I’m 19 and pregnant out of wedlock – should I abort?
Pregnant.
I'm 19 years old & I am 4-5 weeks pregnant from my boyfriend who is also 19. we are both muslims but different race.
I know I have made a terrible mistake but I'm confused & alone & have no idea where to go from here. My boyfriend is adamant that I have an abortion. He has even booked an appointment for me next week. He says his family will never accept me & will also throw him out. He's too scared to tell his family.
I don't think I can tell mine either. My parents think the world of me & it'll break my whole family apart. I will never be able to look at them the same again. They're already having problems of their own & this will destroy them. My father will lose his respect as I'm the only daughter & the most important thing to him. I'd have to raise this baby all alone.
The fact that we're different race will also cause problems between us & our families. My boyfriend said if I decide to keep this baby he can't tell his family whether or not I tell mine. He says I should get rid of it so we can do it the right way after marriage then have a child.
I am now stuck, I'm considering abortion but I keep changing my mind. I feel like my whole lifes falling apart.
- Sister x
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Aslaam
Unfortunately, I can't help you and believe me, if I can help someone...I WILL. The best advice I can give you is to tell your parents - expect them to take it badly. Then, if they do something extreme like throwing you out of the house then I suggest you either go to a relative or a womans shelter. Make SURE to tell the fathers family about the child as it is not fair that 100% of responsibilities be placed on you. DO NOT ABORT THE CHILD!
Aside from that, I can't really do anything but pray for you. I am sorry you are going through this dark period but have faith in Allah, pray for forgiveness and a solution to your problems. Inshallah Allah will help you.
May Allah help you in life.
🙂
Asalamo alaykum
well if his parents wouldn't accept you now then they certainly will not accept you later. If I was in your position, despite of abortion being haram I would probably get it done since I wouldn't be able to raise a child alone at the age of 19. Oh and stay the hell away from that guy!
Assalaamualaikam
Abortion is considered haraam, so as Muslims it would not be appropriate for us to encourage people to have an abortion - we should strive to help our brothers and sisters stay on the straight path, not to commit sins.
Some people seem to have a view that "it doesn't matter too much [ to commit a haraam act] so long as we say sorry afterwards". That's not how it works - we need to work to avoid transgressing, and repent genuinely rather than as a "get out of jail free". What would happen if we were to commit a haraam act and then die before we get a chance to repent for it? None of us know how long we have in this life, so we need to try to live our lives in accordance with Allah's guidance, while we still can.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Assalaamualaikam sister
The situation in which you find yourself is indeed complicated, but at times like this we can put our trust in Allah that His guidance will show us the right path to take. No matter how difficult things may seem, Alhamdulillah we can turn to Islam and follow the guidance there.
At the moment, a lot of factors will probably be contributing to your difficulty in finding the right path - you're still very young, not married, your boyfriend is putting pressure on you and not being particularly supportive, you're worried about your family, and on top of that the physical changes associated with pregnancy can make it even harder to think things through rationally. My advice would be to resolve to follow Islamic guidance and trust that when you follow it, you are doing the right thing in the situation.
While there are some situations in which abortion is considered by some scholars to be acceptable, these are situations in which the mother's life would be in significant danger unless the pregnancy were terminated; in all other situations, my understanding is that abortion is not acceptable. Your unborn child is innocent, and a gift to the world from Allah; his or her life has been entrusted to you to carry, protect and nurture, and your child can only depend on you for this, nobody else.
This is not a situation which you can navigate without support, so it would be important to have your family be aware of the fact that you are expecting a baby - they can then inshaAllah help you cope with the practical and emotional demands of pregnancy and becoming a mother, which will be even more essential if you are unable to rely on the baby's father to be supportive. They may well be angry and upset, and harsh words may be spoken in anger, but ultimately you are their daughter and they love you - once they have calmed down, they will most likely be keen to help you in any way they can.
You may feel that you will lose their respect or be seen as being less than perfect in their eyes, but even if that were to happen, it would be a small price to pay to be able to protect and provide for your unborn child, who is a blessing from Allah. Women around the world endure great hardships in order to protect their children, and inshaAllah once you can feel a connection to your own child, you will understand why - no amount of earthly discomfort can overcome the love a mother feels for her children.
