Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Sister in Law – Mother in Law Problems

woman and mother in law

Who runs this house?


I'm a housewife.  It's been 9 years of marriage and I do not have any rights in the house of my husband as it is dominated by my MIL (mother in law) and SIL (husband's sister). My SIL got married after me and still lives with us. She does not go to her husband's place because she can't adjust over there. I have two daughters Allhamdullilah, and she has a daughter and now just gave birth to a son which has created a rift between me and my MIL.

My SIL  looks after everything needed in this house and I am not allowed to do so. Though I do all household chores, my MIL always keeps her name above and says it is she who takes care of the house. I feel the love which they show for my daughters is also fake. I try to speak to my husband about it, but he feels I should be happy with what I'm getting and that my SIL has the same rights on this house as I have. He always tells me to be calm so that there won't be cat fights at home. Allhadullilah he  loves me but also loves his mother and sister.

Sometimes I get annoyed and feel like leaving this house with my daughter but what will I do after that? I don't understand.

My only question is that is it right to stay with your parents though you are married, and dominate the house though you are having a sister in law (brothers wife)? Is my SIL doing right?



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12 Responses »

  1. No I don't think it is sister ask a pious person from the community for advice your SIL has a duty to look after her husbands house she should behave like a visitor at her mums or at the least not interfere with the running of the household speak to your husband about it ask him to speak to his sister why is she denying her husbands family the love of the children

  2. Assalamualaikum shaaz

    you have 2 daughters mashallah. Ur house must b so full of giggles and laughter. I love daughters, they r easily trained and very sensitive to their environment. It is very important for us parents to ensure that children get to breath in a home full of positivity. Somehow i believe boys can still adjust coz they r emotionally stronger but young girls carry the memories forever. The memories later on shape their personalities.

    Dear sister, u have mentioned that both the ladies r dominating u but i wish u could at least give 1 example for us to grasp the nature of their dominance. Some ppl r perfectionists by nature and they dont trust some1 else with the same job so they tend to do most of the chors themselves even when help is available to them. Its not due to wickedness but its more like a compulsive disorder. Could that b the case with these ladies? If not then mayb she feels obliged to do it since she lives with u and doesnt want u or ur husband to feel like she and her kids r a burden to u. U said that she cannot adjust with her husband and its so bad that she feels the need to live with u all. Sister where else can she go if her marriage isnt working ? Your husband is her only close mehram, who can take care of her. As for the propaganda...ur mom-in-law spreads that her daughter is very hardworking and sincere ( indirectly that u r not) is wrong.
    Most mothers tend to do that.. What can v call it?? a subtle slander for u or loud appreciation for her own daughter ( Allah knows best) but i can understand how irritating that can get. Dear sister ppl r not as silly to believe that u do nothing. One has b really biased to actually believe that a mother of 2 has nothing to do.
    i still dont understand how did the arrival of her son created more rift. R u implying that they began u look down upon u or taunt u for having no having a male child? This is not very clear and i dont wish to give advices on assumptions. Its nice that u never mentioned any abuse on their part,Like physical or verbal abuse. That cannot b tolerated. If that is not the case then u need not move out. Do not allow ur relationship with ur husband to get sour because of the annoyance u feel because of ur sister in law. Indeed she must go home but ur husband cannot drive her away. Try to love her children, they r suffering too. Ur love and sympathy will not go unnoticed. Ur sis in law will learn to trust u and ur mum in law will respect u for it.

    Hopefully this is a temporary adjustment and she will find some way to come to terms with her husband. In the mean time have patience and show compassion to her children. Find an activity to distract urself. Take up some course at an institute or university if that is too heavy then do find something for

  3. Cont.,
    do something for a hobby, taking a break from them for some hours will help u a lot. In sha allah as u grow u will c how ppl will respect u more.

    Love ur daughters and b proud of them.

  4. As-salamu alaykum sister Shaz,

    I suggest that you and your husband move out of his mother's house and get your own place. Let him know that you strongly desire your own home, even if it is small and modest.

    Alhamdulillah the mother has her daughter to care for her in any case, so it doesn't sound like you and your husband are needed at the mother's home.

    Unfortunately in South Asian cultures (you didn't say you are South Asian but I am assuming), the daughter-in-law is sometimes treated like a servant in the mother-in-law's home. It's ridiculous and unpleasant.

    Wael Editor

    • Brother that is her husband's house. where can they go from there?

      • This is just a matter of semantics. If you're talking about legal ownership, we don't actually know if it's the husband's house or his mother's house. Is it the mother living with her son, or the son living with her mother? It doesn't matter. The point is that he can purchase or rent a separate flat or home for him and his wife, and that will solve the problem.

        Wael Editor

      • Are there any Islamic examples of daughter-in-laws living with their husbands home with his parents? Did that happen in Islamic history with any of the Prophets (peace be upon them)?

        I have not read any, but my knowledge is limited--so I would appreciate if someone could clarify this matter.

        Chances are this system will never work because it never has.

        • No sister. I have been told that caring for in laws is a voluntary job. I dont know how right that is coz not many people talk about it. Living in a nuclear family is always better coz that gives us our own space and visiting them is a more confortable idea.. Some people think its more a cultural problem which is myth coz its actually more universal problem and the dominating MILs tend to interfere anyway even if u live in a nuclear set up. I have been a victim of a dominating one but the best part is she is physically strong and my husband was financially strong so he could buy a decent home before we got married but when she will b weak i will bring her home so my husband and i can together take care of her, though she is my husband's duty (fard for him) not me..but just like evey muslim is in a race for jannah, i think ill try to earn some bonus points :). Fih sabi lillah. Jannah is a place for those who have patience. To keep patience is the first advice one must give any muslim to quit trying is easy and should b the last option after trying. A lot of marriages have broken in the past and only Allah knows how many will break in future. May Allah guide us and give us the strength.

          islam does not burden women with the responsibity of her in laws. Her job is to look after the needs of her husband and children and of course serve her parents as and
          when she can.

  5. asalamu alaikum,

    i agree with akhi wael. its their tradition and culture to make the wife a housemaid. which has nothing to do with Islam. i think its best if you and your husband should move out his mothers home.

    ma salama

    • It is a cultural tradition apart from Islam. In many South Asian cultures it is the mother who arranges the marriage for her sons. The mother chooses the potential bride based upon the attributes the mother herself finds pleasing in the candidates. Sons, rarely tell their mothers whom they are interested in women-wise. The mother chooses. If a son does tell his mother he is interested in a particular woman, the mother can either agree to the match or disregard her son's choice. Also, cousin marriages are looked upon with favor and are often decided upon when the children are young. In SA marriage choices boil down to caste, filial associations, skin color, education (village girl vs city girl), family feuds, nose size (believe it or not), compliance of the woman re the MIL. Basically, men marry whom their mothers tell them to marry.

  6. I wonder why your SIL cannot be comfortable at her husband's home and chooses to still cleve to her family? Perhaps she feels unwanted/unappreciated by her own MIL and has fled instead to a place that feels like home to her. Perhaps your SIL does so much because by pleasing her own mother, she has reason to remain at home and avoid a situation (her own inlaws) that is unpleasant for her. Maybe your MIL realizes this and praises your SIL and all she does because your MIL realizes this is the best excuse to others to explain why her own daughter is still living at home though married. Odd that SIL"s hubby isn't requiring her to live in his home. Perhaps something happened? When I read your situation, I see that MIL needs/wants SIL to remain in her home, and in order to "save face" (make an excuse to the auntys/nosey women in the village and family) for the SIL, you are the "reason". Don't take it personally. I would take Br. Wael's advice and ask your husband for a place of your family's own. Just present the idea in a positive light. Point out that since your MIL has her daughter to care for her, there is no need for you to idle your days in the home. Point out the benefits of more space, and ask that he find a place in close proximity to MIL.

  7. cartierbraceletlove Estes são tão legal! Eu nunca tinha ouvido ou visto antes, por isso foi um grande post, tais. Adoro ler sobre a reciclagem de água, etc. O grande experiência. E, eu amo o que você deve dividir com a gente! Fotos lindos demais!
    pour homme de van cleef & arpels réplique

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