Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is Allah upset with me for some reason I don’t know?

Aslmlkm brother or Sister

I'm 43 years old. I have two divorces. From first wife I have two beautiful daughters who are being raised by my parents. They are 16 & 13.

I was married in 2000. My first divorce took place in 2007. She was a wonderful woman from a very good family and we had a great life. Our only quarrel used to be about dressing modestly and being a good Muslim and to carefully tend to kids.

But she got fed up and chose to take her freedom. I did not ask why nor did I contest. I just took custody of kids forcefully coz I knew she could not raise them to be good humans. She loved glamorous lifestyle parties style and fashion and didn't find deen and the Islamic lifestyle was for her. I paid her to get possession of kids. She has never bothered to contact them. Or look back.

Once she called me to get back together again but I refused. I'm Pashtun. Honour is a big thing for me.

Then I remarried it didn't last well as the girl and her family were all interfering and not letting her adjust. She herself was good. But a bit immature mentally and didn't realise her sister and khaala were not happy at all to see her so settled and happy. But anyway she demanded divorce (Khula) and it happened.

Many have told me that all this looks like Nazar. Black magic. And evil eye.

It can be.

Plus since my first divorce my career stood still. All opportunities would come and just vanish or fail. I feel like Allah has put a ban on me for some reason. Maybe stopped rizq on me for some reason.

Although I live a good lifestyle due to inheritance from family. But I don't have a job. No success in anything I do. Lack of desire for anything.

Although I'm happy. But I feel life is not very fulfilling. I eat well I take vacation international travel I workout alot I do sports.i do cooking. im a full of life person.

I pray five times. I say Quran majeed daily. In mosque. I give sadaqa regularly. I try to improve daily. I try to watch my dealings and what I say to who I say.

I eat healthy I live healthy and clean.

I've maashaallah been a good husband father employee son brother neighbour friend and servant of Allah.

I'm not disgruntled nor ungrateful nor lost hope from Allah. But it occurs to me off and on that maybe Allah is upset with me and has stopped rizq and livelihood and marriage for me for some reason. Inside I'm kind of feeling incomplete and uneasy.

I want to have a family again a home a livelihood prosperity and smiles.

But it seems it's ordered not to happen. Maybe something I've done has really upset Allah swt .

Please advise me and guide me how I can address this according to deen.

I say alot of astaghfaar and ask beg forgiveness.

I'm not losing hope. I'm very grateful to him for his uncountable blessings.

I just want to be guided.

Jazakallah khair.

Thank you in advance.

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23 Responses »

  1. As salamualikum brother ,
    After reading the post , i will comment on the line
    "Honor is big for you" so you rejected your wives call to reconcile !!
    Where was your honor when you handed over the divorce to your wives.I feel you are chanelling your honor in the wrong direction only in this regard otherwise there is a lot of positivity here .
    Also i may be wrong but looks like you let your wives go away without exhausting all your means , you fought all the way for your kids even financially but not for your wives to stay in your life ...
    if your first wife is still willing to re marry you , provided you can marry her under shariah , then perhaps you might want to marry her , your honor is not helping the emptiness you feel . But do make she is on same deen chapter as yours
    From your post it looks like you have a controlling nature and want things your way , by now you might have learned marriage is a lot of compromise and sacrifice otherwise it is bound to break . Plus you would want to be an example for your daughters so please whatever you decide act responsibally.
    Another pattern is you put every set back of life on other, like divorce on wives , career on qadr , even though you take accountability by asking what have you done to go through this ,but its a question you ask not answer. Do you think you easily give up on people , things and ideas ? You might want to analyze yourself more . perhaps take a lighter view on your life and see if you have wronged anyone and fix it , if not , then take this as a test and keep on moving with Taqwa

    • Sorry but I have to say when I read this I really feel sorry for the children involved in all of this chaos. What a shame , may Allah (swt) guide you and remove arrogance haughtiness as those are the characteristics of shaytaan . May Allah (swt)bless your children Inshallah.

  2. Assalaamualaikum Warahmatulahi Wabarakaatu, brother.

    You made the best choice by isolating from your two spouses. Yet, honor being the explanation behind you to dismiss your first spouse's call to accommodate is wrong, brother!

