I like a guy, my cousin try to steal him.
Asalam Alaykum
I feel that this is my only way to talk to someone, help would be much appreciated. Please.I am caught. I am in love love love with a guy, (I don´t talk much nor see him as he travels)
My father, a great guy - and my uncle, also a great guy. The problem is that my uncle and my crush's father get a long quite well, mostly because my uncle is very pushy and he does love all the attention. My uncle is great, but he tends to be very judgmental and he only likes the spotlight on him and his daughter, who is roughly my age. Now, (i dont wanna say this) but Allah Yehdia, as she is a very mean-spirited, jealous and insecure to the point where everything that i do, she must do. She tells me to my face that she fears that I am better than her, she tells me she is jealous of my looks, height, weight and life goals to the point where she gets very agressive. When someone compliments me in front of her, she will A) Not talk to me any more. B) Backfire and backbites about me to others. C) she tells her parents that I have done something horrible to her, which then starts a feud.
My aunts and grandmother have always believed her father, (They are scared of him) But one time I told my other cousin about the guy that I like and my jealous cousin began to like him as well. Her father (my uncle) one day during a conversation started to mention him and he then said "That boy is mine, he is for my daughter" The problem here, is that the guy I like comes from a wealthy family, and when I met him I had no idea of his wealth or his future (He is educated) but when my cousin started talking about him, she said "It would be great, he has a load of money" So she wants him for the wrong reasons and I don´t. She is not afraid of anything, she says she adores me and loves me, but her brother tells me it´s all lies. My cousin will do the unthinkable to take him away from me. I believe she is ill, she will try and harm me if I achieve better, she even changed her career goals as mine cause she feared :"They will think you are smarter than me"
My mom told me to perform Salat al Istikhara. I did everything, and I seen white sheets and Green grass and bottles. Which my mom said is great to see. I just cannot help but think about it. I am very in love with this guy, and he also has known my brother for a long time. What if my cousin ends up getting married to him. I know I may sound crazy; but she has many advantages, as him and her are on the same economic class (She is also rich, and my uncle talks great about her) I performed istikara but I know Allah (swt) knows best. I get afraid because my uncles family always wins. They always win. Now im not asking you to tell the future, but was the istikara dream a good one?
Please help. I need help.
Hanna
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Walaykumsalaam Dear Hanna,
We are not qualified or learned enough to interpret dreams here. However there are a few things I would like to say here inshaAllah:
1. Jealousy and Envy: "Al-Hafiz ibn Hajar said: What is meant by the evil eye is looking at something with admiration contaminated with envy from one who is evil in nature so it results in harm". (Fath Al-Bari, by Ibn Hajar, 10/200). To envy someone is an extremely major spiritual disease of the heart. It causes one to twist and turn inside in hatred and bitterness and makes them continuously see what they do not have as opposed to what they do have. They always count their losses and not their blessings. And if your cousin is envying you, this is detrimental to her own soul and can be damaging to you aswell - but only by Allah's leave.
To protect yourself, I will advise you to do the following:
- Recite the last two Surahs of the Quran: Surah Falaq and Surah Naas, as the Prophet(saw) used to do. Allah (swt) ordered His Prophet (saw) and all the believers to seek refuge from the evil of the envious person and envy, so He says in Surah Al-Falaq, what can be translated as, "Say: ‘I seek refuge with (Allah) the Lord of the day-break," and at the end of the surah He then says, "And from the evil of the envier when he envies." Also, purify yourself by remembering Allah much and doing what Allah loves and staying away from what He(swt) dislikes.
- Conceal your apparent blessings/fortunes from your cousin because you can see that it makes her feel jealous. Allah tells us in the Quran in Surah Yusuf, Ayah 67, that Ya'qub(as) said: "O' my sons! Do not enter by one gate, but enter by different gates...". Many scholars agreed that this was because the brothers of Yusuf(as) were handsome and good looking, and Ya'qub(as) feared that the people might affect them with the evil eye, for the evil eye is real. (Tafsir Ibn Kathir).
- Be generous to the person who envies you, for perhaps this will then soften his/her heart: And Allah says in the Quran, Surah 23, Ayah 96: "Repel evil with that which is better." At the same time, I would also suggest that you make dua for your cousin, as she is suffering from this disease of the heart and this is heavy and darkening on her soul.
2. Marriage and Allah's Will: You are worried that your cousin will steal the man you want to marry from you. If this man is true and sincere and if you are aswell, he will see past the superficial barriers your cousin is trying to build. Your cousin may have money and status, but this means nothing when two hearts meet intellectually. So be yourself, strive to be a good Muslimah and inshaAllah if this man is meant to be your husband, he will be.
I love this ahadith; “There are no two persons who have mutual love for the sake of Allah, The Mighty and Magnificent, or for Islam and then separation is caused between them except by a sin committed by one of them.” (Bukharee (no.401), Ahmad (2/68) & Hilyatul-Awliyaa’ (5/202)) So if you ever feel the need to compete for this man, let this ahadith push you to continue on the right path and give you some faith in the Qadr of Allah. If your cousin wishes to resort to shallowness - let her. But ensure you remain upright in character and deen, then after this whatever the outcome may be, whether you gain him or not, you will atleast have peace knowing that you behaved righteously.
3. Victory will always be Allah's: Rest assured that nothing will happen without Allah's Will, so do not worry about the future and about your cousin's family 'always winning'. Strive on the right path, do what you must in the Name of Allah, purify your intentions and then have faith that Allah will give you what is best for you. No-one is more powerful than Allah. My dear sister, do not consume your thoughts with what your cousin is and is not doing, it will only make you feel negative things. If she wants to copy you/envy you and change her career path, her dress sense etc to compete with you: simply let her and brush it off your mind like dust off your nose. In the end, only truth will prevail, if she is sincere, this will be revealed, if she is not sincere, this will become apparent - may Allah protect us all from our nafs. No-one can stop your desired beloved reaching from you if Allah Wills him to come to you aswell! Allah is the Most powerful and the Best of Planners.
So say this dua as found in Al-Qur'an, Surah 40, Ayahs 44-45: "And my affair I leave it to Allah. Verily, Allah is the All-Seer of [His] slaves. So Allah saved him from the evils that they plotted [against him]."
May Allah fulfil your hearts desire and make it a source of blessing for you in this life and the next, aameen!
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Very good advice
Assalamu alaykum Sister,
If Allah has written someone as a husband in your destiny, no one can take him away from you. So don't worry. Practice patience.
Your cousin can do no harm to you unless Allah wills. So seek refuge in Allah from her jealousy and be patient, don’t worry.
If you have fallen in love with this guy. Rise up. It is not a good thing and has very evil consequences. Shaytaan puts in desires in our hearts which we feel is love and then we have to bear the consequences of listening and obeying the whispers of Shaytaan leaving behind us the revelations and wisdom which Allah sent down for us in the Qur’an by Messenger of Allah Muhammad (salallaahu alayhi wasallam).
Why not make "Allah" you center of life? Your goal? Why not think about "Allah" most of the time, instead of remaining disturbed by remembering a guy, a human being? Which of the two is better for you?
Your heart will only find peace in remembering Allah. His revelations. Read the Qur'an, make it a habit to read with translations.
Allah taught Prophet Yusuf (peace be upon him) the interpretation of dreams. We have no knowledge of it. Yes, if anyone wants to do guess work after seeing dreams following istikhara, then they may guess, but know one thing for surety, a guess can never take place of the truth.
And being Muslims, we should be more concerned about building up the foundations of Islam within us, you have to raise a family Insha Allah, so build up a character, spread the knowledge of the Qur'an among Muslims and non Muslims. Make Allah your Goal sister.
It makes me sad that such a large number of our youth are concerned so much about marriage and guys and girls and love and jealousy. We have made marriage something so "difficult" that it has made us lose focus on "Allah" and "His Religion", which should be our top most priority.
I wrote something in other posts about marriage, you may like to read it:
Islamic married life can be summed up in short as : Marry someone you like - if he/she does not turn out to be a good person - peace process fails - seek divorce and move on - marry another one Allah send's your way - if he/she does not turn out to be a good person - peace process fails - seek divorce and move on - go on - until you find the right person.
