My family will not represent me because I have reverted to Islam
Asalamu alaykum, I am a reverted muslim and I have now the intentions to marry, but my family is christian and wants nothing to do with the fact that I am muslim.
They will not represent me in any form or way. I have a person in mind that i would like to marry he has approached me on this matter. Also he has attempted to discuss this with his parents in order to make this a correct attempt at marriage but they say no on the basis of me being a revert.
We both want it done according to islamic guidance so that there is no temptation or haram that we will do.
How will we go about this? And what should we do?
Thank you
- dragonfly
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Dear Sister, Walaykumsalaam,
Alhumdulillah you have accepted Islam wholeheartedly. May Allah make this journey easy for you and may He(swt) bring your entire family to accept Islam aswell, aameen.
Unfortunately, many reverts experience the same difficulty that you have spoken about here. After reversion, they have no family to rely on, they may feel isolated and have no one to represent them in essential matters. But do not feel alone in this sister. You are going through a personal battle, an inner jihaad as you have made a big sacrifice for the sake of Allah by accepting Him even though your family have rejected you as a result. The Prophet(saw) and his companions(ra) were rejected by their families for accepting Islam and were boycotted and beaten, being left without food for days on end. Allah helped them and so be sure that He(swt) will help you too inshAllah.
Ibn Abbas (ra) narrates that Rasulullah (saw) said: "He who makes Allah angry for pleasing other people, Allah becomes angered and makes people also angry with him; including those he had pleased to anger Allah. And he who pleases Allah by making people angry; Allah is pleased and makes people also pleased with him; including those he had made angry to please Allah; so much so that he become virtuous in the eyes of those people who were angry and his words and deeds become adorned in their eyes." (Tabarani and Majma-uz-Zawaid)
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As a Muslimah, of course you need a walee to help you through the proposal process and at the time of the nikah contract. Furthermore, that person must also be a Muslim; so your parents would not be able to represent you in their current state of disbelief. You can however ask someone else to be your walee. The conditions of the walee are as follows:
(This list has been taken from: http://www.muslimmatrimonialscentral.com/iqano2127.htm)
1) He should be of sound mind
2) He should be an adult
3) He should be free (not a slave)
4) He should be of the same religion as the bride. A kaafir cannot be the walee of a Muslim, male or female, and a Muslim cannot be the walee of a kaafir, male or female, but a kaafir can be the walee of a kaafir woman for marriage purposes, even if they are of different religions. An apostate (one who has left Islam) cannot be a walee for anybody.
5) He should be of good character (‘adaalah – includes piety, attitude, conduct, etc.), as opposed to being corrupt. This is a condition laid down by some scholars, although some of them regard the outward appearance of good character as being sufficient, and some say that it is enough if he is judged as being able to pay proper attention to the interests of the woman for whom he is acting as walee in the matter of her marriage.
6) He should be male, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No woman may conduct the marriage contract of another woman, and no woman can conduct the marriage contract on behalf of her own self, because the zaaniyah (fornicatress, adulteress) is the one who arranges things on her own behalf.” (Reported by Ibn Maajah, 1782; see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, 7298)
7) He should be wise and mature (rushd), which means being able to understand matters of compatibility and the interests of marriage.
According to this website, a Muslimah's walee should preferably be her closest male mahram, i.e. father, brother, going on in the family list etc. But as none of your male family members are Muslim, the a Muslim community leader or his deputy, such as a qaadi or judge or Imaam etc can be your walee. I would advise you to visit your local Mosque or Shariah committee to find a suitable walee. Furthermore, I would recommend you to attend Islamic circles as the sisterhood you will find in such places is amazing and they will become like a lesser family inshAllah.
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With regards to your prospective's parents rejecting your proposal based on your reversion, we all know this is not from Islam. All you can do in this case is, be patient, make dua and let your walee/adopted guardian represent you in this matter. InshAllah when they see that you are part of a wider Muslim community, have backup and support and that their son in adamant in his decision, inshAllah they will accept you. Although a son does not need a walee to get married, it is highly recommended to have his parents blessings as Islam places great emphasis on pleasing one's parents. So ensure to be gentle, kind and patient with them.
Do your best, leave the rest to Allah and then accept the outcome as Allah's Will.
And Allah knows best, may He(swt) forgive me if I have given any incorrect advice here.
Best Wishes,
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu Aleikum Dragonfly,
It is very sad to hear that in this case, you have to deal with two prejudiced opposite sides:
Your parents who don't accept your conversion and your husband's parents who don't give
their approval because of your conversion. At least from the Muslim side, we could have
expected a more positive response. Anyhow, I think that in Surah Luqman, the significance
of this problem is described very beautifully. The Surah tells us in Vers 14 that Allah
wanted humans to be kind towards their parents. Our mother carried us from weakness to weakness
and the time of breastfeeding lasted for 2 years. Allah said: Be grateful to me and your parents for
to me is your return. If they make you worship other gods alongside me, don't obey them. Deal with
them in wordly issues as long as it is just and reasonable. But follow the way of those
who turn to me. For to me is your return and I will hold your actions against you.
And (Imam) Zain al Abideen stressed the importance of the mother's rights in Risalatul Huquq, his treatise
of rights. He mentions that our mother carried us where nobody carries anyone and she protected us with
her whole body, her hands, her hair, her feet and she fed us, even if she didn't have anything to eat
for herself.
Look, dear Sister, it is very cruel when parents turn away from you. My own father isn't Muslim and
I can't even go in front of him with the headscarf, it will annoy him that much. But I do respect him
because he's my dad and as a convincing ambassador or Rassul Allah, it is our duty to accept even
their nagging or disapproval. I wish I could say: Talk to them calmly , try to make them understand
Islam is so beautiful, recite Surahs from the Qu'ran to make them change their minds. Reality shows
that often, stolidness incurs the "wall effect"- you're talking and talking and the opposite side is like a wall,
even if you make good points,they reject all of them. They've already formed their own opinion.
So instead of discussing or convincing both sides of a beautiful Islam, show them perfect akhlagh.
When they curse, don't curse. Let them shout, let them be stubborn and forbid the whole thing. But:
remain calm. You have someone on your side who is stronger than all of them, nothing happens
against his will: God. When they see that you remain settled, cool and relaxed, and tell them calmly
that this is the perfect partner you want to marry, they will have to come down and allow you to get married.
The parent-child relationship is so strong, your mothers carried both of you in their wombs. They don't want
to see their children unhappy, but at the moment, the Shaitan puts obstacles in your way.
No discussions, instead of endless battles of words, Akhlagh. When they curse our shout, akhlagh.
Simply akhlagh. They forbid it , akhlagh. They cry, you smile. Be optimistic about this. Half of the problems
we have exist because of pessimism. The glass is always half full, never half-empty.
If Allah s.v.t. wants this to happen, it will have a happy-ending Insha allah.
Best of luck