pornography addiction.
Whatever, you need to talk straight with your husband. You need to tell him that his behavior is not natural. Tell him that if he truly has any psychological blockade in expressing love, you are ready to help him. If he does not co-operate with you at all, then it is highly probably that the problem lies somewhere else.
May Allah make things easy for you.
My life here is the same way as you right now! I feel like my husband always ignoring me and my baby. He always complaining that his 8 hr work is very tiring and never gave us time when he comes back home. However, we are still living with his parents, but I'm only 17 and don't have a job. His mom can be very nagging and lectures me a lot and always taking my husband's side if we argue. Its makes me cry alot of time, but i have to bear with it because of my baby and i don't want my parents to lose face for my culture. He tells me he loves me but never EXPRESS it. What i'm i suppose to do? I love him very much too, but he should at least have some romantic time with me or just talk and make me laugh. He always make me feel like the BAd person between us, but sometime hes wrong. I sorry i don't know wat to do or say to you, but your not the only women who is being ditch by their husband.
Wish you guys straighten things out.
salam sis
thanx for the reply i pray that your problems get solved may Allah give u a very happy family
salam
Thanx for your advice i vill try to wrk on it
As Salamu Alaykum, taz,
I am bit late in your post, please forgive me for this, I have seen many woman in the same situation you are, many men are disociated from their feelings, don´t feel jealous when he is nice to other children, he may just acting, doing what he is expected to do, seeing the way he behaves with you, I don´t think that he feels it at all.
To get to the Heart of someone that is not in touch with his emotions, is just Allah(swt)´s power, He is the One that softens the Hearts and connects the human being to their essence.
What I can add to what has been said is that you should try to be happy by yourself with your two daughters and accept that when he is, he is and when he is not, he is not, I know this will be a tough step, but the children are very sensitive to rejection, teach your daughters to understand that daddy loves then even when he is too busy or worried by work, they are important to him, I know this will touch your Heart, but you have to do your best to balance your husband, if not they are going to feel your dissapointment and feel guilty because mum and dad behaves strange.
This what I would do for their best, and what I would do next is to sit and talk to your husband as loving and caring you can, about how important is for your daughter to know that her father loves her and value all what she does, tell him that if he has to force it to learn it, that he should do it, remember him, that he is the role model her daughter will choose to relate to men in the future, and he has to be conscious that he is responsible for their balanced healthy emotional growth too.
Don´t be too overprotective or overemotional to balance him, this can happens, try to avoid it.
I would advise you to do your five prayers, to read the Quran and the Prophet´s (saw)Life, focus in your blessings, teach your baby to appreciate her blessings, she seems so sensitive and loving as you are, masha´Allah.
There are a link with duas on top of the page, don´t doubt it, when you need them, pray, have Allah(swt) in you, you will find the Love you long for Inside of yourself, insha´Allah.
I am going to tell you an exercise, everytime you think about your husband, more if you have weird feelings, put them on a side and feel the warmth of your love towards him in your Heart and give it colours, see it as a beautiful rainbow coming out from you towards him, feel the compassion, the love, the respect, and give it to him with your thought, keep practising, everytime you feel dissapointed with him, stop a minute and do this exercise, do it consciously, breath deeply, you will feel Peace afterwards, your babies will feel it too, insha´Allah.
Strecht the bond of Love you have with him consciously, unconditional Love always has answers, insha´Allah. Be patient, and build up your relationship with Allah (swt) through your prayers and your acts, from the begining till the end He is the One, He will show you the right way and will help you through all your struggles, He is the Al- Malik, Ar-Rahmani, Ar-Rajeem,...La ilaha illah Allah.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
assalamamlaikum sis thanx 4 ur valuable advice i will sincerely wrk hard
Walaykum as salam, sister taz,
Jazak Allahu Khayran.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I think there is lack of information in the question .
Was your husband like this before or after the kids were born ? Have you gained weight or lost your figure after having kids ? Are you spending more time with kids and less time with your husband ?
You said , you hardly get physically intimate .That's alarming . You need to find out the reason for lack of intimacy . I think your husband is some how emotionally affected. Many men require emotional connection before they get physical, or may be he has low testosterone level . You may need to consult a doctor in this regard . I have usually seen cases in which husbands are all romantic before the arrival of kids but after it everything seems to disappear . Are you giving your husband enough attention ?? Do you talk to him daily ??
Allah has given enormous power to woman over man . She , thru her love and affection can melt and mold any man in any direction . You need to use your charm . Start focusing on your husband and try to find out why he is behaving like that . My wild guess is that ,many husbands feel neglected after kids are born . Their wives don't give them sufficient attention they once used to get .
Salamalkom dear sister,
Dear sister try to find your husband likes and dislikes, try to wear your clothes which he like the most. when he is angry try to not say anything and it is also a point of ajar to you , give him some Islamic books about family and wife rights through some one, also get help from family members like what he like from childhood . try to tell him some hadits of prophet mohmmad (PBUH) about attitude.
may Allah help you dear sister