By the above process I do not mean we should start and end so quick, all I mean is Allah has made a system for us, without any flaws, without causing any hopelessness.
Allah has kept all good options so open and easy for both male and female partners that they remain happy and their lives are not stuck in to sadness. Allah has provided such a beautiful system without any element of shame or guilt in it.
Remember in among many Catholics, divorce is considered as a grave sin. So we should Thank and Praise Allah for making our Deen, Religion easy for us.
Allah has made it more easier for women as well as men that they do not have complusion to have sex immediately after marriage and it may leave any sort of impression/ memories which a man or woman may not want to remember. So seeking the right spouse is Alhamdulillaah, fairly easy in Islam if we obey Allah.
As there is always a provision of Divorce without even touching women. So Allah has beautified the Faith as He says:
236. It is no sin for you if ye divorce women while yet ye have not touched them, nor appointed unto them a portion. Provide for them, the rich according to his means, and the straitened according to his means, a fair provision. (This is) a bounden duty for those who do good.
237. If ye divorce them before ye have touched them and ye have appointed unto them a portion, then (pay the) half of that which ye appointed, unless they (the women) agree to forgo it, or he agreeth to forgo it in whose hand is the marriage tie. To forgo is nearer to piety; And forget not kindness among yourselves. Allah is Seer of what ye do. - Surah Al Baqarah.
49. O ye who believe! If ye wed believing women and divorce them before ye have touched them, then there is no period that ye should reckon. But content them and release them handsomely. – Surah Al Ahzaab.
Subhaan Allah Walhamdulillaah ! Masha Allah, what a beautiful life system Islam is and Allah says - forget not kindness among yourselves.
So that a woman and a man may marry, know each other in the bond of marriage, acceptable to Allah and to the society, see each other's conduct and then they may decide on going ahead with the marriage or separating. And without touching a woman, there is also no waiting period to be reckoned.
We need to cling on to Islam, the principles it is built upon. If we do so, we shall have success in dunya and aakhirah and if we don't our matter is with Allah and He is the best of judges.
109. Is he who founded his building upon duty to Allah and His good pleasure better; or he who founded his building on the brink of a crumbling, overhanging precipice so that it toppled with him into the fire of hell? Allah guideth not wrongdoing folk. - Surah Tauba.
So don't worry. Allah provides you daily with water, food, when you are sick He heals you, He gives you clothes to wear, He gives you all that you ask of Him and He provides for all your needs, so be hopeful that He will provide for you a husband as well.
Insha Allah, if this guy is in your destiny as your husband, he will surely be yours. If not, do not grieve.
Allah says in Surah Hadiid:
22. Naught of disaster befalleth in the earth or in yourselves but it is in a Book before We bring it into being Lo! that is easy for Allah
23. That ye grieve not for the sake of that which hath escaped you, nor yet exult because of that which hath been given. Allah loveth not all prideful boasters,
I hope you got Allah's message. Make it a habit to read the Qur'an regularly with translations. Insha Allah it will help you.
Seek refuge in Allah. Keep reading Surah Al Falaq and Surah An Naas, with meanings, and seek refuge of Allah from the envier and from the whisperer - Shaytaan - among men and jinn.
I gave you advice like an elder brother, if some opinions hurt you, I am sorry, but I do not want to you to suffer or get hurt, so I warn you before hand to take guard.
Salaam.
Your brother,
Munib.
* * *
Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.
As salamu alaykum, brother Munib,
I cannot believe you have to change your email id again, I haven´t seen anyone with so many pictures, I like this one, let´s see if it last, you are really a master of sabr, brother, Alhamdulillah.
Alhamdulilllah, Wael will solve it, insha´Allah.
Wasalam,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Waleykum Assalam Sister Maria M,
I am facing lot of problems today in posting my comments. Please ask brother Wael to check the problem. I want to write, but all I write gets "off" in a second as soon as I post.
As for the picture, I also liked it. I hope Brother Wael keeps it as my pic when errors are solved and I get a "fixed" id finally.
