Married and seriously unhappy
Unhappy marriage
Question:
I am a 27 year old . muslim pakistani man been raised in the. UK and went to pakistan to get married.. It wasn't actually an arranged marriage, . I went there for vacation, met the girl myself and decided to marry her 3 months after meeting her. without even an engagement.
I did it to make my parents happy as its exactly the type of girl they like and would want. . She now lives with me in UK, and im soooo depressed. . She is a nice girl, a doctor, she cooks cleans and cares alot for me.. But there is something missing, there is no love from my side at ALL.
She loves me alot and would do anything for me, but im so frustrated and get angry easily whenever she does anything small to upset me. as I know I'm with someone I don't love.. . I get real real angry and always end up shouting abusing language to her and leaving the house. I have lived with her now for only few weeks and already have had enough.
I dont like her company when we go out, I always look at other women and imagine I was with them. I find oriental women soo much more attractive and dream I was with one. I feel sooo depressed.. I told her. I wasn't happy and want a divorce but she begs. I dont do it.
And my parents love her soo much that they. always are on her side and tell me there is something wrong with me and. in time. I will love her etc.. They just don't understand my point of view. They keep forcing me to stay with her. I keep running away from home just to be happy and get time alone.
What do i do???? Please can someone help me with advice, should I still try? Should I just forget everyone and divorce?? Help.
- r999
Sister Z's Answer:
r999, As-salamu alaykum,
I'm assuming your name 'r999' reflects your post - 'help'?
If you have the courage to want to leave your wife now, why did you not have the courage to speak up to your parents before marrying her? It find it so frustrating and annoying when I see such cases. You decided you wanted to choose a spouse whom your parents would be happy with, but you still had the responsibility to ensure you would be able to communicate with this girl and have enough in common to build a marriage on.
So you get married to keep your parents happy. Test it out - what have you got to lose? She's an attractive girl, she's a doctor, kind, nice, caring, she'll look after your mum. Now you've done it. Within two weeks of 'struggle', and you can't take it anymore. So you make another 'well thought out' decision, you're not happy so get rid of the wife and find another one; its like going shoe shopping. Its so simple. But wakey wakey bro....a little wake up call and reality check for you wouldnt go astray.
Marriage is not a game and neither is this poor girl's life a game. She's left her whole family and comfort zone to come to another country for you - because 'you' decided to pick her.
We all have parental pressure, including myself. But to take such a big step like marriage without your heart being in it, thats quite a foolish thing to do. And then furthermore, you are trying to blame your parents for it. You chose the girl, you decided to marry her, so you must have been drawn towards her in some way. I don't think you would have made such a decision entirely to keep your parents happy. It seems to me that now that you are married, you are finding it difficult to adjust to her and are trying to find a way out by blaming your parents.
'Love' is not an instant potion that magics its way into your marriage just by having your nikah done. It takes time to flourish and grow. Speak to anyone; marriages can be difficult to start with. Whether you have had a totally dry arranged marriage or got to know the person a little before hand - you havent lived with them. So it will be difficult at first as you are trying to adjust to each other, you are trying to get to know each other's niggling habits. If you give this marriage the chance it deserves, you will be in a position to make a better decision. And in order to give this marriage a fair chance, you need to have a degree of maturity.
But unfortunately, from your comment: 'I find oriental women soo much more attractive and dream I was with one', you seem to have alot of growing up to do.
Brother - I don't think you were mature enough to get married to this intelligent young girl. Nor, do I think if you were to get divorced, would you be mature enough to look for another wife yet.
***
So what can you do?
- Be open with your wife about how you are feeling - although that will hurt her; but she needs to know what she is dealing with.
- At the same time, re-assess your goals in life. What exactly is important to you in life and in a wife, bearing in mind that looks maybe important but are not everything. Make a list...
- Improve your relations with Allah(swt) and learn about the life of Prophet Muhammed(saw) to give you an overview of how beautiful a Muslim marriage can be when based on the right things.
- Get to know your wife, take her out, go on a short holiday, treat this like a courting/dating period - give her a chance. Try not to think of this as just something you did for your parents, as that is partly what is making you bitter. Take responsibility by accepting that you are an adult and you made this choice - no one forced you but yourself. As a Muslim man, you have responsibilities towards your wife, and you will be held accountable if you do not give them their due.
