My second marriage, his third, constantly fighting
Asking forgiveness from Allah
My husband and I have been married for the past 7month, it has been the worst 7 months of my life. He lives in Tx so I packed up everything and moved to be with him. I have no one here. I recently found out that I can't drive so I'm stuck in the house all day (not so bad anymore) but worst than that my husband and I constantly fight.
It has gotten so bad that we get physical with each other. I am alone here my family are telling me to come back to NJ but I love him and don't want my marriage to end. Now he's spending nights out at his brothers house, when a sister from the masjid come over to spend time with me. Is this right?
He says he needs time out from our relationship but I can't have any time out because I'm not from this state. I don't know what to do anymore. I am so confused and unhappy. This is my 2nd marriage his 3rd and I have an 8yr old (not his). This environment is not healthy for her but she's already settled and loves it here. He also makes excuses why we shouldn't get counseling. But always claim to love me. He provides for me, but it don't seem like enough.
I feel like I'm ungrateful. But"I'm just not happy! What should I do?
asha
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Dear Asha, Asalaamualaykum,
You sound as though you never actually wanted to move to Tx to join your husband, if this is true, why is this? And I do not understand why you recently found out you cannot drive? Is this because you are not qualified to drive or because your husband will not let you drive? If your husband does not let you drive, this is a little strange.
Furthermore, if you are both physically fighting, then this is serious. You have a young daughter in the house and I am sure the way you and your husband are behaving is having a negative impact on her. It is also not normal to have physical fights with your spouse - and just 7 months in to your marriage? Its seems that perhaps you both have anger management issues or are both very frustrated and unhappy in your current situation. Other questions come to mind, how much did you know about each other and were you happy with the arrangement before you both married?
You have not mentioned what your marital disagreements are about so it is difficult to say anything specific to your situation and I have only speculated upon the little information you have provided.
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I do not know what to say apart from this: that open/honest communication and respect are extremely important for any relationship to flourish and especially marriage. If you are physically fighting, there does not seem to be any respect there at all. But I would hope that you can both take some time out and 'talk', talk about what you both want and expect from each other, what do you want to give to each other, where do you want your future to go? If you feel that every time you talk, you end up arguing, it may be a good idea to start by writing a letter to your husband. It may sound silly seeing as you are in the same house, but if you write, it'll give you time to think before you speak, and it will give your husband time to think before he responds/reacts.
At the same time, if you are not already doing so, pray your salaah and try your best to establish an Islamic environment in your home. Say the duas of our Prophet(saw) when you awake, when you enter/exit the bathroom, before/after you eat, when you leave/enter the home etc. Say these duas aloud and encourage those in your home to do the same. Try to look attractive for yourself and for your husband. Meditate and try to establish why you are feeling so unhappy. Is it because of something you are missing in yourself, or is it something that this is missing in your marriage? It maybe that you and your husband both have some unclosed issue lingering from your past.
Communication is this key Dear Sister. Until you both know what you want and expect, you will continue cycling your circle of frustrations. The only way to break our of that is to express your thoughts.
Apologies for not offering more advice, but with your limited details, I cannot think of much more. InshaAllah one of the Editors maybe able to add something more beneficial.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
wow similar thoughts maria i applaud you for taking the islamic route too surely allah knows best and never fails I only hope to be as informative as you but surely this sister should turn to allah and as you implied try to better herself islamically instead of raising her temper back. inshallah take care sistrer M
oops sorry posted this here instead and realise sister S advice is great too ! Inshallah us women will be guided to jannah as will the pious of men
As salamu alaykum, sister Asha,
Thank you very much for sharing and opening your Heart.
It seems to me that both of you are extremely passionate human beings, one of you should be more subtle and focus into spirituality, insha´Allah. I will try to give you some tools to improve your quality of life, insha´Allah.
IThe Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) has taught us some strategies for dealing with anger.
For example, he said:
**** “I know a word, the saying of which will cause him to relax, if he does say it. If he says: ‘I seek Refuge with Allah from Satan’ then all his anger will go away.” [Al-Bukhari; Vol. 4, No. 502]
**** And he said,
“Anger comes from the devil, the devil was created of fire, and fire is extinguished only with water; so when one of you becomes angry, he should perform ablution.” [Abu Daud; Book 41, No. 4766]
**** Abu Dharr narrated: The Apostle of Allah, sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam, said to us: “When one of you becomes angry while standing, he should sit down. If the anger leaves him, well and good; otherwise he should lie down.” [Abu Daud; Book 41, No. 4764]
**** In another hadith, the Prophet, sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam, said:
“If one of you becomes angry then he should be silent.”