Salaam.
* * *
Br. Munib,
You are giving very good advice on these posts Mashallah. I wanted to share something here so we can gain a little more insight on issue of relationship/marriage that is rather complex and not so black and white, a recurring theme on this site.
You said
It is actually not that simplistic, atleast not for women. I can't speak for all women but most of us dread the word divorce because it has severe social, financial and personal consequences.
Alot of women that I know, especially from pakistani/indian origin, would rather be in most abusive marriages than to divorce because of social stigma and ofcourse, financial burden. And if children are in the mix, then subhanAllah. In addition, if you read posts here, you'd find some of these women are still somewhat attached to their ex husband and find themselves in deep turmoil.
What I'm trying to say is that marriage/relationship is a form of an identity of a woman, We all understand that we need to get closer to Allah despite of hardships, establish proper salat, read and ponder over Quran more, and work on self purification. Because of all these practices I have gained better understanding of "Alhamdulliah Ala Kulli Haal".
It is a real jihad for women who doesn't have a husband because either they never found one or due to divorce. Men often move from one marriage to another rather quickly because their hearts are made differently and its easier to find a wife than a husband.
Sorry for the long post but thought I'd share a different perspective on this issue.
Islamic married life can be summed up in short as : Marry someone you like - if he/she does not turn out to be a good person - peace process fails - seek divorce and move on - marry another one Allah send's your way - if he/she does not turn out to be a good person - peace process fails - seek divorce and move on - go on - until you find the right person
It is not as easy as you think and muslims must only consider divorce when the relationship has reached point of no return .
I am sorry but I think the way you summed up islamic married life is absurd . This is more like a western marriage . People marry , a small argument arises , both think they are right in their thinking which eventually leads the relationship to divorce . What do mean by saying (move on until you find the right person) ... If you keep divorcing , you'll never find the right person. Every person has flaws and if can't look past that , then probably you will never be happy with whomever you are . You shouldn't even think about divorce when you are entering a relationship . People now-a-days are not willing to work on their marriage and are seeking easy way out which is divorce. That's why there are so many single parents and broken families .
I think the world, now is tolerating and accepting divorce more than ever . People are now divorcing for so small reasons that can easily be solved through communication and compromise
Assalamu alaykum Sisters,
I thank Allah that sisters find my posts as good advices here.
As I said, if you read my post with a little bit more care and concentration you will find the lines below the lines you quoted above:
By the above process I do not mean we should start and end so quick, all I mean is Allah has made a system for us, without any flaws, without causing any hopelessness.
Allah has kept all good options so open and easy for both male and female partners that they remain happy and their lives are not stuck in to sadness. Allah has provided such a beautiful system without any element of shame or guilt in it.
And I have "summed" it up in brief, the whole process.
1. We marry the person we like, Insha Allah and if he does not turn out to be good what we do?
Ans. We try to solve the problems seeking Allah's help and by our own efforts and support of family, friends etc.
2. What if these efforts fail?
Ans. If these efforts fail and one of the two people find the purpose of marriage is not fulfilled and peace process fails, they need not remain "stuck" in to this relationship. Even I am in India and I am aware that the women would rather remain in a bad relationship then get divorced because of " social perspectives - she is seen with suspicision as if why she broke marriage, if she has kids, it is a kind of shame felt by the people - O she has kids in their teens and she divorced or she has "n" number of kids and she divorced and men and their families abstain from sending proposals to these women.
Now what you and most people miss out is that we have to PLEASE ALLAH and not the society. This society does not come to help when divorce happens, this society does not help in marriage or in uniting two people and nor does it help in divorce. It is people's way to go on "speaking" about other people's misfortunes. So these people do not have any right to be pleased.
Who has the right to be pleased? Ans. Allah Subhaana wa ta'alaa.
If a woman does not find happiness from marriage, the very purpose with which she married is not being fulfilled and her dunya and aakhirah seem to be in loss due to such marriage then she should seek - separation - without any worries.
3. I would like to give a humble clarification about my posts: I have not developed these ideas and thinking as my wishful desires. I take responsibility of my words. Whatsoever I write is based upon the revelations of Allah and ways prescribed by him. Also I mention in my posts that this is my personal opinion based upon my understanding of the Book of Allah and the questioners should choose the best advice from the ones they get here.
If I am wrong I would be happy to correct myself.
Regarding summing up of married life as above, I would like to quote a few verses from Surah 4, An Nisaa, which I hope will make the point clear, as Allah Himself says how it should be like:
128. If a woman feareth ill treatment from her husband, or desertion, it is no sin for them twain if they make terms of peace between themselves. Peace is better. But greed hath been made present in the minds (of men). If ye do good and keep from evil, Lo! Allah is ever Informed of what ye do.
129. Ye will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however much ye wish (to do so): But turn not altogether away (from one), leaving her as in suspense. If ye do good and keep from evil, lo! Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.
130. But if they separate, Allah will compensate each out of His abundance. Allah is ever All Embracing, All Knowing.
Also, our socities and cultures have made marriage as if : Once you are married you should stick to the person whatever happens and if you separate we will count it as a "sin". This is no way of a positive Islamic thinking.
Allah even mentions in the Qur'an:
49. O ye who believe! If ye wed believing women and divorce them before ye have touched them, then there is no period that ye should reckon. But content them and release them handsomely.
The society makes a big issue of divorce, O we are having so many divorces, but Alhamdulillaah, they make it look like a sin, where as Allah says: It is no sin for you if you divorce women before you have touched them.
Alhamdulillaah, this is Islam and this has more right to be obeyed than the society. Remember Allah promised He will provide of His abundance.
So we need not worry what the society thinks. It is not the society or culture that provides for us, it is Allah who makes provision and His laws which when followed guide us to the Straight Path and not societal or cultural traditions which when followed have sent a big part of our people astray.
I believe the Qur'an has given verdict, guidance and hikmah.
Who told you for a man it is easy to move on to the next?
Every relationship leaves it mark in life, some less, some more. I am sure you must have read the Hadith about Prophet Muhammad's (peace be upon him) love for Khadija and how he remembered her long after she passed away.
We cannot make generalizations related to men and women. Women marry after their husbands die, can we say they move on so quickly or how could she do it?
It is something halaal for her and if she chooses to live a life pleasing to Allah by means of another marriage, Alhamdulillaah, what people say does not matter, what matters is her intention to please Allah and walk on the Straight path choosing the halaal way.
Regards to western way of marriage, what married life they have?
They fear marriage, the laws of divorce are tough, financial compensations at the time of divorce and the man made laws that govern their life instead of Sharia have already made them stay away from "marriage". Zina, zina and zina, boy friends and girl friends, kids without marriage, marriage after having kids, marriage after living in a relationship with a guy for years. So it would be unfair to compare the Marriage in Islam which I summed up as looking like marriage in the west. They are opposite in nature, they are opposite in morals and they are opposite in purpose of marriage and purpose of life.
And again we cannot generalize about the west as well, only Allah knows how many of them stay faithful and how many stray and have affairs while being in marriage and Allah knows the same about those who claim to be "Muslims.
What I meant by summing up is : Allah has shown ways to move on and not stuck if something does not work out and not make a big fuss about it, but pray to Allah to provide for someone better. There is no need to put yourself in a mess life long.
Trust the Words of Allah and not the weak "norms" of society and culture.
Allah is the Best of Providers. If Allah wants good for you, none can restrain in, so In Allah let the believers put their trust.
I hope I could clarify the points and give you a satisfacotry answer. If my opinions caused even slightest bit of hurt or ill feelings in your heart, I apologize in advance to you sister and I hope you will forgive.
May Allah strengthen our bond of Islam and make us as a chain of Mercy binding the world by the Message of Islam.
Salaam.
Your brother,
Munib.
What an excellent advice from sister z, it's so marvellous. . . . . Salaam sis. Hanna, i think sis.z has said it all, i suggest you look into her advice and try to put it into practise. . . . . . WASSALAMU ALAIKUM WA RAHMATULLAH
As salamu alaykum, sister Hanna,
Masha´Allah, you have received excellent advice already, I just have to add the following, please this is my personal opinion, take it with a pinch of salt.
The problem you have to solve here is not the dream you had, it is your relationship with your cousin, this jealousy has to be healed, at least, on your side, insha´Allah, but if you don´t do it, it will appear once and again, in laws, friends, whatever, Allah(swt) forbids then let´s understand the process, insha´Allah.
You need two people, the one that feel jealous openly and the one that felt is the object of jealousy. The phrase you remark at the end, they always win, tells me this has turn into a competition, winners and losers, and it seems to me you consider yourself always the loser, looking at this from this perspective, I could think(I am not saying it is) that you may be jealous of the "power" you have given to your cousin, I say you have given because by herself she shouldn´t have any "power" over you, the One that has the Power, we know who is, Alhamdulillah.
I am going to give you something to think about, you have two buckets, one with clean water and other one with dirty water, if you put a little of dirt on the clean water you will notice it inmediatelly, if you put it on the dirty one, you may not notice the change. With this I mean, it seems to me you are a quite good young woman, I can feel you fear Allah(swt) and you try to behave straight as conscious as you can, for me you are the clean water, and the feelings you have towards your cousin are bringing darkness to you, and your cousin is... the way she is, a bit more of dirt you cannot differenciate it, lies, abuse, envy, jealousy,...
There is nothing wrong with you, I just wanted to open your eyes to see that all the situations have two faces, that is good to be able to get out of the situations and look at them from other perspective, other angle, this will open our mind and our way to see and behave towards others, insha´Allah. You have this capability, but still sleeping, you need to wake it up to be able to heal what is making you suffer so much, insha´Allah.
You should understand that your cousin is making you a favour waking up in you feelings that will help you to get closer to Allah(swt), insha´Allah. It will come the day where you will understand my words and you will be able to say Alhamdulillah, I have her in my life, Alhamdulillah, insha´Allah, that moment will be soon, insha´Allah.
Forgiveness is the next step, forgive your cousin and forgive all the members of your family and forgive yourself, go to Allah(swt) to guide you and help you in the path of Forgiveness, once this is done you will feel Peace inside of yourself, insha´Allah, Alhamdulillah, and you will look at them in other way, insha´Allah.
We cannot change the others, but we can change the way we look at them and we can decide to acept them as they are. Maybe Allah(swt) has blessed her being this way, because if she wants to be like you that way she will try hard to enter the Straight Path, insha´Allah, but those are none of our bussiness, only Allah(swt) knows His ways, Alhamdulillah.
Your situation has one way out of it: salat on time, duas, reciting Names of Allah, His Attributes, reciting the Quran, all of it consciously, here and now, with your feet firm on Earth, insha´Allah. With this you will increase your Imaan, you will get closer to Allah(swt) and you will feel more protected than ever, you will create around you a bubble of Light that will melt any evil intention from everyone and will clean all the dirt that can fall in your clean water, insha´Allah, Alhamdulillah.
Once you begin seriously all of this you will be able to look at the whole picture in other way, Alhamdulillah, you will understand that everyone is where is supposed to be and they are who they are supposed to be, this will bring you Peace, insha´Allah.
I wouldn´t worry about it, what is meant to be will be, insha´Allah, keep striving to be the best you can be everyday, insha´Allah, and always remember that Allah(swt) always wants the best for us, Alhamdulillah.
If you have a minute take a look, if you want to this inspiring article written by Wael, I hope you like it, Insha´Allah,
http://islamicsunrays.com/see-the-beauty-around-you/
If you don´t understand anything or you need anything else, just let us know.
All my Unconditional Love and Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam aalaykum
I cannot express my thanks to all of you. I 'm happy I stumbled upon this website, I feel like I can talk to you all about my feelings.
I feel like I am a better muslimah,
Thank you All, Umm Sarah, Munib, Maria M, Sister Z
Thank you all for understanding me, and helping me.
I will inshalllah leave all will to Allah (swt) the most gracious, most merciful.
Thank you, thank you
Allah bless you, and khair upon you all.