IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

Asalamulaikum Wa Rahmatullah, I have been suffering now for 3 months in pain.

What happened is that 3 months back some of my friends stood up for me to get my money back, which a shopkeeper told me he would give back (if what i am buying is not the book required for my sylabbus), but when i went back to him after 5 days he refused and lied that he didnt say anyhting to me like this. Now this shopkeeper went directly to my teacher to talk to her and all of my friends came with me. Over there there was another teacher who for no reason interfered and said, "ok take the book it is for your own good, you students come here to study.", she said this to me and my friends.

After coming out of the teachers room everyone started shouting at me, and even though when i was about to leave I said goodbye I am going, they were all still angry at me. Now the same day I mesaged a friend in an angry tone (no bad words used) to keep her anger to herself and take her anger out on someone like her and stop pouring her rage on me everytime (which is true and she was doing this from the past few months). After this she messaged me that we will talk face to face, but the next day she became absent and everyone else (in my group of friends) started to say that say sorry to xyz (cant mention name here). I refused to say sorry because i was hurt that she could have solved this between me and herself instead of creating problems for me and letting me down and making me look like a bad person in front of the rest.

She even wrote something on facebook (which I have not read, my friend told me to check but i didnt because i was upset that its no use xyz has done what came over her mind), which made my other friends feel sorry for her and angry on me, although when she wrote it my acccount was deactiveated, still she had no shame of what she was doing. The next day when she came (xyz), she asked me why are you being so angry then I told her its you who started it, then all of my other friends said no xyz did not do anythiong, and you should apologize to all of us for getting into trouble for you! What trouble? No detention? No fine? No shouting? Then what kind of trouble? Well I didnt apologize, (not because I dont know how to or it would have teared my tongue, but because it seeemed as a set up, why? because if this was the case then they should have said this before, but no the day before that they only wanted me to apologize to xyz, and now every person in the group?! and what ever happened to xyz posting negative about me on facebook?)

The next day a friend (from my group) called me to tell me that I have to come in the morning to start the project work (a group report), but the problem was that my mom had to go for check-up and I was unavailable to go before 12pm, I tried to explain to my friend my reason and my problem but she bluntly refused and said no! if you dont come we will put you out of the group ( this hurted badly), I asked my mom to talk to her, but when my mom tried to talk, my friend didnt even give any respect to my mom, my mom told her the genouine reason and also that your friend will do her part of work, even i had said, but she didnt listen, and after that my mom asked should I talk to the teacher, she said yes and bye (that hurt too because I had made such a good impression of all of my friends to my mom, and this particular friend let me down), I mean she could have said ok aunty dont worry, but no she didnt. And to make it clear to you I am not one of the irresponsible people who dont do their part of work etc. Infact I always try my best to do what ever I can to achieve best grade whether individually or in group work.

The next day my mom didnt go for her check-up, instead she went with me and my dad to tallk to my teacher to put me in another group, and to tell him why. Now the same afternoon the leader of the project group (the same person who my mom had talked to, also my friend) messaged me that we have put you out of the group not from friendship and dont mix studies with friendship. To this I replied to her how I was feeling and that I was hurt from xyz and that it made me happpy when you guyz stood up for me and that is what friends do, but they are not suppse to rub it in and make you say sorry for helpiong you or doing you a favor or getting into toruble for you, (which in my book is true and I have gotten into many troubles before for my friends in school, but I dont remember once making them say sorry for it!), because it were not suppose to be this way it were an expression of my love for them.

I also love my these (new) friends but I am upset with them. To this she replied xyz did not do anything and could not be angry on her, and it was your fault throughout, and you sholud apologize both to me me and to xyz! ( that was reallly mean and a one-sided reply). So I replied back (in anger and upset) that stop begging me to say sorry I wont say because I dont feel I have done wrong, and now I am leaving the group, tell everyone abc (me) has left us good bye. To this he repiled I am not begging dear...in between she also wrote " your parents have failed to teach you how to say sorry" ( how dare she! what does she know how my parents raised me? she had no right in the world to write something like this of my parents!). To this I replied that "my parents teached me to say sorry when it is my fault, but i feel sorry for your parents as they have taught you to be rude which is worse, and that if she further doesnt want to embarass her parents teachings, not to talk to me, good bye". Now it has been 3 months and I pray everday to Allah (swt) to make my friends realize their mistake and to apologize for hurting me and to become friends again with me, but it seems as if He (swt) is not listening. I am very hurt and upset and dont know whaty to do, they have all done bycott from me and dont want to resolve anything. May Allah (swt) Help You If You Try To Help Me.

Leyla's Answer:

Salaam,

I am sorry to hear that you are having these issues with your friends, I know that this is painful to you and it seems that everyone is against you and the problem is just getting bigger and bigger.

The Prophet  (pubh) said: “Whoever does not argue when he is in the wrong will have a home built for him on the edge of Paradise. Whoever avoids it when he in the right will have a home built for him in the middle of Paradise. And whoever improves his own character, a home will be built for him in the highest part of Paradise.” [Tirmidhi]

The Prophet (pbuh) also said: "Powerful is not he who knocks the other down, indeed powerful is he who controls himself in a fit on anger" [Bukhari]

I know that you have been wronged, and that you feel that everything that is going on is unjust, and how you feel is the natural way to feel and there is no wrong on you for feeling this way. However, the anger and frustration and the need to be acknowledged as being in "the right" has turned what should have been a small argument / diagreement into a massive drama which is growing and growing by the day.

My advise to you, therefore, is to make peace with your friends and stop the fighting. If this means that you have to say sorry, then so be it - say "I am sorry for the part I played in all of this and I would like to make peace with you". This way, you have not said that you are wrong, you are simply apologising for any action that you may have taken to make the situation worse instead of better.

Peace is better than war, and we should seek peace and reconciliation wherever possible. If your friends need only to hear that you are sorry - then tell them that you are sorry. This is better in the eyes of Allah, and better as our characters as Muslims. If you feel that they are bad towards you or wrong towards you, then part ways with them gradually and gently so that there is still peace between you and so that you do not make enemies -for sure, bad friends are no friends at all and it is better to replace them with what is better than to continue with them where there is no real trust or love between you.

Peace,

Leyla

Editor, Islamic Answers