    In the case of your first wife, as you say, "Our only quarrel used to be about dressing modestly and being a good Muslim and to carefully tend to kids. But she got fed up and chose to take her freedom." and "She loved glamorous lifestyle parties style and fashion and didn't find deen and the Islamic lifestyle was for her."

    "Didn't find deen and the Islamic lifestyle was for her" Yes, that's a good reason in Islam to divorce your wife as we see in the hadith of Ibrahim (as) and Ismael (as) that Ibrahim (as) asked his son to divorce his wife because she was complaining and ungrateful!

    After Ishmael's mother had died, Abraham came after Ishmael's marriage in order to see his family that he had left before, but he did not find Ishmael there. When he asked Ishmael's wife about him, she replied, 'He has gone in search of our livelihood.' Then he asked her about their way of living and their condition, and she replied, 'We are living in misery; we are living in hardship and destitution, 'complaining to him. He said, 'When your husband returns, convey my salutation to him and tell him to change the threshold of the gate (of his house).' When Ishmael came, he seemed to have felt something unusual, so he asked his wife, 'Has anyone visited you?' She replied, 'Yes, an old man of so-and-so description came and asked me about you and I informed him, and he asked about our state of living, and I told him that we were living in a hardship and poverty.' On that Ishmael said, 'Did he advise you anything?' She replied, 'Yes, he told me to convey his salutation to you and to tell you to change the threshold of your gate.' Ishmael said, 'It was my father, and he has ordered me to divorce you. Go back to your family.' So, Ishmael divorced her and married another woman from amongst them (i.e. Jurhum). [Sahih Bukhari, Vol 4, Book 55, Hadith #583]

    Narrated Abu Sa'id al-Khudri: Once Allah's Messenger went out to the Musalla (to offer the prayer) on 'Eid-al-Adha or al-Fitr prayer. Then he passed by the women and said, "O women! Give alms, as I have seen that the majority of the dwellers of Hell-fire were you (women)." They asked, "Why is it so, O Messenger of Allah?" He replied, "You curse frequently and are ungrateful to your husbands. I have not seen anyone more deficient in intelligence and religion than you. A cautious sensible man could be led astray by some of you." The women asked, "O Messenger of Allah! What is deficient in our intelligence and religion?" He said, "Is not the evidence of two women equal to the witness of one man?" They replied in the affirmative. He said, "This is the deficiency in her intelligence. Isn't it true that a woman can neither pray nor fast during her menses?" The women replied in the affirmative. He said, "This is the deficiency in her religion." [Sahih Bukhari (1/68) No. 304]

    As for your second wife, she wanted the khula, so there's no blame on you.

    So pride is an attribute that is not befitting for anyone except Allaah. Whoever seeks to compete with Allaah in that, Allaah will destroy him, wreak vengeance on him and make things difficult for him, my brother.

    It was narrated that Abu Sa’eed al-Khudri and Abu Hurayrah said: The Messenger of Allaah (S) said: “Might is His garment and pride is His cloak; whoever seeks to compete with Me concerning them, I will punish him.” (Muslim, 2620)

    Everyone who tries to be arrogant and put himself above others, Allaah will bring him down among the lowest of the low, and will humiliate him, because he is going against reality, so Allaah will punish him by thwarting his aims; the punishment is to fit the crime.

    So that is definitely the reason for every one of the failures, brother.

    The good news is you can repent easily and ask for forgiveness from Allah and after you've repented, Allah (swt) will test you once more, and in the event that you pass the test with patience, you will get a beautiful wife with a good character and more children if Allah wills, brother.
    Salaamualaikum.

    • As Salam Alaikum, you generally get to enjoy a woman with excellent character and seen if that is the character which you have , however if your character is poor and of bad traits then sorry brother but I do think a woman of piety and sound knowledge of Islam will walk away or not even be enticed at all to marry a bad man.
      Therefore Brothers I think if you want a beautiful wife with piety you need to really look as yourself and ask yourself whether you are worthy of such a wife.
      There are many Islamic beautiful females within the Ummah but I often wonder where the pious men are .
      May Allah (swt) guide us to our partners most suited to our characters and piety.
      Ameen.

