Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I left him; he’s moved on; now I’ve asked for a second chance.

Walking away, running away, hiking

"He says he has moved on..."

As Salaam Alaikum,

I reverted to Islam 10 years ago (before I met my husband). My parents didn't know and I knew they wouldn't approve, so when I met my husband we decided to marry and I left home without telling my family. My in-laws accepted me wholeheartedly, but because of how I left I was never truly happy. I became bitter, and this filtered into my marriage. My husband was very loving and supporting, even during the most heated of arguments when I asked for a divorce the word 'talaq' would never escape his lips.

This year we will be married 8 years. Through persistance and perserverance my family started talking to me. They allowed me back into the family home. I was craving this love I had missed over the years, and finally made a decision to move back in without telling my husband. Obviously my husband was heartbroken and he begged me to come back. I refused every time. Now 17 months later, I have realized what I did was wrong. I do truly love my husband, and I have asked him for a second chance.

But now he is saying that he has moved on and is with someone. They have been together 4 months. She is divorced, and her Iddat comes to an end this week, therefore she is now pressuring him to divorce me. He still hasn't divorced me, as he says it doesn't feel right and he can't bring himself to do it. I have told him that I am willing to accept her as a second wife, but she has made it clear that she will never marry him whilst he is still married to me.

My questions are:

Is this girl's Iddat valid, as I know she has been with my husband throughout?

If my husband divorces me, marries this girl, and then decides to marry me again, does he have to ask his wife's permission?

How does the divorce process work, do there have to be witnesses present?

I look forward to your response.

JazakhAllah Khairun.

-Zeinab


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13 Responses »

  1. ASSLAMALAIKUM
    THERE ARE CERTAIN POINTS IN YR CASE WHICH NEED TO BE ENQUIRED THROUGHLY FROM QURAN AND HADEES ONLY -IF YOU GO THE DEVIANT SOURCES OR ANY ONE HERE GIVES YOU THEIR FATWAS AND THEIR OPINIONS AND THE WEBSITES THEN YOU WILL LAND UP IN SUCH CONFUSION AND DISAPPOINTMENT YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO WASH YR BRAIN FROM THEM ONCE TAKEN DEEP IN YR HEAD-
    SO GIVE 2/3 DAYS TIME TO REPLY IF U REALLY NEED THE TRUE ANSWER ON THE SUBJECT-
    TILL THEN YOU CAN REPLY ABOUT YR HUSBANDS ISLAMIC STATUS MEANS HIS TOUCH WITH ALLAH HIS PROPHET SALALAHUALAIHIWASALAM AND HIS COUNTRY BACK GROUND TO UNDERSTAND HIS MIND TOWARDS YOU-
    REGARDS

    • W/slm Ali Youssuf. My husband is Pakistani. He is not a practising Muslim but classes himself a Muslim nonetheless. He will only eat Halal, etc. i think that's what you wanted to know?
      Also, i have asked him to turn to Allah SWT in this testing time, i even asked him to do Istikhara. He keeps saying he is a bad person. At this point i feel that is an excuse.

  2. Sister , of he divorce , he cant marry you ..back again unless that condition is met which people make use of it for vested interest .

    No where it states to seek wives permission but if she put forth a condition in her nikah that he will not marry anyone if he marries her then your chance is black out ..

    To sum up he has move on , and why shall he even give you second chance !? this is the psychology of women that they are indecisive .. However, if his new future wife accepts to live with you then its fine. I can say that your only bet is HERSELF .. So convince her and speak to her in a sisterly way .

    • Incorrect, Aalim. First of all, they are not divorced. Secondly, even if they were divorced, they could still remarry without any problem unless they have been divorced three times.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. As-salamu alaykum Zeinab,

    You have described your husband as loving, supportive and patient, and yet you left him with no notice and moved back to your parents' house? That makes no sense.

    Some people don't appreciate what they have, and only desire what they cannot have. As long as your husband was loving and kind, you repaid him with bitterness and arguments. As long as he kept on begging you to return, you continued refusing. But as soon as he got fed up and found someone else, you turn around and want him back.

    My guess is that if he took you back the marriage would go back to the same old dynamic.

    As to whether the other woman's iddat is valid, we have no way of knowing. Are you alleging that she committed zinaa with your husband?

    To the best of my knowledge, it is recommended to have two witnesses to the divorce, but is not required. Quran 65:2 has been interpreted by the majority of the scholars as a recommendation, not a requirement.

