Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband is still connected with his past and sins.

woman worried about her husband's behaviour

Asalam alaikum all,

I am a wife in trouble. I just got married 6 months ago. Before that, I knew my husband for 1 yr plus. We never committed any unethical act. After getting married, I got to know my husband watches porn on regular basis. He has his ex girl friend's shameful pictures and sex videos in his external hard drive which he always hides from me and one day I got hand of it and saw it all.

When I confronted him he said he feels disgusted about not having privacy in his own house and he was hiding them because he knew I wont like it and he said its alot of data and he has no time to remove them. This fact has cut my heart into thousands of pieces. Before getting married he told me he had girl friends and he had been committing some forbidden acts. I didnt talk to him for 24 hrs instead of saying sorry and making up to me, he got angry and annoyed.

I don't know what to do. I tried talking to him but its no use for now. This is the 3rd time I found something like this in his possession and answer is still the same. My brain is jammed. I can't discuss this problem with my family cuz I feel embarassed. He doesnt pray at all, even he doesnt go for Jummah prayers. I tried to force him to go for Jummah prayer instead he talked very roughly to me and used abusive language. I pray infront of him in hope may be one day he will get inspried and think of changing his routine.

He takes care of me, shows his love towards me, but I don't understand the other side of him.

Your advice will be appreciated.

 ~ Defervescence

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11 Responses »

  1. Aslaamwalaykum,

    Best thing to do is not mention any past sins but only talk to healing and cure, and then repenting through prayer. It is best if he does the amal himself, or you can just do the amal for him and ask him if he feels any different, he would have to drink the water. IF he is ready and intent of quitting and moving on, then InshAllah, this would work. I hope you both strengthen your imam and marriage, InshAllah.

    Please take care and talk to each other about, keeping in mind the sensitivity of the issue.

    Salaam,

    -MuslimBro

    • MuslimBro, I removed the link because I find no basis in Quran or Sunnah for these "Amal" that you are recommending. The best way for us is to use the dua' and 'ibadah that were taught to us by Allah and His Messenger (sws).

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Aslaamwalykum Brother Wael,

        Thank you for the clarification. I was unaware of the fact that these were not in the Sunnah. Mashallah you have greater knowledge of the Sunnah than myself so I am happy that you told me this.

        Please keep up the good work, May Allah give you much success and happiness and even greater rewards in the hereafter, Ameen.

        -MuslimBro

  2. Dear sister,

    I am sorry to hear you've only been married for six months and you are having to deal with something of this nature. If your husband felt so disgusted with himself, he could very well remove the offending pictures from his hard drive...it would only take a few minutes of his time. The reality is, he doesn't feel like it hence...he hasn't done it to date.

    Personally, if I knew my husband had something of that nature on his external hard drive...he wouldn't have to worry about his hard drive any more because I would make certain of that. It would either disappear by my hands or end up sitting in the toilet floating in the water, data be dammed.

    Your husband says he is disgusted that he doesn't have privacy in his own house aye? Well, you can tell him you are even more disgusted that after taking your hand in marriage, that he feels the need to keep his sex tapes and pornographic filth under your very nose! How dare he feel he needs a sense of privacy! You are his wife, not some girlfriend!

    He obviously does not understand how this hurts you and even worse, he tries to turn the situation around and blame you! My advice to you...talk to your parents, do not be silent. If he does not fear you or have respect for you, he will for your parents. By you keeping silent and unable to do anything, you are only going to stay hurting. There is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about here. Your husband is doing something haram...something that can affect your marriage and how you feel about him.

    You say he takes care of you and he loves you. I say If he loves you, he will get rid of the porn and care more about your feelings. He should leave his past in the past and begin a new life with you minus the porn. No excuses.

    Salam

    • I'm with Najah, 100%. I don't know what to say because she has said it already. To be honest with you, your husband does not sound like an appropriate partner for a practicing Muslim woman. A question can be raised whether he is even Muslim, since he does not pray at all and refuses to do so. The Messenger of Allah (sws) has said that what is between Islam and kufr is the salat.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • I agree husband is wrong here ..