      • Walaikumassalaam Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatu, sister.

        Mashallah. Your advice reminds me of Bilal (radiallahuanhu) when he proposes to the father of a girl.

        Bilal (RA) was very close to the heart of the Messenger of Allah (SAW), who used to describe him as ‘one of the inhabitants of Paradise.’ But Bilal remained just as he was, noble and humble, always considering himself ‘the Abyssinian who only yesterday was a slave.’

        One day he was proposing to two girls for himself and his brother, so be said to their father, ‘ I am Bilal and this is my brother, two slaves from Abyssinia. We were astray and Allah guided us. We were two slaves and Allah emancipated us. If you agree on us marrying your daughters, Alhamdullilah; if you refuse, then Allahu Akbar. 🙂

        Ya'ni it's not difficult to find pious husband, sister. I mean it's not the question of where the pious men are. It's the question of what would I have to do that would make Allah (swt) marry me to a pious spouse. So I would look at myself and see if there is shortcoming in my Salah, I would fix it. And if there is flaw in my character, I would fix it and so on. And after I've fixed everything of my deen and still Allah (swt) hasn't given me a pious spouse yet, I would look at myself and see if there is deficiency in my patience (sabr) and I would fix it. So if I have been given patience by Allah (swt), there is nothing to complain about.

        So are you looking for a pious husband yourself? If so, can you describe to me the qualities you would be looking for in a husband?

        Jazakallahu Khair.

        • Walaikum Salam , yes I am looking for a pious husband but I am looking in a Islamic manner via the masjid, not on a Internet forum , as that is not at all Islamic my Brother.

          May Allah (swt) guide the Ummah to piety and grant those Jannah .
          Ameen.

          • Assalaamualaikum.

            Mashallah, you're rightly guided about internet forums as:

            (1) They should not show pictures of the women, because looking at the woman to whom one is proposing is only allowed for the suitor once he has resolved to marry her, and it is not permissible for anyone else to look at her, and it is not permissible to enable anyone to do that.

            (2) The website should not give detailed descriptions of the woman so that it is as if one can see her, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No woman should describe another woman to her husband so that it is as if he is looking at her.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (5240).

            (3) It should not allow any correspondence between the two sexes, because of the evils that result from that, including the participation of mischief-makers both male and female whose intention is to do evil or have fun.

            And can I ask where you're from?

  3. Hi,

    You have gone through a lot in your life but still you are doing all your wajibaats and leading a good life. It is very good that you do astagfaar because sometimes we are not aware of our gunaah and it is good tht you ask for God's forgiveness. This is a test from God and this phase too shall pass, do everything you have been doing and pray diligently for what your heart desires. Inshallah you will be a happier person soon.

  4. No offence, but you seem a bit full of yourself. You easily point out flaws in others while you only talk positively about yourself. You blame Allah when things don't go your way, because the problem couldn't possibly be YOU, right?

    Allah is not against you or anyone - Allah doesn't make your choices, and Allah doesn't live your life. You do. Things don't go your way, because you don't make the right choices for yourself - you want one thing and do another. Prime example is your first marriage; You say Deen is important to you, so why on EARTH did you marry a woman with low Deen? That's like mixing oil and water and wondering why they don't blend. Because oil and water doesn't bloody blend, mate. You probably married your first wife for her glamorous, non-modest looks, and you divorced her for the same reason. It's hypocritical of you to have enjoyed her non-modest dressing before marriage, and then try to force her to change her ways for you after marriage. What you marry, you remain married to. People only change if they truly want to change themselves...they won't ever do it for you, or anybody else, and stick with it happily.

    I can't tell you why your second wife and her family are against you. I personally don't believe in magic, so the concept of casting spells on people...I just don't believe spells have any effect. If you do, that's fine - and then yeah, maybe it's..."black magic". But it could also be that the marriage, and you, aren't what they expected. Did you marry another non-modest woman and ask of her to become modest for you? On what grounds has your wife asked for khula? You conveniently don't tell us that - why? Because it puts a bad light on you? As far as I know, when people file for divorce, they have to state the reason why they want to get a divorce. Surely your wife has stated her reasons when she filed for khula?

    There are many things that don't add up...I truly feel like you're withholding details, because you don't want to spoil the positive image you have of yourself. I don't believe for a second the problem is only other people and Allah...

    • (3) It should not allow any correspondence between the two sexes, because of the evils that result from that, including the participation of mischief-makers both male and female whose intention is to do evil or have fun.

      And can I ask where you’re from?

      ### this clearly states the obvious my brother - may Allah(swt) guide the males and females within the Ummah not to fall into sin.
      Ameen.

      • Mashallah!

        I have a shiekh who is from Yemen but now teaches in Saudi and if you were from one of those two countries and from any of the cities where my sheikh lives, I was going to ask my sheikh to find a spouse for you whom the sheikh personally knows through the masjid. Now, you might say, "oh, why would I need somebody to find a spouse if I live in Saudi or Yemen, where there's lots of pious people" So I thought maybe it's that bad even there that you have difficulty finding a good spouse. May Allah (swt) forgive me.

        Jazakallah Khair. Salaamualaikum.

      • Islamicsister,
        I don't know why you responded to my comment, I assume that comment wasn't directed at me.

        Also, I don't know where you live, but it's hiiighly unrealistic to expect of people to have no contact with people of the opposite sex. The problem isn't the contact between men and woman, but what people do when they are in contact. Why shouldn't a man and a woman be able to sit down like civilized human beings and discuss marriage? Why shouldn't a man or a woman be able to be colleagues and maintain a professional relationship? Even animals have some sort of control over themselves, why shouldn't human beings have any?

  5. I know the rules of this site but i have submitted my question in June. Anyways i just want a quick question and a quick answer. Plz allow me.
    I am alone. its been 26years. I havent found anyone sincere, all play boys around me. If i want a sincere relaton and partner, is that wrong. Is really there are soul mates decided for us? What if no one is decided for me? Or as the subject is Is ALLAH upset with me? But how come he is upset with me since childhood?

    • Unfortunately I live in the U.K. Maybe I need to move to an Islamic state in order to find a pious husband.
      May Allah (swt) make it easy for the sisters whom seek Islamic spouses who follow the Islamic manners and directions quoted by the Quran when seeking marriage and a prospective spouse.
      I think in the uk this is needed as there is little choice when it comes to Islamic men.

      • May peace be upon you.

        So let me ask you a question. So now, you know, it's getting really hard to find a good spouse or to check if the spouse is indeed pious even if you find one, and at the time of Prophet Muhammad (SAW), when the sahaba (RA) approached him (SAW) to get married. he (SAW) himself used to take up that responsibility and would find them a spouse and get them married and we don't see that a lot now where the scholars are taking up that responsibility . So what do you think would be the solution to find pious spouses, especially in western countries?

        • I think for women especially there needs to be more aids available within the community, ie imaans or head of mosques etc intervention.
          Ideally a facility set up with in the mosque which does not contridict the Islamic teachings , to make it easier for Muslim Islamic women to marry men of this calibr. On the contrary in this country single dating sites are readily available and believe it or not but some mosques entertain speed dating within the masjid which is completely against the guidelines of the Quran.
          The mosques of the U.K. Need to invest in a halal way for the Muslim women and men to find suitable spouses in a halal environment with wails present and leaders of the mosques overseeing this , in order for the halal way to be made easy.
          Shaytaan is influencing our Ummah in society to make " haram" the easy way to meet people , yet us as a Ummah, should be making the "halal" way of marriage and choosing a correct spouse easy for us and our generations to come instead of making what is "halal" difficult. Which is where people fall into sin which then creates new problems ie higher divorce rates and children in these failed marriages who suffer in the process.
          Mainly these marriages fail because of the couples falling into sin at the very start of their journey when selecting a spouse.
          May Allah (swt) grant us a deeper understanding of our deen.
          Ameen

          • Assalaamualaikum.

            Mashallah, very beautiful advice. And you know what my answer is for that problem? My answer is that I would become just like our Prophet Muhammad (may peace be upon him) and beautify my character just like Prophet Muhammad (may peace be upon him) so much so that people would come to me and ask me to find a spouse for them, you know, and Alhamdullilah Allah is guiding me Subhanawataallah to follow in the footsteps of the Prophet (SAW). So that's why I asked for your country , for my Sheikh to help you if you were in those countries. I hope you would be that person too to follow in the Prophet's (may peace be upon him) footsteps and be there for the ummah just like the Prophet Muhammad (may peace be upon him) was.

