Muslim convert in love with a Pakistani woman
Pakistani bride.
In my life I've been through a lot I know what to work for, to strive for. I know what love is and know how it may blind us and I can logically look at a situation.
I am white British born near Liverpool and was brought up catholic. I shunned religion for a large part of my life. the catholic religion did not agree with what I believed in the world of science and further I found the church to be quite corrupted. Mid 2012 however I decided to convert to Islam and I feel it was one of the best decisions I ever made.
My problem however is with a relationship I am in with a Muslim lady, we have been dating for 4 months now spend a lot of time with one another, have done many things even spend up to 3 hrs on the phone each day. We both love one another and I see a good moral future for us, we are both educated and studying masters, both caring and thoughtful people. She has met my parents, brothers and sisters and is becoming a big part of my life however due to her Pakistani background I am often pushed away at times.
Her sisters and friends are aware of me and do not offer resistance however she is continually worried about approaching her parents. All this time I have remained a secret to them, she tells me she will never have an arranged marriage, tells me she loves me, goes out of her way for me. When away from home in accommodation things couldn't be better though when back at home she pulls away once again.
I realise that there are test to challenge us in the future when she eventually tells her parents though she seems to see no hope at times. What should I do, what can I do?
Im not about to throw everything away over a fear or worry, she wont tell me she doesn't want me, yet there are days which she is short and inconsiderate of me due to worrying about this.
I would prefer to just end the secret and take a chance by speaking to her parents now, however she wont allow it.
Please some guidance.
- reehansanders
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Usually parents are afraid of giving away their daughter to converts because it has been seen that a convert man out woman turns away from Islam and hurts their child. Thirds being the case when there aren't any cultural reservations. Most off the time it's the fair of what the society will think, they will talk against their backs, make then a big deal. I'm a Pakistani girl and I'm afraid and sad to say this but our society is harsh with girls. the girl is scared because she fears her parents reactions. Which is okay as even Islam even didn't support un lawful relationships. Too really wasn't this to work, i suggest you to get close to her family. mostly her wali, that is her dad or brother. Be friendly with them and dont bring up the issue of marriage. Just be close to them show them what kind of a person you are. Let them know you. Meet with them in masjids help them in trouble. Once they get to know they might even consider it. That's just my opinion.
This is ridiculous and a generalization. It is like saying "Blacks tend to be thieves/criminals" You can't make a statement like that about all blacks, majority of blacks etc and even if you could it has no bearing on your INDIVIDUAL relationship.
Reehan I just wanted to say that in Islam, there is no such thing as a secret relationship. When you get married one day inshallah you will have a walima, the purpose of it is to declare your marriage publically. You also use the term 'dating' casually. Dating, I hope as you are using it means getting to know somewhere as opposed to how it is understood in Western culture which implies a lot of things that shouldn't be in an Islamic relationship. Do you see Muslims avoiding a lot of the social problems (ie preganancy out of marriage etc) that you see in the wider population? It's because we tend to avoid these things and see marriage as sacred. Don't allow yourself to fall into the same trap. Love and marriage and invaluable.
You should distance yourself from this woman until she shows the incentives and guts to tell her parents and pursue this in an halal manner. As a dad how would you feel if YOU were the guy your daughter was snooping around with for months and then was bold enough to knock on your door one day out of the blue! I think you would feel pretty on the defensive. So use your head here and take some time away. What you're feeling right now isn't love it's lust
Also focus on your faith more. A woman shouldn't dishearten or shred your belief. Part of being a Muslim is our community. DO you know her imam or a good friend who can vouch for your character in case her parents are recalcitrant. Sometimes its these stubborn cultural parents that need reminding that there is no race/nationality/color in Islam.
-A Pakistani Afghan American brother
Sir, i didn't brand any one. I personally believe that converts love Islam more because they realize the truth and accept it unlike muslims of our generation who take being born as muslims for granted. However, in our culture mostly when a girl shows interest in her own choice for marriage parents tend to dishearten her with excuses. In this case its more likely to be that he's a convert he's gonna leave you in between. That's why i said that break off this relationship as affairs are unlawful. Rather approach her parents specially father or brother as any muslim man would without initially showing any sort of intentions. Once you are close to them and build the trust and are in their good books you can approach them. That easy the girl won't have to take any steps against her family or face them or approach them instead they will ask her themselves if she wants to.
Alsaam brother, welcome to Islam.
Now, let me get straight to it, - "My problem however is with a relationship I am in with a Muslim lady, we have been dating for 4 months now spend a lot of time with one another, have done many things even spend up to 3 hrs on the phone each day. " - this ISN'T allowed in Islam. Dating, spending unnecessary time with the opposite sex is not allowed brother. Brother let me tell you something, you THINK you are in love but it is the shaytaan tricking you. I'm not going to give my opinions on love because to be honest, I don't believe in it whatsoever BUT I suggest you cut all contact with her, focus on your studies or hobbies and just forget about her.
I'm going to be honest with you, I don't see a future for you two because unfortunately, within the Asian community and especially within Pakistani/Indian/Arab communities, culture is dominant and Islam is not. Islamically, you two can get married but culturally, no because you two are not the same race. So unless you want to deal with a lot of drama and usually it is LOADS of it, I'd suggest you forget about her. Yes, it will be hard but like they say, " out of sight, out of mind".
I'm not trying to put you off this woman, I'm doing this for your benefit and I'm actually trying to help you here so please consider my advice. You WILL face situations like this when, inshallah you have completed your studies, get a good job, get stable and then you want to find a wife as like I said, there are many "Muslim" families which don't follow Islam and think that their culture is more important than religion.
May Allah guide you.
Brother,
If you are serious about marriage- all you have to do is- tell her i have to meet your parents in the coming weeks or I cant speak to you any longer and this relationship will end for good.
If she says yes and atleast makes an attempt to speak to them that is a good start.
But if she is too afraid to speak to them now, then you know that she is too wrapped up in fear and might never stand up to her parents now or in the future.
Dont be in a secret relationship where someone just keeps you tucked away until they feel "brave" enough. In Islam, you are allowed to love and be happy and marry the person you care about- but to keep spending time with this woman in a relationship that will go no where is not healthy for either of you.
If she really cares about you, she has to do it, there is no choice and there is no way around it.
Salaam brother
Masha'allah on becoming a Muslim :). I am a Pakistani Muslim too and I am soon to married to a convert who is black. He is a great Muslim pray 5 times a day loves Islam and is more practising than Muslims men I know of from my background. We are soon to be married insha'allah this month and went through the same problem you are going through which were my parents. Alhamdulillah they love him now. He came to my house to ask my parents if he could marry me. Is was difficult at first due to a few things but my parents finally accepted as they saw how amazing he was and how much he loves Islam. Him and my dad prayed at the same mosque. I don't live too far from you and I know how things are in the areas wee live in. People do talk a lot but that's something that shouldn't bother us as making Allah happy and obeying him is more important than making people happy. You should say to her that if she wants to marry then she will have to tell her parents or that u can come to speak to her parents. I was going through exactly the same thing you are now. If her parents have any doubts about u you need to prove your not what they think you are. Insha'allah all works out for u I will do dua for you brother. But do not give up on your faith or Allah. Do net let any woman take away the love an faith you have for Allah (swt). He gave us life and can take it away at anytime. I prayed so much and today I thank him a lot for helping me and Allah has always blessed me and given me a good life. Do not let any woman be your priority as Allah is our priority.
Wow poor girl.. This is why dating and having boyfriends is perhibited in islam but some people don't really care as they r called Muslims then it's good. Anyway... I can tell u right now that her parents will refuse u big time, unless theyagically understand and be kind. Otherwise u will be hurt so bad and she will be in huge trouble... U won't be in much trouble as she will.. Mentally if not physically and if he still continues to be with u she will be disowned if not killed. It's very dangerous to cross the reputations limits but once u do it's totally worth it. All I can say is be careful, make sure u play it safely not forcefully...and make plans with her on how to meet up with the parents and let them like u by being extra kind with them.. Maybe that will soften their hearts a little. And please stay strong if it doesn't work out.. Most people would consider it the end of the world when the parents refuse. But it's not.. There plenty of other Muslim girls with kind parents who aren't so strict with arranged marriages. And remember LIFE GOES ON. until then I wich u good luck 🙂
As-salamu alaykum brother,
This relationship is going nowhere unless something changes. I'm not going to say that the love between you is not real, or that you are not a good match in other ways. However, her unwillingness to move forward is sabotaging any future the two of you might have together.
You have two options:
1. Approach her parents and ask for her hand in marriage. Either they say yes, or they say no. Either way the matter is resolved and you can move on with your life.
