Second marriage and child custody
Baby boy and father
Assalaam Alaikum,
I got married a year ago and have a baby boy alhamdulillah. Me and my wife had a bad discussion about her family, and she left me. She went to her parents' home to deliver the baby and has not returned since three months. I tried many times messaging her, calling her and also visited her and apologized for what happened, but she says she is not interested to return.
Now, I have planned to marry a second wife. I have given up on my first wife, she can stay with her parents. Can you suggest me how can I get my child from her?
- Muaz
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Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim
Salaam Alalikum wa Rahmatullah.
I'm sorry that you have had this breakup between you and your wife. This is a strong lesson that we need to be so careful what we say to our spouses, and not say harsh words. If she is being stubborn and won't reconcile with you, this is doubly sad, because the behavior of you and her led to your child being in a broken home.
I advise you to try again to reconcile with your wife, because even though you certainly have the right to remarry, it is better if you try to solve the issue between you and her. You should go to where she is, and bring an intelligent, reasonable Muslim scholar with you to serve as mediator between you, to advise you and her how to live according to Islam, and how to get beyond the mistakes you both have made. One more sincere try may be all that she needs to be able to soften her heart towards you. It may also be that her family is putting great pressure on her to stay separated from you, so whoever comes to talk with you and address that, because keeping a husband and wife from reconciling is a huge sin. You say it has been three months. Honestly, this is not a very long time, so I think you are giving up much too easily. You promised to marry this woman and be her life mate, and you have a baby together. Three months? Surely that is not long enough to try before giving up.
Please, try once more. Start by turning to Allah in repentance, and make sure you are doing your duty to Him by praying, fasting, and giving zakah. Wake up for the night prayer and ask Allah to soften the heart of your wife. Write loving respectful notes to her, and have a friend deliver them if you think the family members will try to keep messages from getting to her. It is too important for you to give up at this time. If you find yourself sexually frustrated due to the separation, then fast to lower your body's desires and keep yourself busy with Ibaadah. I would say give at least several months to this effort, and try to win your wife's respect as if you were wooing her for the first time. It doesn't matter if you were wrong to talk bad about her family, or she was wrong to remain stubborn. YOU are the Khalifah of your household so you have to be the mature one and make every effort to heal the breach. Think of the baby whenever you get weak and feel like giving up. There was SOME reason that you married this woman. Think of her good characteristics and concentrate on them, and try to develop and maintain affection for her and get past this challenge. Surely, it is only Shaitan who is attempting to separate you and by giving up too soon you are making the victory easy for him.
If you make an honest, lengthy, and true effort to reconcile, and it seems there is no solution, then you can work to arrange for some sort of visitation or shared custody according to the laws of your country. Islamically, the wife has more right to custody of the children when they are young, as long as she does not remarry. This does not mean that you cannot see your child. It is vital that you maintain a strong relationship with the child, boy or girl, and always be there to influence his or her life. Even if you cannot get together with your wife again, do not shut the child out of your life. If you live in an Islamic country, you an approach the courts for visitation rules, and revisit the issue of custody when the child is older.
Please try the approach I suggest. If you try and fail, at least you will have done your best, and then you can concentrate on the issue of remarriage and custody. Think of the child, and buckle down and work hard to defeat Shaitan and work in a manner that is pleasing to Allah.
Fi Aman Allah,
Noorah,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
It's only been three months and you've already got a new wife lined up!! You can't have loved your first wife much if you've gotten over her so quickly.
Is there any other reason she left you never to return?? An argument over parents can hardly be the reason for a divorce. We're you for instance, seeing prospective wife #2 behind her back while she was pregnant? I ask because three months is a very short period of time to arrange a marriage, parents will be especially wary when the man asking for their daughters hand already has a troubled marriage and a child.
And now you want the child without the mother, seeing as you've managed to replace the mother so easliy with a step mother. You seem to have little respect for the relationship between a newborn child (or any child) and its mother. You just want to plonk wife #2 in her place and expect her to carry out the motions of child rearing.
You can replace a wife, but you can't replace a child's mother. No one can replace the love and affection of a real mother. And are you sure your new wife will want to spend sleepless nights making bottles for the baby and changing its nappy, and spending the day cleaning up after it, rather than going out and getting to know her husband.
Please leave the child with his mother, she may be nursing him, and the bonding of a child with its mother is very important.
Also sort out your current marriage before you enter into another one.
Salaam walakum, i agree with your conversation, my life is also the allmost same can you help ? (remainder of the question deleted by the editor)
Syed,
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Thanks
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor