Do I really love him? What should I do?
Previous post by this author: In love with two brothers at once but I want marriage without falling into sin. Really confused!
This past week has not been the very best for me. We just went back to school from a long winter break. I was getting stressed and I'm not sure why. I got all frustrated and everything.
A few days back I went out with my friends for her 21st birthday. She's not a Muslim, so things such as alcohol and what not came up. I wasn't comfortable and after dinner they wanted to go to a night club, it was about 11 and we were out. Alhamdulillah we didn't make it anywhere. we decided to go home and go out the coming Friday.
All my friends are non-muslims except for two of them. I've gotten so used to them being around I forgot the existence of my muslims brothers and sisters. The reason is that where I lived there were only a few Muslims. Alhamdulillah I still have my values and I continue to grow in Islam. So I was a bit confused about all these things.
I messaged a brother at the uni, I've heard a lot of great things about him. He seemed a bit more religious than a lot of other people I've met. He is graduating this summer so I wanted to ask him how he survived being a Muslim in America and especially in college life having non-Muslim friends. I just wanted a brotherly advice and he was willing to give me one. Nothing more than that. We have talked a few times and never gotten to know each other- we don't even ask how we are or anything, just getting straight to the question or answer.
Sadly enough I started liking him, he doesn't know but I think from everything I've told him he might have gotten a clue. So to make sense of the situation I was in, I told him about myself: how I grew up and what I've turned to and what kind of a Muslim I was. It was a bit personal and I had never told anyone about myself ever! I don't know what in the world I was thinking when I sent him that, it's not bad things but it's really strange how I opened up to him.
I have seen him twice -three times but I wasn't paying good attention to him. The first time he was talking to my dad, so my dad called me and introduced us, I was shy so I looked down. I've seen him around campus, the other day I was getting out of the office and he was coming my way but my professor was between us so I opened the door for her and turned around. I can't even look him in the eyes or let him see me, I would literally run if I saw him.
I have questions that he can answer because he works at the student life here. I want to stop liking and not be shy around him or run when I see him. I think I have already fallen in love with him. I don't really want to have feelings for anyone, I want to focus on what I came here to do, also I don't know if he's right for me. I have prayed istikhara before and I had a positive feeling. I don't know what to do. It's not so easy to cut contacts with him, we just text and we talk about nothing but academics and Islam. I have no interest in having a haram relationship with him or anyone.
I'm really weak when it comes to feelings. I don't really know what to do, even if I stop talking to him I can't stop thinking of him. Every Salah I perform I pray for him in my sajda, and I woke up in the middle of night one day and made tahajuud just for him and his family. I have never prayed for any guy and trust me, and I'm sure you know how hard it is to wake up even for our own goodness. I've fallen in love so many times but this time it feels different, maybe it's because I actually have good reasons. Even if I'm in love with him, what if he isn't? There are no signs that he is because we can't talk about it or anything. I feel way too comfortable talking to him right about anything and I don't care how embarrassing or weird it is. I don't try to impress him, I'm just me. There's just something about him, idk. I just don't know what to do. I doubt he likes me 🙁
Oh and there's no way I am going to propose to him, he is older than me by about 2 years and few months. He's 22 and I'm about to turn 20. I don't want to get married or engaged and I'm sure he wouldn't be ready either (if he did like me back).
- naeym
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Assalamualaikum wa Rahmatullah,
Sister, you might have begun to like him, because you saw goodness in him. We tend to like those who help us, especially when we are in dire need. This is what happened with you.
Once a person thinks he or she loves the other, then everything changes. You become unable to avoid the thought of that person, even to the extent of prayers. Shaitaan even makes it seem sweet and good to many people, such that they make something haraam - halaal for themselves, and fall into the trap of the Shaitaan.
Shaitaan is with every Human being, trying to lead him or her astray, because he said to Allah when cast out of the heavens:
15:39
قَالَ رَبِّ بِمَا أَغْوَيْتَنِي لَأُزَيِّنَنَّ لَهُمْ فِي الْأَرْضِ وَلَأُغْوِيَنَّهُمْ أَجْمَعِينَ
[Iblees] said, "My Lord, because You have put me in error, I will surely make [disobedience] attractive to them on earth, and I will mislead them all
15:40
إِلَّا عِبَادَكَ مِنْهُمُ الْمُخْلَصِينَ
Except, among them, Your chosen servants."