- Do not think of divorce so flippantly. It is not forbidden Islamically, but is highly disliked by Allah(swt) especially if you excercise it without making a genuine effort to make your marriage work. So give yourself a chance of learning and growing in eemaan before making the next decision. Make the decision a well thought out one this time. You can only do this if you change yourself first.
Apologies if I have come across as a little harsh, but honestly, your priorities way are out order here Bro.
Shaykh Ibn aUthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
It is narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "The most hated of permissible things to Allaah is divorce." This hadeeth is not saheeh, but its meaning is sound: Allaah hates divorce, but He does not forbid it to His slaves, so as to make things easier for them. If there is a legitimate shar'i or regular reason for divorce, then it is permissible and depends on the likely outcome of keeping this woman as one's wife. If keeping her will lead to something that is contrary to sharee'ah which cannot be avoided except by divorcing her, such as if the woman is lacking in religious commitment or chastity, and the husband cannot set her straight, then in this case we say that it is better to divorce. But if there is no shar'i reason or ordinary reason, then it is better not to divorce, rather in that case divorce is makrooh.
http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/120761
And Allah knows best.
If any readers have some additional advice for this questioner, I invite you to post your comments below.
(O Allah), Guide us to the straight path; The path of those whom you have favored; Not those with whom you are angry; Nor those who go astray.
Sister Z, Editor
IslamicAnswers.com Marriage Advice
Entries(RSS)
r999 - I'm assuming your name 'r999' reflects your post - 'help'?
If you have the courage to want to leave your wife now, why did you not have the courage to speak up to your parents before marrying her? It find it so frustrating and annoying when I see such cases. You decided you wanted to choose a spouse whom your parents would be happy with, but you still had the responsibility to ensure you would be able to communicate with this girl and have enough in common to build a marriage on.
So you get married to keep your parents happy. Test it out - what have you got to lose? She's an attractive girl, she's a doctor, kind, nice, caring, she'll look after your mum. Now you've done it. Within two weeks of 'struggle', and you can't take it anymore. So you make another 'well thought out' decision, you're not happy so get rid of the wife and find another one; its like going shoe shopping. Its so simple. But wakey wakey bro....a little wake up call and reality check for you wouldnt go astray. Marriage is not a game and neither is this poor girl's life a game. She's left her whole family and comfort zone to come to another country for you - because 'you' decided to pick her.
We all have parental pressure, including myself. But to take such a big step like marriage without your heart being in it, thats quite a foolish thing to do. And then furthermore, you are trying to blame your parents for it. You chose the girl, you decided to marry her, so you must have been drawn towards her in some way. I don't think you would have made such a decision entirely to keep your parents happy. It seems to me that now that you are married, you are finding it difficult to adjust to her and are trying to find a way out by blaming your parents.
'Love' is not an instant potion that magics its way into your marriage just by having your nikah done. It takes time to flourish and grow. Speak to anyone; marriages can be difficult to start with. Whether you have had a totally dry arranged marriage or got to know the person a little before hand - you havent lived with them. So it will be difficult at first as you are trying to adjust to each other, you are trying to get to know each other's niggling habits. If you give this marriage the chance it deserves, you will be in a position to make a better decision. And in order to give this marriage a fair chance, you need to have a degree of maturity.
But unfortunately, from your comment: 'I find oriental women soo much more attractive and dream I was with one', you seem to have alot of growing up to do.
Brother - I don't think you were mature enough to get married to this intelligent young girl. Nor, do I think if you were to get divorced, would you be mature enough to look for another wife yet.
***
So what can you do?
- Be open with your wife about how you are feeling - although that will hurt her; but she needs to know what she is dealing with.
- At the same time, re-assess your goals in life. What exactly is important to you in life and in a wife, bearing in mind that looks maybe important but are not everything. Make a list...
- Improve your relations with Allah(swt) and learn about the life of Prophet Muhammed(saw) to give you an overview of how beautiful a Muslim marriage can be when based on the right things.
- Get to know your wife, take her out, go on a short holiday, treat this like a courting/dating period - give her a chance. Try not to think of this as just something you did for your parents, as that is partly what is making you bitter. Take responsibility by accepting that you are an adult and you made this choice - no one forced you but yourself. As a Muslim man, you have responsibilities towards your wife, and you will be held accountable if you do not give them their due.
- Do not think of divorce so flippantly. It is not forbidden Islamically, but is highly disliked by Allah(swt) especially if you excercise it without making a genuine effort to make your marriage work. So give yourself a chance of learning and growing in eemaan before making the next decision. Make the decision a well thought out one this time. You can only do this if you change yourself first.
Apologies if I have come across as a little harsh, but honestly, your priorities way are out order here Bro.
Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
It is narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The most hated of permissible things to Allaah is divorce.†This hadeeth is not saheeh, but its meaning is sound: Allaah hates divorce, but He does not forbid it to His slaves, so as to make things easier for them. If there is a legitimate shar’i or regular reason for divorce, then it is permissible and depends on the likely outcome of keeping this woman as one's wife. If keeping her will lead to something that is contrary to sharee’ah which cannot be avoided except by divorcing her, such as if the woman is lacking in religious commitment or chastity, and the husband cannot set her straight, then in this case we say that it is better to divorce. But if there is no shar’i reason or ordinary reason, then it is better not to divorce, rather in that case divorce is makrooh.
http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/120761
SisterZ
Do know that there were some other ways she pleases you. Divorcing her is not the right step for now. You need to adhere strictly to sister Z's advice.
ALLAH knows best.
hey man hear me u hav to be more patient this girl love you and then you give her a shout man you have 2 keep this marriage goin on and your life will improve in fact you got a girl that likes your parents what about the ones that dont care for thier husband parents man thank god
Al-Qur'an 24:32] "And marry those among you that are single and (also marry) the Salihun (pious, fit and capable ones) of your (male) slaves and maid-servants (female slaves). If they be poor Allah will enrich them out of His bounty. And Allah is All-Sufficient for His creatures' needs, All-Knowing (about the state of the people)."
1 Short separation (days) will strengthen the marriage but long separation can weaken the relationship.
. As they say 'absence makes the heart grow fonder.'
2 Understand each others fitrah (The fitrah is the natural disposition of a person e.g. Allah has created man and women with certain qualities that are innate in them).
. The hadith of Muhammad (saw) states that "Every person is born on a state of fitrah, it is their parents that change them to a Jew, Christian or Fire worshipper." Both the husband and wife must realise not to challenge each others fitrah but can account each other by their fitrah.
. Hadith: Prophet Muhammad (saw) said to his daughter Fatima; 'O Fatima , Allah has made Ali on a certain fitrah that you should know about."
3 Try and solve disputes on the same day.
. Hadith: Prophet Muhammad (saw) said ; "Don't let disputes stay until the next day but solve it the same day."
. Shaytan is always there to cause fitna for people especially between the husband and wife so its important not to let disputes last longer than a day otherwise small issues will seem very big.
4 Don't speak about your past!
. Islam forbids speaking about your jahilliyah (days of before practising Islam).
5 Stay away from idealism and live your lives naturally.
. Hadith: A couple came to Prophet (saw) and said 'we make mistakes' and He (saw) said 'you are not perfect'.
. Always evaluate the problem and don't pretend or expect miracles.
6 Convey your love and warm feelings to each other.
. Hadith: "You must express yourself to your partners"
. The wife of Muhammad (saw) said: "The Prophet (saw) never let a day pass without showing his affection."
7 Fight against your own problems and don't share anger with your partner.
8 Do not be critical of each other.
. Hadith: Prophet (saw) said "Do not be critical". All type of criticism is forbidden in Islam.
. Islam allows certain type of lying in order to maintain a good relationship e.g. complementing on the wife's cooking even if it doesn't taste nice!
9 When disputing with your partner don't expand the argument by adding all other previous disputes.
. Hadith: Prophet (saw) said "Dare any of you who sleeps with his wife in the night and then critises her in the morning."
10 Never doubt your partner,
. Doubting each other can lead to the destruction of the marriage
11 Trust your partner and show you have full confidence in them.
12 Pick a suitable partner for yourself but also make sure that you are also compatible for your partner.
. Hadith: A man came to the Prophet Muhammad (saw) after seeing a woman for the purpose of marriage and said 'She is of good Deen but her father refuses' He (saw) replied 'did you look to yourself?' (This man never went for jihad or was see among the men of Medina ). The man replied 'Ya Rasuallah, verily you have spoken the truth".
13 The main pillar to maintain good relationship between the husband and wife is purity hence cleanliness of body and house etc is important.
. Once a woman complained to the Prophet (saw) about her husband's bad odour.
. Hadith: The Messenger Muhammed (saw) said "None of you who believe in Allah, spits and covers it."
14 You need to sacrifice to maintain relationship.
. Hadith : The Messenger Muhammad (saw) said; "Sacrifice is the best gift between the husband and wife."