If your boyfriend isn't prepared to step up and support you, then you can do this without him. The last thing you and your child need is someone undermining you and putting pressure on you to do things which go against Islamic guidance. Make it clear to him that you can have this child with or without him, but that there can be no more haraam acts - your child needs you to be a good example to them. If he isn't prepared to marry you and commit to you and your child, then you are both better off without him.
Becoming a mother is life-changing, but not life-stopping. You can still go to college/university, work, have friends, get married... So don't allow Shaitan's whispers to convince you that you can't do things you've wanted to do. If you find yourself doubting your future, why not read about the wives of The Prophet (peace be upon him) - they were inspirational women and achieved great things with their lives despite the obstacles encountered.
It will be important for you to have access to healthcare for you and your child during and after pregnancy, so get in touch with your family doctor or GP, who can arrange for you to see the right specialists at the right times. I don't know where you are living, so policies may be different where you are, but in the UK you can usually request to see a female specialist, and in some areas there are specialist services for different faiths, so you might well be able to find a specialist who is either Muslim herself or who has appropriate knowledge of Islamic practices.
As well as this, it will be extremely important for you to repent for your own transgressions and ensure you take action to avoid such things happening in the future (eg. stay away from zina and pre-marital relationships). Your child will need a mother who can raise him or her in an Islamic household, so try to learn more about Islam - maybe find some classes or prayer groups to attend, and work to become closer to Allah in your daily life.
May Allah watch over you and your baby, and give you both strength and good health.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Salaam Sister.
Your situation is undoubtedly a difficult one but no matter how difficult it is, abortion is haraam. You have made a mistake, but Allah (swt) is the Most Merciful and if you turn to Him and make tawbah, He will forgive you and help you through this situation. Not only does He forgive sins but if one truly repents and makes amends then He turns them into good deeds! SubhanAllah.
So don't commit the sin of killing your child. Dont allow your ex boyfriend's fear of what others say make you go through with this abortion. Raise this child with or without this mans support. Sometimes in life we feel as though we can't cope/need certain people and we don't know what to do but Allah is always there.
I pray that your child grows up to be a righteous Muslim, and Allah eases your difficulties.
I will keep you in my duas InshaAllah
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
x
Sister.
In life there are consequences to having sex, why is this a shock to either you or your boyfriend?
If you are old enough to have sex then I think you are old enough to take responsibility for what you did. You are both adults and can handle this. You cannot abort this innocent life, give the baby a chance at life and either get married or just separate if he is still a boy and not man who is willing to commit to you.
And please don't care what people think, why does it matter. You have a baby now own up to it and just go with the flow. As long as you work your situation out , you are fine...what other people think of you on the outside, is useless.
First of all, you need need to tell your parents and his parents about this baby. Because you need health care. This is about the babies safety nothing about you.
Yes they will be pissed off, but hey the baby is okay and it will be healthy. Better to tell them now before you get too big.
If the boyfriend does not want to get involved you still have to inform his parents and it's their right to know they will be grandparents. He can't run away from responsibility just because the baby is not growing inside him.
I have a 4 month old baby, and let me tell you it's life changing to have a child. It makes you grow up very fast which is not a bad thing. As long as you have someone supporting you like parents,aunts, family, friends..you will be fine. It's good to have kids young, because they teach you about priorities and what's important in life.
Don't worry Hun, yes it seems scary to tell your parents..but they will always love you no matter what. Trust me on that. They will help you if they see that you are taken care of.
Just tell your boyfriend to make a decision if he will be involved or not and call his parents if he is too chicken to do so.
All the best.
Turn to Allah sister. At times of trouble and times of ease you turn to him and make lots of due. May Allah things easier on you, now just take the first step, be honest and it will get easier from there. Keeping a secret takes too much energy. I know you can do it.
Sister x,
I think you already got some good advices here and especially form Samira and mid nightmoon.
I just want to chip in here with a little story. But first and foremost is to repent to Allah sincerely. You and your boyfriend commit a sina, however, repent to Allah, he is all mercy and forgiven.
My neighbor is a very religious Catholic that they do not believe in abortion either. Their "obedient-church going- sweet- academic excellent daughter" got pregnant in the age of 16 with her boyfriend, also aged 16. To cut it short, one can imagine the drama happened in the family and the shame that she brought to her family. She needed to face all the stares, nasty comments from the neighborhood. BUT THEY ALL CHOOSE TO KEEP THE baby as abortion is a sin.