        But telling his sins to her parents are acceptable ? Are we not supposed to hide the sins ?

        In other posts people were shouting at some brother as he has shown his wife's Zina proof to her parents ..So in this case how it is different where you guys are suggesting to broad caste his sins to parents ?

        So only woman's sins needs to be hidden ?

  3. Asalaam alaikum,

    I am sorry to here of your predicament, but unfortunately, it happens. What you are experiencing is a partner who is cheating on you. It does not mater that it was a past sexual partner and experience that he had, but that he is focusing his sexual desires on something/someone other than you. Since you are feeling betrayed, which is a natural reaction, you can also see how this has become emotional cheating, as well. Though you have not mentioned it, your intimacy may also be suffering or will suffer, as well.

    As mentioned, you need to sit down with him, but also to have a honest and open discussion about your sexual rights and intimacy with him. He needs to understand that sexually, you are the only women for him, because you are his wife. His sexual desires are supposed to be fulfilled through you and not through old videos and pornography. Because there are so many types of intimate acts allowed in the bedroom between married Muslims, there is no longer any need for him to hang on to "yesterday" when today is an actual moment he can feel.

    As far as the praying goes: help him ascertain what he wants from life. Does he want to lead a religious life or not? What does he expect to do when children come into the picture, as far as raising them to learn Islamic ethics and morals? How does he see himself in front of Allah (swt)? Does he think of the hereafter or is this life merely a pastime for him?

    There are many questions for you to ask him in this regard, but the time is to find out now. Only then, will you be able to make an informed decision as to what the next step will be.

  4. AA;

    First of all, Jazak Allah khair that you are asking for solutions, and you are nto calling it quits. Inshallah you will eb rewarded much for this.

    Second, do you know if he keeps them for the sake of keeping them? or doe she get self pleasure out of them?

    Last but not least, You are approaching him and talking to him and that's great. Just keep in mind, for better or worse, men won't take it easy when put in the corner, or belittled, or attacked. EVEN WHEN WRONG. Keep being his wife, keep telling him how much you love him and it should be just the two of you, how much it hurts to know he stilt thinks of her sexually. Tell him that you two choose each other to spend life together, not to wish that you had other partners. That the second you became a couple, all others are non-existing. Maybe have more religious friends, or keep your selves busy whit activities that you two work on (volunteer, family visits, etc). Show him the way, but let him take the steps.

    If I am correct, it is from Allah. If I err, it is from me and I pray to Allah to forgive.

    I pray that Allah give you guidance, patience, and shower you both with mercy.

    AA

    Just a Man

  5. I never heard f this situation be4. But, I guess, any problem, pray is the best thing to do

  6. tell him to pray and delete porn and giv it up or ul get a husband who will and mean it u desrve so much more inshallah he will improve my heart went owt to u when u said u pray infront of him alhamdullillah u shold b prould of urself xxx

  7. you know what dont bring up the past everytime you find something destroy it. if he doesnt want to do it coz he doesnt have the time you destroy it simple and if says anything so its effect your deen not his your and u tell him tht if he finds anything of yours that is wrong to keep he can do the same thing, sister sometime you have to give them the taste of their medication, i think because everytime you find his things u dont take a big step he thinks u will get over in a few hours but u know what u dont upset ur self over it coz he has to answer to allah on judgment day not u so the only thing u can do is destroy the things u find coz think about it every time u find somethnig u keep destroying at the end of the end what ur doing is erasing the past tht wont appear.

    now an advise as to what you can do--- to keep ur husband interested in you, you need to do things that will keep him on his toes, since ur newly weds u need to do things that will make him thing about u n not porn i.e dress up in sexy clothes, do role plays, surprise him with things you go online n find ways to satisfy your husband n you watch he will be toooo attached to u tht he wont even think about porn.. he has married you so tht is obvious tht he loves u so some man watch porn becuase there are things he wants to do or watch tht cant ask his wife to do- so ask him whats his fantasy or what he like you to do obviously doing things that is not haram in islam.

    i hope this helps

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