15 ADVISE FROM A SAHABIYAT TO HER DAUGHTER;
. "Care about your husband like you care about yourself and love for your partner what you love for yourself."
. The Messenger Muhammad (saw) will never eat before his wives as mentioned in a hadith " The best amongst you is the one who raises the food and feeds his wife."
16 Give your partner gifts.
. Exchanging gifts will cause more inclinations towards each other and strengthen the relationship.
17 Don't be selfish!
. Give and take, don't always take.
18 Don't accuse your partner for problems e.g. by saying 'You did it' or 'it's your fault.'
19 Live for the day and don't worry about tomorrow.
. Allah knows whether or not you are going to wake up in the morning!
20 Always remember that marriage is a divine bond, so think twice before doing something on the impulse which you will regret later.
. Hadtih: The Messenger Muhammad (saw) said; "Three things that are serious; marriage, divorce and freeing the slave."
21 Although love is an essential part of marriage, do not take it for granted and abuse each other thinking that your partner will always love you regardless of ill treatment.
22 Be an example to your partner and let your actions tell and convey your personality.
. Hadith: Muhammad (saw) said; "To change your partner the way you wish, be the model for them."
. Hadith: "Pray Qiyaam with your wife."
. Hadith: Once Fatima (ra) the daughter of the Prophet Muhammad (saw) asked 'How can I be closer to Ali (ra)?' He (saw) replied 'Pray Qiyaam ul-Layl with him and whenever he wakes up, wake up with him.'
23 Do not let parents, relatives or neighbours interfere with your marriage.
. Try to reconcile between yourselves as much as you can and if that's not possible than allow a trustworthy Muslim to arbitrate.
24 Don't rush into correcting differences which you perceive in your partner. There are some matters that can only be changed with time.
25 The couple must both accept the consequences and responsibilities that marriage brings and be satisfied.
26 Do not embarrass or humiliate your partner especially in the presence of other people.
27 Participate in collective activities together.
. Co-operating with each other will bring a sense of family life e.g. Picnics, BBQ, dawah projects etc.
. The Prophet Muhammad used to do collective things with his wives.
28 Do not look down to your partner or ridicule their capability rather let your partner express themselves.
. Hadith: The Prophet Muhammad (saw); "The good husband is the one when the speaks he listens and when she complains he is concerned."
29 The financial right (Naafaqah) of the wife is something serious and her husband must fulfil it.
30 Do not share your sadness and misery with your partner rather exchange jokes and laughter.
31 Do not allow your friends to interfere in your marriage.
. Aisha (ra) the wife of Muhammad (saw) once said to the women of the Ansar "Watch out! Do not give room for your friends to interfere in your own privacy."
. Part of a man's fitrah is that he has the right of authority in the family as the head of the household and also that no one should know about his affairs.
32 Let your husband feel that you are content with him and that you are proud of him.
. Hadith : Muhammad (saw) "Do not compare your husband with another man and don not compare your wife with another woman."
33 During times of disputes remember the goodness of your partner.
. Hadith: Muhammad (saw) said; "The good deed abolishes the bad deed"
34 Abu Bakr (ra) said: "In order to understand the character and goodness of your partner, and to fight defection, remember;
. What you like about your partner?
. What happy experience has passed you two?
. What things you did together?"
. Umar bin Khattab (ra) said: "The good man is the one who makes his partner like him and appreciate him."
35 Be careful not to use abusive words during times of disputes.
36 Have celebrations with the family.
. The Prophet Muhammad used to encourage his daughter Fatima (ra) and Ali (ra) to celebrate with their children.
37 The intelligent wife is the one who asks her husband for things at the right time e.g. don't ask for a expensive dress if you know he can't afford it!
38 Hadith: The Prophet Muhammad (saw) said ; "Three things that should not be used My dignity, My status, My pride."
39 Do not abolish the presence of your partner. Always have consult your partner, even if it's for small issues like grocery shopping.
40 Do not run away from home!
. If you want to discipline the wife for doing something sinful then separate from the bed but don't leave home.
. Hadith: The Messenger Muhammad (saw) said; "Don't run away from home"
41 Do not anger your husband by asking too many unnecessary questions and vice versa.
42 Do not desert the husband at home.
. Umar bin Khattab disciplined a woman for that and said to her; 'Are you a woman or a man?'
43 Do not exchange roles!
. Allah (swt) has clearly defined the rights and responsibilities of the husband and wife hence it is not proper for us to swap them. A woman must remember even if she is working, her husband, children and home would always come first.