That year after she gave birth, she grew a lot. She was much into her family, her study and her religion. She turns to a very nice woman that we love to talk to her. She finished her PhD in the age of 26. Her family supported her by helping with baby care. When she finished her first degree, the couple moved out to a small apartment and earned their living. All I can witness is the love from their family never fails.
She learned a hard lesson and she said that she was glad that she made the right choice to keep the baby.
I know you are scare to tell your parents but don't. Approach your mom first and your mom will tell your dad. You need to be firm and tell them that you will keep the baby as sometimes some parents also make foolish decision. Then inform the boy's parents. Worst case scenario, seek help from the social services. Inshallah, there is always a way out, don't give up. May Allah has mercy on you and your unborn child.
Aslaam alaykum
Thanks for the advice everyone, I have an appointment on friday at the abortion clinic. I can't break my family apart as my parents are already on the verge of getting a divorce. I'm still unsure what to do but I have made it clear to my boyfriend we are now over, although he won't accept this, I have realised my mistake & will repent to allah, focus on my deen & inshallah be guided on the right path. I told my boyfriend if I was to keep this baby I would tell his parents, he just said he'd stand by me but he knows we wouldn't be able to be together. He convinced me to have an abortion so have a few of my close friends. Everytime I mention me being pregnant to him he completely ignores me & changes the subject. Its like he's in denial. I read on the internet some scholars say abortion is permissable as long as its before 120 days, I'm in two minds, can someone tell me if this is true?
Assalaamualaikam
Sister, I strongly urge you to reconsider - your child has not done any wrong, and is wholly dependent on you to protect him or her.
The general consensus of scholars is that abortion is not permissible except in situations where continuing the pregnancy would be life-threatening for the mother. Abortion after 120 days is not permitted (in the eyes of most scholars) as it is ending a life after a soul has been breathed into it. There are various explanations about abortion prior to this, but one which is widely accepted is that in the early stages of pregnancy, the new life being created is entrusted to the mother to protect and nurture, so to abort for a non-life-threatening reason would be to break the trust placed in the mother by Allah.
There are different schools of thought on the matter, and I'm even aware of some schools of thought that do not agree with the above, but the overwhelming majority of the Islamic scholars of whom I am aware all agree that abortion is not in keeping with the guidance given to us by Allah.
I think that on some level you are not entirely convinced to have an abortion, and I pray that you are able to listen to that part of you. Please, before doing anything final, consider the options open to you. Many young women are able to raise children alone (either due to relationship breakdowns or bereavement, or even taking on responsibility for caring for younger siblings or relatives), and there is no reason why you could not try do the same and pray for Allah to help you. If you don't want to raise a child, or feel you couldn't cope at this time, then you could consider adoption - your doctor or family planning clinic would be able to give you information about this - there are many couples who cannot conceive themselves and would be extremely grateful for the opportunity to have a family.
May Allah give you the strength to resist the whispers of those who wish you to stray from His guidance. May He shield you and your child from harm.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
I highly support what sister Midnightmoon is saying above. Please keep the innocent Baby. Do not abort it.
Now you want Allah to have mercy on you and forgive you right??? Why not have mercy on this innocent Baby and forgive it for any pains you may go through because of it? Perhaps, this may be part of the reasons why Allah will have mercy on you and forgive you.
So please, keep the innocent Baby. As the Baby could also be the source of your best happiness in life, if you allowed it the chance to live.
Assalam alaikum sister,
Please do not abort this innocent life. Do not depend on your bf for advice when he is not a reliable person. Your parents divorce is not your responsibility--that is there own relationship.
Sister, as difficult as it may be, this is the wrong choice and you will not be able to just get over this. If, Allah forbid, you were to go through with this, I am very sure that you will regret it and fall into a depression. Allah may forgive you, if you choose to have mercy on this precious soul. What is done is done. Look inside yourself, and find the strength that is there. This is a moment to put Allah above all humans. Will you choose to please the people or please Allah? The people are powerless, but Allah, is Almighty. I hope that you listen to Sr. Midnightmoon and Br. Issah.
May Allah guide you and have Mercy on you during this tumultous time. Ameen, thummah Ameen.
Thank you all for the comments. I am really in two minds, I just keep thinking about how my parents life will be affected because of this. I feel alone & am already depressed, I can't think straight anymore. I can't build up the courage to tell my parents & break their heart. My boyfriends mother is also very ill & he feels this will effect her health badly. I feel like I have the big ammount of pressure on my head. I don't want to have an abortion but I don't want to ruin the life of others either 🙁
Assalam alaikum sister,
Sister, you are alone if you think you are--but in reality, Allah is our Protector and He can help us even after we have committed sins. You must put forth effort to do the right thing in action and not just in words/feelings.
But let me reassure you, that there is NO POWER like Allah. He is able to transform our reality, our circumstances just like that.
Sister, you are not ruining anyone's life by having a child, but by aborting this child, you are killing it. In the eyes of Allah, what does this mean? Think about it by yourself sister. shaitaan will be working dreadfully hard and fast on your mind to convince you to abort. he will be attacking your thoughts right now at your moment of weakness so seek Allah's guidance. Sister you chose to have a relationship outside of marriage--this is the consequence. It seems that you think that if you have an abortion it will somehow take it back to the time it was before this happened, and it simply will not.
I know of a family in my community where recently a boy and girl had a child out of marriage. They have since worked out things and after all fights/screaming/anger, things are beginning to settle for the better. It hasn't been easy, but who would expect it to be? Please do not go for the "easier" route. This abortion cannot be justified based on other people.
I urge you on behalf of your baby, do not abort this child. May Allah shower you will endless Mercy at this difficult time in your life. Ameen. You and your baby are in my prayers.
Maybe you should approach a trusted relative and discuss about the matter before approaching your parents.
Sister, please please do not abort this baby. This is a big dicision, and I know it's very very scary. I was married when I had my baby, but when I found out I was pregnant I was soo shocked. It takes sometime to really absorb that this is happening, I get it.
It's life changing, it's hard, but baby are worth it. Eventually you want to have kids right? Your baby came earlier than you expected, but here it is. It's a gift, a blessing, and a joy from Allah.
Allah my sister does not burden a soul more that it can bear. Do not worry about your mother, father, baby daddy, in laws..whatever....it's nit time to think about anyone but the baby. It's his life that you need to focus on. Allah is with you, he will take care of you and baby. Allah is the most near, most merciful, and all powerful. You ask him for help, and he will be there.
What are you scared off! What's the worst that can happen? They will yell and be shocked and then they will eventually calm down. Then they will help you. Your mother has been through this, she will understand. She knows the pain of carrying you in her womb and will do everything to protect you.
Whether your parents want to be together or divorce this is their issue to deal with, you have to deal with your own issues...your Baby!
Wake up sister, we all have challenges in life, guess what this is your! Stop hiding behind the excuse of I am afraid of my parents, get some courage, and be an adult.
We are all humans who make mistakes, we are judged not by the mistake but how we deal with our actions after. We repent, we take responsability and we get closer to Allah.
Killing this baby will only torture you on the inside. Years will pass and you will mark the anniversary of this baby death and imagine what it would have been like if baby was 1 , 4, 10 , etc. you will have other children and be haunted by their older sibling who was gone before he had a chance at life and you will hate yourself. You will.
I am saying this because I care about for the sake of Allah, and I wish you strength to keep going and go on in a straight path. May Allah make things easier for you.
It is a sad situation to be in. I totally understand what this young lady is going through as I myself got pregnant out of wedlock. I plucked the courage to tell me mum as my boyfriend was supportive of the pregnancy and was too against abortion. However, my mum was too frightened to tell my dad and after months of torment forced me into an abortion. By this time my eldest sister who is married with 2 children also took my mum's side and emotionally blackmailed me. My mum said she would commit suicide and I was selfish to choose the baby's life over my families. My boyfriend tried several times to take me out of the situation but by this time I was so afraid and I felt guilty for my actions as it was affecting my mothers well-being. Family honour seemed to prevail at the end...
its been almost a year since you posted. was just wondering what decision you made in the end? I hope either way you are at peace and well.
No, there are many adoption services available, most of which are free. Just learn from this in the future, we are human and these things happen. Abortion permanently ends your child's life, and regardless of what mainstream culture tells woman they should believe, ending your baby's life is not a burden you want to carry.