Then Allah Replied:
15:41
قَالَ هَٰذَا صِرَاطٌ عَلَيَّ مُسْتَقِيمٌ
[ Allah ] said, "This is a path [of return] to Me [that is] straight.
15:42
إِنَّ عِبَادِي لَيْسَ لَكَ عَلَيْهِمْ سُلْطَانٌ إِلَّا مَنِ اتَّبَعَكَ مِنَ الْغَاوِينَ
Indeed, My servants - no authority will you have over them, except those who follow you of the deviators.
15:43
وَإِنَّ جَهَنَّمَ لَمَوْعِدُهُمْ أَجْمَعِينَ
And indeed, Hell is the promised place for them all.
15:44
لَهَا سَبْعَةُ أَبْوَابٍ لِكُلِّ بَابٍ مِنْهُمْ جُزْءٌ مَقْسُومٌ
It has seven gates; for every gate is of them a portion designated."
15:45
إِنَّ الْمُتَّقِينَ فِي جَنَّاتٍ وَعُيُونٍ
Indeed, the righteous will be within gardens and springs.
15:46
ادْخُلُوهَا بِسَلَامٍ آمِنِينَ
[Having been told], "Enter it in peace, safe [and secure]."
15:47
وَنَزَعْنَا مَا فِي صُدُورِهِمْ مِنْ غِلٍّ إِخْوَانًا عَلَىٰ سُرُرٍ مُتَقَابِلِينَ
And We will remove whatever is in their breasts of resentment, [so they will be] brothers, on thrones facing each other.
15:48
لَا يَمَسُّهُمْ فِيهَا نَصَبٌ وَمَا هُمْ مِنْهَا بِمُخْرَجِينَ
No fatigue will touch them therein, nor from it will they [ever] be removed.
15:49
نَبِّئْ عِبَادِي أَنِّي أَنَا الْغَفُورُ الرَّحِيمُ
[O Muhammad], inform My servants that it is I who am the Forgiving, the Merciful.
15:50
وَأَنَّ عَذَابِي هُوَ الْعَذَابُ الْأَلِيمُ
And that it is My punishment which is the painful punishment.
Subhanallah!
A person who is highly pious can also fall in this trap of Shaitaan when his or her Imaan decreases in level. This becomes the beginning of their destruction, if they do not pay heed.
The solution for your problem is that you stop interacting with him, by all means.If he likes to marry you, he will probably try to talk to you or your father about it. Being shy is a part of Deen, it is called al Hayaa. Allah's Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: Imaan consists of more than sixty branches (i.e. parts). And Haya is a part of faith."
So there is no need to worry about the shyness. You probably run, because you are afraid that you will make a mistake, or perhaps because of the hayaa. In either case, it is normal, and in fact, good, because a believer runs from sins and a believer has hayaa as it is a part of his or her Imaan.
All you need to do is stop communicating with him. If he asks you why you stopped contacting him, say that you fear a fitnah. He would then move out of your way and not bother you. But if he likes you and wants to take it forward, he will say that. If he does, then ask him to talk to your father.
How you can forget or stop thinking about him is by concentrating on your prayers and improving your Khushoo (humility) in them. And pondering over your life, its sins and your Aakhirah - if you are ready fot death, for the ultimate call. The Malakul Maut (Angel of Death) maybe anywhere and he takes our souls in their appropriate times. Are you prepared enough? Ponder over this point and in sha Allah, you will be able to even concentrate on what you are there for (study).
Avoid going out with friends who consume alcohol and other haraam stuff. This will influence you at some point or the other, or atleast will kill the fear of this sin from your heart.
Be with your friends and deal with them on the school level (just for academics). Beyond that, it may go anywhere. Friends influence the way we behave, the way we think and the way we do things.