    My recommendation is that you accept the consequences of your behavior, by which I mean that you accept that your husband has moved on. Let him find happiness with someone else. Insha'Allah you will find a good husband of your own in the future, and hopefully you will have learned something from your past experience.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • With respect to Zeinab, I think being alienated from your parents at a time in your life that should otherwise be happy can be very heart-renching for any girl -- especially if she was close to her parents, and her parents forsook her due to her marriage. I think Zeinab's emotions were normal, and her husband should have recognized this -- it does not sound like she became bitter against him, but the loss of her relationship with her parents made her bitter and angry inside.
      And her decision afterwards to return to her parents' home may have been a desperate attempt to salvage that relationship after years of being cut off from them.

      Many, many girls are put in this position, and yes it affects their marriage. I agree her husband has moved on, but honestly I don't think Zeinab should be chastised for her decisions. I can hear the pain and anguish in having to choose between her husband and her parents; maybe she thought her husband would support her as she went through that process. Perhaps, what she needed was a good solid support or someone to liase between herself and her family of origin, I don't know, but I just don't think her "behaviour" is worthy of criticism and necessarily a comment on her value as a spouse. It can't be boiled down to her desiring what she can't have -- the issues are much more complex than that.

      • Salaams,

        When I was editing this post, I admit I was thinking along the same lines as brother Wael. If he had not responded first, I would've probably given the same advice.

        For me, the reason why I would feel she made an unreasonable choice is because:

        1. She made the decision to go visit her family without telling her husband. It doesn't sound like he tried to come between them, so why would she just not talk to him about what she wanted to do, and do it with his full permission and support?

        2. She stayed away for 17 months. I can understand her going away, loving the time with her family, and spending several weeks and maybe even a few months. But over a year? That's a long time to be away from your spouse, and still expect them to take you back when you decide it's time. Women are supposed to follow the authority of their husbands in these matters, unless the husband is taking an extreme position- which doesn't seem to be the case here.

        3. The sister seems to have a pattern of "fleeing" when a situation is not ideal. For instance, when she married this brother, she just left her family with no word and went in life with him and his family. This is not a constructive response to conflict, and I tend to think that maybe her ability to go to extremes causes tension in all her personal relationships.

        Despite all this, her husband wants to remain committed to her. I can't say I really blame him for wanting a second wife who may have a less unpredictable nature, while at the same time longing to hang on to the one who has already been a big part of his life. Chances are if she agrees to continue with him into a polygamous situation, the stress of the arrangement will again push her to an extreme response, which may cause him to reconsider a meaningful future with her if it happens enough times.

        Just some things to consider.

        -Amy
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Precious star,

        You sound like those feminist women in the west who blame everything on the men and portray women as the innocent. The truth is abundantly clear but all hail feminism.

        • Dear AaAa,

          You sound like one of those individuals who do not know what it is like to love your parents to the point that you would do anything for them, even jeopardize your marriage.

          Someday you will learn not to be so judgmental. Or arrogant.

          • Why would someone jeopardized their own marriage? In this case there was no reason at all. Her husband was very supportive and loving and even after she's left him he was asking her to come back but she refused.
            And now she wants him back? It's too late, she should leave him alone to be happy.

          • Precious star ( not precious btw).

            Haha. Your comment is plain right ridiculous and stupid. Women who destroy or jeopardize their healthy marriages should seek counselling and therapy. They have issues. Not feminist chanting of " you go girl" or " you are right and your husband is wrong " or " Women did this in emotion and so she must not be judged ".

            I am not arrogant or judgmental. It seems as if you can't comprehend my comment and indeed the whole issue posted over here.

            Good for the husband of the OP that he has moved on.

  4. Salaams everyone. Thank you all for commenting, it has given me a lot of food for thought.

    Wael - Yes, I know they have committed Zina because I have asked him and he has admitted it. It's human to think the grass is greener on the other side but really it's green where you water it.

    Precious Star - Thanks for understanding.

    Amy - Your post has made me look at myself the most. Especially the 'fleeing' comment. I do feel when I am put in a tough situation I choose flight instead of fight.

    Since I have last posted there have been some developments. My husband has told me that he will not be divorcing me so I am moving in with him. He will not abandon his new relationship either so he has agreed to marry her, we are just trying to find an arrangement that works best for us all now Inshallah.

  5. What arrangement did you and your husband come to? How did everything work out with the second wife

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