Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My parents treat the idea of me marrying like a shameful thing

proposal,coupleAsalamu aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.

I was hoping to get some advice with regard to seeking a spouse. For the longest period of time, seeking a spouse has been difficult even trying to get off the ground. Whenever I bring up the topic of marriage to either of my parents, it’s always been immediately brushed under the carpet or not taken seriously. Unfortunate or not, my culture seems to be of the type where a woman can’t express an interest in marriage /approaching a potential spouse or otherwise she seems “desperate”.

Previously, I came to know of two proposals had come to my parents, both from good families but they rejected them on the basis that I was still studying. The thought of discussion of marriage seems to be very hush in my family and I’ve never really understood why, so I’m at this crossroads of whether I am better to try and seek out someone by myself or rely on friends in my community to help?

-azizamo95

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6 Responses »

  1. Salaamu Alaikum
    May Allah guide you and grant you patience. Allah has it written if your meant to be married, when and how. Allah is above time and He knows when it's best time for you so put your trust in Allah. A young man asked a similar question, here is the scholar's answer

    Praise be to Allaah.
    Firstly:

    It is permissible for a man to get married without his parents’ agreement, unlike a woman, for whose marriage to be valid it is essential that her wali (guardian) agrees. But it is part of honouring one’s parents and treating them kindly to ask for their permission and seek their approval, because that is more likely to keep relationships with them harmonious.

    Secondly:

    You should explain to your mother how great your need for marriage is, and try to convince her and earn her approval. If she responds, then praise be to Allaah, but if she persists in her attitude, then there is no sin on you if you get married to the girl you want, if she is righteous and religiously-committed.

    It is a common mistake for parents to refuse to let their children get married on the basis of studies or their being too young; they do not understand the problems suffered by young men at a time when temptation is widespread. Their refusal may lead to their children going astray and following a path of evil. Hence we advise fathers and mothers to help their sons and daughters to get married, and to make it easy and encourage them to do that, in obedience to the words of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “O young men, whoever among you can afford to get married, let him do so, and whoever cannot afford it, let him fast, for that will reduce his sexual energy.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (5065) and Muslim (1400).

    Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked about someone who wanted to get married but his parents refused. He replied:

    With regard to this issue, we must offer two pieces of advice. Firstly, we advise your father who insisted on not allowing you to marry this woman whom you describe as being of good character and religiously committed. What he must do is allow you to marry her, unless he has a legitimate shar’i reason which he knows and can explain to you so as to put your mind at rest. He should weigh up this matter himself and imagine if his father had prevented him from marrying a woman whose religious commitment and character he liked, would he not regard that as a disgrace and restriction of his freedom? If he would not like his father to do that to him, then how can he agree to do that to his son? The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No one of you truly believes until he likes for his brother what he likes for himself.”

    It is not permissible for your father to prevent you from getting married to this woman with no legitimate shar’i reason. If there is a legitimate shar’i reason, then let him explain it to you so that you will understand.

    And our advice to you is: if you can find another woman instead of this woman, and please your father and maintain a harmonious relationship with the family, then do so.

    But if you cannot do that because your heart is attached to her, and you are afraid that if you propose to another woman that your father will prevent you from marrying her too – because some people may feel jealous even towards their children and prevent them from doing what they want – then I say: if you are afraid of that and you cannot do without this woman to whom your heart is attached, then there is no sin on you if you marry her, even if your parents object. Perhaps after you get married he will accept what has happened and what is in his heart will go away. We ask Allaah to decree for you that which is best for you.

    End quote from Fataawa Islamiyyah (4/193)

    And Allaah knows best.

    • Salam Mayameen,

      The person who is seeking for advice is not a man as per my understanding. I didn't understand your comments.

      the seeker statement "Unfortunate or not, my culture seems to be of the type where a woman can’t express an interest in marriage /approaching a potential spouse or otherwise she seems “desperate”."

      and your statement "And our advice to you is: if you can find another woman instead of this woman, and please your father and maintain a harmonious relationship with the family, then do so.

      But if you cannot do that because your heart is attached to her, and you are afraid that if you propose to another woman that your father will prevent you from marrying her too – because some people may feel jealous even towards their children and prevent them from doing what they want – then I say: if you are afraid of that and you cannot do without this woman to whom your heart is attached, then there is no sin on you if you marry her, even if your parents object. Perhaps after you get married he will accept what has happened and what is in his heart will go away. We ask Allaah to decree for you that which is best for you."

      i don't see the connection, NO OFFENCE

      Ma'aSalama

      • Walaikum Salaam, H
        If you read the beginning what I wrote, I said a young man had a similar ask and I gave what the scholar gave him. The scholar also mention women in his reply to the qiestion. In Islam if a woman ask her family's help to get married, they must help her so she won't fall into zinah. If she has someone in mind, the wali must investigate to see if he is a good option or not. The scholar said wether male of female it is not premissable for a parent to object their child's help to get married due to studies. That was part of her question. Her parents wanted her to finish her studies before getting married, the same with the young man his mom wanted him to finish his studies before marriage. This is not Islam nor proper way to deal with youbg people who seek to get married.
        especially a young woman who is ready to marry. This is what the scholar answered for both males and females.

  2. Assalaamualykum aziza,

    I don't have much to add to the previous comments other than to share with you that you are not alone. I, too, have parents that are bashful of talking of all things "marriage." I don't think it's anything other than that...bashfulness. Perhaps open up to them slowly by asking them how they met, of how THEY knew they were right for each other. They may get the hint that you are interested too!

    Hugs,

    Nor

  3. Asalam Aleykum.

    The better way to approach your parents with regards to marriage is.

    If any other proposal comes
    Ask them to marry you off to someone you would be interested in.

    Tell them you would not move into your husbands house until you finish your studies.

    Because when Nikkah is done, you are lawful in every way to your future one who you’d be living with for the rest of your life.
    Meaning, during your nikkah and before your Walima you can have intimacy with your spouse.

    So by this I mean. The Fiancé.

    But know that the person you are marrying is someone you really interested in and so is he.
    One thing you should keep in mind is that culturally it is shameful for a girl/boy to have intimacy then divorce before the Walimmah as it can bring forth lesser marriage proposals in the future and also strain on the families honor.

    Otherwise islamically it is permitted.

    My sister in islam my last advice to you is
    choose wisely, do lots of istikharah as this can also make things easier by the will of Allah: Istikhara needs to be done in all circumstances before approaching him. Have patience.

    May almighty allah make it easy for you.

    I hope I have been of help.

    Note: English is my second language so excuse me for any gramatical errors done.

    Wasalam aleykum

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