**** Narrated ‘Abdur Rahman bin Abi Bakra: Abu Bakr wrote to his son who was in Sijistan: Do not judge between two persons when you are angry, for I heard the Prophet, sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam, saying: “A judge should not judge between two persons while he is in an angry mood.”
Other strategies are the following:
1. Be humble in all actions and speech, and avoid arrogance.
2. Count our blessings.
3. Be optimistic and see the good in things instead of focusing on the faults of others
4. Pray your five salat and try to do it on time, listen to Allah(swt) when He calls you, don´t let Him for later, He is the Priority number One in our Life.
5. Recite the Names and Attributes of Allah(swt)
6. Listen to the recitation of Al-Quran in your house.
7. Read the Quran
8. Be thankful (Alhamdulillah), ask for forgiveness(Astagfiroullah), begin everything (Bismillah), submit to Allah(Insha´Allah),...... Have always Allah(swt) in your thought, your words and your acts.
The most effective way I have found to deal with anger is to pray and submit to Allah.
It can be helped physically, specially in your case, being a woman I would advice you to care of your diet, reduce the intake of animal protein and fat in the last meal of the day, reduce or avoid completely coffee, black tea and soft drinks, reduce the quantity of sugar and salt, this will help you to keep your nervous system in a healthier state.
For your husband, animal protein always with vegetables, trying to avoid or reduce spices at minimun, don´t abuse of fat either, reduce, little by little, the quantities of salt, make tasty meals but everyday put a bit less of salt, little by little, you don´t want him to shout you because of the food, you can train his taste, slowly.
About exercise I would recomend you the following:
Walking at least 40 minutes a day for you, enjoying the walk and being here and now.
And other exercise I would recommend to both of you is to follow the next relaxation, you can record it and listen to together or you can do it first and with time he will join you:
http://islamicsunrays.com/islamic-meditation-for-relaxation-and-spiritual-comfort/
What I would advice you from Heart apart from what I already said to you it is the following:
Once you pray, it will come easier to you to be sweeter, patient, silent, you won´t have the need of replying when he is angry, you will feel more peaceful, and this will have an effect in your husband and your daughter, you will see how everything changes around you, insha´Allah.
You are a woman, a woman doesn´t need to fight with a man, you can disagree and talk about it, but when he is cold, don´t try to argue with him when he is burning, listen to him respectfully but don´t answer if he tries to provoke you, this way he will have to listen to his own arguments, bring Peace to your Heart, and if he gets too annoyed, look for refuge in Allah(swt) and in your Heart, tell to your husband how much you love and respect him and thank Allah(swt) for putting this feelings in your Heart towards him, Alhamdulillah.
Go, little by little, and you will see how your life changes, insha´Allah. You can do it, that is why you asked for help, Alhamdulillah.
Please remember at the top of this page you have a link with duas and other one with tawbah, this maybe helpful for you, insha´Allah.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Just one more thing,
Specially for your little daughter, smiling and be loving from Heart will be the best of the sweeteners of life you could ever give to her, children are very sensitive, in a very special way she will help you to be your best, insha´Allah.
You sound as a very sweet, loving and caring woman, let that be a way for excellence to yourself, you are being a role model to your child and the sweetness, the joy and the caring you see in her, you have it too, Alhamdulillah.
Thank you very much for listening to me. Please if you have any doubts, write to us again to be able to help you, insha´Allah.
Barak Allah feekum
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister Asha
My Best Advice would be to change your own ways before hoping others change theirs. When he is raising his voice you be calm and remain strong say auuzobillahi-minna-shaytwaa-nirra-jeem and don't let your temper get the best of you. All you can do - sorry, the best thing you can do is turn to Allah s.w.t to help your marriage so that it doesn't end in divorce if you truly love him and that is what you want. Try to make changes to better yourself and your daughter's life first and foremost- don't just drop everything and move back because it seems your daughter is happy. Obviously if things don't improve then thats fine to move back but you shouldnt without first trying then at least you can say you did all you could.
I hope you have a happy life and you enter jannah inshallah as long as you do nothing wrong inshallah allah will guide and help you and this situation take care sister remember to thank allah everyday and please start talking and working things through