Abu Hurairah narrated that the Messenger of Allâh ﺻﻠﻰ اﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ said: ``A man is upon the religion of his friend, so let one of you look at whom he befriends.'' ( Tirmidhee - Hasan )
This hadith is beautiful:
Narrated Abu Musa ﺭَﺿِﻲَ اﻟﻠﻪُ ﻋَﻨْﻪُ : Allâh's Messenger ﺻﻠﻰ اﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ said, ``The example of a good companion (who sits with you) in comparison with a bad one, is like that of the owner of musk (perfume seller) and the owner of bellows (or furnace) (blacksmith); from the first you would either buy musk or enjoy its good smell, while the owner of bellows (blacksmith) would either burn your clothes or your house, or you get a bad nasty smell thereof.''
Your interaction with him was with good intention, but continuation of this will lead to a greater fitnah. So avoid talking to him anymore. And I have told you above, how you can avoid thinking about him.
I pray that Allah Helps you and Guides us all to as Sirat al Mustaqeem. Aameen.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thank you for your advice brother. Makes great sense and I am convinced that shaitan had a lot to do with this. I was even praying for him, I woke up to pray tahajuud for him. It's just a bit shocking for me because sometimes I get lazy sometimes and I can't wake up for tahajuud but when I said to myself I would pray for him and ask Allah to make me forget him if he wasn't the right one I woke up without even a second thought.
I have always been shy. I can't even stand in the same room with the brother, if I were I would probably be looking down. The brother is very decent, he doesn't show any interest or anything. I might have mistaken his kindness for something else. We don't even ask each other how we are, just getting right to the point and that's all. I don't fear our conversation escalating to another level, it is not going to happen at least from my side. I have stopped asking him questions so there won't be any contacts between us. I felt really comfortable talking to him about things and shared some personal stuff which I now regret doing. Maybe I just liked him because I have been surrounded by indecent people and he was different. It's just that i have never come across anyone like him. I had never met anyone in my life who had so much in common with me than him. not even my best of friends has a lot of things in common with me. I find that to be a bit odd. maybe it just a coincidence?
About my friends, where I live there's few muslims and I grew up not knowing a lot of muslims who practiced so I befriended the non-muslims. Most of my friends we had met in high school and went to different colleges. We hang out whenever we can. Since they're all non-muslims and aren't strict about religion they do things differently. I am not afraid of being influenced by friends because no one influences me. In shaa Allah. I don't give up easily on myself and I know that I don't want to disobey Allah for anyone's sake. Me changing and becoming like my friends would not ever happen in'shaa'Allah. I pray for Allah's mercy and love and for him to not to ever let me turn away from him. I will try to make friends who are muslims here on campus as i have seen a few. In' shaa'Allah everything will be okay.
Allah knows best. thanks again 🙂 Jazzakallahu khayr brother. Take care!
Ma Sha Allah, keep this self confidence high and never let it fall. Additionally, think before you act, this will ensure you are not doing wrong, in sha Allah. Make the new friends and also share knowledge with them. And know that if you do good, you do it with Allah's Help and if you do bad, then it is from yourself and from the Shaitaan. So, repent to Allah whenever you make a mistake, however minute it maybe. And always read the following Dua:
ﺍﻟﻠﻬﻢ ﺭﺣﻤﺘﻚ ﺃﺭﺟﻮ ﻓﻼ ﺗﻜﻠﻨﻲ ﺇﻟﻰ ﻧﻔﺴﻲ ﻃﺮﻓﻪ ﻋﻴﻦ ﻭﺃﺻﻠﺢ
ﻟﻲ ﺷﺄﻧﻲ ﻛﻠﻪ ﻻ ﺇﻟﻪ ﺇﻻ ﺃﻧﺖ.
Allahumma rahmataka arjoo falaa takilnee ilaa
nafsee tarfata 'aynin wa aslih-lee sha'nee
kullahu, laa ilaha illa anta
(O Allah! It is Your mercy that I hope for so do not leave me in charge of my affairs even for a blink of an eye and rectify for me all of my affairs. None has the right to be worshipped except You.)
May Allah Reward you, me and all those who single Him out for Worship. Aameen
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
In shaa' Allah brother will do 🙂 Thanks for including the duas/hadiths/ayahs, helps a lot! Will have to write them down in shaa Allah. Jazzakallah khayr.
Salaam !
mashaallah great knowledge
🙂