44 Respect the In-laws.
45 Hadith: The Prophet Muhammad (saw) said; "Honour your mother in-law and call her by the best names (according to the tradition)."
46 Don't let the neighbour interfere.
. Hadith: The Prophet Muhammad (saw) said; "Look after your neighbours and participate with them in happiness and sadness and always command them to obey Allah."
. Disclosing family secrets is not participating in sadness!
47 Be careful not to have disputes frequently, it will jeopardise the relationship.
. Learn to sacrifice in issues of permissibility in order to maintain tranquillity.
48 Always establish quietness, calmness and tranquillity in the home.
49 Do not interfere with your partner when they are disciplining the children except in an emergency where your partner is violating the shari'ah.
50 Look after your children and maintain a high standard of upbringing e.g. clothing, feeding etc.
51 Listen to your husband and try not to forget to do things for which he has asked you to do.
. Hadith: The Prophet Muhammad (saw) said ; "Teach your wife the chapter of An-Nisa, Al-Maida, An-Nur (from the Qu'ran)."
52 Shari'ah must be the centre of your lives and obedience to your husband is one of the means to Jannah.
53 Remember that Allah will always test you and there will be times that you may have domestic problems but remember every problem doesn't mean the end!
54 Avoid arguing with each other especially in front of children.
55 The wife should not allow anyone to enter her home without the permission of her husband.
Assalamu Aleikum,
What do you think? That marriage is just a game you play ???? If you had pre-marital sex or had
some haram relationships, one could at least understand your rejection in terms of your wife.
You said that you prefer oriental women. Pakistan is in the Middle-East, doesn't your wife look
oriental enought to you if she's Pakistani? I can only agree with Sister Z that you are immature,
beauty is not everything. The beautiful woman is very often not the right partner for a man.
She may be arrogant, spoiled and vain. You have a very good wife with good attributes, otherwise
your parents wouldn't praise her like that. The most beautiful woman won't stay with you if you don't
work on your attributes as a man. Be firm, honest, friendly, seduce her and I can't even blame you for
day-dreaming about women, that' s a normal drive within the man. Do everything you're thinking of
on the street at home with your wife. Follow Sister Z's advice and go on a romantic holiday. Believe me
Brother, in lingerie and with make-up, we all look the same as long as we're young and vital.
Good luck, and don't be such a child. You chose her, you wanted her, she's not an object. The prophet
even married widows far older than him. He never deprived any woman of her rights, young or old,
beautiful or ugly. Keep that in mind and grow up
salaam aalykom borhter..
i dont think many people are actully taking his thoughts into concern..
he is not happy.. and if hes not happy .. then does Allaah want him to live like this
surley not!.. yes he has a good wife maa shaa Allaah but attraction and love is a big part..
and i can relate to this broter as i feel the same with my husband
and its a very hard situation because you dont know what to do
i think stick it out for a few weeks if u still feel the same then you need to com to a real decision
isist better for your deen to be without her? if yes then id pursue what will make u happy and make ur deen stronger n allow u to practise ur religion fully.. thats what im doing
in shaa Allaah we both are guided to the straight path and its made easy for us.
keep updated
salaam alaykom wa rahmatullah wabarakatuhu
Why dont people realize that Islam forbids marriages that occur under any type of pressure or force? From this story it seems like the guy was coaxed to marry this girl by his family who may have used emotional and other aspects as bargaining power chips to get him to toe the line. Agreed he is wrong to have caved in to pressure, each of us need to recognize and respect our rights and privileges and use them wisely.
But at the same time it is not acceptable to live in an unhealthy unhappy marriage for the rest of your life, both he and the woman seem miserable. If you cannot make it work and do not see a way out then end the marriage and let the lady find her way and hopefully you both will meet the right person in due time.
To all the people quoting the Quran and saying he needs to fear the wrath of Allah as divorce is wrong, remember that before divorce comes the premise that marriage under any kind of duress is not recognized under Islam. God helps those who help themselves and it is necessary to value this at all times and in all circumstances. You all should not be encouraging someone to continue in a relationship he does not believe in, as he may agree with you but tolerance is not love and certainly not respect for the spouse and the marriage. If he sees no way out and is thinkinf of other women, it is only a matter of time before he strays and the wife deserves better than that. Divorce in this scenario may be the most rational option and allow both these people to move on with their lives in a happy healthy way.