2. Break up with her.
However, the current state of affairs is inappropriate and pointless. We are Muslims. We do not date or engage in long affairs. When we feel in our hearts that we have met the right person, we get married. If the sister is unwilling to do that, then there is no future between you.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamualaikum
May Allah make you steadfast on Islam whether you get married to this muslim sister or not. I will try to be brief.
1. In my community there are several cases where muslim lady is married to american muslim convert, similarly many muslim gentlemen are married american muslim converts. All such couples from different backgrounds are happily married and have kids. I am pretty sure that there are instances when things don't work but I haven't met a single one yet.
2. Your task of convincing her parents will depend on how strongly tied are they with their community. For example where I live we have one mosque with people from all over the world come to the same mosque. Therefore having such marriages are easier. For example, Houston, TX or London England where Pakistanis have their mosques and Indians have their mosques and Arabs have their mosques, such matching are a bit harder.
3. You have to first realize that in most eastern culture the girl is very close to her family. You probably are not used to that sort of family bond. Sometimes this causes a lot of interference and sometimes its a blessing. You will just have to get used to it.
4. It seems that the muslim lady is close with her family or at least values their approval, which is a good sign, though it may seem to you that things are more complicated. So I have some advice for both of you.
a) she should approach her parents, politely tell them about you and request them to get to know you before they say yes or no to the marriage.
b) She should let her parents know that she will do as they wish only after they have gotten to know and their response is not emotional.
c) If she has elder sister or brother then get his/her advice on the matter before approaching the parents.
d) If she knows of a married couple with similar mixed marriage then try to get them to meet her parents.
e) Both of you should try to keep your interactions according to Shariah because without Allah's help nothing is possible and therefore you don't want to anger Allah.
f) Both of you make lots of dua and both of you should make sure that your intentions of marrying each other are for the reason prescribed by Allah (to please him and to help each other become better muslims and to help each other in achieving success in this life and hereafter).
If things don't go your way then don't be disheartened, because nothing happens without the will of Allah.
May Allah make it easy in your endeavors.
Dear brother Reehan
i can see how many paki muslims have replied regarding this issue , consider me another one. And from the girls perspective i can strongly assue you that this wont be an easy step for that girl as much as it is for you...put yourself in her shoe and imagine her situation..Not just pakistanis but all asians have this mentality of not accepting a person who dont belong to their culture, parents cant accept you in just 1 meeting or 2 cos they would never have imagined their daughter marrying a white guy whos converted to islam ..however brother dont loose hope..i dont blame you but i blame that girl for this ,,if she knew this wont work out then whats the point of being in this relationship. you should take step forward and talk to her and convince her to talk to your parents or you take the initiative and make this easy by talking to her brother and sister if that solves the issue! i hope things work out for you and only Allah knows whats best for us..wish you all the best brother! take care!
as-salaam-u-alaikum-wr-wb.. akhi..
It's as simple as you need to tell her to woman up and inform her parents or let you inform them (ask for her hand in marriage)..
If she can't find the courage to do that.. or won't allow you to.. then you'll just have to wave goodbye to her..
Salaam brother.
Firstly, congratulations on entering Islam.
I hope that when you use the term dating, you are referring to meetings which are chaperoned, as being alone with her would not be appropriate. However, as her parents are unaware of your existence, Islamic boundaries may not be being observed.
Secret and pre-marital relationships are not acceptable in Islam, due to the complications and trauma associated with them. There are so many ways in which this situation can lead to disaster. It is vital that her parents are involved, so that Islamic boundaries and rules can be observed. Her rights are also clear, and she is not obliged to suffer mistreatment or marriage to another or any form of oppression. If she is at risk of this, it should not be tolerated and help should be sought - there are many organisations that can help, and her imam and the masjid can also support her.
I would advise that you set a date by which if she is still refusing parental involvement you cut your ties and walk away; secrets and lies cannot be maintained and have a tendency to lead to heartache and loss. If she agrees to contacting her parents, you can approach her wali (in this situation her father would be appropriate) and express to him your wish to marry her. It may take time for him to get to know you, but be aware that race and skin colour are not acceptable reasons to refuse - he should look at your character and your deen. While this is happening, any contact should be in accordance with Islamic guidance; please refrain from haraam interactions.
If she remains unwilling to have things out in the open, I would advise that you move on. There are many Islamic guidance being ignored in this situation, and a lack of respect for them is not conducive to positive spiritual growth. As a recent convert, it is even more important for you to have a wife and friends who will support you and encourage you in your faith at this early stage.
Dear brother,congratulations on becoming a Muslim, please don't listen to haters,I am a white muslimah convert and I am married to a Pakistani man,I have a beautiful marriage ,I have never had one problem with my husbands family ever! He comes from a very large family and has 10 siblings,they have accepted me from day one and we are all very close.but dating is not allowed in Islam,if you want to marry her you should stop seeing her and tell her that you must speak to her parents inshallah they will meet with you,also I would strongly suggest that you go to Islamic classes for converts,as a convert this is extremely important,read Koran take Hadith classes as well,and pray pray pray! And again mashallah on becoming a Muslim ,congratulation on your new life,it truly the best thing that could have happen to you,! Take care
Dear brother,I also wanted to share with you one of the most amazing days of my life ,came after I converted to Islam I spoke of Islam to my father and mashallah!!! My father converted to Islam as well!! Writing this now still so happy with tears of joy! There is sooo much good in the world that you can do being a white Muslim and sharing Islam with the world!
Salaams Brother,
Masha'Allah on becoming a Muslim!
This relationship will lead you on the road to perdition. Please apply your logic and see reason. There should be no delay in getting married once the idea is in place and there should be no consorting of any kind beforehand either.
You will only end up hurt and very likely engage in haram acts if you continue being led astray by this hopeless 'love'. The girl is more culpable than you. She has had a lifetime to know the expectations of being a Muslim yet transgresses so easily. She should leave you alone and not act as deviation in your journey to Allah. She is fully aware of the limitations set by her culturally bound parents and for her it is a mere dalliance that she ultimately knows is going to lead to a dead end.
Forget her and focus on your deen and ensuring you achieve your best with regards to your studies. We all get tested as you have acknowledged. The hardest tests are when something so wrong seems so right. Men are more objective than women, but for some men, women can be a real weakness and lose sight. However from your post, it seems like you know the reality but it's tough to face. When we experience suffering or loss, handling it in the right way can ultimately strengthen you.
Halal love can only be generated in a halal relationship that grows through adhering to Allah's (SWT) commands, following the Prophet Muhammad's (SAW) example and mutual respect for each other. This girl does not respect you since she doesn't consider how hurtful she's being by pushing you away when it's time to play dutiful daughter. If she respected you she would refrain from you and approach her parents about the matter, instead of duplicitously leading a double life. As for 'She won't allow it' an alarm bell in itself!
Honestly, you really should take up enough courage to go to her parents and ask. FIRST make sure you let her know where you want to take the relationship. To marriage. If she declines or is iffy about it then just forget it. If she doesn't want it then it won't be unfortunately.
If she does then you need to make it plain and simple. You need to inform her parents. If her parents decline on the marriage yet she still wants to be married, she can ask the Imam to be her Wali for the marriage. It is in her hands if she wants to marry you. If not then I suggest try to move on as best as you can. Trust me... It is not easy I know.
Most people will say its Haraam but I met a white man a few years younger than me and we just really were interested in each other. In my case, I am a pakistani woman the age of 20 at the time and am currently 22. I guess since I live here in USA its pretty easy to talk to the opposite gender and grew up having to in order to survive. Considering... I had male classmates i was partnered with and male teachers etc.
So I found a young man who was immediately interested in Islam when I helped introduce it to him. He decided he wanted to spend his life with me and we visited the Imam at our nearby mosque. He is a family friend and was extremely delighted to see that we were talking to him. In fact our Imam used to be christian and married his first wife who passed away a few years ago at 19. They have been togerher for several decades.
He explained to us the responsiblities of being married and we understood and were ready. He said its good to marry young. I believe this is good esp in a western country where tendencies are high. The man I was wanting to marry had never drank alcohol, quit eating pork and was a virgin whcih is usually rare for kids aged 18 in the united states unfortunately.
The most important thimg was to tell my parents, but I just couldn't. Eventually I did and it was a bit bumpy at first, but they really just wanted to see me happy. Heck, its still bumpy and I cry alot, but remember that life is shpposed to be hard because we aren't in heaven yet Inshallah. I Hope I can prove to my parents that I can live years with him. He's converted and we are soon to be married.
Me as a muslim American pakistani woman took initiative and wrote my own path for myself and found a man that is my best friend. I look forward to our life together and the hope of us being Closer to Allah every step that we take.
I Also hope no one puts the cages of culture around them when the wings of religion set us free from society and its painful necessities. Remember no matter how much you love your culture, its still very poisonous to the soul. Follow Religion. It is consistent. And dont be afraid to if Allah allows something and culture forbids it.