            May Allah beautify your character and manners with the character and manners of the Prophet Muhammad (may peace be upon him) . Ameen.

            Salaamualakum.

          • Islamicsister
            Not necessary marriages failing due to sin at beginning.
            Even we have see marriages where people go for around marriage in total halal way and end up in divorces .
            There is no guaranty in marriage .
            We have seen some virgin pious spouses ending up funding a spouse who were in to zina before marriage.
            It's all about the luck .

          • @ cool - yes I agree with your point and I can confirm that sometimes unfortunately this does happen also, my point is if we make what is "halal" and "halal" ways of meeting perspective spouses easier we will far into far less sins , and that surely will benefit all involved.
            I appreciate some cases and marriages end in divorce despite the halal way in which the couples met but on a scale of things I believe that it a minority and may be " luck" as you said , but ideally the easier it is to follow Islamic guidelines the less problems we will be faced with as an Ummah as a whole .
            May Allah grant us deep understanding.
            Jazak Allah Khair.

      • Islamicsister,
        No one is forcing you to live in the UK, though. If you think it's such an unfortunate place to live, why don't you just move instead of being ungrateful about the blessings you have been given? because it is a blessing to live in a country that gives you some basic human rights that many so-called 'Muslim states' do not. If you're such a pious person, you'd know that ungratefulness isn't an Islamic value at all. You fantasize about the greener grass on the other side, not really realizing that the people that are living on the other side are often desperate to move to places like the UK. Living in so-called 'Muslim states' isn't necessarily as wonderful as you have made it out to be in your mind. You can't blame British society for your lack of marriage and the lack of good men - reading all the stories from this site, from people that do live in the Middle East adn Asia, you can see that men aren't necessarily any better or more Islamic there.

        But yeah, the Britst are not Muslims so, naturally, they are not going to cater to your Islamic special needs. Again, instead of moaning and complaining that you are somewhere you don't feel like you belong, take the necessary steps to start the process of moving to Saudi Arabia, or something :). There's nothing more annoying than a moaner that's passive / does nothing to change their situation that they complain about. That just makes them a chronic moaner, not a victim.

        • # lindita, clearly you have not understood the point I was making .
          Alhamdulliah I am blessed by Allah (swt) I have been fortunate enough to have been showered with so many blessings too many to count my dear sister.
          So no I'm very sorry but I do not agree with your comment at all and I think you have not understood my point at all.
          Maybe I was unclear of what I described in my answer and post.
          I'm sure you find many annoying things in life , but you shouldn't let things get to you in such a manner.
          And I'm not a victim at all sister I'm extremely fulfilled, and I may emigrate in the future if I see fit . I always try to follow what I think is the best solution and I'm not all afraid to follow my religion and guideance through Allah (swt).
          I do think there should be more Islamic centres catering to assist men and women in marriage Islamically .
          That was my point, I do think a lot of sisters would benefit from this as I have spoken to so many who feel the same.
          Maybe it maybe something I will look into myself -who knows what Allah (swt) has in store.
          I don't think I was moaning nor complaining just stating facts, you clearly are very negative.
          It seems you try to make it
          Other women look small on sites like these to boost your own confidence , I really don't think that has any place in Islam sister and I will not be replying to any more of your posts as they are quite nasty.

          • You don't sound fulfilled, judging by the amount of times you have complained about living in the West and talked about your dreams of moving to a 'Muslim state'. Now you're saying you're actually happy in the West and MAY want to emigrate. So what was all the complaining about if you in fact like living where you are and don't really have any intentions of moving? Very odd.

            I can't control how you view my messages, and what you choose to reply or not reply to. I personally can't see where I have said anything nasty to you - all I did was ask you why you don't move if you're not happy where you are. I'm sorry that's offensive to you, lol. Good luck in life with this much exaggerated sensitivity within you.

    • kiranexamples

      Assalaamualaikum. Can you try posting it as a separate question one more time now, sister? Inshallah, this time it'll get through.

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